My wife drinks too much, and I have no idea where to start.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11
My wife drinks too much, and I have no idea where to start.
So here's the story; I'm sure it's familiar ...
My wife drinks every night, or every other night. If I leave her alone, she'll drink until she blacks out. If I don't leave her alone, she'll probably do it anyway, but I can sometimes get her to stop, but not often. She regrets it and promises to change every morning, but by the time the sun sets, she's at it again.
When she drinks, she gets dangerous to herself and others. The least of which is that she falls down and ends up with bruises. She also cuts herself, has tried to commit suicide a number of times, and physically attacks me out of nowhere. If I'm trying to sleep, she will wake me up attacking me looking or the keys. She is extremely verbally abusive ... she's said about every awful thing to me that you could possibly say to another person. She has threatened to kill me numerous times, and based on some of these other attacks, I believe that given time, she may do it.
Her sister, who is also an alcoholic, perpetually lives within a few blocks of us (no matter how many times I move us away), and finally agreed to not continue drinking with her, but only after an event that describes truly how dangerous the situation is. I refused to go buy more beer for my wife, so she went to her sister's house. An hour later, I got a call asking to come get her, and she was locked in the garage after going on a rampage. I arrived to find my wife on top of her sister, beating her. I pulled her off and there was blood everywhere because she had slit her wrists.
I realize that I truly cannot stop her from drinking, but I do insist on keeping the keys away from her once she has started. I can't make her stop, but I think it is my responsibility to make sure she doesn't go on the road to possibly hurt someone. This creates a problem because she usually realizes I've hidden the keys a few hours before alcohol stops being sold in the store, and then she physically attacks me until the time has passed and she can't get more. Sometimes this goes on for hours. I am thankfully much larger than her and it doesn't effect me too much to take some punches, but I fear that someday she'll try and use a knife or something else. When the time has passed, she will stay awake anyway and try to get beer some other way ... if she stays awake until morning, she'll go get more and things will continue. I usually have to try and trick her into going to lay down, because if her head hits the pillow, she's out.
I'm confused because everything I've read says that I cannot do anything and I have no effect, but if I did just stop the little I can do, then she'd either be dead or end up killing someone on the road. I did try to just stop once ... about a year ago ... and the 9 days that came were some I'd never want to live again.
Our sexlife is nonexistent. She tries whenever she's drunk, but I'm not at all interested in it. Not the least of reasons being because she's verbally abusing me the whole time ... that doesn't work. This has gone on long enough that even if she's not drunk, thinking about having sex with her triggers these awful memories and I just want to go to sleep, so thankful for a peaceful night.
When she drinks, I can't sleep. I think she'll come in to kill me, or I'll wake up with the house on fire. Once last month our dog was barking and I found her laying face down, convulsing on the floor, unable to breathe. I can't sleep knowing that could be happening in the next room.
I love her. I know I can't "rescue" her, but I can't just let her die. I truly feel it's only a matter of time before this happens.
Right now, she realizes she has a problem and has pledged to stop. This is the third night, but she's been away to "get the mail" for 3 hours now ... I have hope because I have to, but promises to change are more common in my house than meals together.
When she is sober, she is the sweetest person I've ever known. She cries and gets sick when I tell her what she's done during her blackout time. From that moment, it's about 18 hours before we're back there again. I don't doubt her when she says she wants to change it ... I believe her ... but then it gets dark and it's like she's possessed.
I was laid off last year and we're pretty poor right now ... but I just started a new job, and that won't last forever. If I had the money right now, I'd leave her right now, this afternoon. I don't though ... not even for a hotel room. Things will be turned around financially in about 2 months. If things aren't turned around by then, I'm leaving. I have told her this as well, and it's the same thing ... when she's sober she's destroyed by the possibility, but when she's drunk she says she can't wait to be rid of me.
