*Scared Codie Whisper* What happens to them after detachment?
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*Scared Codie Whisper* What happens to them after detachment?
So I've run into xABF three times in past two weeks...
Today, We ended up on a crosswalk, alone, waiting for the light to change. I just kept walking, but very fast. Ahead of him. I can't understand why my HP keeps throwing him at me!!! lol...I get overflooded with anxiety when I see him, I'm still not sure why.
Our typical pattern is as follows: He would behave like that of a typical alcoholic and I would be upset. I would attempt to move on. Time would pass with no explanation or apology from him. Then when one of us finally did cave and reach out somehow...neither of us would mention the previous issues. I would just be glad to be speaking again. And like a typical codie, I would think this time will be different. I'll be better. I'll say different things. I'll do this. etc, etc.
I feel very strong in my convictions this time. I am really working on my own recovery and learning about myself everyday. I get sad sometimes and really angry, but I really believe I'm getting through recovery.
Has anyone ever moved on to have their ex contact them and claim they're clean? What did you do? How did you know they were clean? And when do you know you're not destroying that boundary you had set. Maybe this sounds really ridiculous...but 100% if he were to decide to get help. I'd be there. I'd give it another shot. I recognize there are many deeper issues to be dealt with, but if he were to acknowledge this, step out of denial, and make an effort I believe miracles could happen.
Has anyone completely detached to find their loved one did choose to seek recovery on their own? I mean does this actually happen? I know we detach for ourselves...but I'm just wondering.
I'm sort of preparing myself for if he does contact later on, but also for when he never does.
Today, We ended up on a crosswalk, alone, waiting for the light to change. I just kept walking, but very fast. Ahead of him. I can't understand why my HP keeps throwing him at me!!! lol...I get overflooded with anxiety when I see him, I'm still not sure why.
Our typical pattern is as follows: He would behave like that of a typical alcoholic and I would be upset. I would attempt to move on. Time would pass with no explanation or apology from him. Then when one of us finally did cave and reach out somehow...neither of us would mention the previous issues. I would just be glad to be speaking again. And like a typical codie, I would think this time will be different. I'll be better. I'll say different things. I'll do this. etc, etc.
I feel very strong in my convictions this time. I am really working on my own recovery and learning about myself everyday. I get sad sometimes and really angry, but I really believe I'm getting through recovery.
Has anyone ever moved on to have their ex contact them and claim they're clean? What did you do? How did you know they were clean? And when do you know you're not destroying that boundary you had set. Maybe this sounds really ridiculous...but 100% if he were to decide to get help. I'd be there. I'd give it another shot. I recognize there are many deeper issues to be dealt with, but if he were to acknowledge this, step out of denial, and make an effort I believe miracles could happen.
Has anyone completely detached to find their loved one did choose to seek recovery on their own? I mean does this actually happen? I know we detach for ourselves...but I'm just wondering.
I'm sort of preparing myself for if he does contact later on, but also for when he never does.
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound 
Has anyone ever moved on to have their ex contact them and claim they're clean? What did you do? How did you know they were clean? And when do you know you're not destroying that boundary you had set. Maybe this sounds really ridiculous...but 100% if he were to decide to get help. I'd be there. I'd give it another shot. I recognize there are many deeper issues to be dealt with, but if he were to acknowledge this, step out of denial, and make an effort I believe miracles could happen.
there is no way to know if it's real until time passes. I've seen many people come to this board, separate from their A, only to go back amid promises of change, admissions of addiction, and proclamations of miracles. And then they are back here a few weeks or months later devastated because it was all just smoke and mirrors.
My advice would be wait 6 mos. to a year AFTER the big revelation before doing anything.
It sounds to me like he hasn't had any big revelation and you are simply indulging in magical thinking. Why do you think that is?
L
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you are getting ready to deal with something that may never happen. yes, it takes time to discern if they are serious about their recovery, and if it's going to "stick". even if they are serious, the rate of relapse is incredibly high. wait, wait, and wait. and keep working on yourself.
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I can't understand why my HP keeps throwing him at me!!! lol...I get overflooded with anxiety when I see him, I'm still not sure why.
The fun thing about God, is that we do not always get what we want in the way we want. For if we pray for patience, we get the opportunity to practice that patience. If we pray for strength, we get the situation that allows us to be strong.
