He drank again...he's never gonna stop, is he?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
He drank again...he's never gonna stop, is he?
I am so tired of broken promises and lies. I've posted a few times lately. I don't even really care if anyone reads it at this point, because just writing it down is really helping. I've been reading others' posts at night when I feel alone and my son is asleep. It's the only comfort I can really find.
My 2-year-old and I have been staying w/my parents for the last two months because I couldn't live one more minute with a binge drinker. I work from home, fortunately, which has made it easier. I'm looking for a place to rent and trying to get organized. My parents live in the mountains, and it's pretty isolated here, expecially with all the snow. I've been feeling lonely, especially at night, but I'm trying to hang in there and keep a positive attitude for my little guy. I just signed up for a volunteer opportunity that I'm really excited about. Trying to take steps.
We are living apart until I feel I can trust him, which will probably be never. When I first left, I was really angry and mad that he put our family in this position, and I felt really numb to any feelings I had left for him. He promised (again) that he was going to be "on the straight and narrow, no drinking/partying," and that he would concentrate on work, fitness, and saving his money for coming to see us, and proving to me that he can change. For the last month, he's been working a lot, working out, and staying in at night. I've actually been proud of him and schocked that he hasn't been out on the weekends. He's been a much happier person and I've actually enjoyed his calls lately.
We have plans for him to come see us next weekend, it's his birthday and he really wants to see our son. He already bought a plane ticket and we booked the room.
Last night, I texted him and half-jokingly said "You going out on the town tonight?" to which he replied, "No!" and said I should start trusting him more. Cut to 3 hours later. I called him and he answered and I could tell he was drunk. He was out with the guys and said he'd call me later. He never did of course. At least he didn't leave me any nasty voice mails. I haven't heard from him today, I'm sure he's sleeping it off and feeling sorry for himself.
I'm so disappointed. He'll probably say I'm overreacting and that nothing bad happened. I don't even want to see him next weekend now, but I know he needs to see our son. WHY oh WHY is it so hard for him to control himself when he goes out? Why can't he just say no to a shot? Why is being "one of the guys" more important to him than his family? I am ALMOST to the point of saying forget it, but divorcing him will bring a whole new set of complications to my life. I just don't know how long I can wait for him to get it together. I am 28, still young, and I want to be happy. I owe it to my child to be happy for him. At the same time, I really want his daddy to get it together. He's 31, he needs to grow up. This is so sad. He has no idea how much last night hurt me, or how much any of this has hurt me. I can't live like this much longer. At what point do I give up on him?
My 2-year-old and I have been staying w/my parents for the last two months because I couldn't live one more minute with a binge drinker. I work from home, fortunately, which has made it easier. I'm looking for a place to rent and trying to get organized. My parents live in the mountains, and it's pretty isolated here, expecially with all the snow. I've been feeling lonely, especially at night, but I'm trying to hang in there and keep a positive attitude for my little guy. I just signed up for a volunteer opportunity that I'm really excited about. Trying to take steps.
We are living apart until I feel I can trust him, which will probably be never. When I first left, I was really angry and mad that he put our family in this position, and I felt really numb to any feelings I had left for him. He promised (again) that he was going to be "on the straight and narrow, no drinking/partying," and that he would concentrate on work, fitness, and saving his money for coming to see us, and proving to me that he can change. For the last month, he's been working a lot, working out, and staying in at night. I've actually been proud of him and schocked that he hasn't been out on the weekends. He's been a much happier person and I've actually enjoyed his calls lately.
We have plans for him to come see us next weekend, it's his birthday and he really wants to see our son. He already bought a plane ticket and we booked the room.
Last night, I texted him and half-jokingly said "You going out on the town tonight?" to which he replied, "No!" and said I should start trusting him more. Cut to 3 hours later. I called him and he answered and I could tell he was drunk. He was out with the guys and said he'd call me later. He never did of course. At least he didn't leave me any nasty voice mails. I haven't heard from him today, I'm sure he's sleeping it off and feeling sorry for himself.
I'm so disappointed. He'll probably say I'm overreacting and that nothing bad happened. I don't even want to see him next weekend now, but I know he needs to see our son. WHY oh WHY is it so hard for him to control himself when he goes out? Why can't he just say no to a shot? Why is being "one of the guys" more important to him than his family? I am ALMOST to the point of saying forget it, but divorcing him will bring a whole new set of complications to my life. I just don't know how long I can wait for him to get it together. I am 28, still young, and I want to be happy. I owe it to my child to be happy for him. At the same time, I really want his daddy to get it together. He's 31, he needs to grow up. This is so sad. He has no idea how much last night hurt me, or how much any of this has hurt me. I can't live like this much longer. At what point do I give up on him?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
It's not so much "giving up on him" as it is accepting that it is what it is. I know it sounds trite, but, you'll know when you've had enough. When you are no longer surprised that he drank; when you no longer have any expectations of him whatsoever. That's when you will finally start accepting what is. That's when your only focus will be yourself and your son. That's when you'll know you've had enough. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hopeless Wife,
I am sorry for how you are feeling. I am certainly not the wisest or the most experienced here, but I can offer a little comfort and tell you that people here really do care, know what it's like and will offer such amazing support. You are never alone here.
