Lonely and sad and confused and danger of wallowing...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Lonely and sad and confused and danger of wallowing...
I hate addiction. I really do. If I believe it's a disease... then I am a terrible person. I wouldn't walk away from a person who has cancer... yet, I am walking away from an alcoholic, a man I love with every breath.
Alcoholism is like a nuclear bomb going off... kills everything around it and what survives is changed forever, and sometimes it dies anyway.
I want my life back. I want my sanity back. I want my hope back.
I wish I had never let him in... I knew he was an alcoholic and I did it anyway. I own that, I don't blame him. I am responsible for sticking with it. But then I would lose all the happy memories, too.
And here I am. Alone and broken.
We texted today... me saying I couldn't be in contact with him anymore, that it was too painful... he was apologizing, saying he loved me, saying he hated that I am hurting. I simply replied "Of course I am hurting. You are the bridge to my past and the hand I wanted to hold into the future." No response.
I love him. I hate him. I want him. I wish... so many things.
This will pass. But right now, I feeling blue and alone. I read the posts from other people and know that there are too many of us in the same boat. It usually gives me some comfort to read them, but tonight it just takes away all my energy and makes me feel like I weigh a thousand pounds.
I can't read any books, I can't listen to music, I'm having nightmares, my stomach hurts all the time, I broke a tooth from grinding my teeth while I sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel like I'm in the middle of a fog.
When I wake up from a nightmare, I want to call him. I used to do that and he always made me feel better. I remember that I can't call him and just sit in my bed and feel lost.
It's like someone broke into my body and stole all my joy.
I don't talk about it with friends, because I feel like I've done enough complaining and they are all of the mind that I just need to put a period at the end and move one. My head knows this, my heart... not so much.
I feel incredibly guilty for walking away. It's overwhelming. I know what it's like to feel abandoned, and it's the worst feeling in the world. Self-preservation or not, I am abandoning him. If I were stronger, if I could hold on just a little longer... but I'm not and I can't.
I'm not going to meetings because I simply don't have the energy. It's all I can do to fake it through the work day. Everything is piling up, laundry, mail, dishes... and I just don't care. I know it's depression, a classic case of it. And I just don't care.
Alcoholism is like a nuclear bomb going off... kills everything around it and what survives is changed forever, and sometimes it dies anyway.
I want my life back. I want my sanity back. I want my hope back.
I wish I had never let him in... I knew he was an alcoholic and I did it anyway. I own that, I don't blame him. I am responsible for sticking with it. But then I would lose all the happy memories, too.
And here I am. Alone and broken.
We texted today... me saying I couldn't be in contact with him anymore, that it was too painful... he was apologizing, saying he loved me, saying he hated that I am hurting. I simply replied "Of course I am hurting. You are the bridge to my past and the hand I wanted to hold into the future." No response.
I love him. I hate him. I want him. I wish... so many things.
This will pass. But right now, I feeling blue and alone. I read the posts from other people and know that there are too many of us in the same boat. It usually gives me some comfort to read them, but tonight it just takes away all my energy and makes me feel like I weigh a thousand pounds.
I can't read any books, I can't listen to music, I'm having nightmares, my stomach hurts all the time, I broke a tooth from grinding my teeth while I sleep, my emotions are all over the place, I feel like I'm in the middle of a fog.
When I wake up from a nightmare, I want to call him. I used to do that and he always made me feel better. I remember that I can't call him and just sit in my bed and feel lost.
It's like someone broke into my body and stole all my joy.
I don't talk about it with friends, because I feel like I've done enough complaining and they are all of the mind that I just need to put a period at the end and move one. My head knows this, my heart... not so much.
I feel incredibly guilty for walking away. It's overwhelming. I know what it's like to feel abandoned, and it's the worst feeling in the world. Self-preservation or not, I am abandoning him. If I were stronger, if I could hold on just a little longer... but I'm not and I can't.
I'm not going to meetings because I simply don't have the energy. It's all I can do to fake it through the work day. Everything is piling up, laundry, mail, dishes... and I just don't care. I know it's depression, a classic case of it. And I just don't care.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi klm,
I'm so sorry...this is so sad. I get it, I really and truly do. Especially when you said, "I want my life back. I want my sanity back. I want my hope back."
I knew that the A in my life had a problem too--I was told from the beginning. It's the part of me that couldn't see it, couldn't touch it, couldn't understand the importance of the alcohol in the beloved one's life. I just didn't get it. BUT, that was then, and this is now.