We have no social life anymore. I repeatedly turn down invitations to events and dinners because we've started yet another "I'm going to stop drinking", only to have the inevitable happen even hours later. I've lied enough to my friends that I can't be believable anymore, so I just avoid calls. I work from home. I have nobody to talk to. I am absolutely lost. I cry daily out of nowhere in ways that scares me, like I'm fine and then I just can't stand up anymore, only for 30 seconds and then it's gone. I don't feel like I am mentally capable of staying with her or leaving her.
I know this is a long one, and I'm sorry. I know it's probably the same old story. That part actually brings me a little comfort, but right now my heart is beating out of my chest because I know she's coming home soon and I have no idea what that means. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
My wife drinks every night, or every other night. If I leave her alone, she'll drink until she blacks out. If I don't leave her alone, she'll probably do it anyway, but I can sometimes get her to stop, but not often. She regrets it and promises to change every morning, but by the time the sun sets, she's at it again.
When she drinks, she gets dangerous to herself and others. The least of which is that she falls down and ends up with bruises. She also cuts herself, has tried to commit suicide a number of times, and physically attacks me out of nowhere. If I'm trying to sleep, she will wake me up attacking me looking or the keys. She is extremely verbally abusive ... she's said about every awful thing to me that you could possibly say to another person. She has threatened to kill me numerous times, and based on some of these other attacks, I believe that given time, she may do it.
Her sister, who is also an alcoholic, perpetually lives within a few blocks of us (no matter how many times I move us away), and finally agreed to not continue drinking with her, but only after an event that describes truly how dangerous the situation is. I refused to go buy more beer for my wife, so she went to her sister's house. An hour later, I got a call asking to come get her, and she was locked in the garage after going on a rampage. I arrived to find my wife on top of her sister, beating her. I pulled her off and there was blood everywhere because she had slit her wrists.
I realize that I truly cannot stop her from drinking, but I do insist on keeping the keys away from her once she has started. I can't make her stop, but I think it is my responsibility to make sure she doesn't go on the road to possibly hurt someone. This creates a problem because she usually realizes I've hidden the keys a few hours before alcohol stops being sold in the store, and then she physically attacks me until the time has passed and she can't get more. Sometimes this goes on for hours. I am thankfully much larger than her and it doesn't effect me too much to take some punches, but I fear that someday she'll try and use a knife or something else. When the time has passed, she will stay awake anyway and try to get beer some other way ... if she stays awake until morning, she'll go get more and things will continue. I usually have to try and trick her into going to lay down, because if her head hits the pillow, she's out.
I'm confused because everything I've read says that I cannot do anything and I have no effect, but if I did just stop the little I can do, then she'd either be dead or end up killing someone on the road. I did try to just stop once ... about a year ago ... and the 9 days that came were some I'd never want to live again.
Our sexlife is nonexistent. She tries whenever she's drunk, but I'm not at all interested in it. Not the least of reasons being because she's verbally abusing me the whole time ... that doesn't work. This has gone on long enough that even if she's not drunk, thinking about having sex with her triggers these awful memories and I just want to go to sleep, so thankful for a peaceful night.
When she drinks, I can't sleep. I think she'll come in to kill me, or I'll wake up with the house on fire. Once last month our dog was barking and I found her laying face down, convulsing on the floor, unable to breathe. I can't sleep knowing that could be happening in the next room.
I love her. I know I can't "rescue" her, but I can't just let her die. I truly feel it's only a matter of time before this happens.
Right now, she realizes she has a problem and has pledged to stop. This is the third night, but she's been away to "get the mail" for 3 hours now ... I have hope because I have to, but promises to change are more common in my house than meals together.
When she is sober, she is the sweetest person I've ever known. She cries and gets sick when I tell her what she's done during her blackout time. From that moment, it's about 18 hours before we're back there again. I don't doubt her when she says she wants to change it ... I believe her ... but then it gets dark and it's like she's possessed.
I was laid off last year and we're pretty poor right now ... but I just started a new job, and that won't last forever. If I had the money right now, I'd leave her right now, this afternoon. I don't though ... not even for a hotel room. Things will be turned around financially in about 2 months. If things aren't turned around by then, I'm leaving. I have told her this as well, and it's the same thing ... when she's sober she's destroyed by the possibility, but when she's drunk she says she can't wait to be rid of me.
