Codependant No More
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependant No More
Not me silly, the book. ;-)
Anyway, I'm back - Surprise, surprise. Just as messed up as before, just a little wiser. It was suggested that I read the book 'Codependant No More' by Melodie Beatty. It was suggested today - And, I got it today (score one for taking action). Anyway, thought I'd ramble in a thread as it was also suggested today that I journal - I like forums rather than journaling, because in a journal, nobody's around to call me out on my crap when needed (score two for taking action). It was suggested today that I go to an Alanon meeting as soon as possible. So, I'm going at 7:30 (score three for taking action). I got me an Alanon sponsor today, hence the suggestions (score four for taking action).
Looking at all my scores up there for the day. I might be maybe a little too ambitious. But, what the hell, it's good for me. :-)
The book made me smile a "Oh, my god smile". The title is one thing, it's the subtitle that got me: "How to Stop Controlling Others and Care for Yourself" The book is completely about ME (cause it's all about me anyway, ya know). :-)
Flipping through the book, I found the pages listing codependants traits. There's 10 friggin pages of them, in 10pt font!! So, going down the list it was like: Yep, got that one, yep got that too - so on. Now, to be fair. Everybreathing person in the universe can find traits in here. So, I'm not all wigged that I'm really, really, messed up. It's nice to know that there's a name to this thing.
Okay, I want to reprint a story that was in the book. It's a fable of sorts and being such, does not infringe on any copywrite laws:
(Yay for google, don't need to type it)
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study. Every morning, he asked her the same question; "Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning her answer was the same; "No," she said, "I haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know." "How's that?" the woman asked. "You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "
Okay, I had an awsome meeting last night after going out to dinner with girlfriends. I had to get dragged out 'cause I didn't want to go anywhere. (I hurt someone I really care about). I'm listening to top 40 dance music - Had us all going. I highly recommend you try it. Gotta turn it up to get the full effct. ;-) I'm a rock girl, but a change up is good. Country Music? = Bad
Oh, the husband - Gone! That's as far as a done deal as far as I go. I'm able to do this without feeling like "I'm giving up" or that I'm "selfish". Two things that have really held me back.
So, anyone who has the book. and would like to join me. I'll be starting chapter one tomorrow. And will come in here to "journal" ;-)
Thanks!
Anyway, I'm back - Surprise, surprise. Just as messed up as before, just a little wiser. It was suggested that I read the book 'Codependant No More' by Melodie Beatty. It was suggested today - And, I got it today (score one for taking action). Anyway, thought I'd ramble in a thread as it was also suggested today that I journal - I like forums rather than journaling, because in a journal, nobody's around to call me out on my crap when needed (score two for taking action). It was suggested today that I go to an Alanon meeting as soon as possible. So, I'm going at 7:30 (score three for taking action). I got me an Alanon sponsor today, hence the suggestions (score four for taking action).
Looking at all my scores up there for the day. I might be maybe a little too ambitious. But, what the hell, it's good for me. :-)
The book made me smile a "Oh, my god smile". The title is one thing, it's the subtitle that got me: "How to Stop Controlling Others and Care for Yourself" The book is completely about ME (cause it's all about me anyway, ya know). :-)
Flipping through the book, I found the pages listing codependants traits. There's 10 friggin pages of them, in 10pt font!! So, going down the list it was like: Yep, got that one, yep got that too - so on. Now, to be fair. Everybreathing person in the universe can find traits in here. So, I'm not all wigged that I'm really, really, messed up. It's nice to know that there's a name to this thing.
Okay, I want to reprint a story that was in the book. It's a fable of sorts and being such, does not infringe on any copywrite laws:
(Yay for google, don't need to type it)
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so that she could study. Every morning, he asked her the same question; "Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning her answer was the same; "No," she said, "I haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with the cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same questions, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know." "How's that?" the woman asked. "You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "
Okay, I had an awsome meeting last night after going out to dinner with girlfriends. I had to get dragged out 'cause I didn't want to go anywhere. (I hurt someone I really care about). I'm listening to top 40 dance music - Had us all going. I highly recommend you try it. Gotta turn it up to get the full effct. ;-) I'm a rock girl, but a change up is good. Country Music? = Bad
Oh, the husband - Gone! That's as far as a done deal as far as I go. I'm able to do this without feeling like "I'm giving up" or that I'm "selfish". Two things that have really held me back.
So, anyone who has the book. and would like to join me. I'll be starting chapter one tomorrow. And will come in here to "journal" ;-)
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
so glad to "hear" from you!! yep, you're ambitious, but that's the way it is, isn't it, when we wish to embrace something? and this isn't just any something, it's a big, giant, life-changing something. so, good for you and those points are just gonna keep racking up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain. "
so glad you're back! i will get the book tomorrow. PAYDAY!
The book is completely about ME (cause it's all about me anyway, ya know). :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I found out I was a codie long before my addiction surfaced, too. I think I was BORN one, and when I couldn't control everyone and everything, I turned to substances to drown out the pain, but that's just me.
The good news is, when I started working on the codie in me, life started making more sense and my addiction recovery has been much smoother. Life still has it's ups and downs, many, many challenges, but now that I'm focused more on me, less on everyone else.....oh, I just seem to have a lot more to be grateful for
Things that were probably always there, I was just too distracted to notice.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The good news is, when I started working on the codie in me, life started making more sense and my addiction recovery has been much smoother. Life still has it's ups and downs, many, many challenges, but now that I'm focused more on me, less on everyone else.....oh, I just seem to have a lot more to be grateful for
Things that were probably always there, I was just too distracted to notice.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 58
I just got the book yesterday and I am glad you said something about the traits becausing I had so many 2's I went over and over it to make sure I was being honest! I have not gotten to the chapters where I learn what they mean but I guess I have a lot of work to do!
