I'm sober now...they're not.

Old 03-03-2010, 07:58 PM
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11/11/07
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I'm sober now...they're not.

Hi, I'm a noob here, I've been sober a little over two years, Amazing Grace!, anyway I'm having a problem dealing with my father and brother, they live together and both could qualify for AA. My brother is more of a binge drinker, he can quit easily but always starts again, has 3 DUI's and "is not an alcoholic". My father about 65 will admit upon occasion that he is an alcoholic, but then denies it, he drinks heavily every day after work, self-employed attorney, passes out wakes up, argues with bro about the TV, drinks more, repeat rinse...
Unfortunately I lost my job almost 2 years ago (I was sober at the time and it was not directly related to drinking) and have been doing some work at my dads to help make ends meet.
Here's the thing, they fight like they need a divorce, they're co-dependent and treat each other like dirt, alcoholics, go figure.
It is driving me crazy to be around them, to the point where I continually put off going there ( I have my own house with bills) although I need the money, my son, 8 is afraid of them because of their verbal abuse to each other, and I just don't know what to do. I work the program, I pray but nothing seems to calm the hatred I have for them and their disease. I feel hypocritical because I have tolerance for alcoholics in the program but none for these two in the throes of the disease. My father is getting worse and very forgetful ( I'm thinking the start of wet brain) and is becoming more 'grumpy' and I can see where it will eventually lead, I feel like I'm living in that movie 'Affliction'. When I'm there I go to meetings in their town, an hour away and stay at the house too.
I guess what I need is some advice on how to cope with them and their alcoholism...I need to get some perspective on it, but can't, I guess it's just too personal and I am reminded what I was and would become were I to take that path again...any advice etc... would be appreciated.
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:17 PM
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I feel hypocritical because I have tolerance for alcoholics in the program but none for these two in the throes of the disease.

Don't, the people who are at the meetings are at the very least at a point of admitting what they are.

Serenity prayer. Oh, and I'd just stay away as much as possible at this point. They're poison.
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:26 PM
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((Cantonian)) - welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict, but I am also a codie (codependent). I have members of my family who are addicts/alcoholics. Despite knowing addiction from a firsthand basis, I had to learn a lot about codependence, and began reading on the friends&family forums here at SR when I joined. You may want to check out the one for F&F/alcoholics.

Just because we understand the disease, it doesn't prepare us for dealing with loved ones who also suffer. There are many people here, who go to AA and al-anon, we call them "double winners" I, personally, don't go to meetings, but I get a tremendous amount of support from the great people here and have learned about setting boundaries, and what how to not get sucked into the drama that comes with alcoholism/addiction.

You may also want to check out the book "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you ARE a codependent, but many of us who have grown up with alcoholism/addiction in our families are. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and most of us don't even realize it until we start reading here or in the book and see the story of our lives in what we are reading.

So, check out the F&F forum, read around and see if anything sounds familiar. I initially read there because I wanted to be reminded of what I put my family through, lest I ever forget and get complacent in my own recovery. I stayed there because I realized how much work I needed to do on that part of my recovery. On a good note, my addiction recovery has blossomed ever since I started working on my codie issues.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:34 PM
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11/11/07
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Thank you both (Alizerin and Impurrfect) for the great advice. I guess an Al-Anon meeting should be in order, esp. seeing as I'm an ACOA. A "double winner" huh? I guess that's one way to put it,LOL.
Just because we understand the disease, it doesn't prepare us for dealing with loved ones who also suffer.
Even though I know this, just having someone confirm it for me helps tremendously!
You may also want to check out the book "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie.
This I will do. off to amazon.com, thanks again
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Old 03-03-2010, 08:56 PM
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Hi Cantonian, welcome to SR

The first thought that struck me reading your post was: you are in recovery, and they are not.

The further you come along in your recovery, the most obvious the toxic patterns of behavior come from. This was probably happening (on some level) while you were still drinking with them.

