Dealing with Addicted Husband. Advice...Support...Anything

Old 02-28-2010, 09:42 AM
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Dealing with Addicted Husband. Advice...Support...Anything

Never did I think I'd be writing on a forum about this...but here I am. These things don't happen to me...I'm young, successful, an achiever...but it did...and I feel stuck. So confused and don't know what to do or where to turn.
My Story:
I dated my husband a year and a half, we had a quick engagement, and were married 6 months afterwards. We never lived together prior our marriage...so the day our honeymoon ended...my life changed drastically...I quickly learned things I hadn't know. We had an amazing honeymoon at an all inclusive resort...but they party ended for me when we returned. I started work again, came home to cook and clean and do those "wife" things...while my husband continued to drink huge quantities of alcohol...day and and night. At first I thought he was just having some wine or beers with dinner...but soon after I realized, he wasn't coming to be at all hours of the evening...instead he stayed up drinking. I began finding empty bottles of vodka hidden around the house. When confronted, he lied saying they were old and probably just stuck in bags from the move. He's angry quickly progressed each night as we would get into verbal and physical battles as he tried stealing my purse to take cash or credit cards. I left many evenings...scared...for me..and him. Neighbors had called cops from screams...he had to be taken to the ER from falling and hurting himself...the scenes were worse than I could even describe. I was embarassed for where I was...for where he was. I tried dealing with it myself...but it just got worse. I finally worked up the courage to involve his family and mine 3 months into it all. We got him into a detox center...he came out and didn't complete the outpatient program...ending him back into detox a month later. He is presently in the out patient program. There was 1 time he even went drunk and he was asked to leave...he lied to me of course and had a friend get him. Other times he called and told them I was sick and couldnt give him a ride...etc. Because those were the nights he knew he was too messed up to go. No matter how much I call him and tell him I'm bringing him and supporting him...he finds excuses. I feel like I gained a bad child whom I can't control, no matter what! I recently purchased a breathelizer for the home...telling him he is not permitted her intoxicated. Well...he stopped drinking...but then I was find scripts for xanex, vicodine, etc...it doesn't end! There were nights he hasn't come home...or has in the middle of the night...falling all over the place, destroying our home...even carrying a knife sharpener saying "it's coming to get you"...laughing...thinking it's funny. I'm assuming he was hallucinating or I don't know...I was scared and got the hell out.
I've tried supporting him. I've tried kicking him out. I tried loving him. I tried hating him. He's gotten support from both families...and still has not helped himself. After the last incident, I threw him out...of course he calls and sends cards saying how much he loves me and is going to change...but it's been 6 months of hell...with not even 1 week straight of happiness. I'm done. I fear each day...not knowing what it will bring...not knowing what I will walk into or what will come home. The lies are killing me...he talks to me and tries to make me feel like I'm the crazy one. While I love him sober...I fear and hate him intoxicated. I feel like I can't do anymore...I want out...but I don't know if it's right. I feel ridicule from people...how our marriage ended so quickly...or that I didn't try to help...when I have...they haven't lived what I've lived. I'm miserable and confused...sadly the only reasons I can see to work this marriage out is to save face to all the people who will talk sh*t and for the couple of days out of a week that he's sober...but even those days I'm constantly on edge. Every day I feel like an investigator...I don't want to live like that. Am I a bad person for that? Have I not done everything I should or could? Should I try one more time? Should I just go through with a divorce? Any advice is appreciated.
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Old 02-28-2010, 09:57 AM
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Welcome to this site. Yes, you found this for a reason. Most of us will tell you that it is not our place to advise you to divorce your husband. But, all of us will tell you that his affliction, his "disease" is one that is known to be progressive. This is what I see in your post:

* you said "I'm done"
* you said "I fear each day"
* you said "the lies are killing me"
* you said "I feel like I can't do this anymore...I want out

but also said you don't know if it's right. Let's think about that piece - what about you getting out would not be right? There could be a lot of answers; just wondering what yours is.

Your husband clearly does not wish to get sober. I hear him shouting it from the rooftops. You can lead a horse to water, but, as you are experiencing, cannot make him drink.
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:01 AM
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Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie (codependent) - I have loved ones who are active or recovering addicts.

One thing we stress around here is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. We're speaking of addiction, but I've found the 3 c's work for more than just addiction.

I can't/won't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what helped ME seek recovery the most - my loved ones stepped back and let me fall flat on my face. They essentially said "we love you, but we're not going down with you". I am sure it was the hardest thing they've ever done. As I've struggled to get out of the hole I dug myself into, my family has been very supportive but I had to earn back trust.

I left MY bf because he was still using. I know that love can't cure addiction and he was going to drag me down. I've had to do the same with another loved one, and thanks to the great people here, I've learned that I can go on with my life, no matter what the addict does.

