PHIZ007

Ok guys yesterday I posted such a positive post about how I felt etc etc etc and wham bham today I feel totally dreadfull.

I am sad beyond belief. I am sad because I know I no longer want to stay in this marriage when his first priority is the bottle....always the bottle!

He works hard he is a great provider (financially) it isn't enough. He is emotionally and physically shut down - we haven't been intimate atall for 2 years!!...he is drunk every single night seven nights a week regardless if he is working or on holiday...he drinks because he has a good day, he drinks because he has a bad day - he drinks because....he drinks!

My heart is broken, I have supported and loved this man with my heart and soul for the last ten years but I know I am done. It hurts!...it hurts alot I can do nothing to make him sober. What I can do is focus on myself and my children and that is what I am doing. But today it totally sucks! and I am in need of some support.

All my family and long term friends are in the UK......I do have a couple of really good friends here but not ones that I have completely opened up to! Thank God for my SR family! I really need you guys today.

Two year ago we went to counselling where he down played his alcoholism BIG TIME! He blamed me for all our problems! Then my best friend committed suicide in the UK.......now he blames her death on all our problems (WTF???)......he has never once looked at himself and thought god maybe if I didn't drink two bottles of wine every single night life would be so much better. It has got to the point for me where I no longer even want to try.....because unless he does something about his alcoholism all the trying will once again be on my part and as before I am done. he is emotionally and physically detached has been for a long time (years!) - I was exhausted mentally and physically from trying to sort my side of the street out - its really hard when only one of you is participating in helping oneself.

I am done. But I am so so sad.........

I know I can do absoultely nothing to help him atall - he needs to do it all himself and I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, take some of my own advice, and just keep mgoing. My plan is to return to the UK to be closer to my family and friends as that is where I should be.

I know he had a very dysfunctional upbringing, I undertsand why he is the way he is in some ways BUT I want better for myself and my children.....

I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do not have the money for the flights home (yet!)...but I do have a plan and should have it by November.

I think things have come to a head recently because he sees I am not playing the game. Over the weekend he had two horrible verbal outbursts at me Quack Quack Quack and the next day pretended nothing had happened (am sure he doesn't remember all he said but I know he remembers he wasn't nice!). He just can never say sorry and take any responsibility its always someone elses fault. I have noticed he has got really quite verbally nasty when drunk since I have detached.......typical alcoholic behaiviour! Oh and the classic this morning "You are an alcoholic too"!!.....yes I do enjoy a glass of wine at the weekend.....he is still in denial himself I feel and I am going to save myself and my children....I have too!

Alcoholism sucks! Sorry for the waffle.......I am feeling low, I know it will pass thank you for listening.........now I am off to do my houswork!

take care all...and look after You! (Must re read some of my own advice!!) Phiz

transformyself

I"m sorry Phiz. Once your away from him, you'll have clarity and serenity. Theoretically, you can have clarity and serenity now, in the house with him, by practicing detachment with love and the other tools of the program. I don't know if I could though. And i can totally relate to where you're at emotionally. It's a fine walk- acknowledging your feelings so you can let them go.

I can tell you, promise you that it will get better. You will get better. We're here for you.

wicked

Phiz,
I am sorry you are dealing with the dreadful sadness. Your posts are usually upbeat and supportive. I have felt that wave of sadness myself.
I heard in one of my rehab counseling sessions,
"you cant heal it if you dont feel it"
or maybe that was a book title. sorry, i dont know.

so, this is part of your healing yeah, it sucks, but you will handle it. i know it.

Gold

Oh Sweetheart
Sorry to hear you are having a low day or two.
Must be something in the stars.
Yesterday was my cwappy day. Didn't function at workmuch at all.

QUOTE]Alcoholism sucks![[/QUOTE]
yes it does but it is not your fault and you are making massive progress to identifying your issues and healing your life.

There is no law that we have to be happy and upbeat 24/7. It okay to feel the rollercoaster.





Now set a time to pick yourself up!!

:ghug3

coffeedrinker

i am sorry you're feeling so blue. it must feel a little good in a way to have made a decision, though. i felt both rotten and great when i made mine.

peace is coming

ItsmeAlice

Your post could have been written by me a year ago. I remember those days of feeling confident in my recovery and ability to cope one day and then devastated by emotion the next day. Each day seemed so extreme, and I totally understand where you're at. ((((Hugs))))).

I would have days where I thought we could stay together and days where I thought if I didn't get out in the next five minutes I would explode. I'll tell you what really made a difference for me was having a plan just like you have mentioned here. (Funny enough, I was saving my pennies to leave in the month of November as well.)

Just having a plan, even if it is was just a backup in case things with t*ts up, made a huge difference. It gave me the leway to make a decision that wasn't about financial need or feeling trapped. I could choose to do what was right by the way I really felt in my heart. Some here said I was biding my time and that was true, but that time spent gave me a chance to get financially more secure and taught me how to cope in many ways.

