Living with a functional alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1
Living with a functional alcoholic
My OHs drinking has passed the point where its social. Its now about as anti social as it gets. He collects the children from schools, buys 2 bottles of wine on his way home. Cooks dinner whilst drinking half the first bottle. Finishes that bottle with dinner. Starts the second bottle immdiately after dinner, finishes that and then when I arrive home from work starts to tell me how worthless I am.
He excels at his daytime job, he doesn't drink and drive and it appears that the only person who has a problem with the amount he drinks or his Jeckyl and Hyde behaviour is me.
I'm rapidly reaching the point where I want to leave him to self destruct but I love him too much to abandon him. Although it appears I am the reason he drinks. Nothing I do is good enough or so I keep being told and so my inadequacies make him drink as a means of escape. He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am. He remembers nothing of this in the morning but invariably spends half the day sulking on the off chance he did have a rant although invariably I'm treated as though I made all this up.
Is there a way of breaking this cycle or do I need to cut my losses, take our children and hope that hes a strong enough person to do smoething about it (assuming he wants to)?
He excels at his daytime job, he doesn't drink and drive and it appears that the only person who has a problem with the amount he drinks or his Jeckyl and Hyde behaviour is me.
I'm rapidly reaching the point where I want to leave him to self destruct but I love him too much to abandon him. Although it appears I am the reason he drinks. Nothing I do is good enough or so I keep being told and so my inadequacies make him drink as a means of escape. He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am. He remembers nothing of this in the morning but invariably spends half the day sulking on the off chance he did have a rant although invariably I'm treated as though I made all this up.
Is there a way of breaking this cycle or do I need to cut my losses, take our children and hope that hes a strong enough person to do smoething about it (assuming he wants to)?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recover Family!
We're glad you found us. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
You are correct that you will need to let him find his own way. One of the first tools I learned in coping with alcoholism was the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did. I removed myself and my children from a home with an active alcoholic. I did not want my marriage as a role model for their future relationships. By staying, I was continuing to accept unacceptable behavior.
I started to get help for myself through SR, Alanon and self-help books. It is a process. I didn't get into the situation overnight and it took time to get out of the situation.
Please read and post as much as you need. We are here to support you.
We're glad you found us. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here.
You are correct that you will need to let him find his own way. One of the first tools I learned in coping with alcoholism was the three C's:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did. I removed myself and my children from a home with an active alcoholic. I did not want my marriage as a role model for their future relationships. By staying, I was continuing to accept unacceptable behavior.
I started to get help for myself through SR, Alanon and self-help books. It is a process. I didn't get into the situation overnight and it took time to get out of the situation.
Please read and post as much as you need. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
it appears that the only person who has a problem with the amount he drinks or his Jeckyl and Hyde behaviour is me.
I wouldn't worry about what other people think. They don't have to live with it.
He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am.
My husband used to do this too and now that I am in recovery I must say that whilst I was 'not a pathetic excuse for a person', something was very wrong within me to have tolerated his treatment.
Another thing I realised while in recovery is that the children do not enter a sound proof room when they go to their bedrooms. They hear everything, they see everything. If I'm watching a horrow show of my life, they aren't getting a Disney version of it. They see what you see.
I wouldn't worry about what other people think. They don't have to live with it.
He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am.
My husband used to do this too and now that I am in recovery I must say that whilst I was 'not a pathetic excuse for a person', something was very wrong within me to have tolerated his treatment.
Another thing I realised while in recovery is that the children do not enter a sound proof room when they go to their bedrooms. They hear everything, they see everything. If I'm watching a horrow show of my life, they aren't getting a Disney version of it. They see what you see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
I was in a similar position when I was actively drinking, my wife bore the brunt of the effects of my drinking.
I don't have too much advice to offer, but you should be making clear to your husband what is not acceptable behaviour for you and your children, and what you will not put up with. It doesn't matter what other people think, what matters is what is important to you.
