I need to spend more time here
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I need to spend more time here
Basically, that sums up how I am feeling right now....
I took a personal day today. I didn't go to class today for the first time this semester. I need to stay away from the sites that ultimately cause me some form of pain.
I really feel like I just had some major emotional setbacks this weekend. Well, ever since I got the "apology" which turned out to be a non-apology. I'm surprised at how little it took for me to feel the hurt and the pain all over again.
My stomach is in knots because I keep thinking about the FANTASY that I lost. Jeez, why is that so hard to just let go of? When the reality is that I know he is still just sitting on his couch drinking himself to sleep..... even with the ex he went back to, who is the "love of his life."
Yes, that obviously still hurts. I hate hate hate that he's with someone else. When I know 10 years from now I will be grateful. Right now, it does not feel that way. I feel loss, pain, hurt, sick, lonely, sad......
BUT I also don't feel hopeless. So that is good. I know that in 2 1/2 months I get to move.
But when I think about that, I think about the day I will be leaving, and how this man who I really cared about, who I would have done anything for, who became, for a time, someone who I considered my best friend... that there is no goodbye with him. There is nothing. I came here to be with him, I thought there was a life with him, and now after everything there was between us, there is nothing. God, that is so painful to think about.
I was feeling so low this weekend I actually wrote to my father. I won't get into that backstory but he disowned me 2 years ago after his father died. He has disowned most of the familly. He's incredibly selfish and a narcissist. Literally, a diagnosable narcissist.
Well, I guess it speaks to my abandonment issues. I feel completely let down and abandonded by my XA.... so I turn to someone else who abandoned me, my father, hoping that he would respond to a kind message.
And...nothing.
Why am I reaching out to people who constantly disappoint and hurt me?
Ok, sorry so long. Venting, hurting, trying to get back to the place I thought I was a month ago.
I took a personal day today. I didn't go to class today for the first time this semester. I need to stay away from the sites that ultimately cause me some form of pain.
I really feel like I just had some major emotional setbacks this weekend. Well, ever since I got the "apology" which turned out to be a non-apology. I'm surprised at how little it took for me to feel the hurt and the pain all over again.
My stomach is in knots because I keep thinking about the FANTASY that I lost. Jeez, why is that so hard to just let go of? When the reality is that I know he is still just sitting on his couch drinking himself to sleep..... even with the ex he went back to, who is the "love of his life."
Yes, that obviously still hurts. I hate hate hate that he's with someone else. When I know 10 years from now I will be grateful. Right now, it does not feel that way. I feel loss, pain, hurt, sick, lonely, sad......
BUT I also don't feel hopeless. So that is good. I know that in 2 1/2 months I get to move.
But when I think about that, I think about the day I will be leaving, and how this man who I really cared about, who I would have done anything for, who became, for a time, someone who I considered my best friend... that there is no goodbye with him. There is nothing. I came here to be with him, I thought there was a life with him, and now after everything there was between us, there is nothing. God, that is so painful to think about.
I was feeling so low this weekend I actually wrote to my father. I won't get into that backstory but he disowned me 2 years ago after his father died. He has disowned most of the familly. He's incredibly selfish and a narcissist. Literally, a diagnosable narcissist.
Well, I guess it speaks to my abandonment issues. I feel completely let down and abandonded by my XA.... so I turn to someone else who abandoned me, my father, hoping that he would respond to a kind message.
And...nothing.
Why am I reaching out to people who constantly disappoint and hurt me?
Ok, sorry so long. Venting, hurting, trying to get back to the place I thought I was a month ago.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Here's my take, K-Boo. Hope something here helps or you can relate to.
[QUOTE=Kittyboo;2530411]
Look for the lesson. Sometimes we just HAVE to stick our hand back on the hot stove in order to learn the lesson. What was it?