You ask why being one of the guys is more important?.... When it comes to alcoholism, it's NOT that being one of the guys is more important. It is that the need to drink is seems uncontrollable.
There are great people here who have been on both sides of the fence and can tell you a little bit better about how controlling alcoholism is. And it is NOT because of you.
I don't think anyone can tell you at what point to give up on him. You will know when you have had enough, when the pain of staying is so much greater than the pain of leaving is.
What I do know is that alcoholism is progressive, it will NOT get better if he does not address it and go into a recovery program seriously. It will only get worse.
You are so young. And you have a fabulous little boy who has a fabulous mother who clearly loves him dearly. Your first responsibity is to your little one and to yourself at this point, because he needs a healthy mother to be able to take care of him.
Your husbands choices are is. The only thing you have control over is what you do.
It is not easy. And I wish I could offer something great and inspiring! Sending you a hug and a reminder that you have a lot of caring people here.
I am sorry for how you are feeling. I am certainly not the wisest or the most experienced here, but I can offer a little comfort and tell you that people here really do care, know what it's like and will offer such amazing support. You are never alone here.
You ask why being one of the guys is more important?.... When it comes to alcoholism, it's NOT that being one of the guys is more important. It is that the need to drink is seems uncontrollable.
There are great people here who have been on both sides of the fence and can tell you a little bit better about how controlling alcoholism is. And it is NOT because of you.
I don't think anyone can tell you at what point to give up on him. You will know when you have had enough, when the pain of staying is so much greater than the pain of leaving is.
What I do know is that alcoholism is progressive, it will NOT get better if he does not address it and go into a recovery program seriously. It will only get worse.
You are so young. And you have a fabulous little boy who has a fabulous mother who clearly loves him dearly. Your first responsibity is to your little one and to yourself at this point, because he needs a healthy mother to be able to take care of him.
Your husbands choices are is. The only thing you have control over is what you do.
It is not easy. And I wish I could offer something great and inspiring! Sending you a hug and a reminder that you have a lot of caring people here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
I've been crying a lot today, thanks for the kind words! I know I can't change him, I'm finally realizing that! I've always known it, but I'm done pretending otherwise. I actually don't even get angry anymore, just sad. You know what's funny though, he doesn't seem sad at all! When I think about leaving him, I think of how messed up he is, and I feel like I need to stick by him and try to help him figure himself out, and how I want him to be happy. But the thing is, he has everything you could want...his health, looks, great job, lives in a beautiful city, has a wife who loves him and a beautiful child....but he chooses to go out and get completely trashed. He KNOWS what will happen, no one forces him to do it. He also knows how much it hurts me. And I would NEVER intentionally do something that I know hurts him this way. I spend so much time worrying about him and hoping he's okay. There are weekends where I am lying here crying, or pacing, waiting for a call, hoping he's not been in a fight/accident while on a binge. Yet somehow he pulls himself together and puts a smiling face on for work when he needs to, and goes on with his life like it's nothing, while I'm living in misery. Today is a good example of that. I'm here worrying when he doesn't spend one second worrying about me or how I'm feeling, yet I'm "his best friend, and he loves me so much." Yeah right.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
It sounds to me like you are making progress. No one says these things happen overnight. Of course you are going to feel a vast array of emotions while you come to grips with how it really is. I'm glad to know that you have a place away from the drama. You aren't having to live in the same house with a front row seat day in and day out. You have some room to breathe and look at things with a clearer eye. You don't have to make any decisions today. Just take the time you need and have available to you to take care of yourself and your son.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
You sound a lot like me. I don't speak to my XA any longer, for many reasons. And I am still getting my self back together emotionally from it all. He went back to his ex wife, she could give him the life I couldn't.... she drinks with him and makes him "happy".
I too, like you, am perplexed by how he treated me ( I won't hijack your thread by going into it
) but I thought he was my best friend and could never fathom treating him the way he treated me. Mine has a duel diagnosis though of combat ptsd and alcoholism. The problems run deep. But I would have done ANYTHING for this man. And that was part of my problem....I completely lost myself in him.
