I made a call.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I made a call.
So, as some of you may know....Mr. Sofa moved out on Saturday. He's been out of the house for 2 months now.
He's out of control! Desperate for $$$ and living with his parents. I have been his target, because he needs somebody to be mad at and blame. And right now....it's Me. But I am not letting him. I made the decision and commitment to myself that I will not talk to him via phone, text or e mail unless he is IN rehab. Period.
So, I did something this morning in one last effort to nudge him.
I called his counselor in Miami. She was such an inspiration to him while he was in rehab, and he became very close to her...trusted her.
I called her to asked if she could just call him to say hello. I told her about his relapse and how he has been gone for 2 months now. He is supposed to get on a plane to go overseas for 3 months tomorrow. I fear that if he does....he's done for. She agreed and was more than willing to give him a call.
I know it's his problem....but I felt that if maybe he heard a voice on the phone that he trusts, maybe he will realize he is not alone and he does have choices.
I am in no means trying to control him or his life.....but if just a phone call could save his life.....then it was worth it. Well...maybe a little nudge is what I am doing.
I do not have any expectations on this....just a little hope.
Needed to share this with my SR family. I will keep you updated. I expect he will still get on that plane....but I will hope that he doesn't.
He's out of control! Desperate for $$$ and living with his parents. I have been his target, because he needs somebody to be mad at and blame. And right now....it's Me. But I am not letting him. I made the decision and commitment to myself that I will not talk to him via phone, text or e mail unless he is IN rehab. Period.
So, I did something this morning in one last effort to nudge him.
I called his counselor in Miami. She was such an inspiration to him while he was in rehab, and he became very close to her...trusted her.
I called her to asked if she could just call him to say hello. I told her about his relapse and how he has been gone for 2 months now. He is supposed to get on a plane to go overseas for 3 months tomorrow. I fear that if he does....he's done for. She agreed and was more than willing to give him a call.
I know it's his problem....but I felt that if maybe he heard a voice on the phone that he trusts, maybe he will realize he is not alone and he does have choices.
I am in no means trying to control him or his life.....but if just a phone call could save his life.....then it was worth it. Well...maybe a little nudge is what I am doing.
I do not have any expectations on this....just a little hope.
Needed to share this with my SR family. I will keep you updated. I expect he will still get on that plane....but I will hope that he doesn't.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yeah, I remember doing something similar with my son's counselors. (Counselors are angels from heaven, if you ask me.) He saw her number pop up and never took her call. 
Sometimes the magic just isn't there. I hope that's not the case for Mr. Sofa.
Sometimes the magic just isn't there. I hope that's not the case for Mr. Sofa.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 52
Hi Sofa,
Sometimes we have to make a call. Sometimes we have to do that thing that will help us know we gave it our best shot - that we did everything we could and we have no regrets.
You've done your part. I will hope with you.
Sometimes we have to make a call. Sometimes we have to do that thing that will help us know we gave it our best shot - that we did everything we could and we have no regrets.
You've done your part. I will hope with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
What you did was for you. I do understand. It's like just making one small attempt, not to control or enable but hopefully a way for his HP to reach out to him.
Then you let it go.
I would have done the same thing, so that I would'nt question myself later down the line, wondering "what if"
Now it's time to let natural consequences occur, because none of us knows what tommorrow will bring.
Hugs,
Teggie
Then you let it go.
I would have done the same thing, so that I would'nt question myself later down the line, wondering "what if"
Now it's time to let natural consequences occur, because none of us knows what tommorrow will bring.
Hugs,
Teggie
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi Sofa
I've thought about doing the same thing with my abf. Strangely enough, his mom's old doctor lost his license because he became addicted to narcotics. We ran into him somewhere and when he told my abf what had happened and why he had left the practice, I've never seen my abf so disoriented. Literally, he kept messing up his sentences and was just weirdly giddy. I really think that it was because this person who he respected was in his same situation. I've considered calling this guy and asking him to call my abf just to see how things are going. He sure seemed to have an affect on him that day. But I've stayed out of it because I didn't know if that was overstepping my bounds. I'm glad to hear that others think about doing those things too (and even attempt them). I hope that if the counselor gives him a call, it does some good. Even if it isn't immediate, you never know what sticks in their brains for them to dig up later when they are ready.