And yes, I truly feel the book was written about me!! LOL
And yes, I truly feel the book was written about me!! LOL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear alizerin, welcome back.
WOWEE......WHAT A BIG ENTRANCE YOU MADE.
Let's see....you have....bought Co-dependent No More.
Started to journal.
Going to an Alanon meeting tonight.
Got yourself a Sponsor.
And thus endeth the first day:
Think I will join you on this trip, as I feel it will be a doozy.
Well done
God bless
WOWEE......WHAT A BIG ENTRANCE YOU MADE.
Let's see....you have....bought Co-dependent No More.
Started to journal.
Going to an Alanon meeting tonight.
Got yourself a Sponsor.
And thus endeth the first day:
Think I will join you on this trip, as I feel it will be a doozy.
Well done
God bless
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Wow, everyone's awsome!
I did not make the meeting, the Alanon meeting is in the same place as the AA meeting. So, I hitched a ride with an AA friend. Who picked me up in tears. So, I nixed the Alanon meeting and we went to another friends house and had dinner (the lady can cook, well worth it)!
I think that was fine. Better probably even. My mind was tired today. I dropped my sister off at the grocery store, then went to the bookstore - then FORGOT what store I dropped her off at for a good five minutes <yikes> So, I'm mellowed this evening. :-)
Okay, so I figure I'll highlight the codependency book so that when I come to talk about it I can do so without missing any key points that resonate. Then come in here in the evening to spray my stuff. ;-)
Glad some of you are up for the challenge also!
I did not make the meeting, the Alanon meeting is in the same place as the AA meeting. So, I hitched a ride with an AA friend. Who picked me up in tears. So, I nixed the Alanon meeting and we went to another friends house and had dinner (the lady can cook, well worth it)!
I think that was fine. Better probably even. My mind was tired today. I dropped my sister off at the grocery store, then went to the bookstore - then FORGOT what store I dropped her off at for a good five minutes <yikes> So, I'm mellowed this evening. :-)
Okay, so I figure I'll highlight the codependency book so that when I come to talk about it I can do so without missing any key points that resonate. Then come in here in the evening to spray my stuff. ;-)
Glad some of you are up for the challenge also!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
when I bought my FIRST copy of Codie No More, I went crazy with the highlighter, but I was not ready to "hear" what Melody was saying. I thought it was a great book, read it over and over, and actually wore it out! Unfortunately, I also stayed with XABF#1...went on to find XABF#2 and #3, developing my own addiction along the way.
YOU, on the other hand, are miles ahead of where I was when I got the book You've already made some great steps and are willing to listen to those who have "been there". I might have saved a couple decades of heartache, had I listened, but then again, who knows? I'm comfy where I am, so maybe I was meant to walk the path I did.
I can't wait to read your "journal...I love your sense of humor
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
YOU, on the other hand, are miles ahead of where I was when I got the book
You've already made some great steps and are willing to listen to those who have "been there". I might have saved a couple decades of heartache, had I listened, but then again, who knows? I'm comfy where I am, so maybe I was meant to walk the path I did.I can't wait to read your "journal...I love your sense of humor
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
It's a great book, I recently found it again (I used to hide reading it when I lived with AH). I love Ms beattie for her compassion and insight and way with words. I love that she was an addict who could not stand those pesky codependents and then "became" one herself, so she sees both sides of the fence with humour and empathy. I love that she can write in the first person, that she came through it, everyone should, IMO, (LOL) get this book.
There are so many good bits but this is the one that first hooked me and it was the emphasis and repetitiion in the last line, she "knew" I needed this drummed into my head.
I hope it's okay to copy out this one bit, if it infringes copyright or is against forum rules, I understand and welcome the post being pulled from the thread.
"People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if only they’d listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER."
M.Beattie "Co-dependent no more, Hazelden Publishing 1992
There are so many good bits but this is the one that first hooked me and it was the emphasis and repetitiion in the last line, she "knew" I needed this drummed into my head.
I hope it's okay to copy out this one bit, if it infringes copyright or is against forum rules, I understand and welcome the post being pulled from the thread.
"People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if only they’d listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER."
M.Beattie "Co-dependent no more, Hazelden Publishing 1992
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by JenT1968 
"People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if only they’d listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER."
M.Beattie "Co-dependent no more, Hazelden Publishing 1992
M.Beattie "Co-dependent no more, Hazelden Publishing 1992
Yes, this is just awesome. I would suggest for someone who does not yet have her classic, that they get the new release - apparently it's a little "fresher" than the over-20-year-old original.
I actually appreciated Melody's book "Playing it by Heart" more than any of her other publications I have read. Although, I would not recommend it for a "newbie" it really spoke to me and I devoured it in a long camping weekend.
This one that Alizerin's going to start is gonna be a great thread!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Reading Codependent No More
I will join you in reading Codependent No More. It is one of my favorite recovery books.
I re-read the Introduction and Chapter One last night (with my highlighter). I won't post any spoiler information for those still reading today.
I did want to post these two sentences that Melody uses to describe the book:
"This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility: taking care of yourself. It's about what you can do to start feeling better"
Happy reading everyone!
I re-read the Introduction and Chapter One last night (with my highlighter). I won't post any spoiler information for those still reading today.
I did want to post these two sentences that Melody uses to describe the book:
"This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility: taking care of yourself. It's about what you can do to start feeling better"
Happy reading everyone!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
