Am I ready to leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Am I ready to leave?
I'm just not sure of how to put the plan into place so I never return.
My counselor told me I need to just simply walk away. He thinks there is nothing left to fight for since the addict doesn't/can't take a hard look at his recovery. Even though he stopped drinking for close to 2 yrs. Even though he's made huge efforts to change, but made huge efforts to stay the same as well.
He loves me, He would do anything for me, he also hates me and tries to hurt me out of his own powerlessness.
His denial is like sludge at the bottom on the sea. My denial about "us" is thicker sludge.
My heart knows it cannot be saved, my head still reasons with others advice which was "Don't stop fighting for this"
No one in my family home group left their spouses. They all put up the good fight. They all seem happy but need meetings 2 x a week even after 30 + years.
Then me wonders, "how much longer should I have to tolerate unhappiness, madness and insanity"
Me thinks "Well so many others I know have tough relationships and they are not with an addict"
I have a friend who's husband is great. He is a great Dad, has a great job, but cannot talk. He can be mean, He is a little lazy. Does she throw him away?
I'm told "Relationships are tough, probably less tough with a recovering addict since the recovering addict is more in touch with their spiritual side and are fixing what is broken. Where a non addict with many issues is not growing and enriching their sprits
Then I start to think, my ex husband was not an addict, but had a list of flaws that he refused to fix or look at. My sister who is married to a wonderful man has a LONG list of flaws.
We are all flawed.
Do I leave to find someone else, but just with different flaws?
Am I ready to leave this "mess" for another maybe one day to meet another "mess"
Or does one stay alone forever if they cannot handle any one of the 3 trillion people on the planet?
Just thinking out loud here. Feel free to join in
My counselor told me I need to just simply walk away. He thinks there is nothing left to fight for since the addict doesn't/can't take a hard look at his recovery. Even though he stopped drinking for close to 2 yrs. Even though he's made huge efforts to change, but made huge efforts to stay the same as well.
He loves me, He would do anything for me, he also hates me and tries to hurt me out of his own powerlessness.
His denial is like sludge at the bottom on the sea. My denial about "us" is thicker sludge.
My heart knows it cannot be saved, my head still reasons with others advice which was "Don't stop fighting for this"
No one in my family home group left their spouses. They all put up the good fight. They all seem happy but need meetings 2 x a week even after 30 + years.
Then me wonders, "how much longer should I have to tolerate unhappiness, madness and insanity"
Me thinks "Well so many others I know have tough relationships and they are not with an addict"
I have a friend who's husband is great. He is a great Dad, has a great job, but cannot talk. He can be mean, He is a little lazy. Does she throw him away?
I'm told "Relationships are tough, probably less tough with a recovering addict since the recovering addict is more in touch with their spiritual side and are fixing what is broken. Where a non addict with many issues is not growing and enriching their sprits
Then I start to think, my ex husband was not an addict, but had a list of flaws that he refused to fix or look at. My sister who is married to a wonderful man has a LONG list of flaws.
We are all flawed.
Do I leave to find someone else, but just with different flaws?
Am I ready to leave this "mess" for another maybe one day to meet another "mess"
Or does one stay alone forever if they cannot handle any one of the 3 trillion people on the planet?
Just thinking out loud here. Feel free to join in
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I find that when we think of leaving a relationship, we often tell ourselves, or tell others, that there are better partners out there and that we "deserve" to be with someone better, richer, nicer, etc etc. It seems to me that this thinknig is somewhat skewed because it implies that we cannot be happy without this rather mythical "perfect partner" to complete us and bring us happiness.
In my experience, when I considered leaving XAH, I keep fantasizing about *finally* being by myself with my baby girl, and FINALLY being able to live my life, quietly, sanely and at some point, happily. I never thought anything further than that, because it seemed that the person I was longing for after all those years of toxicity and suffering was ME.
Whatever or whomever comes along afterwards can just...come afterwards! No sense in worrying about them now. This is why I choose my new screen name; I am the Queen of Projecting in the future so I remind myself daily that There's No Day but Today.
In my experience, when I considered leaving XAH, I keep fantasizing about *finally* being by myself with my baby girl, and FINALLY being able to live my life, quietly, sanely and at some point, happily. I never thought anything further than that, because it seemed that the person I was longing for after all those years of toxicity and suffering was ME.