We have no social life anymore. I repeatedly turn down invitations to events and dinners because we've started yet another "I'm going to stop drinking", only to have the inevitable happen even hours later. I've lied enough to my friends that I can't be believable anymore, so I just avoid calls. I work from home. I have nobody to talk to. I am absolutely lost. I cry daily out of nowhere in ways that scares me, like I'm fine and then I just can't stand up anymore, only for 30 seconds and then it's gone. I don't feel like I am mentally capable of staying with her or leaving her.
I know this is a long one, and I'm sorry. I know it's probably the same old story. That part actually brings me a little comfort, but right now my heart is beating out of my chest because I know she's coming home soon and I have no idea what that means. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Cerastes,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be very difficult, especially with the physical attacks. It is so good that you have decided to reach out and share with others what you are going through and how you are feeling!
I know that you say you are larger than her but you also say you are concerned that she will kill you and/or burn down the house. These are VERY serious concerns and I wonder, have you thought of calling the police when she becomes physically violent, either with you or anyone else? Assuming that you have not, please know that by NOT allowing in the authorities (those who are put in the position to handle physical violence in our society) when we are attacked we (1) place and KEEP ourselves in physical danger, and (2) shield the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior. That is, we prevent the alcoholic from understanding and realizing the full effects of their own CHOICE to continue to drink. Doing this does not HELP the alcoholic but HURTS them. If you want to truly help her, you may want to consider letting go of this responsibility you have taken on of what you have been thinking is protecting her.
I understand from reading another thread that you are agnostic. You can be agnostic, or even atheist, or even not KNOW what you believe, and still go to and benefit from Al-Anon. I strongly urge you to give it a try. You will find much support there, and people who UNDERSTAND completely what you are going through. There is NOTHING like the physical presence in your life of another human being who understands you.
We ALL need this in our physical lives and while SR and the internet community are all excellent resources for us, you will benefit a lot from trying Al-Anon.
The fact that you are crying suddenly and inexplicably tells me that the stress of living with this person is seriously wearing on you. Do you have access to a health care provider where you can be assessed for depression? If you do not, I suggest going to your local social services or area agency on aging office and requesting assistance. Let me know if you would like me to assist you in finding the contact information for the office closest to you.
Please know that reaching out and sharing like this is the first step in a better, more peaceful direction. There is much for you to learn. But first, and always, take good care of yourself.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It must be very difficult, especially with the physical attacks. It is so good that you have decided to reach out and share with others what you are going through and how you are feeling!
I know that you say you are larger than her but you also say you are concerned that she will kill you and/or burn down the house. These are VERY serious concerns and I wonder, have you thought of calling the police when she becomes physically violent, either with you or anyone else? Assuming that you have not, please know that by NOT allowing in the authorities (those who are put in the position to handle physical violence in our society) when we are attacked we (1) place and KEEP ourselves in physical danger, and (2) shield the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior. That is, we prevent the alcoholic from understanding and realizing the full effects of their own CHOICE to continue to drink. Doing this does not HELP the alcoholic but HURTS them. If you want to truly help her, you may want to consider letting go of this responsibility you have taken on of what you have been thinking is protecting her.
I understand from reading another thread that you are agnostic. You can be agnostic, or even atheist, or even not KNOW what you believe, and still go to and benefit from Al-Anon. I strongly urge you to give it a try. You will find much support there, and people who UNDERSTAND completely what you are going through. There is NOTHING like the physical presence in your life of another human being who understands you.
We ALL need this in our physical lives and while SR and the internet community are all excellent resources for us, you will benefit a lot from trying Al-Anon.The fact that you are crying suddenly and inexplicably tells me that the stress of living with this person is seriously wearing on you. Do you have access to a health care provider where you can be assessed for depression? If you do not, I suggest going to your local social services or area agency on aging office and requesting assistance. Let me know if you would like me to assist you in finding the contact information for the office closest to you.
