Deeztryin

Hello all
Im new here,

I never would have thought Not doing something would be the hardest thing I would ever do.

its so difficult to avoid the JUSTIFICATION monster! I can sell myself a excuse to drink faster than anything. Every thing i have done for most of my life somehow involved drinking. Now i cant just have one or 2, it goes right into several bottles of wine and bits i dont remember, staying at home in shame getting housed playing online games so now one see's me. I'll get 2 days in and feeling healthy then that justification monster kicks in. then the days of hateing myself kick in. Being diabetic does not help ether.
Im trying though. at 37 I have been a chef for 20 years, i just closed my company last year.
I moved away from all my people who were a bad influence on me and me on them.
Im now a full time student in Fine arts school and it really does make me happy.
I just cant stand it when i slip up, i cant stand hateing my self for it. and why is it sooo hard to break this chain, i dont want it, but there it is. So i go up and down, to my classes and home to my room, day in day out, Im soo close if i could break this cycle im really on the verge of being a new me and I want to like this guy.

I just have to kick this dang habbit,,,,, grrr

well thats my rant for now thanks for letting me let it out
D

Anna

It sounds like you believe in yourself and that you can continue your education and move forward in your life.

Believe in yourself that you can live a sober life, and that you deserve it. Don't let the self-loathing drive you back to drinking.

Kerbcrawler

Deeztryin, i could have written these words..EXACTLY! breakin a powerful cycle of habit/Addiction, Many here seem to have it beaten..Clearly can be done..Good luck to you too..

least

I agree completely. Self hatred kept me drinking cause I thought I didn't deserve a better life, that I was a loser so felt justified in living the life of a loser. Now that I'm sober I can see clearly the lies I told myself and allowed myself to believe. I DO deserve a decent life and living sober IS a decent life. You deserve a good life too. Please find a way to get and stay sober. It takes some effort on your part but is very much worth it.

Welcome to SR!

Deeztryin

thanks all, ya the hatred can me a B@tch but its kinda hard not to, i do try and have gotten a lot better at it, Its been about 8 months sense i have thrown the switch and have actively been trying to quit 100% . i think ive just been to much of a recluse. i probly should find a group, i just dont trust people, and dont want anything thats based on religion. So i just pile on lots of classes and home work to keep me busy.

CarolD

While I do find AA to be an awesome adventure
it's not the only way to be sucessfully happily sober.
Many of our SR members are doing just that
in various ways......

Welcome to our recovery community

Dee74

Hi deeztryin

I definitely relate on the rationalisations and on the self hatred too.
I struggled for a long time *nearly quitting* and then drinking heavily...over and over.

I think support is really important - SR is great for that, and face to face support like AA helps too.

Welcome aboard!
D