It sounds like you see it with that painful-awful-wonderful-validating clarity that you express so well. It feels all muddled, doesn't it? And yet, here you are, writing to this forum and reaching out. The dishes will wait, along with the laundry, etc. You'll get to that. Keep reaching out, keep reading so you know you're not alone. You're not. And remember that it's okay to feel REALLY sad about this incredibly sad situation...it doesn't define you. Today is today. Tomorrow will offer something else.
I'm coping by focusing on relationships with others that are positive and supportive. Sometimes there aren't people around, but then I have my pets! Keep writing...
Hugs,
pp
I'm so sorry...this is so sad. I get it, I really and truly do. Especially when you said, "I want my life back. I want my sanity back. I want my hope back."
I knew that the A in my life had a problem too--I was told from the beginning. It's the part of me that couldn't see it, couldn't touch it, couldn't understand the importance of the alcohol in the beloved one's life. I just didn't get it. BUT, that was then, and this is now.
It sounds like you see it with that painful-awful-wonderful-validating clarity that you express so well. It feels all muddled, doesn't it? And yet, here you are, writing to this forum and reaching out. The dishes will wait, along with the laundry, etc. You'll get to that. Keep reaching out, keep reading so you know you're not alone. You're not. And remember that it's okay to feel REALLY sad about this incredibly sad situation...it doesn't define you. Today is today. Tomorrow will offer something else.
I'm coping by focusing on relationships with others that are positive and supportive. Sometimes there aren't people around, but then I have my pets! Keep writing...
Hugs,
pp
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
This is where I was a few years ago. It is like surgery with a hacksaw. I had all the symptoms you described. It would have been easier if he had died. Now 2 1/2 yrs. after divorce it is more like looking back at pictures. The disease steals them from us and it makes me so angry. But they have choices. SR helps alot because I like to isolate and skip meetings but I will come here. I do go to meetings though. I actually did 90 in 90 last spring/summer with a friend who was seperating/divorcing her husband. Meetings didn't hurt me. Today I try to make every day positive, I try to stay in the moment, in gratitude, glad I learned the lessons, boundaries, love him from a distance...I know no contact is best now and I adhere to that. I work at the AA intergroup office one day a week answering the phone and sending out meeting lists. I work with a newcomer. It gets better. You go through stages; anger,denial,barginning,acceptance.....back and forth until you eventually stay in acceptance. It takes time. I had to get professional help and have depression meds briefly.It is a process. I have to make myself stay in the present, eat right, exercise, stay busy,reach out, go to meetings and talk......cry......ask for help....Ce Ce Winans has a song that says...."Take your time cause time is what its gonna take- and one morning you'll awake and there will be one less tear- and you'll heal- I know you will."
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Klm
I hear you and I understand. I've been where you've been. I thought I could make a difference and love him enough to have him change and be OK in his own skin. The disease was stronger than I was, and I felt as though I had failed him and had failed myself. And I slipped into the darkness of depression.
Alcoholism is an ugly disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. BUT you can help yourself, if you want to. You can reach out to others. You can go to meetings. You can seek professional help for your depression if it's at that level that needs it. Mine was. I found myself in a dark, sad and lonely place. Even when I realized i didn't want to be there anymore, I wasnt' able to climb out without help.
It's not a weakness to admit you need help. It's a sign of strength. Just posting here, saying what you think and feel out loud - that's a sign of strength as well.
There is light and life and laughter on the other side if you want it.... that's a promise.
Hugs
Cats
I hear you and I understand. I've been where you've been. I thought I could make a difference and love him enough to have him change and be OK in his own skin. The disease was stronger than I was, and I felt as though I had failed him and had failed myself. And I slipped into the darkness of depression.
Alcoholism is an ugly disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. BUT you can help yourself, if you want to. You can reach out to others. You can go to meetings. You can seek professional help for your depression if it's at that level that needs it. Mine was. I found myself in a dark, sad and lonely place. Even when I realized i didn't want to be there anymore, I wasnt' able to climb out without help.
It's not a weakness to admit you need help. It's a sign of strength. Just posting here, saying what you think and feel out loud - that's a sign of strength as well.
There is light and life and laughter on the other side if you want it.... that's a promise.