Please know that reaching out and sharing like this is the first step in a better, more peaceful direction. There is much for you to learn. But first, and always, take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Well, you are on a sinking ship. You have to make the decision to jump off and save yourself, or go down with it in loyalty. What's to gain for you in the longrun? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. Right now you are just existing. Biding time. Waiting for the next shoe to drop to see if things get better.
You ought to go to Alanon. Get a counselor, sort it all out and do what is right for YOU.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it.
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. Right now you are just existing. Biding time. Waiting for the next shoe to drop to see if things get better.
You ought to go to Alanon. Get a counselor, sort it all out and do what is right for YOU.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
What are you getting out of this relationship? If you know you can't rescue or fix her, what is the purpose of staying with her? No one deserves to be abused, and she abuses you on a regular basis.
She's an adult, maybe it's time to allow her to live her life as she pleases, and you start taking care of you.
She's an adult, maybe it's time to allow her to live her life as she pleases, and you start taking care of you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Please keep yourself safe. Disable her car if you have to, sleep in a room with a lock on the door, and by all means, call the police if she gets violent or tries to harm herself. You can't stop her from drinking, but you can keep yourself safe and let her face the consequences of her actions.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Most of us know their "Jekyll and Mr Hyde" syndrome.
If there's no money now for a therapist can you go to AA and/or Alanon? I am not an alcoholic but AA was convenient and I didn't have to spend gas. I thought I was alone and crazy and there they were one after one making me go "oh really?? you TOO??". You don't have to SAY anything, just listen. You can leave anytime. It was my lifeline to know others were struggling to go on for another day.
Whether another person drinks or not, even takes her life or not, its NOT under your control. IT seems so but it isn't. If she wants to kill herself she will do it no matter what. ditto for drinking,drugging, cheating, whatever.
We only control ourselves.... and I agree if you listen to any God/HP talk, or whatever just disregard it.. "Take what helps and leave the rest".. those personal beliefs need not be in the way towards great healing work, company and a better life you started building for yourself joining SR and sharing your feelings
Welcome!!
If there's no money now for a therapist can you go to AA and/or Alanon? I am not an alcoholic but AA was convenient and I didn't have to spend gas. I thought I was alone and crazy and there they were one after one making me go "oh really?? you TOO??". You don't have to SAY anything, just listen. You can leave anytime. It was my lifeline to know others were struggling to go on for another day.
Whether another person drinks or not, even takes her life or not, its NOT under your control. IT seems so but it isn't. If she wants to kill herself she will do it no matter what. ditto for drinking,drugging, cheating, whatever.
We only control ourselves.... and I agree if you listen to any God/HP talk, or whatever just disregard it.. "Take what helps and leave the rest".. those personal beliefs need not be in the way towards great healing work, company and a better life you started building for yourself joining SR and sharing your feelings
Welcome!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
It sounds to me that she reaches points that you would be well within bounds if you called the cops and maybe they would put her in for a psych eval. If she is cutting herself, a threat to you or others... That is just in response to the behaviour and how to handle it NOW
As far as you and your choices go...You will read more about this, and you may read my posts by clicking on my name, see my history, etc, but...They will lose their ability to swim, and they WILL take you down with them.
I have likened my A to the zombies in that movie 28 days later. He may be someone you love or loved, but he will take you down. In the name of alcohol, he will take you down.
You did not mention whether you have kids together, but I would get out before that happens.
The physical abuse stuff is obvious, but, please do not down play the verbal and SEXUAL abuse as well!
You do not deserve this. PLease try to come up with a plan to offer her a choice. If she chooses to get well, then, yay! you can set about healing, but, If she continues on like this, you are in danger and you should leave, set about healing yourself, and find a loving partner one day.
I would sit her down, let her know that you are coming to the end of acceptance of this life. It does not sound like she has tried recovery, with REHAB. She really sounds bad off. My A is like this with the bad alcohol gene. Complete and total annihilation of his "other self" when the drunk turns bad. It will not get better. She needs to get help, and you are not gaing to be able to do that for her.
