Duped

Hi all

Lurker here. My xAGF not only reacts angrily and aggressively if I try to discuss her drinking, but also flips out with just about any minor criticism. Also, I have been concerned because of her past cocaine habit for which she went to rehab for, and the fact that she is now in contact again with her ex boyfriend (before me) whom she used to do cocaine with .....and whom she used to partially blame for her downfall? Why am I worried? Because of our daughter who is with her.....

It has got to the point that if I am in even slight disagreement about anything, any little thing, like when I should be over to help out, or what kind of garbage bags we should use, she flips out. Is this not extreme, even for an alkie or addict?

Also, she often turns around and says that I am being ''mean" whenever I bring these things up (and I do it in a reasonable manner, not yelling or anything, and she says that I don't 'respect' her and that I should treat her nicely. I mistakenly thought that showing concern was being nice, but apparently not.

I'm at the point where I should just give her enough rope so that she hangs herself, but needless to say, I am worried about all of this behaviour only as it affects our daughter......

Any insight? She seems to truly believe that she doesn't drink, and makes no bones about contacting the ex boyfriend who is a drug addict and honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with it, that it isn't somewhat risky given her past with the man.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

God Bless

Cowgirl1265

I think its entirely possible, based on what you write, that your daughter might be safer living with you.

coffeedrinker

based on the little amount of info given, i'd say she is in active addiction. if she were truly in recovery, you'd be feeling pretty great about her right now. when she went to rehab, she learned not to keep old (druggie) relationships alive. it's possible that she doesn't subscribe to that "rule" but i have yet to meet someone who is "clean" and remains so while hanging out with the druggie pals/connections.

have you considered taking custody of your daughter?

Duped

Hi and thanks to the both of you. Yes, I am weighing the distinct possibility that I am going to have to do something about this. I am concerned that she seems to be so flippant about reacquainting with her past drug addled friends. There are others I have noticed. Of course, it isn't my business anymore from a personal standpoint, my only concern is that I believe you are correct - she is in active addiction still, I know she is drinking at times to intoxication, not sure about drug use, although her interactioin with her ex who is an addict is certainly raising some alarm bells for me.

At this point I am starting to believe she did not take her stint in rehab seriously at all, she also poo poos AA and Al anon, and was extremely angry that I began studying Narc Anon and Al anon material.

The fact that the insane level of denial has returned is what is really making me worried. The blame shifting, turning around conversations to deflect attention from her......this is all behaviour of an active user, is it not ? Certainly not the type of deflection one would expect from a person in serious recovery......

I think she's heading for another fall. Which is sad because I know what it put her family through last time.....

I may be facing a rescue op, I don't want my daughter around alcoholics and drug users.

ItsmeAlice

this is all behaviour of an active user, is it not ?

I am inclined to say...ABSOLUTELY!

While I am no expert in the field I have seen this kind of denial and paranoia in my XABF at times when we had family or home stressors and his drinking was his only coping mechanism.

That's not say he didn't drink when times were easier, but the paranoia was less and he seemed to be less inclined to excuse his binges when there wasn't an immediate crisis.

The issue may have stemmed from guilt for 'running' rather than facing trouble head on. It could also have been complete denial that anything he was doing was unhealthy or harmed others around him and he felt persecuted when I asked him to put down the beer.

It could have been so many things, but it does sound like what you are experiencing. It is one of the many reasons why detachment and no contact (aside from the business of child care) becomes a way of life for the F&F of alcoholics.

Best to you!

Alice

FindingPeace1

Totally "normal" from my perspective.

My AH and I are stalemated over the day I confronted him on his drinking. He would describe that day as the "day I defamed is character" or "the day I stopped loving him and now hate him" or "the day I admitted I never loved him and our whole relationship has been a farce". In my defense (probably not needed in this crowd), I told him that day and since that I love him and have valid concerns. I don't think those two things are allowed to exist simultaneously in his world.
The biggest thing that hurt him was when I said him having no friends was on the red flag list for problem drinkers. Although it was true at that time (he has since made a sort of friend at work), it came across as me being hateful and critical. <sigh>
Over sensitivity? Yes.
Fragility? Yes.
Defense of his drinking? Undoubtedly.
Lack of self love which leads to a belief about external condemnation? Probably.
Deflection so we don't have to deal with my original concerns? Apparently.

Who knows WHY. Authenticity and humility can't live in the same "house" with drinking, sneaking and lying (or drug use, in your case).

Learn2Live

Sounds like behavior of the active user to me also.

coffeedrinker

yep, yes, and yeah.

hope the rescue op is only for your daughter.