Tally

I've started seeing a therapist, only had a couple of sessions but I feel they're going well. She's pinpointed the area she feels I need to work on more as "boundaries".

It's occuring to me as I delve into the subconscious that I always pretend everything is OK, so much so that memories become jaded and I actually start to believe the "ok" parts and validate the bad things to make them ok too.

Whilst speaking with my therapist I she said that she can see I push down my expectations and feelings, my wants and needs and she thinks I have the weight problem because of that, that I'm "emotional eating" to compensate, pushing down my needs with food.

I can see that too now, in my head when I want to binge I always think "f*** you* (not it, but "you") and then I eat, I never quite understood who I was saying that too but realise now it was to everyone who'd treated me like I didn't matter. Deep, lol.

Yep, so I don't think I'm liking all this delving stuff. When I think of my childhood I used to remember it fondly but it wasn't always like that.

Why do I have to sugar coat everything? Why do I feel guilty for saying things like they really were?

Even with the therapist, I was talking about my Mum and when she reacted negatively I jumped to her defense and the therapist called me on it...I don't want people thinking badly about my family or me so I pretend everythings perfect but its not.

When I read some of the posts on here, some brutal, honest posts I think "god, I couldn't tell people things like that". Why do I feel the need to pretend everythings ok? Why do I feel shame for things both beyong my control and in my control?

I don't get it but I know someone who does the same thing, my Mum.

There has to be a perfect "front" with my Mum. I always thought she was perfect, but I'm starting to see that alot of my problems stem from how we were brought up and treated and how my parents are, not just with each other but with every aspect.

I always, always felt that my step-father didn't want us around, he was a very strict and verbally and physically abusive sometimes and I always wondered why my Mum let him treat us that way, she didn't see alot of it but she knew. If I said that to either of my parents now they'd laugh and tell me it "wasn't that bad", I get on fine with my Dad now. Maybe it wasn't that bad...I don't really know what is normal.

I've all these thoughts going around my head and I can't sort them out. I've no one to talk to and no one to help me make sense of them.

I keep questioning myself, why have I got an issue with food, why have I got low self esteem, why am I a people pleaser, why do I seek approval, why do I go for addict men....and now it all seems to be pointing to my childhood, what I used to think was a great childhood and I don't want it to be their (my parents) fault and then I think well maybe it isn't, maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame so I don't have to take responsibility for my actions now.

I'm so confused. Does any of this make any sense to anyone?

And another thing...even if I do figure out I have issues...then what, how does figuring them out change the past?

JenT1968

way to go on the therapist, it IS painful, but I've found it worthwhile: some behaviours and ways of viewing myself are deeply entrenched, and they're going to take a while to change. but if I take one behaviour thats relatively recent as an example: I emotionally eat too, I only developed it when pregnant with my first child (7 years ago), before then I had never had any weight isues, never had been on a diet. It was at this point it hit me that H had problems with alcohol, I honestly hadn't seen it before. I'm certainly not blaming him for my behaviour, using food to make me feel better, that's my responsibility, and do you know what? in the grand scheme of things what's the big deal?, I ate more than my body needed, big deal. I was trying to alleviate my pain, using cake to provoke an endorphin rush, big deal. Being "bigger" also had pay-offs for me: I'm 5 foot 2, I was like a twig, I felt less vunerable when I had more weight to throw around. But I had to find out why I was doing it, forgive myself for doing it (I had a huge amount of guilt and shame over getting overweight, not being overweight, but getting that way when I had always been thin, I still hold some of that, I can't bear photos of me even holding my beautiful children, precious moments taht I'll never relive) now that I know why I did it, I can try and look at ways of alleviating pain/not living in situations that I find painful, that don't involve calories.

None of that changes the past, it can't be done, but I can stop being enslaved by it and let things that happened years ago determine my behaviour and sabotage my happiness now.

it IS worth it persevere!

ItsmeAlice

Yes, you are making perfect sense!

Yes to the sugar coating, my family did that with invalidating any negative issues.

Yes to defending how the family is perceived, my folks put public opinion into everything. As if anybody gave a s**t.