May you find peace and some path out of this pain
As far as you and your choices go...You will read more about this, and you may read my posts by clicking on my name, see my history, etc, but...They will lose their ability to swim, and they WILL take you down with them.
I have likened my A to the zombies in that movie 28 days later. He may be someone you love or loved, but he will take you down. In the name of alcohol, he will take you down.
You did not mention whether you have kids together, but I would get out before that happens.
The physical abuse stuff is obvious, but, please do not down play the verbal and SEXUAL abuse as well!
You do not deserve this. PLease try to come up with a plan to offer her a choice. If she chooses to get well, then, yay! you can set about healing, but, If she continues on like this, you are in danger and you should leave, set about healing yourself, and find a loving partner one day.
I would sit her down, let her know that you are coming to the end of acceptance of this life. It does not sound like she has tried recovery, with REHAB. She really sounds bad off. My A is like this with the bad alcohol gene. Complete and total annihilation of his "other self" when the drunk turns bad. It will not get better. She needs to get help, and you are not gaing to be able to do that for her.
May you find peace and some path out of this pain
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
is your wife at her most despondant right after a drinking episode? so, like, in the morning? can you first thing in the morning bring her to hospital? they will do a quickie assessment and if the hot button words are said:
"i feel that i may hurt myself" "i feel that i may hurt someone else" they will admit her (psych) for a 72-hour period. since she has said she will quit, there is somewhere inside of her, the desire to quit. she just does not want it badly enough, too weak, what have you, to follow through at this point. but perhaps if she is willing to go to the hospital (e.r., acute mental health) she would maybe see things a little more clearly once sober and safe.
you are living under an incredibly stressful situation.
"i feel that i may hurt myself" "i feel that i may hurt someone else" they will admit her (psych) for a 72-hour period. since she has said she will quit, there is somewhere inside of her, the desire to quit. she just does not want it badly enough, too weak, what have you, to follow through at this point. but perhaps if she is willing to go to the hospital (e.r., acute mental health) she would maybe see things a little more clearly once sober and safe.
you are living under an incredibly stressful situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hi there...so glad you found SR it keeps many of us sane!! I have nothing else to add to the above great advice but also just wanted to add my welcome and support.
SR is a great place to read learn and understand the nature of the disease,here who truly do understand and care. You may not always read it or get the answers the way you hoped BUT there is a wealth of experience compassion and kindness here and I also find it a tremendous support group!
There are some wonderful people here so please keep reading, keep learning and keep posting, many many people care. Take Care......do something nice for yourself today......it really helps......start to take care of you...Phiz
SR is a great place to read learn and understand the nature of the disease,here who truly do understand and care. You may not always read it or get the answers the way you hoped BUT there is a wealth of experience compassion and kindness here and I also find it a tremendous support group!
There are some wonderful people here so please keep reading, keep learning and keep posting, many many people care. Take Care......do something nice for yourself today......it really helps......start to take care of you...Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Welcome to SR cerastes and well done for reaching out and asking for help.
I am so sory to hear what you are going through. Reading your post makes me think you seriously need some support. Are you recieving any counselling, going to A.anon?
Your relationship sounds hurtful and abusive. No-one should accept that sort of traetment. Youi deserve so much more.
I agree.
I am so sory to hear what you are going through. Reading your post makes me think you seriously need some support. Are you recieving any counselling, going to A.anon?
Your relationship sounds hurtful and abusive. No-one should accept that sort of traetment. Youi deserve so much more.
I know that you say you are larger than her but you also say you are concerned that she will kill you and/or burn down the house. These are VERY serious concerns and I wonder, have you thought of calling the police when she becomes physically violent, either with you or anyone else? Assuming that you have not, please know that by NOT allowing in the authorities (those who are put in the position to handle physical violence in our society) when we are attacked we (1) place and KEEP ourselves in physical danger, and (2) shield the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior. That is, we prevent the alcoholic from understanding and realizing the full effects of their own CHOICE to continue to drink. Doing this does not HELP the alcoholic but HURTS them. If you want to truly help her, you may want to consider letting go of this responsibility you have taken on of what you have been thinking is protecting her.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR cerastes, your story sounds very similar to mine. The below post is a sticky from the best of SR section and I can't tell you how much it helped me. I followed the steps as though my sanity depended on it. Keep posting and good luck.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
How are you today, Cerastes?