I've thought about doing the same thing with my abf. Strangely enough, his mom's old doctor lost his license because he became addicted to narcotics. We ran into him somewhere and when he told my abf what had happened and why he had left the practice, I've never seen my abf so disoriented. Literally, he kept messing up his sentences and was just weirdly giddy. I really think that it was because this person who he respected was in his same situation. I've considered calling this guy and asking him to call my abf just to see how things are going. He sure seemed to have an affect on him that day. But I've stayed out of it because I didn't know if that was overstepping my bounds. I'm glad to hear that others think about doing those things too (and even attempt them). I hope that if the counselor gives him a call, it does some good. Even if it isn't immediate, you never know what sticks in their brains for them to dig up later when they are ready.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Hi sofa, I found the best thing for my AH is prayer. I tried everything you are trying right now. I thought if just one person comes along and says just the right thing, he may get it. I tried talking to Dr's, therapists, pastors, friends to talk to him, to no avail. I then was taught the 3 C's, I didn't cause it, can't CONTROL it, can't cure it. I was trying to prevent the worst, trying to control the worst from happening. I feared for so long he would die. I entered therapy 1 yr ago with that fear. Well he's not dead. I will fear no more because fear involves torment. And as I trust God, who I know can do all things, I'm seeing Him work in awesome ways. I found the best thing for me is to pray that God will change me, keeping me in the place of His peace. Although I miss my AH, I feel peace and finally joy. I could only hope that AH will have this one day, he has no idea what he's missing. Anyway Gods will be done, even if that includes protecting me and son.
I'm praying that God gets you through this and heals your broken heart.
One day at a time.
Huggs,
NH7
I'm praying that God gets you through this and heals your broken heart.
One day at a time.
Huggs,
NH7
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Thank guys....
I'm okay...not having a codie control relapse....it really was just one last thing that I knew I could do, so I can lay my head on my pillow at night completely at peace with myself.
I have let go, and I feel better than I ever have. The minute he moved his things out
(which I had been avoiding) the heaviness just lifted right off of me. I have so much energy and drive....and I am actually enjoying my life again.
Living in a constant state of "waiting" was no fun....I didn't realize just how long I had been doing that to myself. Now things are different, calm and peaceful.
I just needed to make that call for myself.....yes, I said myself. I own up to that, but if it's just one thing that can make a difference....a phone call....then I am okay with that. Now, I'm leaving it to the professionals...that's their job, not mine. And it's his job to want to get and stay sober.....
My job is to have a good day today, for Me.
I'm okay...not having a codie control relapse....it really was just one last thing that I knew I could do, so I can lay my head on my pillow at night completely at peace with myself.
I have let go, and I feel better than I ever have. The minute he moved his things out
(which I had been avoiding) the heaviness just lifted right off of me. I have so much energy and drive....and I am actually enjoying my life again.
Living in a constant state of "waiting" was no fun....I didn't realize just how long I had been doing that to myself. Now things are different, calm and peaceful.
I just needed to make that call for myself.....yes, I said myself. I own up to that, but if it's just one thing that can make a difference....a phone call....then I am okay with that. Now, I'm leaving it to the professionals...that's their job, not mine. And it's his job to want to get and stay sober.....
My job is to have a good day today, for Me.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Surprise, surprise.....no he didn't get on the plane....nor did he go to rehab.
He told me he had to leave today for 3 months to go overseas.....but he is still here.
So I guess he lied about that ( Shocker! )...I know this because he kept calling and texting Me. Told me he needs to come to the house tomorrow morning for some paperwork he left here. Hmph. I packed every bit of anything that could be his....and it is sitting outside the front door.
Now he is badgering Me to give him back the ring he gave me. What?????
He's desperate for money....basically only took the things from the house he knew he could sell....and now he's going after my ring. And is being threatening.
Why can't he just go away? I mean, really. It is really bothering Me.
Ugh. I hate drugs, I really do.
He told me he had to leave today for 3 months to go overseas.....but he is still here.
So I guess he lied about that ( Shocker! )...I know this because he kept calling and texting Me. Told me he needs to come to the house tomorrow morning for some paperwork he left here. Hmph. I packed every bit of anything that could be his....and it is sitting outside the front door.
Now he is badgering Me to give him back the ring he gave me. What?????