Yes to the binge eating. F-them, if XABF could drink himself to death, and family only cares about appearances, I'm going to eat and be fat because it will drive them all nuts. (truth was, the only one who suffered was me)

***

Keep digging in there. It's painful, yes, but it's the way to freedom.

You asked what the point was because the past remains. I wondered the same thing.
I learned that digging up the truth and getting to the root of the problem(s) really does have a cleansing effect. When I started identifying the reasons why I was codependent and why I ate myself sick and why I was miserable inside for so long, I started to see it as past events that I didn't have to repeat. I was needlessly perpetuating the pain of wounds that had long since scabbed over.

By getting at the truth I could open those wounds, flush out what really happened to cause them (rather than the distortion time had given them) and start to heal them in a lasting way.

I still get choked up over some of my past, but I am now able to comfort myself in healthy ways and say "thank God that's over" and keep moving forward.

Best to you!

Alice

Tally

Thank you for the replies.

I see what you mean by cleansing, it does feel good but then at the same time, when it begins to feel "good", I then tell myself I'm just making excuses...that I've been fine for all these years and why bother digging now. Well, I haven't been fine but that's what I tell myself and then I feel like I'm wrong for looking for reasons why I am like I am, that I am like I am because of choices I've made and that it's no one elses fault. Kinda feels like I'm letting myself off the hook.

I know if I told my Mum how I was feeling she would be SO upset. I've always looked up to her and wanted to be like her and it's only these last 6 months or so I've realised that she's a bit of a snob, constantly worries about what people think, she's SO co-dependant it's untrue. She's bitter and unhappy about certain things but blames everyone else and plays the martyr to a tee. She blames my Dad for her life not turning out the way she wanted.

I feel AWFUL even saying those things out loud and I'm wondering why I'm only noticing these things now and I hate that I'm thinking badly of her because I know she loves me and doesn't realise the damage she's done.

I keep remembering little things and they "pop" into place and I'm having lightbulbs going off but not really knowing what the realisations mean or even if I'm making sense.

Like for example, my Mum was moaning about my Dads drinking a few months back, saying she thinks he's developing a problem as he's drinking alot at home and by himself. Then she said "heck, he's probably always had a drinking problem and I've just not realised".
Then I remembered when the exABF first told me he had a drinking problem, he didn't say it was a problem per say, just that he drank alot and every day...I remember at the time I thought "So what, Dad drank alot and that was ok"...So when Mum said that it was like "ping!".

Kassie2

Hi missus! Tough work to do!? Just keeping plugging away with the therapist - hang in there through thick and thin just as you would with your relationships.

The point of looking at the past is to identify patterns and decide which ones you can make a change in or want to make changes in. Just b/c you see a pattern doesn't always mean you have to change it - just take responsibility for it.

Another point of looking at the past in the present - is to learn how to separate the two different points of time and allow the distance and changes of time exist. In other words, just b/c you had an experience in the past doesn't mean it has to happen in the present. We cannot control what happened in the past - but we can control the present.

I am also in therapy and come home many times feeling so confused and having many mixed emotions. I journal the stuff and think about it later when I have had some time to live with it. I often feel like commenting here and occassionally do the same when there is question that can elicit feedback.

FindingPeace1

Missus- You sound like you are ON TRACK!
Such great, great realizations!
Painful, yes, but to change and grow we must first REALLY SEE and it sounds like you are beginning to be honest with yourself.
That's deep and honorable and courageous.

Thanks for being a great role model.
Hugs,
w

Spiritual Seeker

nothing changes the past... we grow , we move on, we change, we forgive,
we decide to be different, we break the cycle, we gain introspection, when we know
better we do better.
Don't linger in the past...it robs you of today.

Gold

You are doing some great work and yes your post makes alot of sense.

You have identified that although on one level your childhood was okay there was also verbal and physical violence. Now thats huge! Acknowlegding what we had internalised though denial to be okay actually was not okay.

This is explored really nicely in the book "Women who love too much"

I wouldn't expect to make too much sense of your realisations all at once. Remember it took years of condition to establich the patterns within so may take a bit of repeated questioning and exploring to undo.

You are doing great