I hope you read around, here, as you will see that you are not alone. As far as what other people think....I wouldn't worry about that. This is YOUR life and you deserve to be happy and serene.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:05 AM
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[I]Should I try one more time?

What exactly are you asking yourself to try?

Try to live with an A who isn't interested in recovery?
Try to live and deal with the dangerous consequences of His addiction?
Try and see if you can just ignore it?
Try to see if you can help fix His problem?
Try to hang on until it magically "goes away"?
Try to see just how far you can go before you break down?
Try to see if you can figure out a way to get Him sober?
Try to see if He realizes how unhappy this is making you?

These are all things that all of us here ask or have asked ourselves. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation....but I'm real happy to hear you are close to making some positive changes in your own life.

We here try to remind ourselves the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE His addiction.
You can't CONTROL His addiction
And you can't CURE his addiction.

The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. You sound like you are in a very unhappy place....so the real question you should be asking yourself is...

"How long can I live like this?"

You came to the right place [COLOR="Teal"]FS[/COLOR
]
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Old 02-28-2010, 10:50 AM
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THANK YOU so much for your support. I know I'm not alone in this...but I feel like I am...so any support I get lifts me up and makes me feel better about the direction I want to go with this.
Thanks for the 3 Cs...while I know I didn't cause it...I often felt as if I could Control and Cure it....but you're all right..I can't....that's in his hands.
I'm sitting here crying...and I wish I knew why. It's just an overwhelming of emotions.

From the bottom of my heart...thank you...your time to respond to me really means a lot.
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Old 02-28-2010, 11:00 AM
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That's what we're all here for...to help each other through a very difficult process.

We F&F are exhausted and overrun with conflicting emotions. It will take you some time to untangle them all...and free yourself from His addiction....but give yourself a break and know that you will get through it. We will help you.

Cry it out...get it out...and know that things will get better....one day at a time.

Read everything you can here. And stay here as long as you need to...we're open 24/7.

((((((( big hug to you )))))))
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:21 PM
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Hi feelingstuck
Welcome, I am new here too and in a place like you, should I give it one more go, its only been a short while, what happens after rehab and he is clean.......what i hav learned from being here is this.....I did do my best.......it is not my fault that he canot see the light, it is not my fault that I reached the end of my rope and now he has decided to get help and thinks I should stay because this time he is serious.....actions speak louder then words this much i know now.......and right now I have to do what is best for me, like you will discover what is best for you but one thing I do want to say....I worried a lot about what my family would think and what his family would think but when I stood back all I can see is none of this is my fault and if they all want to blame me for his condition then they obviously have some issues that they need to look at. I did the best I could for 3 years, I hit my own bottom because of him and now I am trying to re-build my life, you do it for you and no one else.

LOL i need to take my own advice!
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:34 PM
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The first step is to put yourself first. If you can bring yourself to do that ( believe me I know how hard that is to do) then you are on your way to answering all those questions.

If you don't put your happiness first (as selfish as it may seem right now in your mind) you will not be able to make a decision that MOVES you in the right direction. I always put others first and found it very hard to put myself first, but found that it really is not a bad thing to want happiness and a peaceful life for myself. Until I made that decision I was not able to move forward.

You will know when and what you need to do in your own time. My prayers are with you!
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:08 PM
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yep, my late ABF has been reincarnated and is living with you now. You don't have to make any decisions or action plans right away. You're reaching out and that is the first step to you living a better life, one that you deserve. Being a tragic codie....read the book by Melody Beattie. You might need to hide it from your ABF, read it twice if you need to. It's a big help. Maybe get to a meeting, for yourself, a Hospice counselor...

Safe yourself, and if you need a life jacket, keep posting.
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:16 AM
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I also used to be (and still am if I'm honest) concerned with what people and our families would think of my situation, his addiction and our relationship. I just have to remind myself to do what is best for me.

If all those people on the outside just knew a fraction of what went on in your/my house, they would be cheering for you. So let them see it - doing so will make you feel less alone and also is one more step to having him fall on his face.
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:47 AM
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Have you looked into Alanon or Naranon? Give it a try, there you will find face to face people who know what you are going through and tools to help you as you navigate your way..

Sending you a big hug for what your going through. I would'nt wish addiction on my worst enemy.

Hugs,
Teggie
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Old 03-01-2010, 08:59 AM
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Take this to heart...You have to take care of YOU and put everyone else on the back burner. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, because I always thought if I put myself first then I'd be selfish! NOT! I have learned that the only person that I can change and depend on 100% is ME!

Take a deep breath, you dont have to decide everything in one day, but DO make your decisions based on what is best for you and you alone. I realize that if I dont take care of me, nobody else will!

