way2go

Hello.

I'm new here, although have read through the forum many times over the years.

My husband is an addict - started in 2004 with a wide range of prescription pills then moved to opiates. Some periods were worse than others. He finally told both our families he has a problem last March when we went to a wedding in TX and I found his painkillers and flushed them all. He was going through withdrawal and had no choice but to tell them. Since then he has been on suboxone (not always taking it of course and going back to pills) and seeing a therapist weekly. I've also been in therapy weekly for a year.

Many times, I feel like we are on safe ground and feel like I can trust him (when he has been going to therapy and taking his suboxone and we are communicating well), then, like today, I find pills. I don't even know for sure that they are recent, but the past has taught me that my intuition is mostly correct.

This has happened so many times, pretty much once a month since last March, that I wonder if its ever going to stop. On the surface, it seems like he is doing everything "right" and then I find out the truth.

We've been married for 7 years, together for 10. At some point if things don't change, I am going to have to get out of this relationship because I am not getting what I want or deserve from a husband. It's just, when is it time?

My therapist keeps telling me that something in my body and mind will just click and then I will just know its time. Does anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation?

coffeedrinker

i'm sorry you're in this situation. i was married to a quiet and (mostly) kind alcoholic. i think it's a different ballgame when it's drugs, but i am also half in and half out of a relationship with a recovering poly-substance user.

i think when the pain of staying is consistently more than the joy of staying, that's when. when the anxiety, mistrust, unhappiness and worry is too much to bear, you're screaming inside every day, that's when. when you realize that you only have one life and you decide you want to enjoy it, you're worth more than this, you break free.

welcome to s/r.

sis42871

Hello
I wish I knew the answer to that question myself. I have been with my husband for 19 years and he has been taking rx drugs for a few years now, since he had an accident and hurt his back. He has two back surgeries which I thought would help but, seem to fix one problem and create another. He is on medications for depression,bipolar and pain. When he takes them like he should he seems good and I start to trust him, than reality hits and I find him acting different only to find out that he is taking stuff he isn't suppose to and has been lying to me and spending money we don't have on pills and putting us in financial strain. Two days ago I was ready to just call it quits and than he comes around and is remorseful and seems to be trying to get things under control and back on track. Had an MRI this week still waiting on results and have an appt with doctor to see if we can figure out what to do. Have alot invested in this marriage and love him to death but how much is enough?

Spiritual Seeker

Are you happy ?
Is this the life you want...?
There is no dress rehearsal this life goes by day by day....living with an addict is tough stuff.

way2go

Thanks for responding. I definitely never pictured my life like this and don't want my life to be like this forever. I just keep thinking that he is trying so I should be patient.

Then I tell myself that that is exactly what addicts do - take advantage of others so they can continue their lifestyle with the least amount of effort on their part.

I haven't even told him that I found his pills today - I just flushed them. He is going to find out his hiding place is empty pretty soon. I'm hoping that he will know that I found them and have a good talk with me. This sounds passive on my part but I really don't like confrontation.

EverettsWife

Hi way2go!

I could have written your post -- actually, I almost did the other day, except my AH is a methylphenidate/benzo abuser. Uses once a month for a few days, "clean" the rest of the time. Been married 6 years, communicating well in last half-year, etc.

Yet I find pills once in awhile. And my gut tells me when they'll pop up.

And, like coffeedrinker, he's a quiet, mostly kind user. So it's hard, I think, to make that choice about leaving.

Wanted you to know you were heard, and that I could relate. It's been a great help to me to hear similar stories here -- I often felt very alone.

I have listened to others here, and strengthened boundaries I had in place -- plugged up the holes. I no longer ask about "why" this pill or that pill is here -- that gives him less opportunity to lie to me about it being "just some old ones he forgot about or found." I don't care (well, I am trying not to). Any pill, any baggie, etc., means using. If it's there, and he didn't throw it out, he kept it for a reason. I know what the reason is -- I don't have to ask.

And if I don't ask for the lie, I waste less time being angry about the lie. And for me, it's always been the lies that cut me to pieces.