Whatever or whomever comes along afterwards can just...come afterwards! No sense in worrying about them now. This is why I choose my new screen name; I am the Queen of Projecting in the future so I remind myself daily that There's No Day but Today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I think there are flaws that we can live with and still be happy and flaws that we can't live happy lives with. There are basic qualities that we all want in a partner. If we get those, we can be happy with a few flaws. Basic qualities like: he's there for me and I'm there for him, he's responsible, he's honest, dependable, healthy, someone I can count on, doesn't insult me, is supportive of my goals, etc.
The flaws are more like, he wears plaid shirts with stripped pants, he's a little late for appointments sometimes, he never finished college, he doesn't make a lot of money (but he has a job and is responsible), he can't dance etc.
The flaws shouldn't be things that feel abusive.
Really the bottom line is, are you happy? Only you can answer that question. You know the "must-haves".
I think if you stick with the counselor, you'll learn how to avoid another "mess" and how to pick a partner that will make you truly happy. That's the hard part I guess, fixing our broken pickers.
Wish I had some answers for you. I left my xabf a few weeks ago. It's been hard, but I feel better every day. It's not that I don't love him. I just can't be happy with him. It felt more like a parent/child relationship than anything else. I know I made the right decision for me.
The flaws are more like, he wears plaid shirts with stripped pants, he's a little late for appointments sometimes, he never finished college, he doesn't make a lot of money (but he has a job and is responsible), he can't dance etc.
The flaws shouldn't be things that feel abusive.
Really the bottom line is, are you happy? Only you can answer that question. You know the "must-haves".
I think if you stick with the counselor, you'll learn how to avoid another "mess" and how to pick a partner that will make you truly happy. That's the hard part I guess, fixing our broken pickers.
Wish I had some answers for you. I left my xabf a few weeks ago. It's been hard, but I feel better every day. It's not that I don't love him. I just can't be happy with him. It felt more like a parent/child relationship than anything else. I know I made the right decision for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Well, after my divorce I dated a man who didn't drink, and felt the way I do about honesty (not entirely no tolerance, but no infinite number of "second" chances either)
It was every bit as great as I imagined. Everything I wanted with my aexh? I was correct to miss trust, dependability and a healthy sex life... and those things are out there to be found.
Yes, there were other problems, and we aren't dating anymore, but the issues I had with this man didn't hurt and rip me up on the inside the way addiction related ones did. There wasn't the kind of crazy-making avoidance that destroyed my marriage. I could not believe how quickly problems were dealt with in the absence of addiction, and how much less agonizing they were.
Relationships are tough; but that doesn't equal all giving and no getting back. I'm a mess too, but the new boyfriend cared about me anyway. My relationship with the boyfriend made me a better person. As much as I loved my former husband, I can't say that about our marriage.
Good luck!
It was every bit as great as I imagined. Everything I wanted with my aexh? I was correct to miss trust, dependability and a healthy sex life... and those things are out there to be found.
Yes, there were other problems, and we aren't dating anymore, but the issues I had with this man didn't hurt and rip me up on the inside the way addiction related ones did. There wasn't the kind of crazy-making avoidance that destroyed my marriage. I could not believe how quickly problems were dealt with in the absence of addiction, and how much less agonizing they were.
Relationships are tough; but that doesn't equal all giving and no getting back. I'm a mess too, but the new boyfriend cared about me anyway. My relationship with the boyfriend made me a better person. As much as I loved my former husband, I can't say that about our marriage.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey summerpeach,
sometimes i think that saying to oneself, "this new plan is just for right now; it doesn't have to be forever" frees us a little from feeling so panicky. i got panicky when i thought of writing my abf off, cuz i knew i'd miss him for the rest of my life. (dramatic, yes, but it is what i truly believed)
if i could have said "i need to be apart from you right now for a time, so i can work on my issues and you can work on yours" it would have felt liberating. sometimes, baby steps.
sometimes i think that saying to oneself, "this new plan is just for right now; it doesn't have to be forever" frees us a little from feeling so panicky. i got panicky when i thought of writing my abf off, cuz i knew i'd miss him for the rest of my life. (dramatic, yes, but it is what i truly believed)
if i could have said "i need to be apart from you right now for a time, so i can work on my issues and you can work on yours" it would have felt liberating. sometimes, baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
Then me wonders, "how much longer should I have to tolerate unhappiness, madness and insanity"
Read it.