Also, I agree with Teggy, Nar-Anon saved my life and sanity!

Peace to you
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:52 PM
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update:
He's been out of the house for 5 days now. I feel comfort knowing he's not coming home at night raging in like a bat out of hell....or the sick stomach feeling of wondering what is going to happen next. As I keep myself busy, I feel ok. I asked him not to contact me so I can really get my thoughts together. He said we needed to talk it through...I told him I did that for 6 months straight and this time he knew be4hand the next time I was going to have him leave our home and now I want to think about my options by myself. Of course he can't do that (well he's staying out of the house...but he's calling and texting)...evertime I get a text or call I feel bad...like I'm being the mean one now. The more he doesn't contact me...the stronger I feel. I think the longer I have time to myself the stronger I can get and best make my choices for ME. Thanks for the luv!
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:16 PM
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Good for you!!

Just a word of advice - expect him to double up on the efforts to "hook" you back in....they don't like it when we start paying attention to ourselves, when they realize they may very well lose us, (their enablers) and they will try everything in their power to get us back.

Most A's can be on "good behavior" for a while..even if it's just to make you think they've finally "gotten it". Take your time, continue to focus on you and watch his actions from a distance for a good length of time, is my advice. When we are TRULY working recovery, our actions speak loud and clear for the long haul.

Keep taking care of you..it gets better and better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:13 PM
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feelingstuck,

amy wrote an excellent post just above mine here. it might be worth a second read.

it sounds, from your 2nd post, that he knew what the consequences would be if he ______ (whatever was "the next time"). so, he did, and you followed through with what you said would happen.

sooo.....if you cave in to his whiney, nice-guy pleas, it sorta blows your credibility with him, doesn't it?

this separation does not have to be forever, but i would urge you to stay strong, remember why you kicked him out in the first place, and examine whether anything has changed.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:26 AM
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Smile

The best advice I got from my sister.

She said to me: He could come back to you with the most heartfelt apology, hell he may even cry. But you have to ask yourself ONE question ----

What does he have to offer ME at this point in our lives? If you answer that honestly, you will know what to do. It was amazing how that simple question helped me in SO many ways. Do you have children?

--Lady

================================================== ================================================== ================

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-author unknown
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:46 AM
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Ladyhawke is so right. Only YOU can take care of YOU. It is perfectly okay for you to put yourself and your needs before his. If he is going to choose this path of destruction, you do not have to walk it with him. You have choices too. No contact is a great idea for clearing your head and allowing yourself to put the focus back on yourself. Very healthy, very FORWARD moving and definitely the path you deserve. Turn guilt away after 30 seconds. YOU aren't making the poor choices -- he is.

I found it helped me a great deal to look at myself in the mirror and say "You are NEVER going to live like that again."
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:36 AM
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Thanks Lady...you're right...I do ask myself that question!
No I do not have any children...and that was one of my biggest things. I love kids and want them...and I always say...I could never bring a child into this situation...never knowing how he'd come home.

Yesterday he had his lawyer (his lawyer for a DWI case...his 3rd!) call me..he told me he was really worried about him and would like to see us get marriage counseling. I expressed I tried that in the beginning of our marriage....it clearly didn't work. Likewise, I gave him chance after chance for 6 mts..never did he even TRY or ask during that time to do that. So odd...he's trying ANYTHING at this point. And for the first time instead of feeling guilty again...I was actually MAD that he had the lawyer call me...the nerve. My anger is starting to take over all the guilt and feeling bad. He called me in the middle of the night...unable to speak clearly...asking for Joe...and when I said "what" about three times...he hung up. So that was evidence enough that he's not even helping himself.

Peach....You took the words out of my mouth..."You're never going to live like this again"
Exactly what Isaid to the lawyer when he told me with this disease there's always relapse. I told him..."exactly...and I'm not going to live in fear each day...I don't deserve it. I don't want to live another day like that again!...and he supposidly relapses EACH WEEK...I dunno if that is really a relapse...staying clean for a couple-few days isn't "clean" in my mind!

Thanks for the chat girls! I feel a little better each day!
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:57 AM
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welcome to sr. honestly, i wished I'd been more interactive on this forum before my late ABF overdosed. It's uncomforable being confused and feeling stuck. When I read your post, I thought wow! this was my life...for 3 years. You will be welcomed with open hearts and solid honest support here at SR. Have you read the "codie" book by Melody Beattie titled Codependent No more? The book is as necessary as food and water when you're living with an addict. The explanations and encouragement found within its pages will support your shift from HIS issues, to your OWN.
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:55 AM
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Can you get an annulment based on the fact that he hid he was an addict?
Did you know he was an addict before the wedding?

You're very strong to stick to your guns on this. He cannot change until he finds hit bottom
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