I know my wife had issues with low self-esteem, which meant that she tolerated what she shouldn't have tolerated. If this is the case with you, you may want to work on yourself. It may not lead to his recovery, but it may help to limit the damaging effects of his active drinking.
I don't have too much advice to offer, but you should be making clear to your husband what is not acceptable behaviour for you and your children, and what you will not put up with. It doesn't matter what other people think, what matters is what is important to you.
I know my wife had issues with low self-esteem, which meant that she tolerated what she shouldn't have tolerated. If this is the case with you, you may want to work on yourself. It may not lead to his recovery, but it may help to limit the damaging effects of his active drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi isittoolate...and 
to SR! This is an awesome place filled with supportive people. I do hope you come back regularly and post as much as you like.
This is called blameshifting and it's one of the nifty tools in an alcoholic's toolkit to avoid (at all costs) taking responsiblity for his addiction.
I refer you to one of my favourite Classic Reading posts which appears in the "stickies" section at the top of our forum. It's an eye-opening read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
This is called ABUSE. It doesn't matter if the man isn't hitting you; he is abusing you verbally and emotionally by berating you on a regular basis.
You mention your children...how old are they? Do they get to see their father's stellar behaviour? Please consider the unspoken message that you are sending them by tolerating this behaviour from your husband: "it's ok for a man to treat a woman this way".
There is a way but it's not within your power to do this. Your husband has to choose recovery and nothing you can do/say/think will influence his choice, just as nothing you can do/say/think will make him drink. The only power you have is over yourself.
Right now, it seems you would benefit a great deal from attending al-anon or perhaps counselling. If your children are old enough, there's Al-Ateen, which would offer them some support for dealing with an alcoholic father.
Please keep posting!
to SR! This is an awesome place filled with supportive people. I do hope you come back regularly and post as much as you like.
Originally Posted by isittoolate 
Although it appears I am the reason he drinks. Nothing I do is good enough or so I keep being told and so my inadequacies make him drink as a means of escape.
I refer you to one of my favourite Classic Reading posts which appears in the "stickies" section at the top of our forum. It's an eye-opening read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
Originally Posted by isittoolate
He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am.
You mention your children...how old are they? Do they get to see their father's stellar behaviour? Please consider the unspoken message that you are sending them by tolerating this behaviour from your husband: "it's ok for a man to treat a woman this way".
Originally Posted by isittoolate
Is there a way of breaking this cycle or do I need to cut my losses, take our children and hope that hes a strong enough person to do smoething about it (assuming he wants to)?
Right now, it seems you would benefit a great deal from attending al-anon or perhaps counselling. If your children are old enough, there's Al-Ateen, which would offer them some support for dealing with an alcoholic father.
Please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"Although it appears I am the reason he drinks. Nothing I do is good enough or so I keep being told and so my inadequacies make him drink as a means of escape. "
You are NOT the reason that he drinks. It is not about you, it's about him.
You are NOT the reason that he drinks. It is not about you, it's about him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
iitl - there are things you can do for yourself that would help you feel better, see more clearly, and get through this time. A variety of wonderful options have helped many of us. Things like:
- Alanon and a sponsor
- Counseling (you might consider someone who specializes in alcoholism and/or domestic abuse
- Spending time with friends and/or family who support you
- Eat right, sleep well
- See your doctor to see if there are any medications that might help you
- Spend time on this forum if it's comfortable for you, it's been excellent help and support for many of us
- You might consider contacting the domestic violence hotline. Emotional abuse is often more damaging long term than physical violence is. Please don't dismiss or minimize its effect on you.
Whether you stay with your OH, or decide to leave, taking care of yourself is of paramount importance. If you care for yourself, then you will be able to care for your children.
We're all glad you found this site!