I was hurt, and took it VERY personally that he could seem to just cast me aside without any regard to my feelings and really not care at all. It was/ has been devistating. He and I haven't spoken for almost 6 months. There have been recent developments where we have been in touch, but not really directly, and it has made a lot of the hurt feelings resurface. Those which remind me that he does not care.
Last night he apparently called a mutual friend....and wanted to discuss me. He knew the info would get back to me, so he carefully gave "his side" of recent events of why he has recently done certain things. I don't believe his excuses. Talk is cheap.
He also told our friend that he and is gf are planning to move and he was going to go to law school.....
At first I was just a little sick. And then I realized, it is ALL an act. It always has been with him. During the phone conversation with our friend, he was drinking the entire time, and by the end of the call pretty drunk. That is typical. To drink alone at home until he passes out asleep. And I realized, nothing has changed. Nothing will change. He speaks about the man he WISHES he was. He can pain a picture of his life to the outside world of wine and roses, but it is NOT like that.
My point is this, things are not always as you think they are. You say he puts on a smile for work.... well, that is probably exactly that, putting on a smile. It doesn't mean it is real. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about how you feel..... but for whatever reason he cannot face it. And unfortunately nothing can make him face it until he is ready.
Alcoholics often look like they are having the time of their life, not a care in the world! When in reality it is the complete opposite. Alcoholics are generally not happy people at all.
So when you start to internalize it, and I understand how painful that can feel, that it feels like the person you love doesn't love you at all, remember and try not to personalize it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.... it means right now, he doesn't care about himself. I'm sure he wants to, but he just doesn't.
I too, like you, am perplexed by how he treated me ( I won't hijack your thread by going into it
) but I thought he was my best friend and could never fathom treating him the way he treated me. Mine has a duel diagnosis though of combat ptsd and alcoholism. The problems run deep. But I would have done ANYTHING for this man. And that was part of my problem....I completely lost myself in him.I was hurt, and took it VERY personally that he could seem to just cast me aside without any regard to my feelings and really not care at all. It was/ has been devistating. He and I haven't spoken for almost 6 months. There have been recent developments where we have been in touch, but not really directly, and it has made a lot of the hurt feelings resurface. Those which remind me that he does not care.
Last night he apparently called a mutual friend....and wanted to discuss me. He knew the info would get back to me, so he carefully gave "his side" of recent events of why he has recently done certain things. I don't believe his excuses. Talk is cheap.
He also told our friend that he and is gf are planning to move and he was going to go to law school.....
At first I was just a little sick. And then I realized, it is ALL an act. It always has been with him. During the phone conversation with our friend, he was drinking the entire time, and by the end of the call pretty drunk. That is typical. To drink alone at home until he passes out asleep. And I realized, nothing has changed. Nothing will change. He speaks about the man he WISHES he was. He can pain a picture of his life to the outside world of wine and roses, but it is NOT like that.
My point is this, things are not always as you think they are. You say he puts on a smile for work.... well, that is probably exactly that, putting on a smile. It doesn't mean it is real. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about how you feel..... but for whatever reason he cannot face it. And unfortunately nothing can make him face it until he is ready.
Alcoholics often look like they are having the time of their life, not a care in the world! When in reality it is the complete opposite. Alcoholics are generally not happy people at all.
So when you start to internalize it, and I understand how painful that can feel, that it feels like the person you love doesn't love you at all, remember and try not to personalize it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.... it means right now, he doesn't care about himself. I'm sure he wants to, but he just doesn't.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He drank again...he's never gonna stop, is he?
He will stop when it is important to him. Right now it is important to you, not to him. He isn't ready. Remember the 3 C's of alcoholism: You did not cause this, You can not control this, You will not cure this.
I am glad you are still coming here and reading. Have you read the excerpts from the book "under the influence" that are posted here at SR? It was helpful to me to get as much information as I could about alcoholism. Here is the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Have you started attending Alanon meetings since you seperated from your AH? Have you started seeing a counselor?
I re-read your posts. Your first post is heartbreaking. Your partners outbursts and physical assaults are abusive. You deserve a consistently loving partner and your son deserves a consistently responsible father. You have taken some positive steps to take care of yourself and your precious son by removing yourself from the alcoholic drama. Please continue to take care of yourself and your little guy. You are worth the time and effort.
He will stop when it is important to him. Right now it is important to you, not to him. He isn't ready. Remember the 3 C's of alcoholism: You did not cause this, You can not control this, You will not cure this.