Hugs
Cats
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Hugs. I hate it too and I went through all that (and no matter how many people endure that kind of loneliness, we still get to do it alone. Sucks.)
Do as much for you as you can, and whatever you can't, don't feel bad about letting go. I found that meeting were a source of strength, but yeah, it does take a certain amount of energy to leave the house.
Three years later, I still love my ex husband, but I have my life and my self back, and I am liking both of those much better.
I let him in knowing he was an alcoholic too, but I had no idea what that meant or how it could poison a relationship. I thought, oh, ok, so it will cause physical problems. But I had no clue that a barrage of lies, rationalizations, sadness, other addictions, emotional absence, poor decisions, and just out and out weird s**t came with it; I didn't grow up with any kind of alcoholism.
My friends and family don't understand why I couldn't just shrug and move on either. Don't worry about them; they can't understand. Do take care of you, and keep reaching out to those who do
Do as much for you as you can, and whatever you can't, don't feel bad about letting go. I found that meeting were a source of strength, but yeah, it does take a certain amount of energy to leave the house.
Three years later, I still love my ex husband, but I have my life and my self back, and I am liking both of those much better.
I let him in knowing he was an alcoholic too, but I had no idea what that meant or how it could poison a relationship. I thought, oh, ok, so it will cause physical problems. But I had no clue that a barrage of lies, rationalizations, sadness, other addictions, emotional absence, poor decisions, and just out and out weird s**t came with it; I didn't grow up with any kind of alcoholism.
My friends and family don't understand why I couldn't just shrug and move on either. Don't worry about them; they can't understand. Do take care of you, and keep reaching out to those who do
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
I wish I could cry, but I can't. I just feel numb. I've not cried one tear. I'm afraid to start for fear of how bad it's going to be.
I feel like I'm made of glass... one more thing and I'll shatter.
Thank you all for being here... sincerely.
Breaking up is hard enough... why is this so much worse? I don't understand it. It has so many more layers.
I want him to be sane and safe and sober and at peace.
All the things I hoped he would give to me, and all of the things alcoholism stole from both of us. It makes me so sad.
I miss my friend.
I wish I could cry.
My heart is broken. Just broken.
I feel like I'm made of glass... one more thing and I'll shatter.
Thank you all for being here... sincerely.
Breaking up is hard enough... why is this so much worse? I don't understand it. It has so many more layers.
I want him to be sane and safe and sober and at peace.
All the things I hoped he would give to me, and all of the things alcoholism stole from both of us. It makes me so sad.
I miss my friend.
I wish I could cry.
My heart is broken. Just broken.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by klm 
I hate addiction. I really do. If I believe it's a disease... then I am a terrible person. I wouldn't walk away from a person who has cancer... yet, I am walking away from an alcoholic, a man I love with every breath.
1234
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
1234... intellectually, I know you are right. My guilt... my heart... isn't there. I told him I wouldn't leave him as long as he was working the program.
Ultimately, I have lied. I have to find a way to live with this.
Ultimately, I have lied. I have to find a way to live with this.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
For all the love,understanding and support one can get SR, from Alanon, therapy, friends and family it is still a situation that is personal to the one going thru it. The feelings, fears, grief, guilt, anger and despair are felt by the person, even if others have felt the same way.
Going thru this is sheer and utter hell, and I know that I thought it would never end.
I also could not take being told it would pass, I would feel better etc, and I wallowed for a while. I think wallowing is part of the process anyway, and has it's part to play in the grief and loss cycle.
As for you feeling guilt for abandoning him, please don't go there.
This addiction is a disease, but unlike cancer etc the addict has choices whether to be an active participant in that disease or head for help with recovery.
Life with an A is full of past problems, and even if they go for recovery, there is a thin line between sobriety and relapse. For partners there is also the fear of relapse, hanging over our heads like the sword of Damocles, and the worry that we might say or do something that is the "reason" for a relapse.
If you have come to where, for your own sake you just cannot continue, then so be it. You can only be responsible for your happiness and sanity, and should not feel you must remain in a place of discomfort to suit some one else.
Seek professional help for yourself and let those guilt feelings go.
God bless
Going thru this is sheer and utter hell, and I know that I thought it would never end.
I also could not take being told it would pass, I would feel better etc, and I wallowed for a while. I think wallowing is part of the process anyway, and has it's part to play in the grief and loss cycle.
As for you feeling guilt for abandoning him, please don't go there.