With such a wonderful name, you probably know the following, but I will share anyway.
The snake is the symbol of life throwing off the past and continuing to live. The serpent sheds its skin to be born again. Thus, the snake is a symbol of transcendence.
It is also a symbol of wholeness, power, hidden knowledge, intuition, awareness and healing. What a fabulous name to choose!
Use that snake power to deal with your life. You can rebirth yourself.
Your wife is abusive. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum on abuse. I strongly encourage you to protect yourself by calling the police when she is attacking others or harming (or even threatening to) harm herself or others. This is an appropriate consequence for her actions and is to protect herself and others.
Is there a friend you could stay with while you save your pennies? This situation, which appears to be occurring nightly, is not one you should have to suffer one more day.
What would happen if you began telling people the truth - no more lies? What if you started spending time with your friends without her? You need that support. I also strongly recommend finding a local Alanon (or AA if there is no Alanon) meeting in your area. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
I see you waking up to how destroyed you are and I applaud you for the courage to share this burden. It's time to start taking steps to care for yourself.
Please keep us informed. Really, how are you today?
Hugs,
w
With such a wonderful name, you probably know the following, but I will share anyway.
The snake is the symbol of life throwing off the past and continuing to live. The serpent sheds its skin to be born again. Thus, the snake is a symbol of transcendence.
It is also a symbol of wholeness, power, hidden knowledge, intuition, awareness and healing. What a fabulous name to choose!
Use that snake power to deal with your life. You can rebirth yourself.
Your wife is abusive. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum on abuse. I strongly encourage you to protect yourself by calling the police when she is attacking others or harming (or even threatening to) harm herself or others. This is an appropriate consequence for her actions and is to protect herself and others.
Is there a friend you could stay with while you save your pennies? This situation, which appears to be occurring nightly, is not one you should have to suffer one more day.
What would happen if you began telling people the truth - no more lies? What if you started spending time with your friends without her? You need that support. I also strongly recommend finding a local Alanon (or AA if there is no Alanon) meeting in your area. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
I see you waking up to how destroyed you are and I applaud you for the courage to share this burden. It's time to start taking steps to care for yourself.
Please keep us informed. Really, how are you today?
Hugs,
w
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome to SR and sharing your story with us. I agree with many others that this is abuse and until she makes the permanent decision to become sober then there really is nothing you can do. As painful as it may seem, you need to make some serious decisions here but the first thing is to get help for yourself thru counseling, Alanon, etc.
I have been in your wife's shoes and I know that alcohol can ruin a marriage. My drinking escalated with my ex-husband because of his verbal abuse. I was unhappy with my life and turned to alcohol to escape. Before I realized it, the booze had taken over. I hated myself when I drank because after the first several drinks passed, my mood shifted most of the time from buzzed, happy and positive to one of anger, depression and loathing. I became embittered and continued to drink to only cry and hate myself when I was reminded of what I said and did when I was eventually sober.
What I will tell you is that I was not suicidal nor was I physically abusive. I was an excellent closet drinker and hid it well that really my ex was the only one to see the full extent of my abuse. The things you share about your wife's behavior when she is drunk do concern me and without sounding harsh....you must think about your own well being and safety.
A person drinks for many reasons and while we have triggers in life....we choose to poor that drink or crack open that beer or take that swig out of the bottle. You need to seek help for yourself through this difficult time.
(((huggs)))
I have been in your wife's shoes and I know that alcohol can ruin a marriage. My drinking escalated with my ex-husband because of his verbal abuse. I was unhappy with my life and turned to alcohol to escape. Before I realized it, the booze had taken over. I hated myself when I drank because after the first several drinks passed, my mood shifted most of the time from buzzed, happy and positive to one of anger, depression and loathing. I became embittered and continued to drink to only cry and hate myself when I was reminded of what I said and did when I was eventually sober.