Would you have any friend or family member you love say this and step over it? Ignore it? Think it is okay?
No.
You matter.
You also hold the key of "tolerating". You hold the key.
Just as noday said - you can create happiness, sanity and joy in YOUR life for you. If someone comes along that wants to share and enrich your own fountain of happiness, sanity and joy, then you get it doubled. If not, you provide your own.
Believe you can create that for you, because you CAN! And you DESERVE it.
Don't you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
The title of your post says it all Peach...
Are you ready to leave? I don't know, are you?
Have you had enough of the codie/addict dance? Have you decided what your boundaries are, and to enforce them when your addict steps over them? Are there dealbreakers that the addict has continually broken, and you have accepted?
The 'dance' is just that. A dance. If you choose to be an active partner in it, then no, you are not ready to leave. The addict knows this, and plays you like a fiddle.
Until you decide the dance is over and refuse to take his lead, and you can dance just fine by yourself, thank you very much!! You will not be ready to leave him alone on the dance floor. All of us codies know this dance ALL too well. THEY end up deciding for US when the dance begins and ends. When in reality, we are the ones that have the power to make that decision at any time. But, the addict ends up deciding for us.
And so...the dance continues.....
Are you ready to leave? I don't know, are you?
Have you had enough of the codie/addict dance? Have you decided what your boundaries are, and to enforce them when your addict steps over them? Are there dealbreakers that the addict has continually broken, and you have accepted?
The 'dance' is just that. A dance. If you choose to be an active partner in it, then no, you are not ready to leave. The addict knows this, and plays you like a fiddle.
Until you decide the dance is over and refuse to take his lead, and you can dance just fine by yourself, thank you very much!! You will not be ready to leave him alone on the dance floor. All of us codies know this dance ALL too well. THEY end up deciding for US when the dance begins and ends. When in reality, we are the ones that have the power to make that decision at any time. But, the addict ends up deciding for us.
And so...the dance continues.....
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
One thing is a flaw and the other the progressive, chronic disease of alcoholism. It is funny how relations with "normies" seem easy afterwards... all ex's and current partner look like angels compared to how much addicts are able to hurt, deceit, manipulate etc etc.
Are you ready? I hope so. Mourning sucks at first but afterwards ahhhh the freedom, the relaxation... the rewards, the renewal... I hope you get to this side soon. Its very sunny over here, there is meaning and much satisfaction and joy.
Are you ready? I hope so. Mourning sucks at first but afterwards ahhhh the freedom, the relaxation... the rewards, the renewal... I hope you get to this side soon. Its very sunny over here, there is meaning and much satisfaction and joy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
There is a lot of comparing yourself with others and concern for the opinion of others in your post.
This is YOUR life. I hope you come to a place where the decisions you make ,whatever they be, are based on your needs and choices to promote a life that best serves you.
Who cares what the rest of your familty did or does. Maybe your courage and example is exactly what others need to move on rather than stay in an unhealthy dynamic.
I heard some-one once say..."What other people think of you is none of your business"
Your life will not magically change when you end this relationship. It is a lifelong process learning to love ourselves more than another. But life on the other side is wonderfull! Calm and peacefull with so much freed energy to live life according to your own wants and needs.
This is YOUR life. I hope you come to a place where the decisions you make ,whatever they be, are based on your needs and choices to promote a life that best serves you.
Who cares what the rest of your familty did or does. Maybe your courage and example is exactly what others need to move on rather than stay in an unhealthy dynamic.
I heard some-one once say..."What other people think of you is none of your business"
Your life will not magically change when you end this relationship. It is a lifelong process learning to love ourselves more than another. But life on the other side is wonderfull! Calm and peacefull with so much freed energy to live life according to your own wants and needs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by anvilhead
Do I leave to find someone else, but just with different flaws?
Am I ready to leave this "mess" for another maybe one day to meet another "mess"
Or does one stay alone forever if they cannot handle any one of the 3 trillion people on the planet?
it's not a life requirement that we FIND someone....or be WITH someone...perhaps that's something you could take a look at....what is it about NOT having someone that troubles you? why is that being ALONE sounds like a death sentence?
