JuneBug

I was going through an old box of papers, not sure what I was looking for but I ended up finding a letter I wrote to my H when we first met. I felt so sad reading it. I was so full of life, love and hope. The letter was full of love and praise, adoration and promise that was in July 2006. I don't feel like that now. I feel jaded, distrusting and sad. Sad like I am mourning the loss of what was supposed to be but it turned out not to be like that at all. The girl who wrote that letter had no idea, not even a glimpse of a clue of what she was getting herself into all she saw was the promise of what was happening that day. We are talking about someone who was grateful for all teh very simple things in her life. I loved being able to sit in my very own apartment and know my very own car was in the driveway and sipping tea and looking out the window and feeling truly happy and pride in myself and what I had accomplished......I haven't a clue how that woman ended up me.
Right now we are still living together as you know until detox & rehab he is actually behaving in a way I didn't expect. Last night he left me alone in the livingroom to watch my own tv shows that I hadn't watched in probably years because he dominated everything including the tv. I didnt mind at first because I woul rather read, knit or write then watch tv but then very slowly all those things I loved to do crept away and i ended up being in a place of watching and waiting on him. I turned into his personal cheerleader, doctor, therapist, bank, companion, teacher, cleaner, cook, driver and advocate. I jumped higher and higher and cheered louder and louder when it called for it to keep him going because thats what I thought I was supposed to do, thats what I thought I had to do to keep things going in the direction I wanted them to go.......I had seen the end picture and I just wanted to get there, for this addiction crap to be over, for his childhood issues to stop interferring, for all the excuses and this and that for all of it to be over so we could have the life that he promised me was coming. It's not coming and I know that and that makes me so sad. I had truly believed by now I would be rocking my babies too sleep, talking with my girlfriends about our wonderful children but now I am the one who is listening to them talk about how wonderful their children are. I am grateful I am in this mess alone and don't have children but then now that I can see where tis is going.......its like watching something die very slowly. I did have hope I guess that in the end after rehab we would have a chance at re-building who knows maybe we still can but right now it just feels like I am watching something slip away and slowly die. I don't hate him, I just feel sad almost mournful that something that could have been great and wonderful is just not going to happen. I know he knows it too, my therapist says he doesn't, that he doesn't have the capabilty to see that deeply and maybe she is right but something makes me think he does or he wouldn't be behaving how he is now, leaving me alone, giving me space, not asking for money, or anything really its like we are 2 people living in a house wandering around. IT was hard at first trying to find ways to avoid the "can I have a hug" moments or the leaving for work of hugs and kisses ritual I just walk out the door and watch the hours pass me by. I went for a walk with the dog a few hours ago and the whole time I was gone all I could think about was, omg I left my wallet behind and the bottle of tylenol. How sad is that. Sitting here now I feel like how am I ever, if it happens mind you, that i get into another relationship how am I ever going to trust that person or wonder if they are being who they truly are......or forget it I cant even think about being with someone else. I deserve myself.
Thanks for listening.........

aah1977

I have very similar feelings right now about being kind of jaded. My H and I have known each other since we were 4 years old, have been best friends since my sophomore year in high school and started dating my senior year. I am now 33 years old. I knew this person like I've known nobody else in my life. I would have never imagined the things that have taken place over the last 2 years and especiallly what has happened in the last 2 months. We are currently separated and he is actually in jail waiting for his dad to pay his bond. Not having him in the house has been sort of freeing. I don't have to hide everything all the time although when I'm not home I still take certain things with me in case he stopped by the house. This is no way to live! I just said to a friend last night that I didn't know how I would ever allow someone back in again because I thought I knew my husband. I didn't fall in love with an addict, I didn't marry an addict. Over time he became one and he did unimaginable things to people in his life. How do I trust someone I haven't known my entire life when someone I have known literally as long as I can remember betrayed me so horribly. I'm sure at some point with lots of soul searching and therapy maybe I can let someone else back in.

sofacat

I'm having a mourning kind of day too JuneBug

We'll get through it, and we will meet someone else someday. Let's just hope we fix our "picker" before we do!

((((((( big hug ))))))))