nodaybut2day

Ok, as if life weren't complex as it is, I've gotten myself in a bit of a pickle.

I do hope I don't get laughed at by posting this...I feel a bit silly here...so here goes!

Ok, recently, I've been getting back in touch with various friends from university and college, some of whom I had to "get rid of" while being married to XAH, as he controlled the people I hung out with.

In any case, a certain friend of mine--let's call him "Mr. P." and I have been corresponding daily for a while and have been going out for coffee, and various activities for the past two months or so. To be clear, I've been friends with Mr. P. since my unversity days, so at least a decade or so. We had classes together and always enjoyed each other's company. Unfortunately, I had a long standing crush on Mr. P. and stupid me, through our correspondence and outings, I've been getting a bit infatuated with him. Now I've had numerous mental conversations with my brain that have gone something like this:
"Brain, stop thinking silly teenage thoughts."
"Wow, Mr. P. is such a nice normal man and it's so easy to relax and have fun with him.
"You listen to me, Brain. Get your feet back on the ground and slow right down right this minute."
"ok ok, chill out. You win."

I've made a point to keep focusing on myself (going to tango, doing some meditation, going to counselling, journalling, coming to SR, spending time with my little girl) and dealing with the ins and outs of my divorce. I have kept the outings with Mr. P. to a minimum, however we have great fun and good conversations together, so I haven't eliminated them altogether.

So, here's the unfortunate part. This week-end...there was a kiss. :o Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad thing, it was friggin awesome ***BUT*** this isn't at all what I was planning for. In my mind, I was "supposed" to be single for a few years or forever...To be honest, I'd been so burned emotionally by XAH that I thought I'd just never be with anyone else...I didn't think I have the capacity or that anyone would "want me" (you know, post-baby body and all). I could live with that, just as I had accepted--while married to XAH, that I would never be happy, that I would never be loved or appreciated or have a good partner.

In any case, I've told Mr. P. all my concerns and have stated that as much as I'm very interested/attracted, I have too much on my plate right now to get involved. I still love hanging out with him and would like to continue at this pace or slower should other things arise, but I made it clear that I need some time.

All these events have gotten me thinking about my codependent habits and relationships. Prior to this, I hadn't thought that I'd ever be "practicing" my new skills in a romantic relationship. Now, whether or not things go further with Mr. P is moot...my question is this:

What have been the experiences of those people who were clearly codependent, and involved with an alcoholic or an addict, and who later on had other relationships? Bad? Good? Disastrous?
How does one have a healthy relationship when there are so many past toxic patterns already in place?

The only answer that comes to mind is to keep focusing on developping a strnog healthy relationship with the self, but aside from that, I'm stumped.

Ok, I'm done now. Anyone want to laugh at me?

FindingPeace1

Ohhh, that first kiss!

I admit, I have little experience with staying out of relationships (even when I should). I DO know that I use new relationships...let me rephrase that...I have used new relationships (in the past) to avoid dealing with my feelings of aloneness/fear/sadness/whatever.

I would not be able to see someone casually that I was attracted to like that - but that's just me. I would hazard a guess that great strength you would derive from kindly avoiding someone (or seeing them without furthering the relationship - if you have that superpower!) would be awesome. The personal work it would take to FEEL the feelings and wants and MANAGE them so that you might continue to deal with your current relationship ending would, I would think, be really beneficial...and painful...and beneficial...LOL!

Good luck!

Serenebynow

Wow, I am an acoa, attend alanon mtgs, and I have to be here. I set myself up most of my life. What I think is if I'm not working on myself, it's because I'm slacking off on mtgs., or steps etc. I started seeing a therapist( couples counseling, but he won't go, so I am, and I notice when I skip my meetings, I lose my progress. I need you people to help remind me of the easiest things on a daily basis! Don't laugh. Little things like detachment, live and let live, and this sign on the wall of my home group, hope is found here.
How old are you? Have you had many Healthy relationships? I'm 48 and I've had too many dis fun ctional ones. It's because of that pain I found hope. I would like to invite you to attend alanon, naranon, or whichever support group u can. My home group suggests 6 meetings before making a choice of whether alanon is for you. Some of the oldtimers say, if it is... Keep coming back. If it isn't we'll gladly refund your misery.
Ok off of my soapbox!

Gold

Oh Noday....
I have no answer to this. As posted elsewhere creating healthy relationships in the future is one of my goals but I know I am no way near ready for that.