He's desperate for money....basically only took the things from the house he knew he could sell....and now he's going after my ring. And is being threatening.
Why can't he just go away? I mean, really. It is really bothering Me.
Ugh. I hate drugs, I really do.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Now he is badgering Me to give him back the ring he gave me. What?????
He's desperate for money....basically only took the things from the house he knew he could sell....and now he's going after my ring. And is being threatening.
He's desperate for money....basically only took the things from the house he knew he could sell....and now he's going after my ring. And is being threatening.
Then 'lock' it away for a while.
We do what we have to do, yes even lie once in a while, to get the 'harassment' from the A in our lives to stop.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Lock it up, he doesn't deserve it. Maybye a safe deposit box?
No contact, for your safety, he's very unstable right now. Did you change the locks?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this sofa, no contact will get you out of his hula hoop.
Better to be totally apart than to watch himself kill himself.
I truly felt like my AH was killing himself, I thought every day "Is this the day he won't wake up?" I had to go limited contact with him because it was messing with my head big time.
(((((((Hugs to you))))))))
Teggie
No contact, for your safety, he's very unstable right now. Did you change the locks?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this sofa, no contact will get you out of his hula hoop.
Better to be totally apart than to watch himself kill himself.
I truly felt like my AH was killing himself, I thought every day "Is this the day he won't wake up?" I had to go limited contact with him because it was messing with my head big time.
(((((((Hugs to you))))))))
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Bravo....!!!! to both Laurie and Teggie.....I've been in kind of a strange mood lately, and want to take this one wee step further (farther? eh, whatever...LOLOL).
I often-times tell folks (with tongue-in-cheek, but in a semi-serious vein too) that I belong to the "Fox Mulder" school of recovery.....trust NoOne!!!!
Going along with this, I'm making this, what may seem like a very strange, suggestion. After clearing out your 'true' valuables, you might want to take another glance around. Even if something hasn't any monetary/financial value, but perhaps has sentimental value, you may want to gather and hide these items also---not necessarily in a bank's safety deposit box, but out of the way.
I know this may sound strange, but when A's are gettin down to the 'nitty-gritty' they sometimes can get very vindictive (believe me, I've known plenty) and I'd hate to read a post from y'all in the future bemoaning the loss of ______________.
I hope all works out...........for you; you and your family are in my prayers (yeah, him too.....he needs them, more than even he realizes).
NoelleR
I often-times tell folks (with tongue-in-cheek, but in a semi-serious vein too) that I belong to the "Fox Mulder" school of recovery.....trust NoOne!!!!
Going along with this, I'm making this, what may seem like a very strange, suggestion. After clearing out your 'true' valuables, you might want to take another glance around. Even if something hasn't any monetary/financial value, but perhaps has sentimental value, you may want to gather and hide these items also---not necessarily in a bank's safety deposit box, but out of the way.
I know this may sound strange, but when A's are gettin down to the 'nitty-gritty' they sometimes can get very vindictive (believe me, I've known plenty) and I'd hate to read a post from y'all in the future bemoaning the loss of ______________.
I hope all works out...........for you; you and your family are in my prayers (yeah, him too.....he needs them, more than even he realizes).
NoelleR
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
So about the call I made to his counselor at the rehab he went to.....she said she DID speak to him and he told her a BS story about why we weren't together anymore. He told her we broke up because I didn't like his meetings ( AA ) schedule. WAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Ugh. He didn't even confess to her an itty bitty slip....he told her he was great and about to get his 60 day chip, and that he has been clean and sober. Sad.
Ain't nobody home in his head right now except Mr. Oxy. Man, he's in a bad way.
About Me? I talked to a police officer that I am friends with and she told me once he moves out....he can't come back and/or come in the house. If he wants anything from me he will have to take me to court. I had the locks changed this morning....and if he keeps sending me threatening texts i will have to file a report with the police to document it. If he continues, and I contact them, they will issue a warrant on him for harassment. i hope it doesn't come to that. I just want my life to be quiet. But at least I know what my rights are and I will sleep better tonight.
About the ring... I may have to give it back legally, and to be honest...I don't want it anymore. Don't even think he was sober when he gave it to Me. I am just holding out for a couple of weeks until I figure out the best plan.
I have a great job....I will buy my own ring.
Ain't nobody home in his head right now except Mr. Oxy. Man, he's in a bad way.