The fantasy is idealistic thinking. A picture of how it SHOULD be, that we ALL formulate in our heads as we grow, and against which we COMPARE what we experience. The first thing I had to do to stop the suffering I was going through when this happened was realize that SOCIETY helped build that very strong fantasy for me. I had to break away from EVERYTHING I saw in that fantasy that was not an original thought of my own, and disown those ideas that had literally been plugged into my head in large part through the use of images.
You realize this is magical thinking, right? There is no such thing as the "love of your life." Because ANYONE could be this and then DIE suddenly and inexplicably; then where would you be? It's all in how you LOOK at it. We can ALL have multiple "loves of our lives." I know I have AT LEAST SIX! (three nieces and three nephews).
Because you need to. We ALL need to feel those things at certain times in our lives. So feel it, experience it, understand it, but don't get overwhelmed by it, or allow it to take over your life. Let yourself stay home a day or two but then, if you can't get back into the groove, reach out for some help.
There is some lesson about your SELF that you have yet to learn. Both of these relationships probably contain the same lesson. Do you have any idea what the shared lesson may be?
[QUOTE=Kittyboo;2530411]
I really feel like I just had some major emotional setbacks this weekend. Well, ever since I got the "apology" which turned out to be a non-apology. I'm surprised at how little it took for me to feel the hurt and the pain all over again.
My stomach is in knots because I keep thinking about the FANTASY that I lost. Jeez, why is that so hard to just let go of?
with the ex he went back to, who is the "love of his life."
I feel loss, pain, hurt, sick, lonely, sad......
so I turn to someone else who abandoned me, my father, hoping that he would respond to a kind message. And...nothing. Why am I reaching out to people who constantly disappoint and hurt me?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 7
I totally understand and feel like I could have written your post exactly the same way you wrote it. Some days are better than others but I always have that sick, sad, anxiety-like feeling in my stomach. Hang in there and know that others feel your pain as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When XABF and I separated, I totally floundered around looking for whatever familiar interaction I knew to latch onto whether it was healthy for me or not.
I had to understand that unhealthy relationships are not a cure for lonliness no matter how familiar they are. And that's the only reason I was trying to establish them because they were familiar not because I really wanted to spend time with people who had hurt me in the past.
It's kind of the same reason that when times get stressful, I turn to binge eating. It's familiar and I know what I'm going to get from it even though what I get I don't like (weight gain, health problems, depression, etc).
Ugly old habits are hard to break. Don't be too hard on yourself about it. I have found the only cure for reaching out to old unhealthy relationships for me is to reach out to new ones. I gotta make new friends slowly and not be afraid to let the rotten apples go along the way.
Alice
I had to understand that unhealthy relationships are not a cure for lonliness no matter how familiar they are. And that's the only reason I was trying to establish them because they were familiar not because I really wanted to spend time with people who had hurt me in the past.
It's kind of the same reason that when times get stressful, I turn to binge eating. It's familiar and I know what I'm going to get from it even though what I get I don't like (weight gain, health problems, depression, etc).
Ugly old habits are hard to break. Don't be too hard on yourself about it. I have found the only cure for reaching out to old unhealthy relationships for me is to reach out to new ones. I gotta make new friends slowly and not be afraid to let the rotten apples go along the way.
Alice
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
When I know 10 years from now I will be grateful. Right now, it does not feel that way. I feel loss, pain, hurt, sick, lonely, sad......
I too took a "Personal Health Day " off work. Too flat and exhausted to concentrate on work politics so I came home after a few hours.
My goal in all this is to not rebound into any other unhealthy relationships to fill the viod but rather live with myself, learn, grow and heal. I will be consciously choosing new healthy relationships.
Hugs Kittyboo, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Hi Kittyboo. I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. I'm glad you took a day to just absorb it and hibernate.