Hugs,
Tigger
- Alanon and a sponsor
- Counseling (you might consider someone who specializes in alcoholism and/or domestic abuse
- Spending time with friends and/or family who support you
- Eat right, sleep well
- See your doctor to see if there are any medications that might help you
- Spend time on this forum if it's comfortable for you, it's been excellent help and support for many of us
- You might consider contacting the domestic violence hotline. Emotional abuse is often more damaging long term than physical violence is. Please don't dismiss or minimize its effect on you.
Whether you stay with your OH, or decide to leave, taking care of yourself is of paramount importance. If you care for yourself, then you will be able to care for your children.
We're all glad you found this site!
Hugs,
Tigger
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
I will not cure it
I totally understood w/my stbXAH that I didn't cause it and that I can't control it. This last one was a much harder concept for me. It is the one that changed me. Stay or go, no matter what you do, he is not going to get better until HE is ready to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by BeautifulG
Stay or go, no matter what you do, he is not going to get better until HE is ready to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello welcome to SR and thank you for sharing your story.
There really is a lot of information and support here.
By reading others posts you may connect or relate to their stories.
The "stickys" are full of information
We are here to listen and offer support.
This sadly is verbal abuse.
I personally chose to end my relationship with an alcoholic primarily for myself but also for my children knowing the choices I make are a critical example to them of what is acceptable behaviour.
As much as you may want to help him, change him, make him see the consequences of his drinking please know...
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
I know that has already been posted but it took me a few reads before this message actually sunk in for me.
Interesting that you titled yout thread "Living with a functional alcoholic" There was a thread about that here over the past few days. How is he functioning? By attending work and cooking dinner? I ask you.. Is he functioning as an equal loving partner?. Is he functioning as a parent providing a healthy role model? Is he functioning as a son, brother, neighbour, lover, friend?
There really is a lot of information and support here.
By reading others posts you may connect or relate to their stories.
The "stickys" are full of information
We are here to listen and offer support.
He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am.
I personally chose to end my relationship with an alcoholic primarily for myself but also for my children knowing the choices I make are a critical example to them of what is acceptable behaviour.
As much as you may want to help him, change him, make him see the consequences of his drinking please know...
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
I know that has already been posted but it took me a few reads before this message actually sunk in for me.
Interesting that you titled yout thread "Living with a functional alcoholic" There was a thread about that here over the past few days. How is he functioning? By attending work and cooking dinner? I ask you.. Is he functioning as an equal loving partner?. Is he functioning as a parent providing a healthy role model? Is he functioning as a son, brother, neighbour, lover, friend?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
isittoolate
You have many options available to you. See Tigger's post above, all of which I agree with. I would start immediately with Al-Anon. If he is physically abusive to you or the children, please get immediate help. Please be aware, though, that you cannot control another person. IMO, you can only control yourself.
If you feel inclined and able to "cut your losses" and move on with your life without him, then by all means, I would suggest doing so. I think the key is to KNOW what YOU want for YOUR life. And then, pursue those things. Trust your instincts (something is SERIOUSLY wrong here) and follow your heart (what you know you want for YOURSELF).
Concerning this, though:
(1) The words coming out of his mouth are not about YOU, he is talking about HIMSELF. So start ignoring it as best you can. (2) IMO It would behoove you to think about and DECIDE how much longer you are going to allow this sickness, toxicity, and ABUSE in YOUR life.
:day6 Welcome and take care.
Is there a way of breaking this cycle or do I need to cut my losses, take our children and hope that hes a strong enough person to do smoething about it (assuming he wants to)?
If you feel inclined and able to "cut your losses" and move on with your life without him, then by all means, I would suggest doing so. I think the key is to KNOW what YOU want for YOUR life. And then, pursue those things. Trust your instincts (something is SERIOUSLY wrong here) and follow your heart (what you know you want for YOURSELF).
Concerning this, though:
when I arrive home from work starts to tell me how worthless I am...He makes a point of going to bed at midnight and waking me up to slur at me for several hours telling me what a pathetic excuse for a person I am.