Am I ready to leave this "mess" for another maybe one day to meet another "mess"
Or does one stay alone forever if they cannot handle any one of the 3 trillion people on the planet?
it's not a life requirement that we FIND someone....or be WITH someone...perhaps that's something you could take a look at....what is it about NOT having someone that troubles you? why is that being ALONE sounds like a death sentence?
But I am working on my fears of being "alone" in therapty. I've actually lived alone for 13 yrs now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
One thing is a flaw and the other the progressive, chronic disease of alcoholism. It is funny how relations with "normies" seem easy afterwards... all ex's and current partner look like angels compared to how much addicts are able to hurt, deceit, manipulate etc etc.
Are you ready? I hope so. Mourning sucks at first but afterwards ahhhh the freedom, the relaxation... the rewards, the renewal... I hope you get to this side soon. Its very sunny over here, there is meaning and much satisfaction and joy.
Are you ready? I hope so. Mourning sucks at first but afterwards ahhhh the freedom, the relaxation... the rewards, the renewal... I hope you get to this side soon. Its very sunny over here, there is meaning and much satisfaction and joy.
I'm not ready, Or maybe I am, I'm not sure yet. But I do want to feel the freedom from this madness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Gold
There is a lot of comparing yourself with others and concern for the opinion of others in your post.
This is YOUR life. I hope you come to a place where the decisions you make ,whatever they be, are based on your needs and choices to promote a life that best serves you.
Who cares what the rest of your familty did or does. Maybe your courage and example is exactly what others need to move on rather than stay in an unhealthy dynamic.
I heard some-one once say..."What other people think of you is none of your business"
Your life will not magically change when you end this relationship. It is a lifelong process learning to love ourselves more than another. But life on the other side is wonderfull! Calm and peacefull with so much freed energy to live life according to your own wants and needs.
This is YOUR life. I hope you come to a place where the decisions you make ,whatever they be, are based on your needs and choices to promote a life that best serves you.
Who cares what the rest of your familty did or does. Maybe your courage and example is exactly what others need to move on rather than stay in an unhealthy dynamic.
I heard some-one once say..."What other people think of you is none of your business"
Your life will not magically change when you end this relationship. It is a lifelong process learning to love ourselves more than another. But life on the other side is wonderfull! Calm and peacefull with so much freed energy to live life according to your own wants and needs.
No, I don't concern myself with what other think of me (if you knew me you would see how true this is).
No one in my family needs courage since they are all really happy and they saw my outstanding courage in fighting a serious illness and other traumas I've been through.
I make decisions based on my choices, opinions, other people's wisdom and their knowledge.
My home group is guiding me to make healthy choices for me.
Not every story of someone with an addict ends in tragedy. Some have a good ending.
I've seen it many times, so need to base my choices on those as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
I got a lot out of reading the book Too Good to Leave - Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. It has a series of questions to ask yourself about the relationship. For me it pinpointed my ex's lack of respectof me, hislac of interest in me and things I am interested in, and his constant criticisms of me. The question that really threw me though was if I actually LIKED my partner. I had to admit that I didn't!
Spinner
Spinner
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm just not sure of how to put the plan into place so I never return.
He loves me, He would do anything for me, he also hates me and tries to hurt me out of his own powerlessness.
how much longer should I have to tolerate unhappiness, madness and insanity
I have a friend who's husband is great. He is a great Dad, has a great job, but cannot talk. He can be mean, He is a little lazy. Does she throw him away?
I'm told "Relationships are tough, probably less tough with a recovering addict since the recovering addict is more in touch with their spiritual side and are fixing what is broken. Where a non addict with many issues is not growing and enriching their sprits
Do I leave to find someone else, but just with different flaws?
Am I ready to leave this "mess" for another maybe one day to meet another "mess"
Or does one stay alone forever if they cannot handle any one of the 3 trillion people on the planet?
How much are you willing to accept? What is the healthiest relationship you can think of? Have you had it with THIS man? If not, he is probably not the right person for you, IMO. Life is much too short to settle for what you describe in MY life EVERY day. I want more than that from life. I am a happy person who wants to surround herself with happy people. What are you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
summerpeach: Do I leave to find someone else, but just with different flaws?
L2L: Maybe that's just it, that you think you're leaving to find someone else, when it is actually YOU that you need to find.
Learn2Live,
Wow! Love it!
beth
L2L: Maybe that's just it, that you think you're leaving to find someone else, when it is actually YOU that you need to find.
Learn2Live,
Wow! Love it!
beth
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