IamSaved

OK, so I go a few days, I'm good. I don't miss him. I don't want to hear from him. I don't want to be with him.

then...BAM!!!!!!!

I am sitting at work. I want to check his email. I want to snoop. I want to call him. I want HIM to miss me! I want HIM to call me. Why hasn't he called me? HOW could he pick the booze OVER US?? OVER ME!! OUR future???

HOW can he be prowling internet sluts, and sleeping with them in OUR bed. Does he not feel me there? Is he still drinking? HOW did this ever happen?

OMG its like the devil takes over me, and I become a mess in the matter of 30 seconds! Does this madness EVER STOP????

How can I waste SO MUCH TIME thinking about someone that isn't thinking about me. And if he is, its not in the way I want him too. I deserve so much more, I know this in my heart. It's my ego, wanting HIM to miss ME...how in the world do you make that stop? HOW do you get over someone that got over you in 30 seconds? Did I mean nothing? Did what we share mean nothing?

OH boy..sorry all. I just needed to vent..and try to talk myself OUT of snooping in his email. Does no good, just makes me sad and mad.

I am sitting here shaking, heart pounding. Anxiety attack? YES! The man has given me an anxiety attack!!!!

I need to get MAD and get OVER IT! This is NUTS!!!!!!

jennabe

Hey Saved. Keep reminding yourself of why you left him. Don't start lying to yourself. Chances are that he is drinking and unfortunately that's just the way it is. He treated you awful! You will be so much happier without this guy. It may take awhile but one day you are going to look back and wonder why you stayed so long in the first place. I can "see" strength in you and really believe that you are going to be okay.

IamSaved

Liese, you raise an interesting question here, one I haven't thought about before. Maybe, just maybe, I am so used to giving SO MUCH in my relationships, I love enough for both of us. Not right, but I wonder if I am loving someone so much, how can it be they are not loving me. Pondering....

Jenna...OMG I know. I know he's probably drinking daily. I know in my head I am SO MUCH BETTER off without him. I know he is not the man I need or want. I could never trust him. And I am not willing to wait for him through any sort of recovery.

I am hopeful, that these anxiety attacks will become less and less frequent. It's 3 weeks tomorrow that I moved out, and have had NC since then.



I love this place. Thanks for letting me FREAK OUT in a safe, loving environment.

As they say, this too, shall pass!

KeepPedaling

Hi Saved. I'm going through the same thing right now. I know he's just drinking and only able to think about me in a sedated way, so how could he really ever feel the hurt I feel right now. For a while, I had a hard time motivating myself to do anything. But you just have to put one foot in front of the other in the right direction, even though you don't feel like it, right? So I focus on doing things that are fun. I've been snowboarding and cycling and spending time with friends etc. Every single day, I feel a little better and I know I'm getting better. I still cry. I still get mad. But it's less and less the more and more I do for myself.

Hang in there, stay strong, and get busy sister! You'll get through this. You DO deserve better.

freefalling

I got very busy - studying again at age 46. Boy does that ever get my thoughts away from my STBXAH. Difficult also , but at least it is something for me. Those thoughts can be disciplined. Are you in therapy? Helped me to sort out why I needed a man that was not emotionally available. When I knew it ,sill had to change thinking patterns. Now I dont want him to call me. I dont need his kind of love. I dont want to call him. I dont need his validation. I dont want to know how he spend his days.

You will get there soon because you want it. Hang in there.

HUGS

IamSaved

I am not currently in therapy, but I am a big believer in it. I am looking into it. I know I need to sort out my issues of co-dependence, and why I pick men that are addicted or unavailable to me.

I am involved in my church, and I am very thankful for that. It has been a lifesaver!

I know these days will get fewer, and far between. But for now...i just feel like a big ball of pain and heartache!

LaTeeDa

This is big. Huge, actually. I had to learn to separate my feelings from my thinking. I had all these "mind habits" that would take over whenever I felt certain feelings. I needed to learn to let the feelings be, without reverting to my old thought patterns.

Example--when I am fearful, I tend to go into control mode. Trying to figure out ways to control outcomes and situations to prevent whatever it is I fear from happening. Instead, I had to learn to feel the fear. Play the tape, and face that what I fear might just happen. Then come up with a plan in case it did, which is much different from freaking out and trying to control the world, lol.

Same thing applies to other feelings as well. I had to become aware of my thought patterns when I feel lonely, angry, sad, even happy. And then consciously make the effort to change my unhealthy thoughts. You can't change your feelings, but you can change what your mind does with them.

L

MissFixit

There are a couple of things that I am going through that might help you with those feelings.

If he is drinking and not in recovery, then he is an active A who is getting worse. He WILL get worse, not better or even stay the same.

His poor behavior is as good as it gets with him. This is his BEST unless he seeks recovery and quits drinking.

You WILL get worse, feel worse and become more anxious, stressed and sad, if you stay with an active A and you don't seek recovery.

It hurts and gets much harder emotionally and practically later down the road.

Each time you don't contact him and focus on you, you are a step further out of the madness and closer to a healthier you.

Hugs

IamSaved

Thank you! I know I am stronger than my panic attacks. It's my inability to control, and know whats going on thats driving me mad. I have guilt issues with leaving him, and leaving him to his demons.

However, they are HIS, not mine. I must detach his addiction from me. The 3 C's apply here! Can't control, can't cure, didn't cause.

I'm taking it one day at a time, and yes, each day I am NC, the better I feel. I can't explain it when it hits me though. It's like a tidal wave, just rushes over me and I become absolutely panicked! For no reason!

Madness...who's disease is this anyway!!!

MissFixit

Emotional Abuse

This is a great link about emotional abuse and its effects.