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My two cents worth? We know it is right if we are right with ourselves. We will know if we can be around them, we will know that things one way or another. Part of our recovery is to know ourselves and what is good for us. Instincts.
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound
Has anyone completely detached to find their loved one did choose to seek recovery on their own? I mean does this actually happen?.
We are still divorced, living in seperate communities/states and keeping our sides of the street clean.
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Mine faked her way through rehab it seems. Or at least treated it like a country club, because she is back drinking again and now I fear heading towards drugs again too. I'll say this, she certainly learned all the great recovery buzz words and tossed them around impressively, but it was just more BS from a professional bullshyt artist.
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I am in the middle of this now. I'm separated with divorce in process. My stbxAH has been sober for 4 months. It wasn't the divorce though. It was the DUI. He's been wanting me back since I left but only the way a drunk can. Contigently. He would give it all up if I came back and I didn't. That was more than a year ago.
Now that he's sober. His pleas are different. He's actually doing things to heal himself. It torments to see the glimmer, the hint of the man I married. He was so very different for the first few years. Despite the torment, I know its too soon to even remotely consider letting him back in my life. I don't know if I ever will.
No matter what he does in recovery, he's still the person who did horrible things while he was drunk
Now that he's sober. His pleas are different. He's actually doing things to heal himself. It torments to see the glimmer, the hint of the man I married. He was so very different for the first few years. Despite the torment, I know its too soon to even remotely consider letting him back in my life. I don't know if I ever will.
No matter what he does in recovery, he's still the person who did horrible things while he was drunk
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"real change is very very slow" I would doubt someone can change from an alcoholic jerk to an angel in less than a year or even a decade...
I have more faith in people without addictions, its easier to get out of our denial and we learn not to go back to that. For addicts its a totally different thing, their DISEASE is CHRONIC AND PROGRESSIVE... so IF they ever get sober THEN they got to START seeing their own psychological patterns, etc... its like they got an extra clingy monkey on their backs... death clinging on their shoulders..
Life is too pretty not to enjoy it because a guy WONT choose honesty... all we have is now..today..
I have more faith in people without addictions, its easier to get out of our denial and we learn not to go back to that. For addicts its a totally different thing, their DISEASE is CHRONIC AND PROGRESSIVE... so IF they ever get sober THEN they got to START seeing their own psychological patterns, etc... its like they got an extra clingy monkey on their backs... death clinging on their shoulders..
Life is too pretty not to enjoy it because a guy WONT choose honesty... all we have is now..today..
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Thanks guys for not slapping me on the wrist. I was scared for the response. LOL. You all have valid points that I agree with.
NewGirl- I've been exploring this lately. I definitely get this spiritual sense of being taught something. I am going to be a stronger person through all of this, even if I have extremely weak moments as well. Man does my HP, kick my ass.
And I know its all fantasy. That's the hardest part for me. Its so hard.
Anvil - he used to make me feel guilty for ignoring him when I'd run into him...so when I read "yesterday you walked past the man he is as if he did not exist....yet tomorrow you'd willingly embrace who you think he could be" I felt a familiar twinge of guilt. The whole thing is a mess. I don't have any closure...its full of not only addiction problems, but pushes and pulls, fear of rejection and all sorts of disaster goodies.
In my space apart I recognize all the things I've done to add to the mix and I feel so bad. I wish I could apologize and explain myself. Not in the sense to smooth things over, but I just really don't think he understands....and it hurts to have to walk past him like that. Cuz I can't look at him. It makes me so sad. When I was walking even, tears started to form. But he doesn't know what it feels like. With my back turned to him all he sees is that- a back. He doesn't even believe that I care about him....
I don't like holding someone in contempt, ya no? Or having unresolved issues. The issue cannot be talked about rationally with an irrational person, I guess.
I would just be so happy for him if he choose recovery. I think of him as a fellow artist, a comrade in that aspect. He flat out doesn't believe that I won't leave him if he were to choose to get help. He's extremely afraid. So I'm constantly like trying to prove that I care. The situation is very frustrating as you all know, and I used to get really angry. And in the beginning I used to have the biggest crush on him so I would get so nervous around him. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to him or acknowledge him because I was so nervous! He took that as me being aloof and snobbish. I've done a horrible job of showing him I care cuz I was always so frustrated with him AND myself. I just don't think he gets it and its so hard to go on knowing that.