I know how much it hurts to let go. I get those feelings too. HUGE sadness and loss. This week I've been feeling a lot better. I still feel bad when I think about it though. The only thing I can do right now, for now, is to not spend so much time thinking about it. It hurts to think about it, so I feel like it's just torturing myself to do it. I KNOW I can't be with him, I KNOW there is nothing I can do, I KNOW I've lost my dream of being with him, I KNOW he chose booze. So I'm trying to stay very busy, not think about it too much, and did I say that I'm trying to stay very busy? It helps. Yesterday I went on a long bike ride with about 6,000 other cyclists. It was very distracting. Also, following all those nice butts, I mean cycling men, made me begin to ponder future possibilities, which cheered me up a bit.
I'm glad you'll be moving soon. I think that's going to help you so much. Hang in there. You're going to get through this.
I know how much it hurts to let go. I get those feelings too. HUGE sadness and loss. This week I've been feeling a lot better. I still feel bad when I think about it though. The only thing I can do right now, for now, is to not spend so much time thinking about it. It hurts to think about it, so I feel like it's just torturing myself to do it. I KNOW I can't be with him, I KNOW there is nothing I can do, I KNOW I've lost my dream of being with him, I KNOW he chose booze. So I'm trying to stay very busy, not think about it too much, and did I say that I'm trying to stay very busy? It helps. Yesterday I went on a long bike ride with about 6,000 other cyclists. It was very distracting. Also, following all those nice butts, I mean cycling men, made me begin to ponder future possibilities, which cheered me up a bit.
I'm glad you'll be moving soon. I think that's going to help you so much. Hang in there. You're going to get through this.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
My goal in all this is to not rebound into any other unhealthy relationships to fill the viod but rather live with myself, learn, grow and heal. I will be consciously choosing new healthy relationships.
yes!! this is the ticket. the possibility that you/we will fall right into another similar dynamic is all-too real. we HAVE to realize that, so we don't set ourselves up for another heartache.
kitty i wish i had some comforting words. but i know how you feel, and it's just plain painful. i think that we humans have an innate aversion to feeling pain, physical or emotional. so we reach for something to get away from it. just know, it's only feelings, yes they hurt, but they won't actually damage you. we just have to sit in the muck for a time, learn what the lesson was, then get up and move on.
yes!! this is the ticket. the possibility that you/we will fall right into another similar dynamic is all-too real. we HAVE to realize that, so we don't set ourselves up for another heartache.
kitty i wish i had some comforting words. but i know how you feel, and it's just plain painful. i think that we humans have an innate aversion to feeling pain, physical or emotional. so we reach for something to get away from it. just know, it's only feelings, yes they hurt, but they won't actually damage you. we just have to sit in the muck for a time, learn what the lesson was, then get up and move on.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling 
Yesterday I went on a long bike ride with about 6,000 other cyclists. It was very distracting. Also, following all those nice butts, I mean cycling men, made me begin to ponder future possibilities, which cheered me up a bit. .
.Distractions are good now and again!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Hi Kittyboo. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I definitely definitely definitely know those feelings all too well. I have the same abandonment issues; my biological father abandoned me when I was a little girl. It's something that I didn't consciously carry through life, but something that hit me like a ton of bricks when AH left me. I was completely devastated and somewhat debilitated for about 5 or 6 months after he left.
Something shifted in me after a while. I don't really know how or why, but I was able to really face the fact that AH left me, abandoned me. I was even able to consider that he may have left me because I was fat, boring, etc., instead of blaming it on alcohol. I think looking at it that way was really important for me, because all I was left with was the possible reality that I was rejected and abandoned for who I was. From there, I could finally decide whether *I* agreed with these subtle voices in my head that, every time I faced rejection or abandonment, told me I was x, y, z. And I was able to decide that I don't agree that I am x, y, or z, so it really doesn't matter if someone rejects me or abandons me, because I actually like who I am.
I don't know if that makes sense to you at all. I feel that by considering the possibility that I might be a total douchebag, worthy or rejection, really helped me to not just get past the abandonment by AH, but also the deeper rooted abandonment by my father. Blaming alcohol not only stunted me in healing from abandonment by AH, but it also helped me to avoid the deeper issues I faced. The real issue was that I didn't have the inner solidness to respond to rejection and abandonment by saying, "Good luck and goodbye."
