iwantcontrol

I didn’t post much last week but just wanted to share what’s been happening. It was a mixed week really – I knew he had drunk something every day (although less than previously) but I wasn’t in a state about it. I guess I just accepted it and more or less got on with my day. It still bothered me but I was able to accept it was happening no matter what I did or didn’t do.

We had a brief chat about things when he was sober and he admitted he doesn’t know whether his plan is to give up alcohol completely or just to cut out the being drunk during the day etc. I told him that I don’t like him when he’s been drinking (even a little alcohol, although when we have drunk together in the past he was OK), and that he is not a very nice person. He made a promise that he won’t drink before he is seeing me anymore. I’m taking that with a pinch of salt as I’m pretty sure he’s said it before. I’ll have to wait and see what happens this week.

I feel like we are in limbo right now – things are strange. On a ‘me’ front, I feel I’m doing much better and am spending more time and energy on doing things I want and need to do. I am trying to make it so that I feel that he can either fit in with me and my life, or he can choose not to. That may be too selfish on my part but it’s what I feel I need to do at the moment. His life may still be quite unmanageable but I feel I’m getting some control over mine and I like it. I still have issues I need to work on and things in my personal life i need to sort out, but overall I’m doing well. I refuse to let him and his addiction drag me back down to how I was a few months ago. I can’t do that again.

I’m hoping his efforts at sorting his life out are more than just a flash in the pan, and he is going to get there, but I can’t bank on it and I can’t sit around waiting to see whether he succeeds or fails. I’m staying with him because I love him, and I hope he achieves what he needs to but I can’t do it for him. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m not out of the woods at all and I know I’ll still have bad days where I’m obsessing about things but I’m improving. A lot of that is down to this forum and the helpful responses I’ve had – thanks everyone.

Lotus2009

yay for keeping the focus on yourself... keep moving forward!!!
I know how hard it was for me at the beginning to keep the focus on myself - HA, who am I kidding, it still is at times, but it has gotten a lot easier and I now recognize when I'm drifting into codie thinking (at least most of the time).