crazytrain

You may recall I said my AH was getting out of jail.
He was schedule to see the kids and have a giant steak (we were going to go out for dinner etc, then him off to a hotel etc...)
Well he was released 5 days ago and he hasn't contacted anyone.
Is he dead (he needs insulin)? Is he in a heroin flop house (still with no insulin!)
I'm getting so scarred something bad has happened.
Even when he was active he called the kids, even when detoxing in jail he call the kids.....He has never not called the kids.....
I'm trying to stay calm.
I hope he is ok

hello-kitty

Reread your last post Crazytrain. I'd look at it as a positive. I'm sure he'll show up eventually. Check and double check your boundaries. Make sure you and the kids are safe.

crazytrain

I know....
He will do what he will do.
I just was wishing he would be the exception to the rule.
But I'm not suprised....
it just hurts.

Impurrfect

((Crazytrain)) - I remember the pain when I realized that my XABF wasn't the exception to the rule, that he really DID just get out of jail and go right back to the dope, and I'm an RA...I know how much of a hold the dope had on ME

I'm sorry you're hurting, but try to focus on you and the kids.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

((((((Crazytrain))))))

So sorry you are going thru this my prayers going out for you and your family also hope you can find your place of peace in all of this.

coffeedrinker

i'm sorry for your anxiety crazytrain. i know you wanna get off the crazy train, and you will. it takes times to learn new behaviors. i don't think he had any reason to get in touch with you, based on what of your story i've read. so, yeah, i think this is a blessing.

idahoone

Crazytrain,

I am saying a prayer for you as I type this....I am praying for peace and serenity for you... when my son was "out there" I remembered his group recovery counselor telling us (family of addicts) that our addicts weren't thinking of us at all when they were using. It helped...sometimes.

Take care of you and I am sorry for your pain...

teke

sorry you are hurting, i know how hard this can be. my ah(rip) left jail quite a few times and went straight back to using without contacting anyone. i use to comfort myself by reminding myself, that he has his id. if anything happened to him either he would call or someone else would and if nobody called, then he might be out using and there was nothing i could do about that.

i agree, he'd hopefully show up soon. like idahoone said, addicts don't usually think about anything but using more drugs while active. his actions probably has nothing to do with you or the kids at all, its more than likely all about getting high.

crazytrain

I just can't take the idea that he has left his kids. He was my son's little league coach!
They built a dog house together, they just used to be so happy together.
NOW IT's ALL GONE.
I cry not for me and him, I cry for all the pain my sons feels and will continue to feel.
It kills me to see such beautiful sweet little boys left like they were garbage.
I'm so sad for them. I know they are hurting.
I never want them to hurt.
I still can't believe what addicts can do!

idahoone

Crazytrain,

I am so sorry- and I agree that it hurts to see your little boys hurting. I also still can't believe the stuff addicts will do- the counselor used to tell us that our addicts were clinically insane while in active addiction. That doesn't excuse the behavior but it might explain it. When we (non-addicts) use our non-addict brains to understand their behavior, we get nowhere fast. If I had a quarter for everytime my friend and I tried to understand our sons' thoughtless reckless behavior....I think I could retire. I try to never let a thought that begins with the words "I would never do that how can he..." cuz I know I am going to the crazy world of attaching reason to an addict's selfish behavior.

I am sorry for your pain and especially for your sons.

Take care,

Impurrfect

((Crazytrain)) - I'm an RA and I can't explain my own actions when I was using. Today, my 16-year-old niece asked me why her "dad" could never "get his act together and take care of me when my mama died" (her mom, my stepsister died when my niece was only 1). Her "dad" has been using, in/out of jails/prison most of her life, and even when he wasn't he chose not to be a part of her life unless it was at his convenience.

As I see her cry, expressing her anger at this man, I have no answers. I've had my brain taken over by some of the very same drugs he abuses, I missed 3 years of her life because of MY using, but I chose recovery. I talk to her, I hug her, and I love her with everything I've got. I can't replace her mom OR her dad, but I can be a stable person in her life, one that she can come to with anything....for that, I am grateful.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I'm really sorry for your kids. I hate addiction

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

crazytrain

He called....
He IS crazy....
I can hear the crazy in his voice. There is no one but him and his drugs. Lots of quacking...."I'm going to get better, you'll see...I just need time to figure things out" (more like figure out how to score...)
I was so good for so long...now.....well it's hard again.
I just wish he could stay in jail forever (how awfull is that!)
He will be having a short visit with the boys tomorrow at the local library, I hope it goes well.
(if he shows up....I'm not telling the boys in case he doesnt)

splendra

I hear you but you must tell the boys it is not about them.

hello-kitty

I think it's really wise of you not to tell the boys about the visit in advance. Then it's a really great surprise for them if he shows up and it doesn't hurt them if he doesn't. That's how I handle it for my son and it seems to be the best way.

One of the times my ex got out of prison he never came to see his son - didn't call for several weeks - I was so angry for my son but in my heart it was for the best. The longer my son goes between visits with his father and the less regular the visits are - the better. That way he doesn't get used to seeing his dad and his dad has less influence over his life.

I wish my ex would just disapear too... having him around makes things more complicated than they are when he's not around.

megan09

My XAP ceased have contact with our young son last September when I confronted him about his behaviour towards me when he phoned or picked him up; he just used that as an excuse in my mind to stop. Although I did, and still can, feel angry about this, I also see it as beneficial in many ways. My anxiety is a lot better now; I used to be in a dreadful state when I saw his name on the phone or when he was due at the door. As for my son, what can an active addict teach him; what sort of role model will he be? Even IF he remains sober while he sees him, I am not willing for him to be in the environment of addicts that my ex lives in - all his 'friends' and his gf are not appropriate people for my son to be around. Apart from that my ex uses vile language, and as he is emotionally immature with no idea how to handle anger etc. he will teach this behaviour to our son. Remember, the drink and drugs are just a symptom that the illness exists; even if they are 'dry' they are still acting like addicts and thinking like addicts. Without recovery, this is not going to change. Hugs and prayers to you.