I hope you have a good day today. I really do. :ghug3

Carol Star

When was it time to end things? My XAH became someone I didn't know anymore. He was hanging out with younger guys in the neighborhood and it stopped looking like a family and looked more like a frat house. They were doing pills, growing pot,drinking who knows whatever else. I stayed angry all the time. Then he got a DUI, refused treatment his job demanded, went to jail, lost his job. I was afraid to be linked to him financially . I was getting ready to retire from teaching. He had inherited money but was blowing it fast. He also had a porn addiction I suspect. I just knew when. I loved the potential of who he could of been but not who he really was. When we were first married it was alot different. He didn't worry about his health either which bothered me alot. I am fine now 2 1/2 years poost divorce. I rent a little apt. I have two cats and my 30 yr. old birrd. I have a spiritual and recovery family. My life is guiet and boring and serene. I have a house to sell but I am not worried. A realtor will handle that. Then I will find a permanent home for me and my furry and feathery babies. I am retired but take care of indoor plants with a partime job......no pressure......I will find a house someday........where I can grow my own food and continue my peaceful, boring, serene, no chaos life. You will be 51% fedup and you will know when. My therapist said my integrity got me out. Let go or be dragged. You will know. I think you are getting there.

ninja

For me it was sitting in a very expensive restaurant looking at his stoned face and begging him not to lie to me about it. He finally admitted he had been adding ativan to his methadone for months. We had already ordered a huge expensive meal and I felt sick. I thought I was trapped in this restaurant with him because we had ordered and I didn't want to make anyone mad! Pivital moment! I suddenly realized that my happiness was in my own control and called the waiter and cancelled the meal. I then cancelled the relationship. It's been a month now and life is much more serene.

suki44883

Saying this as gently as possible...You end things when you have had enough. It might sound cliche, but it's true...you will know when you have had enough. You won't necessarily be angry, you will just know.

My story comes from the other side...the alcoholic side. Had I had enough of drinking when I got a DWI? No. Had I had enough when my daughter told me she knew I was drunk when I came to her school choir program? No. Had I had enough when I was sick and tired of waking up every morning feeling like crap and still having to go to work? No. I had enough one night when it just suddenly dawned on me that I was once again sitting at my computer, chatting with folks I didn't even really know or especially like, and drinking one beer after another, losing track of time and looking at the clock to realize it was almost 3am and I had to get up for work at 6:30. Something inside me just said, I've had enough. I looked online for a local medical detox facility and called them to arrange for admittance. Sent an email to my work telling them I had an alcohol problem and was going to check myself into a detox facility. Called a good friend who got out of bed and drove across town to take me to the facility and I checked myself in. That was it. I just knew. It wasn't some huge revelation. They skies didn't open up and no trumpets blew. I just knew.

That's why I say, you'll know when you've had enough.

I wish for you a life of peace and contentment.

JuneBug

Hi Waytogo
I am in the same position as you, when does it end, when is enough really enough. I know I deserve a husband who will love, cherish and be my friend and right now I am caught between the person who "seems" to be trying and the person that really is there.

Like you said your intution is normally wise, listen to it and you'l know what to do. Someone on hear said something that made perfect sense to me and I tell myself it every day "when the pain of leaving is nothing compared to the pain of staying"

Know that you are amoung friends.

Hunny1116

That is exactly what happened to me. After being married to my XAH for 8 years, I went to work one day and just started to cry. I couldn't stop and had to go home. I sat in my backyard and thought, "If I live this way until I'm 65, I will have wasted my life, and I can't get it back." When he came home, I told him calmly that I was leaving and never went back. I knew I had had enough...

After being single for 10 years, I met my soulmate. We have been happily married for 15 years. My ex passed away 2 years ago from a drug overdose. I was so sad for him.....

Life is short, and the older you get, the shorter and more precious it is. I have never regreted my decision. I knew it was time....

way2go

Thank you so much to everyone that responded. It's extremely affirming to read that others have been or are in my situation.

To those that left your relationships (Carol Star, ninja and Hunny1116): Did you have that feeling of "just knowing" more than once and didn't necessarily leave the first time you had the realization?

Part of my indecision is that I've had that feeling 4 or 5 times over the last few years. There would be days when I would tell my therapist I am leaving for sure and we would come up with a plan (tell him in a public place, pack before you tell him, have cab waiting outside, etc.) and then not follow through. It's kind of become something that I don't like about myself - I feel like I'm not brave enough or something.

