Elsie

Ugh

The past couple days I've found myself actually MISSING him.
Something funny would happen and I know what his reaction would've been and it makes me smile then feel sad.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I think it's going to really hit me this Friday. He's supposed to come here and pick up our son to have him for the weekend.
I'm welling up with tears now just thinking about it.
I really do love him, and he doesn't understand that. Despite what I say he thinks I broke up with him because there's no feeling there.
If I didn't break up with him (and he admitted this) he'd of never gone to AA.

I'm stuck now with those crappy feelings of "He's getting better and trying his best.....someone else is going to reap all the benefits of my hard work, pain and suffering."
I hate feeling this way.

Insulated

someone else isn't going to reap the benefits of all your hard work. HE'S doing the work, and maybe will be successful and avoid relapse for the rest of his life. You'll benefit in the long run because your pain and suffering will bring about growth, knowledge and wisdom...

Elsie

I hear ya, but he's doing the work because I chose to end it with him. So, my pain leads to his sobriety leads to him moving on with someone else and I'm left alone.

I know what I'm feeling is normal, but it really, really sucks.

Pelican

How long has he been sober and how long has he been working on his recovery?

IamSaved

Elsie...

I know exactly how you feel.

:ghug3

Remember that he must get better for HIM, not for you or anyone else. His recovery is his own. And as far as someone else 'reaping' the benefits? I understand that logic, but he has a long way to go before anyone reaps any benefit from his sobriety. He needs to reap the benefits first, and get well before anyone else will be able to see him as a sober person.

Focus on YOU, and not on HIM. He has a long road, but so do you. Take care of you, and your child. Do things you love and enjoy, and pretty soon, it won't matter that he is getting fixed for someone else. Hard to believe, but you won't even care, and you will heave a huge sigh of relief that the madness and chaos that he caused is no longer a part of your life. Whether his is fixed or not!

Peace!

Elsie

He had started at the beginning of this year. Then mid Febrary he told me he had actually drank on several occassions while telling me he was sober and had quit.
I then broke up with him.
He went to an AA metting, is working the steps now, and is on day 14 today.

I know, it's a drop in the bucket. Actually, not even a whole drop in the bucket. But, it's a start.

Pelican

So you would rather have someone you care about spend their life chained to a bottle and a lifetime of despair, if you are not there reap the benefits of sobriety?

Pelican

Elsie,
My AXH got sober during our divorce process. He celebrates 11 months this month. I can think of three major benefits in my life because he is still sober:

Child support
Alimony
Friendship

He is a better father, ex-husband and still considered my friend because he is taking better care of himself. It is a win-win situation for him, myself and the children.

Elsie

I don't know if it's stress or denial but I've read that over a few times and I don't understand what you're saying.

Pelican

I think Anvil said what I was trying to say.

You wanted him to get sober right? Now he is sober.

I will echo what Anvil asked: What are you doing to take care of yourself these few weeks?

I want to invite you to join us (your recovery family) on the reading of Codependent No More. We are starting with Chapter One later today.

Here's the link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-no-more.html