I am glad you are still coming here and reading. Have you read the excerpts from the book "under the influence" that are posted here at SR? It was helpful to me to get as much information as I could about alcoholism. Here is the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Have you started attending Alanon meetings since you seperated from your AH? Have you started seeing a counselor?
I re-read your posts. Your first post is heartbreaking. Your partners outbursts and physical assaults are abusive. You deserve a consistently loving partner and your son deserves a consistently responsible father. You have taken some positive steps to take care of yourself and your precious son by removing yourself from the alcoholic drama. Please continue to take care of yourself and your little guy. You are worth the time and effort.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hopeless - You sound like such a good person and really smart, too. You are so lucky to have the support of your family and a job that allows you to work anywhere!
In addition to the time I spend here on SR, I also work for my city's domestic violence counseling center/hotline/shelter. I can't tell you how very heartbreaking it is to hear about young women's lives that are RUINED because they made vital mistakes like investing in their marriage even after they had been abused, once, twice, three times... on and on until they are only a shell of the woman they once were.
I am so very sorry to say this but your husband has not one but TWO very serious problems: addiction and battering. Both of these issues need to be addressed with serious recovery work before he is anywhere near ready to be a good husband and father. I know he tells you he's sorry and it will never happen again....but it always does. I promise...it always does. And normally the abuse gets worse and worse because you allow it to continue. What has to happen for you to say "never again".... what is your boundary? When he actually chokes you? When you cut your head open and need stitches? When you end up in the hospital? Just answer the question for yourself -- you don't need to answer me -- What is your boundary? What will you allow?
If he's not working hard at recovery for BOTH of his issues (neither of which have very high success rates) what is there really to hang onto? I'm so very sorry, but the magical thinking has GOT to go.
Please don't become a statistic. Please don't throw your life away hanging onto a dream. Take your blinders off, get into counseling, and get strong. You've got a lot of work to do but I know you can do it. You're going to have a beautiful life -- I just know it.
XOXO
In addition to the time I spend here on SR, I also work for my city's domestic violence counseling center/hotline/shelter. I can't tell you how very heartbreaking it is to hear about young women's lives that are RUINED because they made vital mistakes like investing in their marriage even after they had been abused, once, twice, three times... on and on until they are only a shell of the woman they once were.
I am so very sorry to say this but your husband has not one but TWO very serious problems: addiction and battering. Both of these issues need to be addressed with serious recovery work before he is anywhere near ready to be a good husband and father. I know he tells you he's sorry and it will never happen again....but it always does. I promise...it always does. And normally the abuse gets worse and worse because you allow it to continue. What has to happen for you to say "never again".... what is your boundary? When he actually chokes you? When you cut your head open and need stitches? When you end up in the hospital? Just answer the question for yourself -- you don't need to answer me -- What is your boundary? What will you allow?
If he's not working hard at recovery for BOTH of his issues (neither of which have very high success rates) what is there really to hang onto? I'm so very sorry, but the magical thinking has GOT to go.
Please don't become a statistic. Please don't throw your life away hanging onto a dream. Take your blinders off, get into counseling, and get strong. You've got a lot of work to do but I know you can do it. You're going to have a beautiful life -- I just know it.
XOXO
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Dear Wife
You are the same age I was when I realised my husband is an alcoholic. I stayed. I am now 46 years old and he is a fall down drunk. Please please please always remember that you are precious and do deserve better. Learn to love yourself more than his problems. We are supposed to love our neighbor" like ourselves" - not more than ourselves. You might feel stuck , but a plan will come when you are ready to.
Please do not take care of/focus on his issues at the cost of your one precious beautiful life!
Hugs
You are the same age I was when I realised my husband is an alcoholic. I stayed. I am now 46 years old and he is a fall down drunk. Please please please always remember that you are precious and do deserve better. Learn to love yourself more than his problems. We are supposed to love our neighbor" like ourselves" - not more than ourselves. You might feel stuck , but a plan will come when you are ready to.
Please do not take care of/focus on his issues at the cost of your one precious beautiful life!
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
the thing is, he has everything you could want...his health, looks, great job, lives in a beautiful city, has a wife who loves him and a beautiful child....but he chooses to go out and get completely trashed. He KNOWS what will happen, no one forces him to do it. He also knows how much it hurts me.
He drinks becasue he is an alcoholic, one who is choosing not to seek recovery.
Back to your original point. I dont know if he will ever stop. In the meantime you have to make the best decisions for you and your son.
So next weekend are you going to see him "for your sons sake" or can some-one else be mediator and provide him with that access? i worry that contact with him for you will add more confusion. So many wise members here advocate no-contact but I see you already have phone contact with him. If he is not seeking help what are your plans for the future with this man?
Much love to you.
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