I really like the advice of not asking why or for an explanation of how long he's been slipping. Thinking that I was fooled for weeks into thinking we had a healthy relationship really gets to me. That and not believing anything he says anyway, so why ask. But I still feel the need to talk about it with him.

I hope everyone had a good weekend!

teke

welcome

EverettsWife

Me, too! It's a big part of what really gets to me -- I still feel a need to talk about it -- I push that need away as often as I can. He's likely to lie -- I don't need more lies. I know he was using -- that's all I need to know, really. If the disease were different -- if it didn't mess with his thinking -- those discussions might matter more.

I never pictured my life this way, either. It sure helps me to hear there are other people who are struggling with these feelings. I'm sorry so many of us are, though!

PS way2go -- nice avatar!

Teggie

Instead of focusing on whether to leave or not, how about focusing on you and determining why you feel the way you do and emoitionally detaching yourself from him to see what happens?

Read alot here, go find a alanon or naranon and attend some meetings. Learn some tools to help you cope.

When YOU are ready, the answer will become clear. I say this because I know, I would kick him out only to cave later, a viscious cycle that went on and on until I learned enough to stop it.

Hugs,
Teggie

dreamin143

Just wanted to wish you well with your decision, whatever it may be. Best of luck to you and your family.

coffeedrinker

I did leave my marriage, after 18 years. I too had stretches of time (days, weeks) where I was convinced that I was done, and just had to tell him, to only go back and try again. I thought that with loving acceptance, I could live my life and find fufillment in other things (which I did) and not look for happiness in my spouse. I realized at one point that I was finding reasons to not come home, and that I knew I felt worse in my own home, when he was there, than when he was not. Also, two vacations we took: I enjoyed myself when I was with my daughters and he was not with us (like the time he said "I think I meander to the other resort and go to the casino if that's ok? and the girls and I had a really nice dinner on the beach w/out him)
When he was around, the dynamic would shift, he would do things that really got to me (either on purpose or not) and I felt bogged down by that codependent trying to fix the situation thing, like I was being pulled under by the undertow and it was almost too powerful to fight. Anyway, the turning point, from wishy-washy-kind-of-mostly decision to REAL decision, followed by action. I'm guessing that it took about two years from the one vacation when I KNEW to actually telling him I wanted a divorce. But that's just what it took me. If it was super-duper awful, overt abuse, I probably wouldn't have lasted that long. I always wondered if my girls would be better off or worse. Intact family with dysfunction versus broken home and less income.

Anyway, at that turning point, the first bad vacation, when I knew, I never didn't know again. When a last straw situation came up, and I told him, I never, ever, ever second-guessed that decision.

IamSaved

What everyone here says is true. When it's time, you just know. The 'I've had enough of your crap' lever will go into overdrive.

I left my ABF last month. We have had NC since I moved out. It was SO hard. I felt like I had abandoned him with all his demons and alcoholism. Who would watch over him and make sure he didn't drink too much? How could I leave him when he needed me?

Truth is, he didn't need me. I needed to THINK he needed me to monitor his behavior. I was more worried about him, than I was about myself.

Carol Star, I love your post, because it describes my life now. In a very short time, I went from living in chaos, to living in my own little apt where peace and serenity surround me. I know it's only been a month, but the sun is shining brighter everyday. I see that I was not responsible for him, and his path to take is his own!

It was hard to leave, but he was destroying me. He was killing my joy, my love, my happiness. He isolated me from people I loved, because I was constantly hiding his addiction.

I like my quiet, boring life. It beats the madness anytime.

You will know when you know. And once you take the leap of faith, and leave the addict to his/her own devices, you reclaim your life. FREEDOM!

Hunny1116

(((Way)))

I threatened many times to leave over the years, left for a day and came back, left for a few days and came back....always after many apologies and promises that "things would change, get better, not happen again, etc." Of course, "if nothing changes, nothing changes."

Same here. I don't know why it was different that day. It's true what they say, "something just clicked".....and, looking back, it didn't have anything to do with courage. It didn't take any more courage to leave than it takes for a person who is suffocating to breathe.