My Business Partner is an A
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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My Business Partner is an A
It suddenly became clear this week. His behavior is very cyclical, and all though I didn't exactly recognize him as "an A" I was already detaching, not engaging or buying into his drama and working to create clear boundaries.
I guess this was the next step: identifying the other dysfunctional relationships and either healing or ditching them.
right now i'm working to discern if i want to try to continue to work with him.
Makes me wonder how many other folks in my life are alcoholics. At least now i can recongnize this pattern and choose how to deal with it, whereas before I would just run over and enmesh. Look! A crisis waiting to happen. Yippee!!
No freaking thanks.
I guess this was the next step: identifying the other dysfunctional relationships and either healing or ditching them.
right now i'm working to discern if i want to try to continue to work with him.
Makes me wonder how many other folks in my life are alcoholics. At least now i can recongnize this pattern and choose how to deal with it, whereas before I would just run over and enmesh. Look! A crisis waiting to happen. Yippee!!
No freaking thanks.
Last edited by transformyself; 02-24-2010 at 08:08 AM. Reason: typo
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Ahhh, heck. That's bad luck, transformie. I'm glad you've got the tools to deal with this now, though. I always have to see how well the boundaries and detachment work before moving on to ditchification. Sometimes people can be trained to treat us well, regardless of their personal problems. But it's nice nowadays to have a plan either way, and the emotional muscle to back it up. Thank eewwe recovery. Years ago, I'd just end up a mess.
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This is a great topic, and I could use some help in this area as well.
There are several people where I work that are toxic. I really don't know if they are A's, untreated codependents, or just nasty to deal with. It doesn't really matter.
I have a long-term strategy to leave this job, since I feel that the "corporate culture" is part of the problem and contributes to the manipulative behavior. Unfortunately, the long-term strategy is over the next 2-4 years. So, I could use some tips and coping strategies in the short-term.
So far, I try to limit my interaction with the handful of people that push my buttons. But, even so, I cannot stay away from them altogether and still perform my job.
L
There are several people where I work that are toxic. I really don't know if they are A's, untreated codependents, or just nasty to deal with. It doesn't really matter.
I have a long-term strategy to leave this job, since I feel that the "corporate culture" is part of the problem and contributes to the manipulative behavior. Unfortunately, the long-term strategy is over the next 2-4 years. So, I could use some tips and coping strategies in the short-term.
So far, I try to limit my interaction with the handful of people that push my buttons. But, even so, I cannot stay away from them altogether and still perform my job.
L
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I think I have this problem with one of the residents in my block of pensioner units. I have wondered at some of her actions, but she could also have just been a backstabbing and lying B**ch, so I have avoided her as much as possible.
Last night's performance however, caused red flags to wave for me and I ended up telling her to leave my porch area and not come near me again. I still don't know what she was quacking at me for and frankly, don't care why anyway, just will not cop it again.
At work, and needing to be in close contact with suspect A's, for your job, must be stressful and I guess that other than leaving for another job, the only option is to limit contact to as little as you can.
God bless
Last night's performance however, caused red flags to wave for me and I ended up telling her to leave my porch area and not come near me again. I still don't know what she was quacking at me for and frankly, don't care why anyway, just will not cop it again.
At work, and needing to be in close contact with suspect A's, for your job, must be stressful and I guess that other than leaving for another job, the only option is to limit contact to as little as you can.
God bless
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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My b. partner and I telecommute, we meet in person about once a week, at most. When we're going to print, we spend about three days together, working non stop. The most effective trick I have is to not let him take up ANY space in my head. Just move along. NOthing to see here.
LTD
Do you work in an office setting with these toxic folks? Daily contact would be too much for me I think, but I dunno. I tend to think we can do anything we set our mind to. Your situation might just need extreme measures to maintain boundaries. Pleasant, but clear boundaries.