Sure I'm creative... I fantasize, but I also love little nuances and things about him and he doesn't even think I give a ****. I love him, more than he can understand...because he's all messed up. LOL. The whole situation developed in a very handicapped way. Both painstakingly slow, but very intimate at the same time since he doesn't let people in. He really didn't want to let anyone in. And from his perspective, he did. and I left.
I just want him to understand. And yeah part of me hopes he will. That a year from now he'll hit bottom for his own sake. But I know all you can do is live in the now...and I'm working at it. Its a good way to live. Of course I want him to recover. Because then there's a chance he could understand.
I hope that makes sense. Its very hard to explain. Thanks so much guys.
NewGirl- I've been exploring this lately. I definitely get this spiritual sense of being taught something. I am going to be a stronger person through all of this, even if I have extremely weak moments as well. Man does my HP, kick my ass.
And I know its all fantasy. That's the hardest part for me. Its so hard.
Anvil - he used to make me feel guilty for ignoring him when I'd run into him...so when I read "yesterday you walked past the man he is as if he did not exist....yet tomorrow you'd willingly embrace who you think he could be" I felt a familiar twinge of guilt. The whole thing is a mess. I don't have any closure...its full of not only addiction problems, but pushes and pulls, fear of rejection and all sorts of disaster goodies.
In my space apart I recognize all the things I've done to add to the mix and I feel so bad. I wish I could apologize and explain myself. Not in the sense to smooth things over, but I just really don't think he understands....and it hurts to have to walk past him like that. Cuz I can't look at him. It makes me so sad. When I was walking even, tears started to form. But he doesn't know what it feels like. With my back turned to him all he sees is that- a back. He doesn't even believe that I care about him....
I don't like holding someone in contempt, ya no? Or having unresolved issues. The issue cannot be talked about rationally with an irrational person, I guess.
I would just be so happy for him if he choose recovery. I think of him as a fellow artist, a comrade in that aspect. He flat out doesn't believe that I won't leave him if he were to choose to get help. He's extremely afraid. So I'm constantly like trying to prove that I care. The situation is very frustrating as you all know, and I used to get really angry. And in the beginning I used to have the biggest crush on him so I would get so nervous around him. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to him or acknowledge him because I was so nervous! He took that as me being aloof and snobbish. I've done a horrible job of showing him I care cuz I was always so frustrated with him AND myself. I just don't think he gets it and its so hard to go on knowing that.
Sure I'm creative... I fantasize, but I also love little nuances and things about him and he doesn't even think I give a ****. I love him, more than he can understand...because he's all messed up. LOL. The whole situation developed in a very handicapped way. Both painstakingly slow, but very intimate at the same time since he doesn't let people in. He really didn't want to let anyone in. And from his perspective, he did. and I left.
I just want him to understand. And yeah part of me hopes he will. That a year from now he'll hit bottom for his own sake. But I know all you can do is live in the now...and I'm working at it. Its a good way to live. Of course I want him to recover. Because then there's a chance he could understand.
I hope that makes sense. Its very hard to explain. Thanks so much guys.
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When I assumed my XABF would NEVER understand and NEVER recover (he stated this intention himself, drinking til the end) MY life became better.
If he didnt understand THEN when madness was happening, there is no way in hell he will understand anything NOW with more distance.
Mary.. for some reason we think its important they get it, but it really is not important.
anvil said: ( I dont know how to use the quotes!!)
yesterday you walked past the man he is as if he did not exist....yet tomorrow you'd willingly embrace who you think he could be. i think you long for something that he is not, but pin your hopes on who you think he could turn into. perhaps that's the message, perhaps that why you continue to encounter him IN REAL LIFE. it is what it is.......
SHE IS TOTALLY RIGHT!! I used to run into X and GF so often it was ridiculous... when I started going No Contact and taking my wellbeing seriously "misteriously".. when I started accepting the new reality.. I saw him less and less often ... but ALSO because I took steps to get away and stay away. ANY personal interaction is too dangerous for me... like the first drink.