About Me? I talked to a police officer that I am friends with and she told me once he moves out....he can't come back and/or come in the house. If he wants anything from me he will have to take me to court. I had the locks changed this morning....and if he keeps sending me threatening texts i will have to file a report with the police to document it. If he continues, and I contact them, they will issue a warrant on him for harassment. i hope it doesn't come to that. I just want my life to be quiet. But at least I know what my rights are and I will sleep better tonight.
About the ring... I may have to give it back legally, and to be honest...I don't want it anymore. Don't even think he was sober when he gave it to Me. I am just holding out for a couple of weeks until I figure out the best plan.
I have a great job....I will buy my own ring.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
again, you sound great, sofa
i was thinkin the same thing about the ring - to tell him that you already pawned it. then he would have to drop it. i don't get the part about may legally have to give it back? sounds weird. glad you changed the locks. one day, this really will be over.
i was thinkin the same thing about the ring - to tell him that you already pawned it. then he would have to drop it. i don't get the part about may legally have to give it back? sounds weird. glad you changed the locks. one day, this really will be over.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Yes Coffee.... you do have to legally give it back. Most Men are "man" enough not to ask for it back...but i assume that the majority of men who don't ask for it back aren't drug addicts.
It's crap, really. I guess the courts don't wanna get mangled up in the yours and mine thing...so they just award it to the giver of the ring. Some states vary on this.
Now, if I want to be a sh!t about this....he did give it to me on my 40th B Day....and it is considered a gift. It belongs to Me.
I just don't want to get into it with Him. I didn't want to give it back for many reasons.
One...he gave it to Me.
Two...I'm afraid if he gets it, he'll sell it and possibly OD. Now, I can't keep him from shooting himself, but I don't want to hand him the gun either, ya know?
And
Three...If I give it back to Him I will be setting the example that if he threatens Me, I comply. Not a good idea...ya know?
I just think what He is doing is wrong on so many levels. And if He is lucky enough to live to see His next rehab...he's gonna feel pretty damn bad about what he has done.
Shame.
It's crap, really. I guess the courts don't wanna get mangled up in the yours and mine thing...so they just award it to the giver of the ring. Some states vary on this.
Now, if I want to be a sh!t about this....he did give it to me on my 40th B Day....and it is considered a gift. It belongs to Me.
I just don't want to get into it with Him. I didn't want to give it back for many reasons.
One...he gave it to Me.
Two...I'm afraid if he gets it, he'll sell it and possibly OD. Now, I can't keep him from shooting himself, but I don't want to hand him the gun either, ya know?
And
Three...If I give it back to Him I will be setting the example that if he threatens Me, I comply. Not a good idea...ya know?
I just think what He is doing is wrong on so many levels. And if He is lucky enough to live to see His next rehab...he's gonna feel pretty damn bad about what he has done.
Shame.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Hey sofa..............this may not be recovery but my thought is............your ring go pawn it..........take the cash and go buy something for yourself, if he wants the ring give him the pawn slip............
he doesnt want the ring he wants the chance to pawn it so pawn it first.
he doesnt want the ring he wants the chance to pawn it so pawn it first.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hey lies
I'm pretty sure if I pawn it, He would have grounds to recover it's value from Me.
Just not worth it.
His best childhood friend is an attorney so He's getting free counsel at the moment. Mr.Sofa is no longer going to cost me $$$$.....no way.
I went to the Tiffany website last night and found a couple of rings in my price range. I think I'm gonna start saving up for one. I have always wanted a Tiffany ring....so by golly...I'm gonna get one!
I just hope that he either really IS leaving the country on Tuesday, or decides to go back to rehab. Either way, I had the locks changed and I am now sleeping well at night.
Walking away from it.
I'm pretty sure if I pawn it, He would have grounds to recover it's value from Me.
Just not worth it.
His best childhood friend is an attorney so He's getting free counsel at the moment. Mr.Sofa is no longer going to cost me $$$$.....no way.
I went to the Tiffany website last night and found a couple of rings in my price range. I think I'm gonna start saving up for one. I have always wanted a Tiffany ring....so by golly...I'm gonna get one!
I just hope that he either really IS leaving the country on Tuesday, or decides to go back to rehab. Either way, I had the locks changed and I am now sleeping well at night.
Walking away from it.
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