How can I keep the alcoholic in my life
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
How can I keep the alcoholic in my life
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to envision myself without the woman of my dreams....who is also a recovering alcoholic...just past her first 12 months.
Everything between us is spot on, our humor, our life expectations, our goals, our wants.
Yet some minor character flaws get in the way...selfish, denial, anger, completely oblivious to the things that are don for her. Yet she says all the right things at all the right times. I think that is called 'manipulation' right?
She has my heart, my soul, my committment....how do I keep her in my life?
She says that she has a hard time trusting me...I got upset with her because I felt like I was being taken for granted and gave her no choice but to move out of my house and back into her mothers. She states to me that she didn't ever expect to be here in her life. She is mad that she is back at her mothers house, she can't trust me because I put her back at her mothers house.
It's my fault now...no matter how the conversation goes...it's my fault. And I am starting to believe it.
Yes I have been to Al-Anon, and even a couple of AA meetings, and even started personal counseling. All trying to keep this woman in my life...WTH am I doing?
I don't mention her recovery in our converstaions, but it does come up here and again.
Oh and by the way, we have been together for 7 months.
Thanks.
Everything between us is spot on, our humor, our life expectations, our goals, our wants.
Yet some minor character flaws get in the way...selfish, denial, anger, completely oblivious to the things that are don for her. Yet she says all the right things at all the right times. I think that is called 'manipulation' right?
She has my heart, my soul, my committment....how do I keep her in my life?
She says that she has a hard time trusting me...I got upset with her because I felt like I was being taken for granted and gave her no choice but to move out of my house and back into her mothers. She states to me that she didn't ever expect to be here in her life. She is mad that she is back at her mothers house, she can't trust me because I put her back at her mothers house.
It's my fault now...no matter how the conversation goes...it's my fault. And I am starting to believe it.
Yes I have been to Al-Anon, and even a couple of AA meetings, and even started personal counseling. All trying to keep this woman in my life...WTH am I doing?
I don't mention her recovery in our converstaions, but it does come up here and again.
Oh and by the way, we have been together for 7 months.
Thanks.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
We are glad you found us. You will find lots of support for yourself here and tons of useful information.
This is from your post:
She states to me that she didn't ever expect to be here in her life. She is mad that she is back at her mothers house, she can't trust me because I put her back at her mothers house.
Based on my experience (recovering alcoholic and recovering co-dependent), the first part about expectations is normal as long as she realizes that her past behaviors are the reason she is in her current circumstances. Anger is normal and can be healthy if it causes us to take action for a better future.
However, the last part about you putting her back into her mother's house is blame-shifting.
She is back at her mother's house because of her actions (according to your post).
In my recovery, I have a hard time pointing my finger at others and saying you are wrong because x, y and z. Each time I try that, I realize there are three other fingers pointing back at ME and I need to own my part of the situation. When I get angry, it is usally with myself because I accepted an unhealthy situation.
When I began my recovery from living with an active alcoholic and living my life codependent, I had to put down the magnifying glass that I kept in front of my face. I was micro-managing everyone else's life but my own. I had to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror and look at myself. The answers to a healthy life filled with respect, peace and love are within.
Good on you for taking steps to be a better YOU. Counseling, Alanon and SR are for you. We're here to support you on your journey of recovery.
We are glad you found us. You will find lots of support for yourself here and tons of useful information.
This is from your post:
She states to me that she didn't ever expect to be here in her life. She is mad that she is back at her mothers house, she can't trust me because I put her back at her mothers house.
Based on my experience (recovering alcoholic and recovering co-dependent), the first part about expectations is normal as long as she realizes that her past behaviors are the reason she is in her current circumstances. Anger is normal and can be healthy if it causes us to take action for a better future.
However, the last part about you putting her back into her mother's house is blame-shifting.
She is back at her mother's house because of her actions (according to your post).
In my recovery, I have a hard time pointing my finger at others and saying you are wrong because x, y and z. Each time I try that, I realize there are three other fingers pointing back at ME and I need to own my part of the situation. When I get angry, it is usally with myself because I accepted an unhealthy situation.
When I began my recovery from living with an active alcoholic and living my life codependent, I had to put down the magnifying glass that I kept in front of my face. I was micro-managing everyone else's life but my own. I had to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror and look at myself. The answers to a healthy life filled with respect, peace and love are within.
Good on you for taking steps to be a better YOU. Counseling, Alanon and SR are for you. We're here to support you on your journey of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I'm sure there will be more comments from experienced people here but I wanted to comment on the *woman of your dreams.* It reminds me of what I've been sorting through. As you listen to your gut, and what is bothering you deep inside, compare what you observe in her now to the potential you believe she is or will become. I found that most of the *potential* is what I was holding onto, and also what was clouding my judgment. In essence, I was holding onto a dream. Reality is much different, and reality (the now) is what I should be focused on. That realization has helped me be much clearer with what I am dealing with, and what I am willing to do or put up with.