The only proven effective advice I have is what I said above. Don't let them take up any time in your head. If they're idiots, so be it. Have whatever exchange you must and flush them out of your brain asap-set clear boundaries and then let go quickly. Practice, practice detachment. And stay the hell away from them entirely if you have PMS!
You could pretend to have a horribly contagious cold when they come near. Sneeze right at them, then apologize. Do it again.
I"ve been watching this guy for awhile and knew something was off. Now that I can see he's an A, it all makes perfect sense and I know to not get entangled emotionally. Not take his issue personally or try to "help" him.
And Jadmack, "Ragers" suck. I know, I can do it myself and so when i see it happening to other folks, I do have some compassion. But- I also make clear my boundaries. Get off my porch probably works pretty darn well!
LTD
Do you work in an office setting with these toxic folks? Daily contact would be too much for me I think, but I dunno. I tend to think we can do anything we set our mind to. Your situation might just need extreme measures to maintain boundaries. Pleasant, but clear boundaries.
The only proven effective advice I have is what I said above. Don't let them take up any time in your head. If they're idiots, so be it. Have whatever exchange you must and flush them out of your brain asap-set clear boundaries and then let go quickly. Practice, practice detachment. And stay the hell away from them entirely if you have PMS!
You could pretend to have a horribly contagious cold when they come near. Sneeze right at them, then apologize. Do it again.
I"ve been watching this guy for awhile and knew something was off. Now that I can see he's an A, it all makes perfect sense and I know to not get entangled emotionally. Not take his issue personally or try to "help" him.
And Jadmack, "Ragers" suck. I know, I can do it myself and so when i see it happening to other folks, I do have some compassion. But- I also make clear my boundaries. Get off my porch probably works pretty darn well!
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I guess this was the next step: identifying the other dysfunctional relationships and either healing or ditching them.
I know what you mean. My best girlfriend of 15+ years is hooked on vicodin, and has made the transition from roxi to vikes seem like an accomplishment. The last time we took HER kids to lunch, the outbursts in the restaurant demonstrated too much dysfunction on both her and her childrens disposition. She wound up flipping a plate, walking home. I told her that I'm not THAT codependent on our friendship to tolerate such disrespect, and haven't talked to her since. Now, I have reduced my circle of "friends" since my late fiance' overdosed. I'm living in a dot, not a circle. But the longer I'm outo of the chaotic drama, the more confident about my decision feels. Now, these people aren't signing my paycheck, so your business partner and yourself is a unique though potentially toxic relationship. Are you willing to forego this business partner and acquire another?
I know what you mean. My best girlfriend of 15+ years is hooked on vicodin, and has made the transition from roxi to vikes seem like an accomplishment. The last time we took HER kids to lunch, the outbursts in the restaurant demonstrated too much dysfunction on both her and her childrens disposition. She wound up flipping a plate, walking home. I told her that I'm not THAT codependent on our friendship to tolerate such disrespect, and haven't talked to her since. Now, I have reduced my circle of "friends" since my late fiance' overdosed. I'm living in a dot, not a circle. But the longer I'm outo of the chaotic drama, the more confident about my decision feels. Now, these people aren't signing my paycheck, so your business partner and yourself is a unique though potentially toxic relationship. Are you willing to forego this business partner and acquire another?
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I"m willing to do whatever is for my and my childrens greater good. He may end up walking away, in a dramatic Madonna-style outburst. He's already done it once (like your girlfriend thanks for that comparison, these people and their games are so easily identifiable now) and then came back "Oh Baby"-ing us to be let back in. As long as I don't play his games, he'll have to find someone else to play drama queen with. When he starts ranting about anything, I set a clear boundary. So far, he's accepted those boundaries.
Now that I've realized he's an A-it's soooo much easier to accept him for waht he is and not engage in the BS. Setting the boundaries is easer and like I said, he seems to respect them.
Here's an example. We had a meeting early one morning. He sat there staring off into space like he was going to throw up, them started freaking out on us. Escalating. I said, "I dont' understand what you're trying to tell me and don't want you to speak to me this way. If you don't lower your voice, take a breath and calm down, I'm leaving and we'll have to reschedule."
