Hard to ask for support sometimes.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Yorkshire, England
Posts: 11
Hard to ask for support sometimes.....
Hello all.
I have read a number of posts and don't feel quite as alien as I did an hr ago.
My wife is a recovering addict and I have struggled in understanding where she is at. When we met over 15yrs ago I knew she had a Grey and dismal past but I accepted that was in her past and looked forward to our life together and giving her a more positive future. Although she has not used Heroin since before we met, her addiction to other substance has only come to light in recent times.
I feel she has made major progress and she has been very honest with me about where she is at and wants to make things better. I am here4her and she knows that.
It makes a lot of sense to me now that over the last 15 years I have gradually given up me and myself in parts to be there for her. I was the only person she knew when she came to England and gradually lost more contact with my friends and my social life as I knew she needed me. But I didn't know how bad.
She is now attending NA meetings and I feel is committed to progress as much as I am in my commitment to her.
I have started to take part in activities again and am trying to do more for me, but as I dont know what she is going through, her addiction still confuses me.
I don't tend to trust people I don't know and the NA meetings and her moving in other circles without me can worry me. I feel quite jealous and worry about my actions as even though through all the best intentions and caring so much, I don't want to become controlling or questioning her about things and for her to take my concerns the wrong way.
Just the thought of things ending badly or her stepping back to her 'bad times' makes me want to take over. I know she has to do it and I need to give her the space to do it but she is so important to me that I feel very over protective at times.
Luckily we have been able to take big steps in being open and honest with each other about this but I am sometimes scared as she feels even worse if she knows its upsetting me. I am on anti depressants as the pressure over the last 8 months has been a lot for me to get my head around and with a pressured job and looking after my family (we have young kids) but I am hoping were on the right path.
Sorry if it sounds like I am rambling, I know everyone's situation is different but it does feel a little better for just typing it out.
I thank you in advance for taking the time to read.
J.
I have read a number of posts and don't feel quite as alien as I did an hr ago.
My wife is a recovering addict and I have struggled in understanding where she is at. When we met over 15yrs ago I knew she had a Grey and dismal past but I accepted that was in her past and looked forward to our life together and giving her a more positive future. Although she has not used Heroin since before we met, her addiction to other substance has only come to light in recent times.
I feel she has made major progress and she has been very honest with me about where she is at and wants to make things better. I am here4her and she knows that.
It makes a lot of sense to me now that over the last 15 years I have gradually given up me and myself in parts to be there for her. I was the only person she knew when she came to England and gradually lost more contact with my friends and my social life as I knew she needed me. But I didn't know how bad.
She is now attending NA meetings and I feel is committed to progress as much as I am in my commitment to her.
I have started to take part in activities again and am trying to do more for me, but as I dont know what she is going through, her addiction still confuses me.
I don't tend to trust people I don't know and the NA meetings and her moving in other circles without me can worry me. I feel quite jealous and worry about my actions as even though through all the best intentions and caring so much, I don't want to become controlling or questioning her about things and for her to take my concerns the wrong way.
Just the thought of things ending badly or her stepping back to her 'bad times' makes me want to take over. I know she has to do it and I need to give her the space to do it but she is so important to me that I feel very over protective at times.
Luckily we have been able to take big steps in being open and honest with each other about this but I am sometimes scared as she feels even worse if she knows its upsetting me. I am on anti depressants as the pressure over the last 8 months has been a lot for me to get my head around and with a pressured job and looking after my family (we have young kids) but I am hoping were on the right path.
Sorry if it sounds like I am rambling, I know everyone's situation is different but it does feel a little better for just typing it out.
I thank you in advance for taking the time to read.
J.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
Welcome to sr! You'll find support here. Have you been to naranon or alanon? I must admit, I didn't believe I had a problem. What I learned in meetings and here, is I do. I suffer without any chemical, it's like I got hangovers from his binges. I am sick, yes, I am also recovering, with help and support from people, steps, meetings, sr, a new therapist., etc. I have found the way for me. I have faith in a higher power, which I believe is within me. It works when I work it with help from others who have discovered a better way, and are willng to tell me what worked for them.
You found a great place here(mho) just sit back read the stickies, breathe and try spending some time learning about yourself. I'm glad you are here! You are important and I hope you keep coming back!
You found a great place here(mho) just sit back read the stickies, breathe and try spending some time learning about yourself. I'm glad you are here! You are important and I hope you keep coming back!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I see your name is Here4Her.....
Soon you will realize that you are Here4You.
I came to this site last year looking for help for my AH....and I am thankful that it ended up helping Me. This place literally saved Me and the people here are some of the greatest people.
Once I realized how I have been culpable in all of this and really understood The First Step....things have gotten better for Me. I learned that I cannot control anyone else, and by trying my life had become unmanageable.
Read all that you can on here, know you are with people who understand....and try to put the focus back on you.
I will be looking forward to that name change in the future.
Soon you will realize that you are Here4You.
I came to this site last year looking for help for my AH....and I am thankful that it ended up helping Me. This place literally saved Me and the people here are some of the greatest people.
Once I realized how I have been culpable in all of this and really understood The First Step....things have gotten better for Me. I learned that I cannot control anyone else, and by trying my life had become unmanageable.
Read all that you can on here, know you are with people who understand....and try to put the focus back on you.