Are you getting any warning signs from him?
That is.. does he have any issue or problems that need solving that may tempt codie behaviour to step in and "help" him?

The kiss sounds yummy

nodaybut2day

Gold...this is the thing...there's not anything that my mind can latch on to "fix" in this man. Sure, in the beginning, my brain always tries to "give unwarranted advice" to people, but I've made a great effort to stop this habit, both for my friends and for Mr. P.

Aside from that, he's a full-time high school English teacher and has been since we both graduated. He's also a talented sax player who has his own band and has been pumping out rather original acid jazz music since I've known him. He's got strong family values and a great relationship with his mother and sister. Communication with him is easy-peasy. Funny. Patient. Open-minded. Writes beautifully. Very spiritual. Attractive. Ok, very hot and what a kisser!

See why I'm suspicious?! I've been around toxicity for so long I'm not really used to this kind of person...

In any case, not thinking about him in *that* way. Focusing on me. Me. Me. Me.

coffeedrinker

ditto.

this is my little story:

i broke up with abf last summer. i jumped right into dating, not wanting a new relationship, but just wanting to extricate myself and tired of being in pain 24/7. so i meet with one nice but boring man after another. ("oh my gosh, she said to herself, it's true! i only 'like' addicts!!) then, matthew walks in the door of the coffee shop and i already know i like him. we went out and had a very nice kiss at the end of night. then had fun phone conversations. we went out a second time, had a really good time and with that night's kisses, he seemed a little .... insistent? a little more.....physical. not in an overtly pressure-y way, but i felt that this man was a physical and expressive guy and i was so flippin scared, i called him a week later and told him i couldn't see him again. that's only part of what scared me. i also was so afraid that he was an alcoholic because, remember, i only go for addicts. i was too afraid to take the chance that i would really start liking him, and then find out he was an alcoholic after i was in the thing.

now that i wrote that i realize that it's not gonna help you one single bit. i was just writing an experience story in response to your post. oh well, i don't know what to tell you cuz you didn't really ask for advice. even though i don't follow my own rules, i think you're supposed to wait longer.

wanting

I don't mean to be all, "You're healed!" or anything, but you seem like you have your $hit together pretty well. Reading your other thread, you don't even care that your X is seeing someone else, and don't care whether he was seeing her before you separated. You're also taking healthy steps for you and your daughter, and are actively examining yourself! I dunno, you seem strong, and I won't be that worried for you if you decide to date this guy.

Learn2Live

Noday, quit worrying. Theres nothing wrong with you that you cant or shouldnt enjoy someone elses company. Its life; live it! Have fun! Just make sure you dont lose focus. Spend time alone, spend time with friends and family, etc

DesertEyes

nope, not me. Cuz I did the same thing.

All of the above?

I was all of 6 months into al-anon. Crying my foolish heart out every meeting over my ex. Charming young red-head across the al-anon table is crying her own heart over her ex. One fine day I asked her out for coffee. She yelled at me and cussed at me for even thinking she'd be ready to go out with a man so soon... and then said yes.

We'd have coffee, talk about the weather, talk about our pets, then start crying about our ex-es in the middle of starbucks, hand each other hankies, and then .... um.... well I'll keep it G-rated.

Man, what a mess we were. I can't think of a _worse_ time in my life to even be going out with anybody. But I did. We did. We did the pull-you, push-you, back and forth twice a week for over a year. In the end I realized I certainly _could_ have done better, but that's where I was in my emotional life and that's what I did.

Today she's one of my best friends. She's been dating a really nice guy for a couple years and is happy as a lark. I see her maybe once or twice a year and we just stare at each other and ask "Did we really do that?"

I'm learning how to have a healthy relationship the same way I learned how to have a toxic one; One day at a time. I've been dating another charming young lady for 3 years now. We're taking it _very_ slow cuz neither one of us is the model of "relationship health". So far it's working great. 'course it helps that we both do our 12 step recovery religiously and hang close to our sponsors and friends.

I have a small group of married couples I stay close to. I see how _they_ work their relationships. They've all been maried 20+ years so they must be doing _something_ right I take the 12 traditions of al-anon and use those as my "owners manual" for my relationship. And I do what you just did, take my questions to my sponsor and my friends.

I can't imagine how _any_ relationship could ever be easy. Even for those "earth people" who don't have a dysfunctional bone in their body. Sure isn't easy for me. From what you shared, it sounds to me like you're doing better than I did

Mike

Learn2Live

Awesome post Mike, thanks for the share.