FWIW your situation is eerily similar to that of my AF and brother. AF is facing retirement, didn't plan for it, and spends his spare time drinking through his woes. Although brother is old enough to support himself, he lives at home and is drinking buddies with AF. I'm not there to see it, but I've heard that when they drink heavy, they get into terrible fights. AF can't admit he's ever done anything wrong, and brother can't get over the things AF has done wrong (I think he's waiting for AF to apologize and acknowledge brother's feelings). It's a painful cycle that's stuck on replay in their brains, and it's rough on the rest of the family (my mom, sister, and I) to hear because it repeatedly dredges up all the fun, emotionally-charged junk in our heads.

My solution was distance. Distance, distance, distance with love. I will support my dad or my brother in any steps they make towards helping themselves. But it has not been good for my own well-being - mentally and physically - to be near this. It is also very distressing for my mom to be managing the tension (but it is her choice to remain there as well).

The last time I was trapped (financially) under the roof of an alcoholic (my AF), I had to make goals towards removing myself and cutting off that financial foothold of power he had on me. Even if the goals took months and ultimately years, they had to happen or I was going to go crazy.

Let your son know your goals. I think many kids resent that their sober parent didn't do more to protect from the alcoholic adults in their lives (usually spouses). Make it clear that you're not working hard to maintain your situation; you're working hard to change it. Your son needs to understand these toxic relationships aren't normal and warrant leaving; he needs to know this before it becomes "normal" for him to see in people.

Does your son have any safe refuge from grandpa A and uncle A? Does he have a choice whether or not to stay with them? Do they babysit sometimes?

Is he physically at risk from them?

Lastly, be realistic with your goals and don't beat yourself up if it takes months to finally change your situation.
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:21 AM
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11/11/07
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dothi, Thank you for your advice, what you just wrote is truly "eerily" similiar, I could've expressed the same, it's always helpful to know I'm not alone in anything so I don't feel "special" in my disease.
Does your son have any safe refuge from grandpa A and uncle A? Does he have a choice whether or not to stay with them? Do they babysit sometimes?Yes, he's only there when I take him, but now I can't leave him alone to go to meetings so he may have to start going with me if I go there, but for the most part I avoid taking him ( he hasn't been there in more than a few months) and I have left with him when they start into each other.

Is he physically at risk from them? No, but I not willing to find out either.
I appreciate the concern for my son.
I do feel "trapped" by this situation and need to work harder to get out of it
Make it clear that you're not working hard to maintain your situation; you're working hard to change it. Your son needs to understand these toxic relationships aren't normal and warrant leaving; he needs to know this before it becomes "normal" for him to see in people.
So true and well put, I have discussed their behaviors with him and he understands as much as he can about this disease, I've spoken openly about it and he's been to quite a few meetings with me, but the part about explaining that I'm trying to change rather than maintain those realtionships is great advice, again, much appreciated.
K
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Old 03-04-2010, 05:35 AM
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

I'm glad you found us. You will find lots of information and support for yourself hered. I have found plenty of wisdom in the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also in those posts.

I consider myself a double winner. I am a recovering alcoholic, recovering codependent and recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I use SR, Alanon and self-help books in my recovery journey.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed!
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Old 03-04-2010, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by dothi View Post
The further you come along in your recovery, the most obvious the toxic patterns of behavior come from.
That was supposed to read, "The further you come along in your recovery, the more obvious the toxic patterns of behavior become."

Cantonian, the more I've read the posts on these forums, the more amazed I am at how often these behaviors surrounding alcohol are undeniable patterns. It gives me great reassurance in the decisions I have made in dealing with the alcoholics in my family. Why should I follow the same miserable path that many, many others have already followed in vain, fighting this kind of dysfunction? This is probably the first time in human history that we can find these lessons, here for us to learn, without going at it so long the hard way.
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:01 AM
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It is driving me crazy to be around them, to the point where I continually put off going there...I guess what I need is some advice on how to cope ... to get some perspective on it, but can't, I guess it's just too personal and I am reminded what I was and would become were I to take that path again...any advice etc... would be appreciated.
I personally don't recommend figuring out ways to adjust yourSELF so that you can continue to spend time around either one of them. I hate to say it but you are putting your own sobriety in jeopardy. IMO you do NOT need to get advice on how to cope. IMO they are irritating you to the point where you do not want to go there FOR GOOD REASON. Those feelings are your INSTINCTS telling you to STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Find another way to get work to make ends meet. You cannot tell me that your father is the ONLY employer in Canton, OH.
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