OK, if I haven't lost you yet, another thing that helped me a lot to move forward was to keep telling myself, "That's his path," when I felt myself getting angry at things AH would do. Do you know how much I wanted to try to convince him that leaving me and the kids and moving in with my "friend" was a horrible idea? I kept telling myself, "That's his path," because he does get to choose his path. We used to walk on a path together, but we're now walking separate ways. And getting too wrapped up in looking at his path makes me fail to see all the beauty in mine.
So anyway, I don't know if any of this helps, but at the very least, I know how you feel!
Something shifted in me after a while. I don't really know how or why, but I was able to really face the fact that AH left me, abandoned me. I was even able to consider that he may have left me because I was fat, boring, etc., instead of blaming it on alcohol. I think looking at it that way was really important for me, because all I was left with was the possible reality that I was rejected and abandoned for who I was. From there, I could finally decide whether *I* agreed with these subtle voices in my head that, every time I faced rejection or abandonment, told me I was x, y, z. And I was able to decide that I don't agree that I am x, y, or z, so it really doesn't matter if someone rejects me or abandons me, because I actually like who I am.
I don't know if that makes sense to you at all. I feel that by considering the possibility that I might be a total douchebag, worthy or rejection, really helped me to not just get past the abandonment by AH, but also the deeper rooted abandonment by my father. Blaming alcohol not only stunted me in healing from abandonment by AH, but it also helped me to avoid the deeper issues I faced. The real issue was that I didn't have the inner solidness to respond to rejection and abandonment by saying, "Good luck and goodbye."
OK, if I haven't lost you yet, another thing that helped me a lot to move forward was to keep telling myself, "That's his path," when I felt myself getting angry at things AH would do. Do you know how much I wanted to try to convince him that leaving me and the kids and moving in with my "friend" was a horrible idea? I kept telling myself, "That's his path," because he does get to choose his path. We used to walk on a path together, but we're now walking separate ways. And getting too wrapped up in looking at his path makes me fail to see all the beauty in mine.
So anyway, I don't know if any of this helps, but at the very least, I know how you feel!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by wanting
OK, if I haven't lost you yet, another thing that helped me a lot to move forward was to keep telling myself, "That's his path," when I felt myself getting angry at things AH would do. Do you know how much I wanted to try to convince him that leaving me and the kids and moving in with my "friend" was a horrible idea? I kept telling myself, "That's his path," because he does get to choose his path. We used to walk on a path together, but we're now walking separate ways. And getting too wrapped up in looking at his path makes me fail to see all the beauty in mine.
His path does NOT have to destroy mine! Beautiful! Thanks for that, I needed it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Wow. So many great words and insight, and I am wanting to soak everything in. There were so many helpful things said here that I want to try to respond to each one, but forgive me if I miss some.....
Learn,
I am learning MANY lessons from my experience with him. Yes, even after ALL of his lies that I know about, I suppose I had to touch the stove one more time to be reminded that it is still very hot and I should step away. And being that the instructions are in chinese, and I don't read chinese, then I should never go towards that stove again... I have no idea how it works!
Ah magical thinking....thank you Disney! That's all I have to say there. Trying to watch more lifetime and not so much the disney flicks!
As far as feeling all of my feelings, which are soooo up and down.... feeling the hurt and pain etc. Yes, I obviously still need to feel these feelings. When I want to cry I am allowing myself to cry. I am trying not to keep them bottled up inside.
Your comment to me in my other post :Accordingly, I honestly believe that alcoholic guy you are talking about is gone because you WANTED him gone. Weren't you DONE with him a LONG time ago? Think about that for a while before you answer "No.
Ok, I think it is a little painful for me to acknowledge that I agree with you, because I feel if that is true, then when I say I truly cared about him, that I didn't mean it. Does that make sense? When I feel in my heart, I really did.