I was reading an earlier post that speaks of this more clearly but couldn't remember which one it is. Maybe this will be helpful to you.
(keep posting) ((hugs)) to you.
I was reading an earlier post that speaks of this more clearly but couldn't remember which one it is. Maybe this will be helpful to you.
(keep posting) ((hugs)) to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Houston
Posts: 19
So are you saying that you got together with this woman early in her sobriety? She has a year and you've been together for 7 months?
In my experience and from getting information from these boards and meetings, getting involved with someone early in recovery is discouraged because of behavior like you've described. The recovering alcoholic is only just beginning to get to know themselves and their feelings. Yet, they are still going to have a lot of the same behaviors and attitudes they had when they were drinking.
While she may, in time, be able to participate in a relationship with you, the first thing she needs to work on is herself. Her relationship with herself and her recovery should be her priorities. Having you there cheering her on and giving her loving support will help her, but you have to let go of expections that she's going to act like a rational, healthy person and have a whole lot to give you.
I don't mean to come across as harsh and I'm not saying that it can't work. Just that it will take time and a lot of effort on both parts. Keep working on yourself and good luck.
In my experience and from getting information from these boards and meetings, getting involved with someone early in recovery is discouraged because of behavior like you've described. The recovering alcoholic is only just beginning to get to know themselves and their feelings. Yet, they are still going to have a lot of the same behaviors and attitudes they had when they were drinking.
While she may, in time, be able to participate in a relationship with you, the first thing she needs to work on is herself. Her relationship with herself and her recovery should be her priorities. Having you there cheering her on and giving her loving support will help her, but you have to let go of expections that she's going to act like a rational, healthy person and have a whole lot to give you.
I don't mean to come across as harsh and I'm not saying that it can't work. Just that it will take time and a lot of effort on both parts. Keep working on yourself and good luck.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
If your question truly is how can you keep the alcoholic in your life, well, the way to do that is to just keep quiet and let her do her thing and you just live with it. Voila! You get to keep the alcoholic.
However, if your question is how can you be happy with the alcoholic in your life, well, the answer to that is you can't. At least, not as long as she is an active alcoholic and you have a problem with it. Something's got to give and since you can only control yourself, you have to decide whether to live with what you have now, or leave.
You can't make her stop drinking. You can't control her drinking. You can only control what you are willing to live with. It sucks, I know, but that's just the way it is.
However, if your question is how can you be happy with the alcoholic in your life, well, the answer to that is you can't. At least, not as long as she is an active alcoholic and you have a problem with it. Something's got to give and since you can only control yourself, you have to decide whether to live with what you have now, or leave.
You can't make her stop drinking. You can't control her drinking. You can only control what you are willing to live with. It sucks, I know, but that's just the way it is.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by squishyface 
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to envision myself without the woman of my dreams....who is also a recovering alcoholic...just past her first 12 months.
Jme, the 'woman of my dreams' was in fact, just that. A dream, a fantasy. My fantasy exclusively.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2411215
I saved this post as a document, have seen a few posts here that directly address this subject, some of them are stickied in 'Classic Reading' at the top of this forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
They always want to blame something or someone for their circumstances. She is back at her moms because of HER actions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all blame someone for our bad behavior. No, I believe I would only have myself to blame if I was living somewhere I did not want to live and it would be up to me to change my situation. Do not take the bait.
welcome
welcome
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by suki44883
If your question truly is how can you keep the alcoholic in your life, well, the way to do that is to just keep quiet and let her do her thing and you just live with it. Voila! You get to keep the alcoholic.
.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I will second that "right on the nail" answer from Suki!
By the way, please take her off the "dream woman" list, it is too much pressure for any woman, let alone a fragile A still recovering.
Do not be surprised at anything she may, or may not, do or say in future, as she IS an alcoholic whether in recovery or not.
You don't get temporary or honorary alcoholism, it is forever.
That is the s**t part of the whole thing for me. Not like measles or flu, and "hey look, no spots" or the sneezing stops.
Perhaps concentrating on you may take the light off her and would be good for you both right now.
God bless
By the way, please take her off the "dream woman" list, it is too much pressure for any woman, let alone a fragile A still recovering.
Do not be surprised at anything she may, or may not, do or say in future, as she IS an alcoholic whether in recovery or not.
You don't get temporary or honorary alcoholism, it is forever.
That is the s**t part of the whole thing for me. Not like measles or flu, and "hey look, no spots" or the sneezing stops.
Perhaps concentrating on you may take the light off her and would be good for you both right now.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
wow everyone, thanks for the input. Keep it coming please. What I am gathering is pretty much what I already expected to hear.
1. Whether or not in recovery....this will not go away.
2. Recovery is first...before family.
3. let her focus on her...and us second.