Go No contact. I tried contact many times, "stay friends" (I only got more hurt), I also crossed the street but he was the one ignoring me and speeding up... and I was also crying then because once we were these great friends and I would have NEVER thought it would end so sadly and horribly.
Going No contact is the only remedy I found to prevent those feelings to resurface.. and I get the attraction to broken people... that was fun to me as well, I recall an ex I had that drugged himself with shrooms, etc.. and I liked him, we fooled around and broke up and that was it... with this last ex my sanity was being bet... its like playing with fire you know, and the more you ignore your own issues, the more that is at stake in your romantic relations. What then? if I ignored that... by now I would have had a kid with an alcoholic father and an innocent would be suffering for my mistakes.... how far are YOU planning to go? How much hurt are you going to take?
Well I wanted to say I get the feeling you describe on your last paragraph.
Sadly those attractions are based on past hurts, that is why its so unbelievably strong but its not love. Are you going to alanon or to a counselor??? do you plan to go??? are you ready to get help?
If he didnt understand THEN when madness was happening, there is no way in hell he will understand anything NOW with more distance.
Mary.. for some reason we think its important they get it, but it really is not important.
anvil said: ( I dont know how to use the quotes!!)
yesterday you walked past the man he is as if he did not exist....yet tomorrow you'd willingly embrace who you think he could be. i think you long for something that he is not, but pin your hopes on who you think he could turn into. perhaps that's the message, perhaps that why you continue to encounter him IN REAL LIFE. it is what it is.......
SHE IS TOTALLY RIGHT!! I used to run into X and GF so often it was ridiculous... when I started going No Contact and taking my wellbeing seriously "misteriously".. when I started accepting the new reality.. I saw him less and less often ... but ALSO because I took steps to get away and stay away. ANY personal interaction is too dangerous for me... like the first drink.
Go No contact. I tried contact many times, "stay friends" (I only got more hurt), I also crossed the street but he was the one ignoring me and speeding up... and I was also crying then because once we were these great friends and I would have NEVER thought it would end so sadly and horribly.
Going No contact is the only remedy I found to prevent those feelings to resurface.. and I get the attraction to broken people... that was fun to me as well, I recall an ex I had that drugged himself with shrooms, etc.. and I liked him, we fooled around and broke up and that was it... with this last ex my sanity was being bet... its like playing with fire you know, and the more you ignore your own issues, the more that is at stake in your romantic relations. What then? if I ignored that... by now I would have had a kid with an alcoholic father and an innocent would be suffering for my mistakes.... how far are YOU planning to go? How much hurt are you going to take?
Well I wanted to say I get the feeling you describe on your last paragraph.
Sadly those attractions are based on past hurts, that is why its so unbelievably strong but its not love. Are you going to alanon or to a counselor??? do you plan to go??? are you ready to get help?
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I've done a horrible job of showing him I care
Do you care about you? (sorry if it sounds harsh, honest q. you dont have to answer here... in fact L2L asked me the same question before!! and I realized there have been many painful events in my life that showed that NO I didnt give a damn. That was then.)
Do you care about you? (sorry if it sounds harsh, honest q. you dont have to answer here... in fact L2L asked me the same question before!! and I realized there have been many painful events in my life that showed that NO I didnt give a damn. That was then.)
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Maybe this sounds really ridiculous...but 100% if he were to decide to get help. I'd be there. I'd give it another shot. I recognize there are many deeper issues to be dealt with, but if he were to acknowledge this, step out of denial, and make an effort I believe miracles could happen.
That joyous, fulfilled soul might look at what was on offer and say "I'm really pleased for you, and wish you well" but have no desire to revisit her past/have a new and fabulous partnership? He might come to you with amends but not want to revisit his past romantically or in any friendship sense.
my point being that speculating is pointless. how are you going to live your life now?
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Yeah I've been on my "real" no contact for 5 weeks now.
Haha. I'm both laughing and crying.
I was intimidated by him. It was such a weird dynamic. I felt bad for him, but also admired him in some ways, was also annoyed and perplexed. Found it interesting that he was interested in me. But we both were just like...really broken. And really shy.
You're right I don't know. It's just so hard.I finally could let go of trying to get through to him and that took awhile. Now I just have to let go of the part that believes he will. Because he's my friend, ya no? It makes me sooooo sad to let go of that hope for him. I honestly don't see a day when I won't wish that for him.
