How long does it take...

Old 03-02-2010, 03:09 AM
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How long does it take...

for things to calm down after an alcoholic ex is out of the picture? My ex has been gone since November, and things are so much better! I have a wonderful boyfriend, who I was friends with before we started a relationship. My family has been very supportive to me and the kids. Things are just...better. So why am I still so angry? Why is my oldest daughter acting out possibly worse than she did when her father was still here? My therapist told me she is trying to create conflict in the household because it is all she has known, and that living in a peaceful household is out of her comfort zone. This makes me very, very sad. I feel a LOT of guilt for all the things that my children have had to experience and witness in their short lives.
I have been told it will just take some time, but I am having a hard time being patient, especially with myself. I want the anger and the pain and the conflicted emotions to be gone.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:30 AM
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oh I remember feeling like this - I wanted it all done now, thank you very much. It took me a while to get that I spent 18 years with XAH getting into this mess, of course it's going to take me some time to get clear of it!

My anger was directed at me for such a long time - I couldn't believe I let things get the way they did. Why did I trust XAH more than myself? Why did I live the way I did for so long? It took me time to pick this anger apart and finally forgive myself for being human and making mistakes.

I'm glad you have a therapist - I found my counsellor invaluable. Would it be possible for your daughter to have a therapist too? It sounds like she would get a lot out of it.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:34 AM
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I second the idea of counselling for your daughter, as well as open and honest conversation about alcoholism (in an age appropriate way of course). You mentioned November as the date when your A left your life. It's March. That's 5 months. And there's a new boyfriend in the house...so it's a lot of change for a child.

With regards to your anger, I suggest journaling, meditation and just what you've been doing...it'll just take some time.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:17 AM
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My xah also left the end of November. I am no longer angry really. With each ending I am set free a little bit. Next is closing on our house.

My children, on the other hand, still struggle. I plan to get them back into counseling. They are dealing with a lot and it is understandable.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:50 PM
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Thank you all! Hearing your experiences is really helpful. Bookwyrm- I am totally there with the anger at myself. I am sooo angry at myself, and am just trying to let it go, but struggling.
As for my daughter, I am going to research therapists for her. It is something I have been contemplating since the split. She is only 6, almost 7, would therapy be helpful to her? I see a lot of anger and hurt in her that I don't quite know how to help her with.
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:04 AM
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I feel a LOT of guilt for all the things that my children have had to experience and witness in their short lives.
Guilt is usually when we put the word should or should not in front of a sentence. I should have done this or that.
I shouldn't have done XYZ.

Let go of the guilt trip on yourself . You did what you could, with the knnowledge you had at the time with the circumstances at hand.

That was then and this is now. Children are resilient and the lessons you are teaching them in resilience and creating conscious changes for a better life will serve them well.

Despite our impatience time takes time and with love support and maybe counselling if that fits for her she and you will heal. Do you have special mother daughter one on one time. Maybe a date for a milkshake with no other family members. A special time with you that she and she alone owns and can look foward to.
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:53 AM
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I have three young children, so none of them get much one-on-one time with me. But this month is my daughter's birthday, so I am planning on taking her out to lunch, and get her ears pierced like she has been wanting since she was 4. Should be good times.
I wish there were more of me to go around. I feel a lot of the time as if I am shortchanging my kids, because I don't even have enough energy to keep myself going, let alone to give much to them. I'm kind of stuck in a rut right now, and hoping I can pull out of it soon, for everyone's sake.
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Old 03-04-2010, 03:14 AM
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there are definitely good children's therapists, although i'm sure they're not all good.

i took my then-16 year old daughter to see someone, because i thought she seemed depressed. during the second session, therapist asked, "well, why do you think you might be depressed?" my daughter said "i thought i was here for you to figure that out."

the next session, therapist told her to do something my daughter said she would not be comfortable with: talking to her dad about his alcoholism. she also gave the assignment of "coming up with things to do to feel better". taylor said she thought the therapist was supposed to give guidance and suggestions. we never went back again.

i took my niece to her first therapist when she was four. this woman was wonderful.
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:38 AM
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The counselor my 8yo saw talked to him about issues of anger etc. and also talked to me a lot about things I could do to help him etc. Well worth it and we are going back.
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Old 03-04-2010, 12:05 PM
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I recall going to one when I was around 12, he played some cards with me and told me wonderful things about how my future could look like ... (BEING RECEPTIVE! was the main message)... he asked me to create 2 play doh human figures that represented me... one with pain and the other one peaceful.. and I had to join them together and create another human figure bigger and stronger..

Maybe I didn't get it all at the time but 10 years later I was able to forgive my father or at least get much closer to that, I wish everybody went to therapy and sent their kids! if your daughter doesn't like the first one you can always look for somebody else...

Thanks for making me feel less abnormal for still having conflicting emotions when I do have a great life now.... I plan to journal and burn the papers. Also, I'm deleting all the emails of that stage in my life, giving away clothes with bad reminders, ignoring contacts he knows etc etc, and that makes me feel great as in it is my power and decision to stay away, its not up to him. Nothing is up to him.

I guess some experiences are more traumatic than others :I
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