That worked immediatly. We all drove about two hours to meet that day and no one wanted to have to do it again. Then he gets all contrite, the very same pattern my AH has. I had seen him escalating over the past weeks, he build resentment and then blows. Plays victim. Doesn't take care of himself, refuses to take money then complains that he's not getting paid.
Like I said, I was handling it well before I figured out he's an A. And now I just don't THINK about him. With exception to the work we have to do, I do not in any way allow myself to become attached to him as a friend or person. I know it sounds cruel in some way, and I"m very friendly and nice to him in general, but I dont' waste a second of my time thinking about his drama. Just getting the paper out.
It's working for me for now. We have investors wanting to give us money and when that happens, he'll be working in a completly different capacity-not even on the paper really.
Now that I've realized he's an A-it's soooo much easier to accept him for waht he is and not engage in the BS. Setting the boundaries is easer and like I said, he seems to respect them.
Here's an example. We had a meeting early one morning. He sat there staring off into space like he was going to throw up, them started freaking out on us. Escalating. I said, "I dont' understand what you're trying to tell me and don't want you to speak to me this way. If you don't lower your voice, take a breath and calm down, I'm leaving and we'll have to reschedule."
That worked immediatly. We all drove about two hours to meet that day and no one wanted to have to do it again. Then he gets all contrite, the very same pattern my AH has. I had seen him escalating over the past weeks, he build resentment and then blows. Plays victim. Doesn't take care of himself, refuses to take money then complains that he's not getting paid.
Like I said, I was handling it well before I figured out he's an A. And now I just don't THINK about him. With exception to the work we have to do, I do not in any way allow myself to become attached to him as a friend or person. I know it sounds cruel in some way, and I"m very friendly and nice to him in general, but I dont' waste a second of my time thinking about his drama. Just getting the paper out.
It's working for me for now. We have investors wanting to give us money and when that happens, he'll be working in a completly different capacity-not even on the paper really.
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
LTD
Do you work in an office setting with these toxic folks? Daily contact would be too much for me I think, but I dunno. I tend to think we can do anything we set our mind to. Your situation might just need extreme measures to maintain boundaries. Pleasant, but clear boundaries.
The only proven effective advice I have is what I said above. Don't let them take up any time in your head. If they're idiots, so be it. Have whatever exchange you must and flush them out of your brain asap-set clear boundaries and then let go quickly. Practice, practice detachment. And stay the hell away from them entirely if you have PMS!
You could pretend to have a horribly contagious cold when they come near. Sneeze right at them, then apologize. Do it again.
Do you work in an office setting with these toxic folks? Daily contact would be too much for me I think, but I dunno. I tend to think we can do anything we set our mind to. Your situation might just need extreme measures to maintain boundaries. Pleasant, but clear boundaries.
The only proven effective advice I have is what I said above. Don't let them take up any time in your head. If they're idiots, so be it. Have whatever exchange you must and flush them out of your brain asap-set clear boundaries and then let go quickly. Practice, practice detachment. And stay the hell away from them entirely if you have PMS!
You could pretend to have a horribly contagious cold when they come near. Sneeze right at them, then apologize. Do it again.
When I was all enmeshed with my A, dysfunction at work was a drop in the bucket. Now, it's bigger and more glaring.
There's one person who is a rager, too. I think she bothers me the most. I've been in her office when she started screaming. Not even at me, at someone else, and I had to get out of there. I felt like I was going to suffocate. Funny how she gets glowing performance evaluations every year, and I get marked down for poor communication, yet never once in 13 years have I EVER screamed at anyone on the job.
I am 48 and eligible for early retirement at 50. I can't wait to get out of here!
L
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Transform, I am so happy to see how clearly you were able to identify a potential codie trap and start setting limits and making plans for how to avoid falling into it. You have been so diligent working on your issues and I find your progress very uplifting and personally encouraging.
