Anger and how to deal with it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 1
Anger and how to deal with it
My husband is in rehab for the fourth time. His drinking has gotten progressively worse after each relapse just like we were told in counseling. Our relationship is rock bottom at this point and when he walked into rehab this time he told me he'd see me when he sees me, and that he was telling the counselors there not to expect me because we're going through a rough time and it's best if we're apart. Lately, when he comes home so drunk that he's been falling asleep at the bars or at a private dinner at a nice restaurant with 30 people we know, I can't look at him in any other way but with disgust and I know it shows on my face and he sees it. How can I just get over the anger and anxiety? I don't think my marriage will be healed this time but maybe I can be healed. I've gone to Al Anon but not on a regular basis. I just don't seem to find what I'm looking for there. I'm just looking for peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 35
You are probably grieving the many losses - your marriage, the dream of what your life would be like, etc. Your anger is natural. In time, it will turn to compassion for your AH. He does not mena to embarrass you. He is trapped by the disease. I am divorcing my AW. I have a lot of compassion for her, but I'm not willing to continue down this path any more. I have found peace in Alanon - the Serenity prayer has helped tremendously - we truly can only change ourselves, not others.
Best wishes - find something (alanon), or someone (therapist) who can help you through the grieving process. It does get better. I have sole custody of our 4 little girls and demanding job, but I couldn't be happier - no crazy situations, no drinking and driving. It's different that I expected, but it is satisfying.
You will find peace, but you must give yourself some time to heal emotionally.
Best wishes - find something (alanon), or someone (therapist) who can help you through the grieving process. It does get better. I have sole custody of our 4 little girls and demanding job, but I couldn't be happier - no crazy situations, no drinking and driving. It's different that I expected, but it is satisfying.
You will find peace, but you must give yourself some time to heal emotionally.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time! Please know that we can all relate.
I have just had another one of my anger phases after several weeks of peace. I was angry not just at all the things that were going on, but also started getting angry at myself for being angry (not being able to just let go and find peace again). So, I know what it's like to just want to shake that emotion off. Unfortunately, as far as my experience goes, I don't think it's that easy. It takes patience and work - I think our emotions are there for a reason and they are sending us important messages. So, for me key is to look at and identify the things that create all that anger in me and then try to figure out how I can change myself/ my reactions towards my environment. Once I accept that it's ok to have an emotion, am able to look at the causes and work through them, I can find peace again.
So some of the questions you could ask yourself are (and you don't have to answer them here): What specifically are you angry about - what causes your anxiety? What are things that YOU HAVE CONTROL over that you can change? (i.e. I'm angry over my AH's drinking. I know that I have no control over HIM and can not stop him from drinking, BUT I do have control over how I react to my environment and thus can change my reactions towards him).
AlAnon, while I think is a great resource, is not necessarily for everyone. I, for example, can work much better through my issues one-on-one with a counselor, and then use the teachings of AlAnon as a support.
I have just had another one of my anger phases after several weeks of peace. I was angry not just at all the things that were going on, but also started getting angry at myself for being angry (not being able to just let go and find peace again). So, I know what it's like to just want to shake that emotion off. Unfortunately, as far as my experience goes, I don't think it's that easy. It takes patience and work - I think our emotions are there for a reason and they are sending us important messages. So, for me key is to look at and identify the things that create all that anger in me and then try to figure out how I can change myself/ my reactions towards my environment. Once I accept that it's ok to have an emotion, am able to look at the causes and work through them, I can find peace again.
So some of the questions you could ask yourself are (and you don't have to answer them here): What specifically are you angry about - what causes your anxiety? What are things that YOU HAVE CONTROL over that you can change? (i.e. I'm angry over my AH's drinking. I know that I have no control over HIM and can not stop him from drinking, BUT I do have control over how I react to my environment and thus can change my reactions towards him).
AlAnon, while I think is a great resource, is not necessarily for everyone. I, for example, can work much better through my issues one-on-one with a counselor, and then use the teachings of AlAnon as a support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Welcome to SR
As women we are socialised not to be angry, it is unladylike and offensive. So feeling angry is confusing sometimes. We dont want to be percieved as B*tches, shrews, selfish or unfeminine.
I think there is nothing wrong with feeling angry as it signifies a problem. It exists for a reason and deserves our respect and attention. It is a message we are being hurt, our needs or wants are not being met or that we are not addressing importnat issues in our life.
Venting and expressing anger is not always constructive though.
Some useful questions when feeling angry include:
What am i really angry about?
How can I sort out who is repsonsible for what?
How can I express my anger without becoming helpless or powerless?
When angry how can i communicate clearly?
What risks and losses might i face if I become clearer and more assertive?
To me your post is quite clear on what you are angry about. You say you think your marriage is beyond healing. What do you think youare going to do? If Al Anon is not for you is individual counselling an option? There is lots of usefulinformation here on SR to read.
Again welcome.
As women we are socialised not to be angry, it is unladylike and offensive. So feeling angry is confusing sometimes. We dont want to be percieved as B*tches, shrews, selfish or unfeminine.
I think there is nothing wrong with feeling angry as it signifies a problem. It exists for a reason and deserves our respect and attention. It is a message we are being hurt, our needs or wants are not being met or that we are not addressing importnat issues in our life.
Venting and expressing anger is not always constructive though.
Some useful questions when feeling angry include:
What am i really angry about?
How can I sort out who is repsonsible for what?
How can I express my anger without becoming helpless or powerless?
When angry how can i communicate clearly?
What risks and losses might i face if I become clearer and more assertive?
To me your post is quite clear on what you are angry about. You say you think your marriage is beyond healing. What do you think youare going to do? If Al Anon is not for you is individual counselling an option? There is lots of usefulinformation here on SR to read.
Again welcome.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. Reading through the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum has always given me just what I am looking for during my recovery journey. It helps to read other's stories, realize I am not alone, and learn from their experience.
I like the serenity prayer and have used it in my personal as well as professional life. It helped me when I personalized it a bit:
Grant me the serenity to
accept the the things I can not change (people, places, things)
courage to
change the things I can ( me, myself, and I)
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alanon is a helpful tool in recovery from living with alcoholism. There are other paths to recovery that include counseling and self-help books. Choose your path and embrace your recovery. You are worth the effort!
You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. Reading through the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum has always given me just what I am looking for during my recovery journey. It helps to read other's stories, realize I am not alone, and learn from their experience.
I like the serenity prayer and have used it in my personal as well as professional life. It helped me when I personalized it a bit:
Grant me the serenity to
accept the the things I can not change (people, places, things)
courage to
change the things I can ( me, myself, and I)
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Alanon is a helpful tool in recovery from living with alcoholism. There are other paths to recovery that include counseling and self-help books. Choose your path and embrace your recovery. You are worth the effort!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Turn that angry energy into positive motion. Work on yourself, physically and mentally. Work towards that peace you crave, however you need to do it.
Anger save my life in many ways, without it I wouldn't have had the energy to get out.
Anger save my life in many ways, without it I wouldn't have had the energy to get out.
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