:day6 Welcome and take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I know it is easier said than felt, but, you could actually be anyone on the receiving end of an alcoholics wrath.
When my A's drunk turns, he immediately strikes out at me.
Really, if you left him, he would berate you for that. If you stay, he will berate you for that. If you try to help, you are meddling, and if you dont, you are useless.
They say there is no such thing as a happy drunk. They are miserable by nature. It comes with the addiction. AFter a while the alcohol is actually perpetuating a mini depression in their brains on top of a general depletion of chemicals needed for healthy brain balance. It is a depressant, after all, and if you are there, and he is drunk, and he wakes up...He will berate you.
Mine used to have a ridiculous out of left field bout of drunken angry ramblings just before he dropped off each night... He would always call me a transvestite. It is funny now, but...I mean where do they come up with this stuff? He also becomes belligerently bigotted when his drunk turns bad. When sober he would never say such things.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I would make a plan to separate. I also feel that your children are being affected by his behaviour shifts even if they are not seeing him fall down drunk.
Alcoholics must manipulate, connive, deceive their way through each day to accommodate their habit. He is "functioning", but, he is only partially "there".
This may become emotionally dangerous for them in the future.
NOt to mention how dangerous it is for you and your soul right now.
When my A's drunk turns, he immediately strikes out at me.
Really, if you left him, he would berate you for that. If you stay, he will berate you for that. If you try to help, you are meddling, and if you dont, you are useless.
They say there is no such thing as a happy drunk. They are miserable by nature. It comes with the addiction. AFter a while the alcohol is actually perpetuating a mini depression in their brains on top of a general depletion of chemicals needed for healthy brain balance. It is a depressant, after all, and if you are there, and he is drunk, and he wakes up...He will berate you.
Mine used to have a ridiculous out of left field bout of drunken angry ramblings just before he dropped off each night... He would always call me a transvestite. It is funny now, but...I mean where do they come up with this stuff? He also becomes belligerently bigotted when his drunk turns bad. When sober he would never say such things.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I would make a plan to separate. I also feel that your children are being affected by his behaviour shifts even if they are not seeing him fall down drunk.
Alcoholics must manipulate, connive, deceive their way through each day to accommodate their habit. He is "functioning", but, he is only partially "there".
This may become emotionally dangerous for them in the future.
NOt to mention how dangerous it is for you and your soul right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
based on what you said, it seems you are considering leaving him. are there some reasons that you are considering not leaving him? i hear that you love him, but i wonder if you made a list with two columns: leave stay what it would look like?
if you are indeed the "reason he drinks" i wonder if he would stop drinking were you to be removed from the picture?
welcome to s/r. this is a good, good site. stick around
if you are indeed the "reason he drinks" i wonder if he would stop drinking were you to be removed from the picture?
welcome to s/r. this is a good, good site. stick around
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I love him too much to abandon him.
Love is not enough.
There needs to be mutual trust and respect and joy. That much you deserve.
Whats more we all need to love ourselves enough to make choices that are best for our emotional physical and spiritual health. Sacraficing the needs of self for the relationship never ends well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I think it was in Co No More that Melody said (and this is a paraphrase, for sure!!)
We THINK we might abandon someone, but in truth, adults are not children. We can only leave. Adults can not be abandoned. They can protect and care for themselves. Similarly, WE can not be abandoned, either. We can protect and care for ourselves.
I would add, what we CAN do is abandon our inner children by staying in an unhealthy situation. We need to worry about those little'uns and stop babying the adult partners in our lives.
Hugs, w
We THINK we might abandon someone, but in truth, adults are not children. We can only leave. Adults can not be abandoned. They can protect and care for themselves. Similarly, WE can not be abandoned, either. We can protect and care for ourselves.
I would add, what we CAN do is abandon our inner children by staying in an unhealthy situation. We need to worry about those little'uns and stop babying the adult partners in our lives.
Hugs, w
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