4. Unpredictable behavior is expected.
We have agreed to do couples counseling, and she plans on entering her own sessions as well. Our overall demeanor towards eachother is really good. However she feels as though she cannot trust me. Now I understand why. And she is still very reluctant to let me in. I guess that is her realizing that she needs to do this for herself. And I am just a potential mate.
Please, keep the advice coming. Everything will help I swear. I am learning so much.
someone mentioned that how could she be the girl of my dreams with all these problems and character flaws. Well, have you ever been given a blank sheet of paper and told to draw something? Once you're done you find yourself erasing things and making changes? Well she came into my life a blank piece of paper, and I wouldn't change a thing about her...not at all. Character flaws and all.
I am not even close to being perfect...why would I expect her to be?
1. Whether or not in recovery....this will not go away.
2. Recovery is first...before family.
3. let her focus on her...and us second.
4. Unpredictable behavior is expected.
We have agreed to do couples counseling, and she plans on entering her own sessions as well. Our overall demeanor towards eachother is really good. However she feels as though she cannot trust me. Now I understand why. And she is still very reluctant to let me in. I guess that is her realizing that she needs to do this for herself. And I am just a potential mate.
Please, keep the advice coming. Everything will help I swear. I am learning so much.
someone mentioned that how could she be the girl of my dreams with all these problems and character flaws. Well, have you ever been given a blank sheet of paper and told to draw something? Once you're done you find yourself erasing things and making changes? Well she came into my life a blank piece of paper, and I wouldn't change a thing about her...not at all. Character flaws and all.
I am not even close to being perfect...why would I expect her to be?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I was in the same situation as you with my exAGF.....tried everything, including therapy together. Then I detached, went no contact, and she never bothered with recovery, in fact, she continued drinking......so bear in mind, that could happen as well. She too was a manipulative liar.....
I gave up. Much happier now. I can't describe how much better life is without having that mess in it.
I gave up. Much happier now. I can't describe how much better life is without having that mess in it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I "second" what Anvil said above and would like to add: Your current perspective is an extreme, i.e., "the woman of my dreams." It is healthier to strive for balance in life so, like a few others have already posted, try to have a more realistic picture of who this person REALLY is. I am willing to bet she is not as black and white as you may see her, either all good or all bad. I am also willing to bet that she is NOT the "woman of your dreams," otherwise you would not be posting here (Probably NO ONE can meet that expectation that you have of her).
One way of getting a healthier picture of others is to see yourSELF more clearly. In what ways are you a perfectionist? an idealist? Shift your focus away from what SHE is doing onto what YOU are doing. Go to al-anon, work on those things you discover about yourself. Whatever energy you would have otherwise put forth to "fix" her, put forth to "fix" yourself.
One way of getting a healthier picture of others is to see yourSELF more clearly. In what ways are you a perfectionist? an idealist? Shift your focus away from what SHE is doing onto what YOU are doing. Go to al-anon, work on those things you discover about yourself. Whatever energy you would have otherwise put forth to "fix" her, put forth to "fix" yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I am going to weigh in from a different place.
Infatuation happens and last for a period of 6 to 9 months. We all know this, the "ooh, I even love the way he/she picks her teeth with her fingernail." This is chemical, it simply IS, for all of us humans. It is but the beginning of mature love. I suspect that you will begin to see some of her behaviors a little differently as that stage continues to run its course and leave your relationship.
"Yet some minor character flaws get in the way...selfish, denial, anger, completely oblivious to the things that are done for her."
These sound like pretty big character flaws. You are correct in that you have "flaws" too, and you would not expect someone to be perfect. Assessing whether or not these ones of hers are something you can live with or not, is your goal, and your right. Minimizing them as "minor" and comparing her flaws to yours may be a way that you are keeping yourself in this relationship, when their may be a voice inside telling you otherwise.
I would be concerned that her recovery is not on the front burner of her life. I think all you can do is watch, wait, and work on your own self.
Infatuation happens and last for a period of 6 to 9 months. We all know this, the "ooh, I even love the way he/she picks her teeth with her fingernail." This is chemical, it simply IS, for all of us humans. It is but the beginning of mature love. I suspect that you will begin to see some of her behaviors a little differently as that stage continues to run its course and leave your relationship.
"Yet some minor character flaws get in the way...selfish, denial, anger, completely oblivious to the things that are done for her."
These sound like pretty big character flaws. You are correct in that you have "flaws" too, and you would not expect someone to be perfect. Assessing whether or not these ones of hers are something you can live with or not, is your goal, and your right. Minimizing them as "minor" and comparing her flaws to yours may be a way that you are keeping yourself in this relationship, when their may be a voice inside telling you otherwise.
I would be concerned that her recovery is not on the front burner of her life. I think all you can do is watch, wait, and work on your own self.
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