JuneBug

Are they really that blind that they can't see what is infront of them or do they just choose to see what they want.....so for instance......I am still here so he believes everything is fine now...........he just made a comment to me after seeing something in tv..."everyone has their ups and downs in relationships and if they dont its not a real relationship."...then he said.."I know whats wrong with me, were not sleeping in the same bed.".....yeah cuz thats the problem.
He says to me.....ive been really good lately no bugging you, not teasing you, not asking for anything.............woohoo let me through a party!
maybe its because today I have the flu so I am extra senstive to what he says but I feel like that was a hook and now I am hooked in again and I didn't even do anything or say anything............he was taking the dog for a walk and asked if i wanted to go he said i know you dont feel well but I had to ask...then he goes.......if you were well would you go?.........i shrugged my shoulders.........then he goes....thats what i wanted at least it wasnt a no..and then he pranced off all proud and happy...so am I just stupid again or is that a hook? Does he really believe things are ok???

tchappy

The only thing I can think of is YES they are blind. I found with my ex ABF that as long as I was still around or allowed him to be around he thought things were ok. They may not have been good at the time but in his mind we were still in each others lives at least.

I heard the same thing from mine..." all relationships have their ups and downs" " we can work through this" But, the key was he was not working on it all he was working on was his addiction. I was doing all the feeling and emotions for both of us.

Not sure if that helped, but just wanted to let you know NO you are not stupid. It was a hook possibly.

JuneBug

As soon as I read your post it became clear! Thank you so much!
He does think everything is clear because in his mind he thinks just like yours did that as long as he gives me space to think, space to figure it out that I will evetually come to "MY" senses. But in reality the only one doing the work at figuring things out is me. The only thing he is working on is telling me how close March 31st is and what he's going to do after that...........hmmmmm well thats funny cuz I didn't know he was physic and could tell the future!!

suki44883

What's the significance of March 31st? Did I miss something?

I say this as gently as possible, but, could it be he thinks things are fine because he hasn't had to face consequences for his actions? What boundaries have you set in place and then enforced? Is the fact that you are sleeping apart the only consequence for his actions?

These questions aren't necessarily meant to be answered here, but just some things for you to think about.

BayAreaPhoenix

Blind? Not sure. Denial and minimizing and trying to convince you "it's really not that bad"... That's what it was for me. which amounts to crazy making. Mine too could be "kind" and step up if I was sick, take the dog for a walk, once in a while want to go with me... but, somehow it was never like we were together even when we were.

There's an old old thread from me while I was in the midst of getting a divorce. My XAH reached out to me by asking me to fold his shirts for him to go on a trip. In his mind, he was being "nice", asking me to do something for him!!!! And, you know what? For a second, it did make me stop and think... why was I being such a b**ch? Here he is trying to be nice and I'm begruding him folding his shirts! Well, that thought didn't last too long, and we all got a great chuckle out of this magnanimous gesture on his part - he was really working and reaching out ... what in the world was he thinking? I have no idea...

I (and a lot of us) could go on and on with stories that made no sense, minimized the issues in our relationships, denied the issues, etc. All it did to me was make me feel numb, crazy and confused. Glad you're here checking in and getting some feedback so you can know you are not crazy or confused - you know what you know!

Hope you feel better soon!

coffeedrinker

that's a hard one to answer, imo.

it's like there are levels of understanding. my abf just told me a story the other day about a time when i walking into the bathroom when he was using in my house. he said it was like i developed this sixth sense about when he was using, just walked in at the right time to mess it up. that was a moment that stands out in his mind that he just wanted to surrender. (he didn't however, for another two months)

the point is that, even when he was high on klonopins, there was an awareness. but on the other hand, he lied to my face about being clean and sober for the three months prior. he knew he wasn't clean, but it's like he thought maybe i didn't know....would believe him....i'm not even sure cuz it was so ridiculous.

my ex-husband said when he got sober that deep inside, he always knew. a lot of (all?) addicts say that.

the denial thing is so strange. i don't think we can truly understand unless we have walked in those shoes.

Chino

When I printed out and showed "what addicts do" to my therapist, he said he'd add one thing: "I believe everything I say."

Denial is powerful. Look at all of us.

JuneBug

Thanks you guys!
Thank you Chino for the quote that is posted in your response "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I just wrote that on a piece of paper and am going to carry it with me along with what your therapist said "I believe everything I say"...........I see that now, its not that he knows hes hurting me, or cares or can admit anything its the simple fact that he truly believes everything he says.....I need to keep that in the fore front of my mind whenever he says anything. I need to stop trying to figure out everything he says because it doesn't matter anyway because he believes what he says.....its up to me whether I choose to believe him or not.

Chino

I read that quote years ago at the bank, it was a daily proverb desk calendar. I fell in love with it because of the word play and enough so that I wrote it down. My world was perfect back then so it didn't speak to me the way it does now. I put that scrap of paper away and then found it about a year ago, I guess. It spoke to me that time because I needed change and was ready for it. It was a classic aha! moment.

I have to think that you're ready for positive change too, because it spoke to you

cessy68

Yep.

And Yep again.... but there is a little sidebar to that.

They kinda, in my opinion, know there is something not quite right, BUT, it's o.k. (so-to-speak) because you ARE still there. It's something.

My abf, (and others here i've noticed), have a tendency to be a bit narccisstic, (sp)..... when you push em away, they come back stronger. It's very manipulative, and keeps us trapped. (If we allow it,because it's not real easy to see).

Because in all honesty, WE, want it to be o.k. deep down inside-- or WE wouldn't be here..... would we?

Food for thought......
Love,
Cess

JuneBug

Your are exactly right. Why would he think anything different I am still here. Before when things when bad, I just pushed ahead, made more excuses for him and made it better for him and I found a way to live with myself after I did that. so why would he think any different. I should have left 2 weeks ago when everything blew right up and I came back because I felt guilty and I felt like and still feel like I am the one hurting him by leaving. Its sort of like a trap he set in a nice way......at first when I said I want to be seperated he agreed and asked if he could stay until he went to rehab and I said yes, when I should have said no but when the conversation took place I felt like i was the one causing problems so I was trying to do whatever I could to settle the wave and then in a very calm voice he says if it doesn't work out then I will go to my brothers until rehab and you can get yourself together just give me the word and Ill go........he knows I won't tell him to leave so theres the trap. At first it was ok I guess but now i see the longer it goes like this the more it feels like I wont have any reason to leave and just wanting to leave isnt a good enough reason to end it. Then on the flip side I was waiting until he was in rehab to tell him because then I would have had time by myself to think and then he would be far enough away from me where I couldnt fall into anymore traps or emotional manipulations and then he would be in a place where he could digest what I want before he leaves.