But this reminded me of a feeling I had the very last time I saw him. It was right after his drunken car accident. And he had called me. This was before I really understood what enabling was, or what even being involved with an alcoholic meant. And he asked me to be there for him, cried on the phone..... I wanted nothing more than to hug him and make his pain go away. And that's exactly what I tried to do.
The next morning, he was distant from me, I could tell. I felt like, I gave him exactly the comfort he needed that night, and the next day he was done with me. For a moment I sat there on his couch looking at him, he looked worn out.... and I remember thinking exactly "Is this the life that I want?"
Somehow, even before really having a chance to live with him, and really know what it was like to be completely in his world....I was questionning it.
Two weeks later he was back in the arms of his ex wife.
Dallas - I just have to tell you that your screen name is the EXACT location of where I am counting the days that I get to move away from!!
Alice -
I had to understand that unhealthy relationships are not a cure for lonliness no matter how familiar they are. And that's the only reason I was trying to establish them because they were familiar not because I really wanted to spend time with people who had hurt me in the past.
Yes!!! It is so easy to just want to go to the familiar, no matter how painful it is because it's what you know. Sometimes I think my need is to constantly try to fix what I feel I have done wrong in the past in those relationships. When it's not my place to fix them.
KP -
I know how much it hurts to let go. I get those feelings too. HUGE sadness and loss. This week I've been feeling a lot better. I still feel bad when I think about it though. The only thing I can do right now, for now, is to not spend so much time thinking about it. It hurts to think about it, so I feel like it's just torturing myself to do it. I KNOW I can't be with him, I KNOW there is nothing I can do, I KNOW I've lost my dream of being with him, I KNOW he chose booze
Yes and yes. I feel bad when I THINK about it. So simply, STOP thinking about it! What is it about the torture of those thoughts that keeps me going back to them?? I don't know if it is to keep reminding myself of who he really is, or the oain so I don't want to go back.... but I am ready for the painful thoughts to stop now. I am ready to want to control them.
And you crack me up with nice butts!! I agree! I love some cyclists butts! Especially some Aussie one's!!! Omg, Hugh Jackman...now THERE is my magical fantasy!
Oh, wait, I think I am getting off track here.
Wanting-
Your post made perfect sense.
I have realized in therapy that I am not only dealing with abandonment from my father, but from my mother too....when I was little. Though I have a relationship with her now, we are not too close, and she did abandon me when I went to live with my father.
As far as my issues go now.....I really need to stop internalizing everything. I do realize that my XA choosing to be with his ex had nothing to do with me, it had to do with fullfilling his own needs.
That is his path, and yes, he has EVERY right to go down his own path, and do what he needs to do to feel like he can survive.
My sadness comes from him not wanting to go down the path with me. I guess we get into the ego thing now. Which I read on another post at one point.
My sadness comes from feeling betrayed. Ultimately, the core of my hurt right now doesn't come from that fact that he is with her. It comes from how little respect for me he had when I was there for him. And I chose not to see it. His pain always came first. I'm angry at myself for that.
Thank you to EVERYONE who expressed their personal feelings and thoughts here. It ALWAYS is a source of comfort.
Learn,
I am learning MANY lessons from my experience with him. Yes, even after ALL of his lies that I know about, I suppose I had to touch the stove one more time to be reminded that it is still very hot and I should step away. And being that the instructions are in chinese, and I don't read chinese, then I should never go towards that stove again... I have no idea how it works!
Ah magical thinking....thank you Disney! That's all I have to say there. Trying to watch more lifetime and not so much the disney flicks!
As far as feeling all of my feelings, which are soooo up and down.... feeling the hurt and pain etc. Yes, I obviously still need to feel these feelings. When I want to cry I am allowing myself to cry. I am trying not to keep them bottled up inside.
Your comment to me in my other post :Accordingly, I honestly believe that alcoholic guy you are talking about is gone because you WANTED him gone. Weren't you DONE with him a LONG time ago? Think about that for a while before you answer "No.