As it all turned out, my XABF lost his job and our housing with it and I had to make a final decision to stay or go a lot sooner than I expected to, months sooner in fact. His job loss was not a new occurrence for us, but it was an excuse for him to spiral deeper than he ever had before. I have to say, it made my decision to go obvious, and I was ready for it. As stressful as it all was, I made it happen. Been separated 7 months now. Been no contact for 5.

You are right, these low feelings will pass. Keep posting and work through them. You're going to be just fine!

Alice

nightshade

Phiz, I don't have any advice, because I just recently went through, and still am going through, what you are going through. I remember the devastation when I was finally ready to face the fact that my relationship with my husband was a lost cause. I had spent so much time deluding myself that things would eventually get better, or that they were not as bad as they really were. It is incredibly painful to let go of a relationship that you have put so much into.
Just remember that you WILL make it. And you will come out the other side a stronger, wiser person.

stella27

I hope you have a great day, phizzie. ((hugs))

Insulated

His DOC is his priority. His spouse is a convenience. This is a sad state of affairs for both of you. I'm sorry. Maybe this is becoming a pivot point for you rather than downplaying his addiction, but maybe a time to reevaluated if your needs are being met in the marriage? some days are easy and sometimes they're iffy, other times whammo. keep looking forward toward YOUR future.

PHIZ007

Oh guys thank you so much for your thoughts, strength, inspiration and hope (((((((HUGS))))))))....and honesty! I love to read it as it really is......and I keep playing the tape all the way through!

I am feeling better today. I went to the theatre last night with a friend which really cheered me up and somehow today looks brighter.

It is sad when you finally realise that it really is like hitting your head off a brick wall as much as you love them!

It doesn't matter what I do or what I don't do...his recovery is up to him if he wants it....and my recovery is up to me and I really want it! For myself and for my babies.

Take care my dear SR friends......you are a great support for me. Phiz

Jadmack25

Dear Phiz, sorry you have been in the doldrums and feeling RS.

Here's a special show of love to you, from one Aussie to another.

God bless

Jadmack25

Hope you are feeling a fair bit better today Phiz, and back on track with making life as you want it, not as that damned bottle decides.

God bless

PHIZ007

Jadmack Thank you so much for thinking of me today.

Yes I feel back on track. I had a sad couple of days then gave my self a bit of a kick to get back on track! Someone posted on here that you have to feel it to start healing and thats oh that is so true.

It is terrible to watch someone you love struggle so much....but he is an adult and can decide for himself. I am an adult and can only be responsible for myself........

Its a girl friends birthday tomorrow and we are having a celebration dinner tonight which will be nice. I have made myself the designated driver. Its the weekend and I don't want to have a really late night as I want to be up with my little ones in the morning early. But I am looking forward to a laugh with my friends after my week!

Take Care all - and thank you again for your love and support guys, not sure where I would be without you all to keep me on track! Phiz

Jadmack25

Here's to you and your night out. Have alovely time.

God bless

barb dwyer

nothing to say - just support support ...

KeepPedaling

I'm with Barb, support, support.

jackson1love

I am new to this. I came to this site by chance. Phiz, I know how you feel. I finally asked the father of my children to leave after 15 years of his drinking. Nothing worked. We have peace and quiet now at home. I don't live with the disappointment, the hurt, the arguments, the agony of seeing him drunk every day. What happened yesterday is that he came to see the kids. He was drunk. I instantly asked him to visit with them and and leave. We argued. My son, who's 10 says, "you're supposed to love daddy rememeber? Remember the good times??" My heart broke. Again. I still had to insist he leave this house. This house that was once his. His things are still here. He called over and over until I thought I'd lose my mind begging to stay because he's "destitute". I told him to check into a hospital. Yes, I was strong because I know if I let him back in it will be the end of ME. But the pain is so excruciating that I can hardly stand it. And it is so difficult because I wish HE weren't in such pain but I don'd know what else to do. I can't fix him. I can't make him see the light. I can't stand to see him kill himself either. Yet, I feel like I'm carrying his pain along with mine. I hope this gets better because it just feels like it can't get worse. I'm sorry Phiz,, I hope to post when I'm in a better state but at least you know from this response that you are not alone.

coffeedrinker

jackson1love,

welcome to s/r. sometimes new members start a new thread introducing themselves - entirely optional.

i think most of us found this site by chance. it has become such a big part of my life now, sometimes i wonder if i am too connected to it, but has been a tremendous source of inspiration, support and education.

in answer to your question: yes, it gets better. it's like there was a part of you - a leg or hand or part of your brain - that you have needed to cut off like a surgery. you are angry, hurt and you miss that body part, and sometimes you just don't know if you can live without it. but live without it you can, and must - for your own mental health and the sake of your children.

your 10-year-old also has a lot of feelings about this. he may rush to his father's aid many more times, until he gains a more mature understanding of what the deal is. just give him permission to have his feelings.

TakingCharge999

Phiz I am glad you are socializing! I totally get what you mean about not opening up 100% to friends and have ppl that you really trust, far away. Do you journal?
Sending hugsssssssss from a very sunny Sunday down here..