PallasAthena

Hello and thanks for being out there on the internet... it's comforting to know there are others dealing with similar issues.

I'm married to an addict. We have two children, and I have one from a previous relationship, so three total. He's been in recovery for about two years now, but has slipped a few times. It's been awhile, but I have reason to believe it's happening again. I'm sitting here debating whether or not to confront him about it. I checked his text messages on his phone, you see -- something I'm not thrilled about or proud to be doing, but I can't just ignore things, either. He might come clean if I confront him, or it might turn into an ugly fight. But he's probably not going to come out with it if I don't ask. I've been down this road a few too many times -- he'll lie until he's caught red handed. I'm tired of dealing with his issues, but I don't want to leave him alone with them either. I know, I know, I can't fix it for him. I just hate this. I don't even know what I'm looking for tonight, but I'm at least glad there's a group out there who might be able to identify with where I'm at right now.

barblsn

Welcome Pallas!
My husband has been clean 1 1/2 years not counting prison time (that he counts but I don't). I hate constantly being on the lookout for a relapse, and dread it actually happening. But I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't allow any use in our relationship, and that I wouldn't fool around and hope he wasn't using, or listen to/believe his lies.
What are your boundaries? What are you willing to put up with? WHAT DO YOU WANT? You can't control his use, so what can YOU do to take care of YOU?

Stereosteveo

Welcome Pallas,

Glad you are here.

The stickies above say everything I want to.

PallasAthena

I honestly don't know right now -- how strange is that? A few years ago, I put up with things that now, in retrospect, I'm shocked that I could have allowed. Any ideas I might have had of what my breaking point would be are sort of gone now. I want a normal life. I don't want to snoop, or check up on a grown man. I'm really not sure how to get there, though. Nor am I sure how to take care of myself when he is using -- it seems to me that if he has an issue, so do I, unless I leave or kick him out. I don't want to do that. I take "for better or worse, in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health" seriously. Leaving or forcing him to leave for anything (short of abuse/adultery) seems like a real violation of those vows. But then I have to consider my kids... even if I'm willing to put up with a lot, they shouldn't have to. It's all very confusing, and I'm not really sure where I stand at all.

Thank you... I'm reading through them.

I asked him about the text I found. It was an outgoing text to a friend of his that I know he's bought drugs from in the past, saying that he (my husband) was coming over. He said that the reason he went there was because he wanted to show off our car -- we recently bought a new (used) car that is very nice, by our standards. He wasn't defensive about it, and he showed me his wallet (to prove that he still had the amount of money that he'd left the house with. Though that doesn't mean anything much, since he was at his mom's earlier, and if he wanted to get money from her, he could have.) He didn't appear to be high, though -- I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when he is. I've been wrong before, and this could be one of those times. If he's using, a question like that would normally make him defensive or angry. Sober, he'll ask me to ask him what's up rather than turning a blind eye like I have in the past. He says it helps.

Up until recently, though, I thought that he hadn't slipped at all in the past year. A few days ago, he told me that he had, 3 or 4 times over the past year, and that he wanted to start going to meetings again. I totally did not even have any suspicions or clues that he'd slipped up at all in the past year, so that shook me. I could be feeling paranoid because of that.

sofacat

Hi Pallas

You asked - I'm really not sure how to get there, though. Nor am I sure how to take care of myself when he is using

You will get there, sometimes it takes us longer than we would like, but you will get there.

The advice I have for you is work on your own recovery and everything will become much clearer. You cannot change him, you cannot fix it for him....he is the only one who can decide that he wants to live a life of sobriety.

Try not to listen to what he says....his actions will dictate whether he is sober or not, and your gut will just tell you. Trust it.

IMO someone who is working hard on their recovery would avoid slippery people all together.....new car, or not. I would be scratching my head too and probably, like you...go into detective mode.

I did that for 10 years with my AH. Snooped, badgered, begged, pleaded, threatened, psychoanalyzed, coddled, cried and doubted myself often. I found myself researching his addiction all the time instead of researching my own. i am a codependent, and I can get "addicted" to people and tend to live my life trying to control and fix everything.

Now my life is much different. I didn't realize that the 12 steps weren't just for addicts....but they're for me too. And once I really surrendered....and I GOT that first step, everything has become much better for Me.

Glad you found us. You reaching out means you are ready for change....and that is always a good thing.

PallasAthena

Many good points. My instinct is to help, to try to fix it, but I'm aware enough to know that I really don't have the power to do that. I need to focus on my own actions and reactions, because I can't determine his. That should be easier to do, but I'm so used to doing the opposite that I don't really know where to start. That's why I'm here -- looking for support/information/advice for me for a change. Because I'm the only one I can really control, right?

Thanks for understanding.

sofacat

I don't really know where to start.

Coming here is a great start! There are lots of people who will come along to help you as you start your own journey. You are in the right place.

Chino

Their drug of choice is not only their lover, it's their god. I discovered that it didn't matter if my daughter left or not, I still had a problem because of weak, vague, violated boundaries I allowed. The next step for me was establishing new boundaries (or re-establishing old ones) that I was willing and able to enforce. They are for all aspects of my life, no exceptions! I started with the things that compromised my serenity the most. The only one geared specifically towards addiction is "I won't be around an active addict. If they're in my home they have to leave, otherwise I will walk away."

cinderellawkids

Our own recovery takes time, sometimes so much time. If Ive learned anything from being with an addict for 6 years its trust your gut, even when they swear your wrong adn your crazy. I had to stop confronting it all together. For years otehrs advised right a journal for some reason I couldnot. But I wrote things down, little lists on sticky notes all over the place, things unacceptable, yet I kept accepting them with a little resentment here and there. (I too felt for better or worse, forever, I still do in many ways, but no longer at the sacrifice of myself or my children I dont believe God would want that)
After 6 years and many short seperations the stickies started all repeating the same things which were "I cant go back, I cant go back, I cant go back." Yet once again Id go back. The last time the relapse came super quick in less than 5 days of him being back, the voices in my head started repeating just that, the looks on my childrens faces seemed to as well until I felt real fear of surviving, and making that choice for all us to try to survive that again so the answers came to me and I had him court ordered from my house.
Funny when I think about it, I was sure they'd deny the order, only I felt it wasnt that bad.
What Im trying to say is write down your feeling in any format you can, keep growing, keep progressing at it and in the right time you will get where you need to be.

My journey is far from over, but for the first time I feel like I have a choice and I feel free, its a wonderful feeling

hello-kitty

It's not strange at all but it's something to work on.

I sat down with a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down my personal values (like respect, honesty, hard work, faithfulness).

Then I wrote out my boundaries ie:

I value honesty, therefore I will no longer accept being lied too. If I suspect I am being lied to I will take the following action... I will (insert your consequence here).

The consequence is the steps you will take if your boundary is violated. Make sure these are steps that you are committed to following through on because otherwise your boundaries become meaningless.

I strongly encourage you to go through this exercise. It amazed me when I looked at what I THOUGHT were my values and then the behavior that I was accepting from my ex. It spurred me into action so that I could focus on getting my life in line with my values. I learned what I needed to focus on and what I needed to change about myself in order to really live the life I wanted to live. It was no longer about his behavior. It was about mine.

teke

hi, welcome to sr.

i too strongly believe in the "for better or worse" thingy but trying to continue to live with my husbands progressive addiction, was literally driving me and probably my kids, insane. i had to detach, i did stuck around for 21yrs to no avail, i felt totally lost and mess up when i first came here. like you, i wanted a better life for us. these kind friends have been a sanity saver for me. stick around, you are not alone, we really do care and want to support you in whatever you decide to do, walking with you through this one day at a time.