Ok, I think it is a little painful for me to acknowledge that I agree with you, because I feel if that is true, then when I say I truly cared about him, that I didn't mean it. Does that make sense? When I feel in my heart, I really did.
But this reminded me of a feeling I had the very last time I saw him. It was right after his drunken car accident. And he had called me. This was before I really understood what enabling was, or what even being involved with an alcoholic meant. And he asked me to be there for him, cried on the phone..... I wanted nothing more than to hug him and make his pain go away. And that's exactly what I tried to do.
The next morning, he was distant from me, I could tell. I felt like, I gave him exactly the comfort he needed that night, and the next day he was done with me. For a moment I sat there on his couch looking at him, he looked worn out.... and I remember thinking exactly "Is this the life that I want?"
Somehow, even before really having a chance to live with him, and really know what it was like to be completely in his world....I was questionning it.
Two weeks later he was back in the arms of his ex wife.
Dallas - I just have to tell you that your screen name is the EXACT location of where I am counting the days that I get to move away from!!
Alice -
I had to understand that unhealthy relationships are not a cure for lonliness no matter how familiar they are. And that's the only reason I was trying to establish them because they were familiar not because I really wanted to spend time with people who had hurt me in the past.
Yes!!! It is so easy to just want to go to the familiar, no matter how painful it is because it's what you know. Sometimes I think my need is to constantly try to fix what I feel I have done wrong in the past in those relationships. When it's not my place to fix them.
KP -
I know how much it hurts to let go. I get those feelings too. HUGE sadness and loss. This week I've been feeling a lot better. I still feel bad when I think about it though. The only thing I can do right now, for now, is to not spend so much time thinking about it. It hurts to think about it, so I feel like it's just torturing myself to do it. I KNOW I can't be with him, I KNOW there is nothing I can do, I KNOW I've lost my dream of being with him, I KNOW he chose booze
Yes and yes. I feel bad when I THINK about it. So simply, STOP thinking about it! What is it about the torture of those thoughts that keeps me going back to them?? I don't know if it is to keep reminding myself of who he really is, or the oain so I don't want to go back.... but I am ready for the painful thoughts to stop now. I am ready to want to control them.
And you crack me up with nice butts!! I agree! I love some cyclists butts! Especially some Aussie one's!!! Omg, Hugh Jackman...now THERE is my magical fantasy!
Oh, wait, I think I am getting off track here.
Wanting-
Your post made perfect sense.
I have realized in therapy that I am not only dealing with abandonment from my father, but from my mother too....when I was little. Though I have a relationship with her now, we are not too close, and she did abandon me when I went to live with my father.
As far as my issues go now.....I really need to stop internalizing everything. I do realize that my XA choosing to be with his ex had nothing to do with me, it had to do with fullfilling his own needs.
That is his path, and yes, he has EVERY right to go down his own path, and do what he needs to do to feel like he can survive.
My sadness comes from him not wanting to go down the path with me. I guess we get into the ego thing now. Which I read on another post at one point.
My sadness comes from feeling betrayed. Ultimately, the core of my hurt right now doesn't come from that fact that he is with her. It comes from how little respect for me he had when I was there for him. And I chose not to see it. His pain always came first. I'm angry at myself for that.
Thank you to EVERYONE who expressed their personal feelings and thoughts here. It ALWAYS is a source of comfort.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Shudder of recognition.
My faves:
In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.
...Recognizing unavailability...
Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. Focusing on symptoms...will not heal the cause.
The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.
It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.
Boy! That's an answer to the original question: Why am I reaching out to people who constantly disappoint and hurt me?
Ahhhhhh....
I know, for me, I came from an emotionally kind and unavailable family. My AH does not push my buttons on sharing cuz he is so shut down. I think that made me feel safe in the beginning. It also allowed me to be in control by managing how much communication happened (from me to him). It also allowed me to be holier than thou since he can't open up and I (in my mind) can.
Awww...yuck.
Thanks for that, Anvil. Robert gets long winded and I get OVERWHELMED by the sheer mass of info on his site, but it's good stuff!