This addiction is a disease, but unlike cancer etc the addict has choices whether to be an active participant in that disease or head for help with recovery.
Life with an A is full of past problems, and even if they go for recovery, there is a thin line between sobriety and relapse. For partners there is also the fear of relapse, hanging over our heads like the sword of Damocles, and the worry that we might say or do something that is the "reason" for a relapse.
If you have come to where, for your own sake you just cannot continue, then so be it. You can only be responsible for your happiness and sanity, and should not feel you must remain in a place of discomfort to suit some one else.
Seek professional help for yourself and let those guilt feelings go.
God bless
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
klm,
One other thing that this wonderful discussion brought up for me as I'm reading: it has taken me a really long time to even begin to figure out what I want for myself. I never knew this was a challenge for me, but I'm realizing how much I have deferred to others, and to the A in my life. I've been letting that person make the decisions and then wonder, in their chaos, why I feel like I'm the midst of the most wild rollercoaster ride I've ever known, and yet, cannot seem to make myself get off even though I'm sick to my stomach. There is something there about me and needing to make my own choices, and feel okay about them.
I don't know if that's the case for you but wanted to share. It's SUCH a heartbreak. I've never known heartbreak like I know it for my A. I don't get that part, but I do know that as I've been building a life for myself, and with myself, I'm feeling better--moments of being really happy, even.
Be good to you, and keep posting. I really appreciate what you're sharing and how it helps me not feel so alone in this crazy-making situation.
Wishing you peacefulness,
pp
One other thing that this wonderful discussion brought up for me as I'm reading: it has taken me a really long time to even begin to figure out what I want for myself. I never knew this was a challenge for me, but I'm realizing how much I have deferred to others, and to the A in my life. I've been letting that person make the decisions and then wonder, in their chaos, why I feel like I'm the midst of the most wild rollercoaster ride I've ever known, and yet, cannot seem to make myself get off even though I'm sick to my stomach. There is something there about me and needing to make my own choices, and feel okay about them.
I don't know if that's the case for you but wanted to share. It's SUCH a heartbreak. I've never known heartbreak like I know it for my A. I don't get that part, but I do know that as I've been building a life for myself, and with myself, I'm feeling better--moments of being really happy, even.
Be good to you, and keep posting. I really appreciate what you're sharing and how it helps me not feel so alone in this crazy-making situation.
Wishing you peacefulness,
pp
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
klm,
My heart goes out to you, I could have written your posts.
Gut wrenching sadness, like a hollow hole has been punched in your heart. You blame yourself because YOU should have loved him enough to make him stop.
Ahhh but the disease is SO much stronger than love. It destroys EVERYTHING it touches, while the A is oblivious to the pain, heartache, sadness and despair they cause in the wake of their addiction.
I am also going through my own 'detox' with my A. We've been NC for almost a month. You know what I miss? I miss his laugh. I miss his stupid, giddy, wonderful, musical, joyful LAUGH! I am sad, that I may never hear it again!
Then, I have to remember that I will share someone else's laugh someday. I will find joy in another one's laughter, and silliness, and joyfulness and NOT suffer through the chaos that the A has brought to my existence.
I am sending you (((HUGS)))) and peace. We can only pray for them now, and move on with our lives without guilt, remorse or feeling we abandoned them. THEY abandoned everyone and everything they loved. We merely stepped out of the way of the steaming train so we didn't get run over.
:ghug3
My heart goes out to you, I could have written your posts.
Gut wrenching sadness, like a hollow hole has been punched in your heart. You blame yourself because YOU should have loved him enough to make him stop.
Ahhh but the disease is SO much stronger than love. It destroys EVERYTHING it touches, while the A is oblivious to the pain, heartache, sadness and despair they cause in the wake of their addiction.
I am also going through my own 'detox' with my A. We've been NC for almost a month. You know what I miss? I miss his laugh. I miss his stupid, giddy, wonderful, musical, joyful LAUGH! I am sad, that I may never hear it again!
Then, I have to remember that I will share someone else's laugh someday. I will find joy in another one's laughter, and silliness, and joyfulness and NOT suffer through the chaos that the A has brought to my existence.
I am sending you (((HUGS)))) and peace. We can only pray for them now, and move on with our lives without guilt, remorse or feeling we abandoned them. THEY abandoned everyone and everything they loved. We merely stepped out of the way of the steaming train so we didn't get run over.
:ghug3
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