Yeah I go to Al-anon. Trying to find therapist. Again lol...
I don't want to let go of that dream, I guess. He said he wanted us to be together, but I'd be a widow...not sure what that means since his mom died.
Ahhh. It just makes no sense to throw away something you want for a way of living that you've stated you don't like. I'm not sure what feeling is worse. The sadness or the anger. I'm constantly going back and forth. Then I'm numb. But I'm definitely obesessed with this since I am no contact. Now I'm just embarrassingly obsessed. Nothing else interests me. I like things in my life. I'm doing what I love...blah blah. But no, I kind of just don't care. I'm sad and obsessed! I guess I always believed eventually he would get help and we'd be together. It wasn't really a conscience belief. But man, I realize it now, when I'm like well...what's the point to all of this now?
I have so many emotions I want to get out. I want revenge by destroying his vehicle, I want to cry for days and days and never leave my bedroom. It's so hard. IT'S A NO WIN SITUATION. AND I'M PISSED ABOUT THAT.
Haha. I'm both laughing and crying.
I was intimidated by him. It was such a weird dynamic. I felt bad for him, but also admired him in some ways, was also annoyed and perplexed. Found it interesting that he was interested in me. But we both were just like...really broken. And really shy.
You're right I don't know. It's just so hard.I finally could let go of trying to get through to him and that took awhile. Now I just have to let go of the part that believes he will. Because he's my friend, ya no? It makes me sooooo sad to let go of that hope for him. I honestly don't see a day when I won't wish that for him.
Yeah I go to Al-anon. Trying to find therapist. Again lol...
I don't want to let go of that dream, I guess. He said he wanted us to be together, but I'd be a widow...not sure what that means since his mom died.
Ahhh. It just makes no sense to throw away something you want for a way of living that you've stated you don't like. I'm not sure what feeling is worse. The sadness or the anger. I'm constantly going back and forth. Then I'm numb. But I'm definitely obesessed with this since I am no contact. Now I'm just embarrassingly obsessed. Nothing else interests me. I like things in my life. I'm doing what I love...blah blah. But no, I kind of just don't care. I'm sad and obsessed! I guess I always believed eventually he would get help and we'd be together. It wasn't really a conscience belief. But man, I realize it now, when I'm like well...what's the point to all of this now?
I have so many emotions I want to get out. I want revenge by destroying his vehicle, I want to cry for days and days and never leave my bedroom. It's so hard. IT'S A NO WIN SITUATION. AND I'M PISSED ABOUT THAT.
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Man seeing him this past makes me want to contact....
I just really want closure. I feel like I'm being eaten alive on the inside sometimes. Its so weird how the weak moments come and go..with seemingly no reason. I have plans to go out and I don't even want to go. I know we all are,but I'm so heartbroken. I hurt when he drinks and we talk and I hurt when we don't talk. Boo. Really sad today for some reason.
I know I'm not going to change anything. But grrr I just want him to understand. I know he thinks I'm "just like everyone else."
I just really want closure. I feel like I'm being eaten alive on the inside sometimes. Its so weird how the weak moments come and go..with seemingly no reason. I have plans to go out and I don't even want to go. I know we all are,but I'm so heartbroken. I hurt when he drinks and we talk and I hurt when we don't talk. Boo. Really sad today for some reason.
I know I'm not going to change anything. But grrr I just want him to understand. I know he thinks I'm "just like everyone else."
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Thanks NewGirl and Anvil.
Yeah, I know. I think I'm having such a hard time cuz I'm about to go through some major life changes...and that always gets me in an icky place.
I didn't contact though! I'm keeping the promises to myself
Yeah, I know. I think I'm having such a hard time cuz I'm about to go through some major life changes...and that always gets me in an icky place.
I didn't contact though! I'm keeping the promises to myself
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he just text me "<3".
Do I ...ignore it?
or say something like "I appreciate the sentiment and its nice to hear from you, but please do not contact me until you are recovering"
thats okay right?
Do I ...ignore it?
or say something like "I appreciate the sentiment and its nice to hear from you, but please do not contact me until you are recovering"
thats okay right?
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