What I will tell you is that I was not suicidal nor was I physically abusive. I was an excellent closet drinker and hid it well that really my ex was the only one to see the full extent of my abuse. The things you share about your wife's behavior when she is drunk do concern me and without sounding harsh....you must think about your own well being and safety.
A person drinks for many reasons and while we have triggers in life....we choose to poor that drink or crack open that beer or take that swig out of the bottle. You need to seek help for yourself through this difficult time.
(((huggs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11
THANK YOU for the great advice everyone. The real value I am getting here is that it's confirming some of the things I sometimes think, and sometimes don't, and my picture of what I can do, what I am responsible for, and what I can reasonably expect to happen are beginning to solidify.
Something great happened the day I posted this. She came home sober. She told me "It's really gotten bad, huh", and we're going to try some new things. In the days since, she's been setting up for new things, trying new activities, and talking in ways I haven't heard her talk for years. It's the weekend now, so we'll see how well that holds up, but she has the recognition that THIS IS A BAD THING that's happening, and I think she turned a corner. The timing is ridiculous...
I also realize it's only been a few days, and this could be nothing at all. I do think that when she shows this sort of rationale, it needs to be encouraged and helped as much as it can. I have learned from you so far too, that if it turns back the other way, I can't stop it and I will try my best not to let it make me feel like I've failed, or failed her, in some way. So this is day 4 without a drink.
One thing we are doing is getting up at the break of dawn for a hike. The end of the day more or less has us both exhausted, and we're forced into adjusting our daily habits a bit. I think that just getting the chance to honestly evaluate how the flow of her day goes, from optimistic, happy mornings to depressed, stressful, hopeless evenings, can make her see things in a new light.
I'll post again as things go on. I am hopeful but skeptical.
Something great happened the day I posted this. She came home sober. She told me "It's really gotten bad, huh", and we're going to try some new things. In the days since, she's been setting up for new things, trying new activities, and talking in ways I haven't heard her talk for years. It's the weekend now, so we'll see how well that holds up, but she has the recognition that THIS IS A BAD THING that's happening, and I think she turned a corner. The timing is ridiculous...
I also realize it's only been a few days, and this could be nothing at all. I do think that when she shows this sort of rationale, it needs to be encouraged and helped as much as it can. I have learned from you so far too, that if it turns back the other way, I can't stop it and I will try my best not to let it make me feel like I've failed, or failed her, in some way. So this is day 4 without a drink.
One thing we are doing is getting up at the break of dawn for a hike. The end of the day more or less has us both exhausted, and we're forced into adjusting our daily habits a bit. I think that just getting the chance to honestly evaluate how the flow of her day goes, from optimistic, happy mornings to depressed, stressful, hopeless evenings, can make her see things in a new light.
I'll post again as things go on. I am hopeful but skeptical.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
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Hope springs eternal in our hearts more than others it seems. We are true optimists, aren't we! I truly hope she is at that turning point you spoke about, and that her tomorrows are spent in recovery, and your's are in happiness. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Well, it was nice while it lasted! All it took was a phonecall from her sister to knock things off track. I can see from her reaction after I requested that they not smoke in the house that this will be a long night.
The difference is though that this time I won't stay up all night trying to get her to stop drinking and come to bed. I won't do that ever again. If I lay in bed all night and can't sleep, I'd rather do that than kid myself any longer. From now on this is her problem. I'm going hiking in the morning before work and she won't ruin that for me.
The difference is though that this time I won't stay up all night trying to get her to stop drinking and come to bed. I won't do that ever again. If I lay in bed all night and can't sleep, I'd rather do that than kid myself any longer. From now on this is her problem. I'm going hiking in the morning before work and she won't ruin that for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by isurvived 
Hope springs eternal in our hearts more than others it seems. We are true optimists, aren't we! I truly hope she is at that turning point you spoke about, and that her tomorrows are spent in recovery, and your's are in happiness. Good luck to you.
She's out in the garage drinking now with her sister, who conveniently gets to leave and not have to deal with the monster that emerges around beer #11.
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