WizeDeb

I extended my FLMA for the month of March. Im not ready to go back to work. Im just starting pushing myself at home here to get off the couch, clean this house and trying to go out more. Doctor approved it, therapist said it was a great idea. Now I know Im doing this for myself, which means taking the time off and putting myself first.

I know Im a codie but didnt think to this point. I cried all the way to the doctors, in the office and on the way home. Scanned the note and had myself in such a tizzy over sending this to my boss. (sometimes he isnt the most caring guy but I worked my butt off to get where I am) I felt so guilty over taking the time off, worried about the extra work everyone is doing, thinking that they all are thinking Im weak or what ever. He did not respond to me but I talked to my assistant who said everything is fine and if she needs me she knows she can call me. She is doing just fine, which I knew she would and didnt need a temp to answer the phones.

How did it come to this? Ive never put myself first or did the right thing for myself. This is a very confusing feeling for me. Ive ready Melodys books over and over. I know I need this time to recover from AH death, be there for my daughter, and clean this dam house. Which room by room I have been doing, or taking a nap when I want too etc. So my question is has anyone else felt like this? I have therapy today and this is going to be my subject of the day.
I need to learn how to take or put myself and needs first without feelings of guilt, worry or weakness

Carol Star

It sounds to me you are doing the next right thing for you.....my sponser gave me an affirmation when I was going through my divorce to say.....'I will get through this with grace and ease." It helps for me to get out in the sun a little bit and walk....even just 15 minutes and touch base with nature. Do a gratitude list. Meditate. I downloaded a free meditation tape from Sylvan website. You just listen and breathe. Or you can google Holysync and Hemisync meditation.....the Big Book says through prayer and meditation....you don't have to know "how"......it just works.....One of those websites sent me a free tape. Time is what is gonna take.

bookwyrm

(((wizedeb)))

Be gentle with yourself. I think that putting yourself first is really difficult to get at first without those negative feelings - I somehow felt 'wrong'! I think it is a learned habit. I remember being brought up to not be 'any better than I ought', to be 'good' and put others' needs first. Breaking that conditioning is hard!! XAH would reinforce and use those negative feelings to manipulate and control me.

I'm learning how to put myself first - but it is taking time, I seem to be particularly slow at this recovery thing! I still feel guilt etc but I try not to let it stop me. I can feel these feelings but I don't have to act on them. Progress not perfection!

Pelican

I think you are taking all the right steps to recover. I am glad you have professional counseling to assist you.

I have used positive affirmations to help me in my recovery also. My self-esteem was low. I was always worried about what other people would think, why I couldn't accomplish more, why my life wasn't more organized, etc...

My self-doubt and worry had become my daily routine. I was stuck in that low_self_worth_rut. Some wise soul here at SR recommended a self-help book that contains positive affirmations. It has helped me to clear out the cluttered thoughts of worry and self doubt and replace them with loving, supportive words of encouragement to myself. The book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

These are some of the affirmations that stayed on my bathroom mirror and my computer screen for MONTHS:

I love and accept you exactly as you are (look yourself in the eye and repeat)

I approve of me!

I spent years doubting myself. "I wonder if...." "Maybe I should have......"
It's about time I spend years telling myself I love ME.

coffeedrinker

i think the answer is that it takes practice. you weren't born being codependent; you somehow learned it. if that is true, then it's a learned behavior. if that is true, then you can un-learn it.

i think you are doing the right things as well. it's hard to be patient.