My faves:
In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.
...Recognizing unavailability...
Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. Focusing on symptoms...will not heal the cause.
The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.
It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.
Boy! That's an answer to the original question: Why am I reaching out to people who constantly disappoint and hurt me?
Ahhhhhh....
I know, for me, I came from an emotionally kind and unavailable family. My AH does not push my buttons on sharing cuz he is so shut down. I think that made me feel safe in the beginning. It also allowed me to be in control by managing how much communication happened (from me to him). It also allowed me to be holier than thou since he can't open up and I (in my mind) can.
Awww...yuck.
Thanks for that, Anvil. Robert gets long winded and I get OVERWHELMED by the sheer mass of info on his site, but it's good stuff!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
What a great resource, Anvil.
Kittyboo...so sorry you're feeling sad. I can't imagine the pain of having him choose someone else on top of all the other issues! I would be both livid and terribly sad. You're handling it so well though. Think about how far you've come!
Wife- I love your response because I have recently realized this about my situation.
Everything I would get mad at A for, (mostly being unavailable) was exactly what I was doing! But of course, I didn't realize this and I thought I was so much better at communicating. And I definitely had a holier-than-thou power trip thing goin' too. Ha. I feel so silly, looking back. And I think that's why its so painful. They're like mirrors for us to look and see inside of ourselves.
Post in here Kittyboo! I check in here obsessively...lol I'm AVAILABLE to write back!
Kittyboo...so sorry you're feeling sad. I can't imagine the pain of having him choose someone else on top of all the other issues! I would be both livid and terribly sad. You're handling it so well though. Think about how far you've come!
Wife- I love your response because I have recently realized this about my situation.
Everything I would get mad at A for, (mostly being unavailable) was exactly what I was doing! But of course, I didn't realize this and I thought I was so much better at communicating. And I definitely had a holier-than-thou power trip thing goin' too. Ha. I feel so silly, looking back. And I think that's why its so painful. They're like mirrors for us to look and see inside of ourselves.
Post in here Kittyboo! I check in here obsessively...lol I'm AVAILABLE to write back!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Looking at how I feel about not smoking right now, is so close to stories from those who still miss their A despite all they have been thru.
At the beginning it was darn near a constant, in my head "I want/need a fag".
Now it comes more as a reaction to what I am doing at the time. Much like going somewhere you have been with an ex, and up comes the "I wish" bits.
I guess over all the years, my hands and mind have grown to associate this action and that one with rolling, lighting or smoking a cigarette, so as I park myself at the computer I get the feeling that I am missing something.....the ciggies.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were patches, gum, lozenges etc to takeaway the craving for the X's in our lives? To get us thru those first bad, "miss you like hell" feelings, over the hump of misery......til we felt able to cope with the steps for ourselves.
Wonder how many varieties and strengths would need to be available. Hmmmmm!!
God bless
At the beginning it was darn near a constant, in my head "I want/need a fag".
Now it comes more as a reaction to what I am doing at the time. Much like going somewhere you have been with an ex, and up comes the "I wish" bits.
I guess over all the years, my hands and mind have grown to associate this action and that one with rolling, lighting or smoking a cigarette, so as I park myself at the computer I get the feeling that I am missing something.....the ciggies.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were patches, gum, lozenges etc to takeaway the craving for the X's in our lives? To get us thru those first bad, "miss you like hell" feelings, over the hump of misery......til we felt able to cope with the steps for ourselves.
Wonder how many varieties and strengths would need to be available. Hmmmmm!!
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Anvil - WOW!! Boy does that some a lot up. Jeez, both of my parents are emotionally unavailable people. I've noticed that in my life most, if not all of the men I have been drawn to have been emotionally unavailable in one way or another. Not only the men, but even a couple of my past close "best friendships".... one in particular with a girl who is just an incredibly emotionally unavailable person. She would always shut down on me when I needed her to really be a friend....but I was always there for her.
