The Current Resentmet In My Life

Old 03-03-2010, 12:49 PM
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The Current Resentmet In My Life

I alluded to this 'resentment' in another thread I started earlier today:

In '83, my sister (the biotch) and her then husband ran into T in the Caymans, where he proceeded to give her his card, with ALL his contact info on it to give to me. SHE NEVER DID. (That in itself is a whole separate thread I need to do on RESENTMENT).
I am having a real hard time with this one since I found out about 2 months ago that she never gave me the information. It just seemed to be the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. There are other things over the years that I have forgiven her for. She is also the 'The Executor' of a trust our Mother set up for both of us and the grandchildren. At the time the only reason, according to my Mother was that she is 11 years younger than me and hopefully would outlive me.

However, there have been some things with the Trust that I have not agreed with, have voiced my concerns and she did them anyway.

In my many years of working a program (actually 2 programs, one from alcoholism and one from codieism) I have learned that 'revenge' really does no one, especially me no good. I have learned that I don't have to do anything 'rash' anymore that I can think things through, develope a plan and do things through legal channels.

After some discussions with one of my nephews who is extremely upset with his mother's actions regarding the individual trusts under the blanket of the total trust, he and I have gone ahead and sued to get a new executor. We don't have to 'accuse' we only have to state that we have LOST CONFIDENCE in the current executor to either get a new one appointed or the trusts turned over to the individuals.

So where my resentment stands is really quite simple. Upon resolution of this lawsuit, I will no longer have contact with a 54 year old woman who continues to act like a 'bratty 12 year old' at least half of the time. I do not need nor want that type of person in my life. The current resentment reared it's ugly head when I found out she did not do what I would 'expect' a normal decent human being to do ............................. pass on important information.

In reality, I cannot change the past. So, I have to change the present and future for me .................................... my peace and serenity are of utmost importance to me and very necessary to my ongoing recovery. I have over the years cut 'toxic' people out of my life ................... I have procrastinated on this as after all she is family .............................. well we cannot pick the family we are born into, but I sure as hell can pick those I want to be in my life today.

In a way I am sorry for her, that she has lived her life the way she has. I regret not listening to those 'red flags' I have had over the years sooner. However, this too will soon be rectified, and I will move on with my life.

Is this the 'correct' way to deal with a resentment? I don't know, probably not. It certainly is not what I was taught ..................... to pray for the person for 14 days straight, and to start over if a day is missed. However, it is much better than my 'old ways' of dealing with resentments.

I'm not perfect and never claimed to be. Only time will tell if this will relieve what I feel for this person.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:53 PM
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I would love to hear what others have to say about this because I am in a similar situation. Not exactly the same, but, I too have a desire to reduce contact ...rather radically, with one of my brothers, who I'll call brother "A". Frankly, if I could go completely "no contact" I would not be all that upset about it.

I am 56, he is 68. We used to get along okay, but early on in life I could see that he had problems. He spent years, literally, living on people's sofas. He slept on my sofa for a few months in the late 70's until a roomnate kicked him out: he didn't see the need to help pay for heat, electricity or water because he was "just sleeping on the sofa for a few days".

But, we never had any serious problems until my mother died: before her death, he obtained her signature while she was not mentally competent, allowing him to co-own her savings account. He cleaned it out.

For years after that, I didn't want to have much to do with him. And, it was easy to keep a distance. I lived far away and maintaining contact was difficult.

Fast forward to 4 years ago I became the court appointed guardian and conservator for another brother, brother "T" who is mentally ill and who had a small estate.
When he got wind of this, brother "A" re-established "friendly" contact with me and the requests for money came quickly. Legally, I had no grounds to give him any money from the other brother's estate so it became negative almost immedietely.

About two years ago he cooked up a real estate deal he wanted my husband and I to go in on. When I took a closer look at the arrangement, brother "A" was not going to pay anything, he was going to exchange work and some possessions for his share of the property! I also found out that the price of the property was over-inflated. It turns out the shady real estate agent was a friend of his. The whole deal was a scam dreamed up by a couple of con men. The sad part is that one of the con men is my own brother and I would be the patsy in the deal.

His personality has also changed radically in the last few years, he is critical and openly hostile to me when we see each other. Then, he apologises. Then, he will repeat all that behavior the next day. I simply don't like being around him anymore.

I discovered him embezzling money last summer from our mentally ill brother. He had manipulated a VA field examiner into being our mentally ill brother's fiduciary: he recieved the checks and had the authority to cash them. He was cashing them and using the money for himself for over 6 months, leaving a pittance for brother "T". I put a stop to that when I met the field examiner and that added to brother "A"'s list of resentments towards me.

I am actually considering trying to avoid seeing him the next time I go back home, which will be in a few months. I will be seeing other relatives, he will find out that I'm in town.

I guess my dilemna is that I don't want to come right out and say that I am disgusted with him, that just when I think he can go no lower, he does. I guess I'll have to come up with a few dishonest excuses for avoiding him, and that might cause some problems. He might see through all that. And, I am not sure if I want to lie.

My sentiments are that I am sick and tired of him, and I really don't have a great desire to see him again.

And, oyes, he is a chronic, untreated alcoholic who has always tried to position me into a codependent role. I quit drinking 18 months ago and needless to say, my view of him has not gotten better....
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:20 PM
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(((Laurie))) - until I just read your post, I'd forgotten about the specifics I'd been taught about praying for the person I had a resentment against. I remembered I was supposed to pray for them, but had forgotten all about the "14 days" part. Oops.

That being said, I don't have nearly the clean time that you do, but I have gotten past some resentments and am working on a couple more. I don't think I've followed any one set of rules, other than I do pray for the people I resent.

I think you know what you need and that just because people are related to us, doesn't mean they are necessarily GOOD for us. On just the info you've given here, if I did a pros/cons sheet, I don't see much of a reason for you to keep her IN your life.

((Littlefish)) - sounds like you've got your own family dysfunction going on, and I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I call MY family "dysfunction junction" but after reading your's and Laurie's posts, I'm actually feeling rather grateful that what I'm going through is not nearly so bad.

I hope you both find the peace and serenity you deserve.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-03-2010, 10:22 PM
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I don't know how to deal with it...
Perhaps doing a list of every little thing you resent? from her and anything else you may remember while digging? then burning the paper and handing it to God...
I plan to do that as I resent BF for several things...
"Divide and conquer"
I wish you all the best, we all know who is family and who isn't, has nothing to do with blood ties.....
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