Relationship with a recovering alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1
Relationship with a recovering alcoholic
Hi guys,
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for a year now. He has been sober for 4 years, and I am his first serious relationship since then. About a month ago we were fighting a lot, and in talking to my mother about it I realized that she was really worried about me being in this relationship. Things are fine between me and my boyfriend now, but I am still wondering about what my mother said in that conversation.
Her main issue was that practically all of the men in our family (my father, both my uncles, my mother's new husband) are alcoholics or addicts. She is worried that I am falling into the same pattern as she and my aunts by dating my bf. She says that even though he is not drinking, I will always have to live with the possibility that he will start again. She also says that even when sober, addicts have personality characteristics such as selfishness and depression that are just bad for relationships. She is worried that I will repeat her mistakes and be unhappy if I end up marrying him.
I found the conversation disturbing and now I don't know what to do. On the one hand, my bf does show depressive and selfish traits sometimes. However I do not think that he is any more depressive or selfish than any of the non-addicts I have dated. Our relationship can be pretty dramatic sometimes, but in good ways as well as bad. I have a lot of fears of ending up with a guy like my father so my mom's comments really hit a nerve. My bf has never exhibited the kind of scary behavior that my dad did, although both me and him (my bf) have a snap temper.
What do you guys think about this? Am I doomed for an unhappy codependent/addict relationship spiral if I stay with this guy? Do any of you have examples of that either a) happening despite your best intentions or b) NOT happening and turning out great? Should I try to seek counseling or couples therapy to make sure we are on the right track? How can I tell if this relationship is a healthy one with a good future?
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for a year now. He has been sober for 4 years, and I am his first serious relationship since then. About a month ago we were fighting a lot, and in talking to my mother about it I realized that she was really worried about me being in this relationship. Things are fine between me and my boyfriend now, but I am still wondering about what my mother said in that conversation.
Her main issue was that practically all of the men in our family (my father, both my uncles, my mother's new husband) are alcoholics or addicts. She is worried that I am falling into the same pattern as she and my aunts by dating my bf. She says that even though he is not drinking, I will always have to live with the possibility that he will start again. She also says that even when sober, addicts have personality characteristics such as selfishness and depression that are just bad for relationships. She is worried that I will repeat her mistakes and be unhappy if I end up marrying him.
I found the conversation disturbing and now I don't know what to do. On the one hand, my bf does show depressive and selfish traits sometimes. However I do not think that he is any more depressive or selfish than any of the non-addicts I have dated. Our relationship can be pretty dramatic sometimes, but in good ways as well as bad. I have a lot of fears of ending up with a guy like my father so my mom's comments really hit a nerve. My bf has never exhibited the kind of scary behavior that my dad did, although both me and him (my bf) have a snap temper.
What do you guys think about this? Am I doomed for an unhappy codependent/addict relationship spiral if I stay with this guy? Do any of you have examples of that either a) happening despite your best intentions or b) NOT happening and turning out great? Should I try to seek counseling or couples therapy to make sure we are on the right track? How can I tell if this relationship is a healthy one with a good future?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I don't have all the answers for you. I can suggest that you take steps to prevent yourself from being the codie (codependent) in your relationship by learning about codependency. Learn about it for yourself. The knowledge you gain can help you catch yourself if you begin to become obsessed with his behavior. I recommend Melody Beatties books on codependency.
Open AA meetings may help you understand what recovery looks like for other alcoholics.
Make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
I don't have all the answers for you. I can suggest that you take steps to prevent yourself from being the codie (codependent) in your relationship by learning about codependency. Learn about it for yourself. The knowledge you gain can help you catch yourself if you begin to become obsessed with his behavior. I recommend Melody Beatties books on codependency.
Open AA meetings may help you understand what recovery looks like for other alcoholics.
Make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Personal counseling and couples counseling are always good things, in my book. If you both have anger issues, and find yourselves "fighting a lot," and if he's already displaying selfish, damaging behaviors NOW -- think of what it will be like twenty years from now, when the honeymoon's way over.
Talking it through now may help you to know if this is a person who is going to be good for you, or if you're just following the patterns that you learned as a young woman. Just because he's "no more selfish than the other guys you've dated" doesn't mean that he's a good choice. Maybe you just haven't chosen well up 'til now, and are still working on that part of you. I don't have any patience with selfish people, myself.
It took me 40 years to quit dating my father - I wish I'd gone to counseling sooner!!
Please stick around and be sure to read the "Sticky" posts up at the top to educate yourself about alcoholics and alcoholism. Lots of good information up there.
Talking it through now may help you to know if this is a person who is going to be good for you, or if you're just following the patterns that you learned as a young woman. Just because he's "no more selfish than the other guys you've dated" doesn't mean that he's a good choice. Maybe you just haven't chosen well up 'til now, and are still working on that part of you. I don't have any patience with selfish people, myself.
It took me 40 years to quit dating my father - I wish I'd gone to counseling sooner!!
Please stick around and be sure to read the "Sticky" posts up at the top to educate yourself about alcoholics and alcoholism. Lots of good information up there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Pixie10,
I think you're really wise to be taking this so seriously.
Pelican and GiveLove gave great advice. I'll add that if you choose to do some couples counseling, you might get an addiction specialist if one is available. Even if you find no red flags in counseling, you can't help but learn some stuff, right? And you'd both be ready to consider counseling as a healthy and safe option for dealing with any challenges you face together later. Good stuff.
Another thought: What does everyone think about Pixie10 asking some trusted/respected friends what they think?
1234
I think you're really wise to be taking this so seriously.
Pelican and GiveLove gave great advice. I'll add that if you choose to do some couples counseling, you might get an addiction specialist if one is available. Even if you find no red flags in counseling, you can't help but learn some stuff, right? And you'd both be ready to consider counseling as a healthy and safe option for dealing with any challenges you face together later. Good stuff.
Another thought: What does everyone think about Pixie10 asking some trusted/respected friends what they think?
1234
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I instinctively married my 1st husband who was different than my dad in many ways but their core values, morals, and traits ended up being similar...What a mistake.
It took me time, introspection, therapy to be attracted to a different type of mate.
Take lots of time to know yourself before you marry. Maybe therapy would be helpful in this process.
It took me time, introspection, therapy to be attracted to a different type of mate.
Take lots of time to know yourself before you marry. Maybe therapy would be helpful in this process.
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