Kind_Not_Weak

Oh yeah... I most certainly did.

After virtually no contact for weeks, even on my birthday, there was a little back and forth emailing. Then, he spoke on the phone. It was light hearted and fine, just conversation between lifelong friends. I'm thinking "Hey! Look at this! This is a good thing! See? We can still be friends! Woohoo!" Then he says...

"I love you, Kelly."

It was like the air was sucked out of the room. I was sitting at my desk and I was in shock. These were not the words I was expecting to hear. Not at all. Before I knew it, this quiet little voice came out of me and said...

"Really?"

Needless to say, he said "Yes, I do. I don't understand you, but I do." I replied "That's not true, you do understand me." His reply, the part that blew away the last of my serenity...

"You're right. I do understand you, it's me I don't understand. But I'm trying, Kelly. I'm trying."

I was elated. I was disgusted. I was reminded that he's the love of my life. I was confused.

This morning, I called him... no answer. I emailed him... no response.

He surfaced, got what he wanted, and disappeared again. It alarmed me how quickly I fell back into it... it was instant. I heard his voice and all the good feelings came back. I miss him so.

I don't want to live like this. I deserve better than this. I deserve to have someone not just tell me they love me... but that acts that way, too. I'm not beating myself up for talking to him, because my reaction and responses were honest and heartfelt. I just wish I had saved them for someone who deserves them.

I do hope he finds a way out of alcoholism, he deserves that. I just hope I can find a way to really let him go, let the dream of us go, so I can honestly move into my future with a smile on my face. I really do.

BeautifulG

(((klm)))

i so understand where you are at! i feel the same way. i hear his voice and all the love i felt floods back in. any sign of progress sends me over the edge. i'm getting better but its such a struggle not to fall back into the same old patterns.

1234

That sounds so hard, klm. So sad.

Well, I can tell you one thing I know for sure - a whole lot of people around here managed to let go, and managed to do it with grace and love. So there's just got to be a way for the rest of us who are still struggling, right?

Be kind to yourself,
1234

ChildrenB4AW

Kelly - we all fall for it more times than we'd like to admit, but that's human nature. We so want to beleive that it's a sign that they've turned the corner and we are on our way - to live the dream that we have for our relationship. My AW is very good at doing exactly what she wants - drinks excessively/denies it, drives the children when drunk, blames me for her unhappiness, and then when the cycle is over she goes back to her "normal" state. For 3+ years, I bought it every time. After the car accident, she went to jail, rehab for 3 months, halfway house for 9 more, and then she came home. I thought she might have some lapses as she struggled with her sobriety, but surely, she would not get in the car with our children again after drinking. Well she continued to do just that. I don't blame her, I blame me. She has an illness that prevents her from seeing reality and the damage that her behavior causes.

It's great that you can catch yourself quickly after getting sucked back in. Stay focused, and put the dream away. Let him work on himself, you work on getting healthy again and see if you want to work it out with him down the road.


Best Wishes

sosad09

I did it today. He called me at work yesterday at work because I no longer answer the cell and than tonight he sent messages remembering walks in the park, first kiss blah blah blah and I fell for it and than suddenly he was worried that it was getting late for. Was it that it was late for me or was it time for Happy hour?

Kind_Not_Weak

Thank you all for your kind words... I am so grateful I stumbled across this website.

These are the words I will be thinking of as I fall asleep tonight:

Thank you. It's the simple reminders that usually calm it all down.

Pelican

One of the 12 step slogans: "Progress not perfection"

That slogan helps me to forgive myself and remember that I am progressing in my recovery. My recovery will take as long as it takes and I will learn from my mistakes. I seem to be one of those students of life that has to get it wrong before I can get it right. C'est La Vie!

Someone gave me the illustration of forward motion in recovery looking like this:

Circles that keep moving upward.
Looks like a cyclone (twister). I swing wide to the right avoiding trouble, then I stand strong and leap ahead, next I relax a little to the left and before I know it I am slipping backwards. I look for the lesson in my backslide, forgive myself and swing wide to the right avoiding trouble, etc. Progress not perfection.

Elsie

I am where you are too. It's REALLY hard.

I was doing good, so good. Then his Father passed away and a medical issue of his came back. I felt so awful for him. So, being human and feeling compassion for the man who I still considered my friend and who just lost a parent, I was a friend to him. I expressed my concern, and gave my condolences, and asked to be let know that he was doing ok, and asked to be let know that his flight arrived safely etc.

He misconstrued all of it. I started getting emails about how it's he misses me. How he's doing so much better (he's on day 10 of sobriety) and how he can't wait to tell me and then show me all the ways he's improving.
He even went so far as to tell me he loved me.

Last night he sent one that said he will always love and cherish me.

It kills me!

I understand exactly where you're coming from!