I have a few coworkers that are like that as well. I am finding that for me the best way to deal with them is with detachment and compassion. Most people don't recognize their own toxicity or destructive behaviors, but its also not my job to coach them on it or "help" them unless they directly report to me. I tend to listen to these people politely, offer empathy when necessary, politely end conversations when they are upset about something and walk away determined not to spend any time overthinking THEIR problems. When the problem directly affects me, its more difficult. That is when I find I really have to take time to stop and think about what I say and keep myself from getting emotional and overreacting. I like to think I'm making progress there.
I have a few coworkers that are like that as well. I am finding that for me the best way to deal with them is with detachment and compassion. Most people don't recognize their own toxicity or destructive behaviors, but its also not my job to coach them on it or "help" them unless they directly report to me. I tend to listen to these people politely, offer empathy when necessary, politely end conversations when they are upset about something and walk away determined not to spend any time overthinking THEIR problems. When the problem directly affects me, its more difficult. That is when I find I really have to take time to stop and think about what I say and keep myself from getting emotional and overreacting. I like to think I'm making progress there.
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Latee - what are their supervisors like? Would any of them be receptive to you sharing your feelings?
w
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So, mostly I just avoid her as much as possible, and get the hell away from her as fast as I can when avoidance isn't possible.
L
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Just two more years LTD! Keep that emotional distance. I bet it's hard, but the letting go as soon as humanly possible trick is what's saving me.
I just got off the phone with my other partner (there are three of us) and she's a mess. She is terrified and says if we don't coddle the A partner "he will destroy us."
I laughed, but shouldn't have. What is he, Darth Vader?
She says her dad is a recovering A and she's been to alanon, so I encouraged her to do the same and not let this guy get to her. She is somewhat harder to deal with than he is at times, they have a codie/alkie relationship going full blast.
Best news is: they both have other businesses and once we get more funding, they'll go elsewhere I think. Neither wants to run a newspaper, but they sure love the product I'm putting out.
For now I'm working, watching, waiting. If they don't straighten up, I'll leave them both in disgust and start my own freaking paper, as there is none to compete with ours-yet.
But for now I"m not playing the game. Just working and getting back to my wonderful little life..
I just got off the phone with my other partner (there are three of us) and she's a mess. She is terrified and says if we don't coddle the A partner "he will destroy us."
I laughed, but shouldn't have. What is he, Darth Vader?
She says her dad is a recovering A and she's been to alanon, so I encouraged her to do the same and not let this guy get to her. She is somewhat harder to deal with than he is at times, they have a codie/alkie relationship going full blast.
Best news is: they both have other businesses and once we get more funding, they'll go elsewhere I think. Neither wants to run a newspaper, but they sure love the product I'm putting out.
For now I'm working, watching, waiting. If they don't straighten up, I'll leave them both in disgust and start my own freaking paper, as there is none to compete with ours-yet.
But for now I"m not playing the game. Just working and getting back to my wonderful little life..
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Originally Posted by transformyself
Just two more years LTD! Keep that emotional distance. I bet it's hard, but the letting go as soon as humanly possible trick is what's saving me.
Originally Posted by transformyself
I laughed, but shouldn't have. What is he, Darth Vader?
I need to keep remembering what I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. No matter what happens, I will be okay.
L
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Originally Posted by transformyself
She is terrified and says if we don't coddle the A partner "he will destroy us."
I laughed, but shouldn't have. What is he, Darth Vader?
I laughed, but shouldn't have. What is he, Darth Vader?
Whenever I re-remember that I am safe and I am lucky for my life's bounty, it's like I am awakening from a dream!
I Love Who I Am
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No matter what happens, I will be okay.
Her saying that "he can destroy us," was so ridiculous to me. Yes, I know politics and i know the games people play, but seriously, why give someone that much power? He can't destroy us! That's insane.
Acting on fear is never the right thing to do, never.
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