Hmmmmmmm! Needless to say, she is no longer a part of my life.
My XA was emotionally unavailable about the 2nd month we started talking. Of course, I gave him the excuse of having ptsd. I knew that emotional unavailability was part of that package....and still I didn't RUN AWAY....I RAN TOO! And ran too as fast as I could.
Knock me over the head with a hammer!
Psychologically it all makes perfect sense. And I am so conditioned to feeling this way. Yes, he was my drug. This is withdrawal. It sucks!! He is so incredibly toxic for me, yet, I crave him.
MaryGoRound-
You're so sweet! I don't feel like I've come that far. I feel like I should be over this. I feel like he was sooooo bad to me that I should be so far past wallowing in sorrow right now, that I couldn't see wallowing with a high definition telescope! But here I am, still getting teary.
Everything I would get mad at A for, (mostly being unavailable) was exactly what I was doing! But of course, I didn't realize this and I thought I was so much better at communicating. And I definitely had a holier-than-thou power trip thing goin' too
You know this is so true! I can be emotionally unavailable myself. But I was ALWAYS available to him. I too held myself on pedistal with my communication skills with him.
Ok, I am going to say something that I feel is awful! It's really a thought that I had.... as I have been trying to disect what it was about him that I "loved" so much...
and you know what, he had more issues than I did. There I said it! I felt like I had it more together than he did! In a sense I did and do! But as soon as he "rejected" me, I fell apart faster than I could even fathom.
There is no doubt that I am hurt because I did share so much of myself with him, the things about myself that hurt the most. I trusted him. There was betrayal.
But this has really consumed me. I put so much faith in him being "the one" that losing that has been crushing.
Jadmack-
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were patches, gum, lozenges etc to takeaway the craving for the X's in our lives? To get us thru those first bad, "miss you like hell" feelings, over the hump of misery......til we felt able to cope with the steps for ourselves.
Start working on that patent!!! We would be rich I tell you....these would sell like hotcakes!
Thanks guys!
Hmmmmmmm! Needless to say, she is no longer a part of my life.
My XA was emotionally unavailable about the 2nd month we started talking. Of course, I gave him the excuse of having ptsd. I knew that emotional unavailability was part of that package....and still I didn't RUN AWAY....I RAN TOO! And ran too as fast as I could.
Knock me over the head with a hammer!
Psychologically it all makes perfect sense. And I am so conditioned to feeling this way. Yes, he was my drug. This is withdrawal. It sucks!! He is so incredibly toxic for me, yet, I crave him.
MaryGoRound-
You're so sweet! I don't feel like I've come that far. I feel like I should be over this. I feel like he was sooooo bad to me that I should be so far past wallowing in sorrow right now, that I couldn't see wallowing with a high definition telescope! But here I am, still getting teary.
Everything I would get mad at A for, (mostly being unavailable) was exactly what I was doing! But of course, I didn't realize this and I thought I was so much better at communicating. And I definitely had a holier-than-thou power trip thing goin' too
You know this is so true! I can be emotionally unavailable myself. But I was ALWAYS available to him. I too held myself on pedistal with my communication skills with him.
Ok, I am going to say something that I feel is awful! It's really a thought that I had.... as I have been trying to disect what it was about him that I "loved" so much...
and you know what, he had more issues than I did. There I said it! I felt like I had it more together than he did! In a sense I did and do! But as soon as he "rejected" me, I fell apart faster than I could even fathom.
There is no doubt that I am hurt because I did share so much of myself with him, the things about myself that hurt the most. I trusted him. There was betrayal.
But this has really consumed me. I put so much faith in him being "the one" that losing that has been crushing.
Jadmack-
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were patches, gum, lozenges etc to takeaway the craving for the X's in our lives? To get us thru those first bad, "miss you like hell" feelings, over the hump of misery......til we felt able to cope with the steps for ourselves.
Start working on that patent!!! We would be rich I tell you....these would sell like hotcakes!
Thanks guys!
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