I will be looking forward to that name change in the future.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr.
sorry to hear about what you are going through but i'm glad you are here.
i agree with the others. when i first came here, i was also looking advice on how to help my husband of 24yrs and found out that i needed help for myself and kids. sorry but there is nothing you can do to help your wife, she'll have to want to help herself. seems like she is doing what she needs to do but what are you doing for you? everyone involved with addiction is effected, including young kids.
check out alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself. while she is working her program, it would really help if you could focus more on you and your program of recovery. coming here is a great start. i'll keep you guys in my prayers.
sorry to hear about what you are going through but i'm glad you are here.
i agree with the others. when i first came here, i was also looking advice on how to help my husband of 24yrs and found out that i needed help for myself and kids. sorry but there is nothing you can do to help your wife, she'll have to want to help herself. seems like she is doing what she needs to do but what are you doing for you? everyone involved with addiction is effected, including young kids.
check out alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself. while she is working her program, it would really help if you could focus more on you and your program of recovery. coming here is a great start. i'll keep you guys in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm going to chime in. I too came here lurking prior to my ABF's death. I came here for help with his issue (alcohol/addiction). Wound up getting slammed by Codie-ness, and am grateful for it now. Redirected myself and took the focus off him. There are times that I reflect and recall incidents adn events that I too lost pieces of me, and gave of myself unselfishly, and in the end it did nothing but feed my resenments which resulted in unresolved anger at myself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome (((J)))
You are taking a great first step in helping yourself by coming here and posting. I hope you continue to reach out here, and perhaps at meetings to gather the support you need.
I wanted to mention something that struck me about myself after arriving here. I never really considered myself a codie, but I do have behaviors that say the opposite.
What I realised, is that all the times I stepped in and helped my son, all the times I rescued him and all the times I figured out a solution (after badgering him and demanding answers), all the while what I was really doing is satisfying me. See, I needed him to need me.
Today, I try very hard to allow him the dignity of figuring out things on his own. I say "try", because sometimes I just can't stop from chiming in, but I am getting better
The more we do it for them, the less confidence they have that they can do it at all.
Stick around and get comfy. There's a lot of great people to meet here!
(((Hugs)))
You are taking a great first step in helping yourself by coming here and posting. I hope you continue to reach out here, and perhaps at meetings to gather the support you need.
I wanted to mention something that struck me about myself after arriving here. I never really considered myself a codie, but I do have behaviors that say the opposite.
What I realised, is that all the times I stepped in and helped my son, all the times I rescued him and all the times I figured out a solution (after badgering him and demanding answers), all the while what I was really doing is satisfying me. See, I needed him to need me.
Today, I try very hard to allow him the dignity of figuring out things on his own. I say "try", because sometimes I just can't stop from chiming in, but I am getting better
The more we do it for them, the less confidence they have that they can do it at all.
Stick around and get comfy. There's a lot of great people to meet here!
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hello and welcome.
you did not ask for any advice or feedback; i just want to say that this is a safe place for you, and a good one, in terms of learning and growing.
keep coming around, and consider starting up with al-anon
you did not ask for any advice or feedback; i just want to say that this is a safe place for you, and a good one, in terms of learning and growing.
keep coming around, and consider starting up with al-anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Yorkshire, England
Posts: 11
Just wanted to say thanks to all for your comments and messages of support. They are all appreciated. Coffee...... I am never sure of questions I want to ask or advice. For me it's a great thing just to have an outlet and then to hear others thoughts and opinions and then I take from that what I feel is relevant to give me perspective. Like I said, all comments are good in their own way. I like to write poems/lyrics as an outlet and just posted one of mine in the poems section of the forum.
I wish all well and hope today is a better day than yesterday for you.
J.x
I wish all well and hope today is a better day than yesterday for you.
J.x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
well, here4her, since a door opened a bit, can i just say that i would suggest looking at the following statement:
I don't tend to trust people I don't know and the NA meetings and her moving in other circles without me can worry me. I feel quite jealous and worry about my actions as even though through all the best intentions and caring so much, I don't want to become controlling or questioning her about things and for her to take my concerns the wrong way.
this is your growth area. if she is embracing sobriety and immersing herself in the programming, the sober people in aa circles, this is exactly what you want her to do, and what she needs to do (imo) to maintain that sobriety. if you feel you are sometimes fighting the urge to express your jealousy, or complain that she's going to another meeting, i wish you could address that. therapy for yourself, then couples therapy, would be great, and al-anon for you is really almost a must. going to a meeting place together, where she goes to the aa room and you to the al-anon, would give you a little togetherness time and then your seperate meetings/friends. please do not sabotage her progress by smothering her.
all meant in a caring way; i wish you the best
I don't tend to trust people I don't know and the NA meetings and her moving in other circles without me can worry me. I feel quite jealous and worry about my actions as even though through all the best intentions and caring so much, I don't want to become controlling or questioning her about things and for her to take my concerns the wrong way.
this is your growth area. if she is embracing sobriety and immersing herself in the programming, the sober people in aa circles, this is exactly what you want her to do, and what she needs to do (imo) to maintain that sobriety. if you feel you are sometimes fighting the urge to express your jealousy, or complain that she's going to another meeting, i wish you could address that. therapy for yourself, then couples therapy, would be great, and al-anon for you is really almost a must. going to a meeting place together, where she goes to the aa room and you to the al-anon, would give you a little togetherness time and then your seperate meetings/friends. please do not sabotage her progress by smothering her.
all meant in a caring way; i wish you the best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Yorkshire, England
Posts: 11
Thanks Coffee, and I understand and appreciate where your comments come from. I am very analytical and pretty self aware. I can see the potential barriers to progress and want to overcome them. Positive and constructive feedback always helps.
There is an 'open' meeting this week at the NA meetings and my wife has asked see if I would like to go. I intend to, although I have no expectations of what to expect. I am trying to maintain a very open mind.
Best wishes to all.
J.
There is an 'open' meeting this week at the NA meetings and my wife has asked see if I would like to go. I intend to, although I have no expectations of what to expect. I am trying to maintain a very open mind.
Best wishes to all.
J.
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