Need some input!
Living in the moment!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Wondering where I belong!
Posts: 126
Need some input!
Day 54 for me and I am still feeling good about it!!
I went on a trip this last weekend with a couple girlfriends. One of the girls was my sponsor. We did some site seeing, shopping and lots of eating.....it was fun but I saw a side of my sponsor that I did NOT like. She had already told me she has control issues and WOW....did I get to see that first hand, along with some tantrums and harsh behavior! It has left me wondering if I want to continue a recovery relationship with her.......I know I am done with ANY social activities with her! I have not called her since the weekend and we are suppose to meet today and I do NOT want to!! I lost so much respect for her, I know that she is only human too but I would never treat a friend that way and I would NEVER allow my children to treat me that way!!!
I feel like I don't have to put up with that sort of crap for the sake of recovery!! She has helped me a lot, so far, and I know I need so much more work, steps, support, understanding etc.....I feel like I have just begun BUT I don't want to have a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in my recovery toolbox!! I thought she was on my side. I don't want to create new resentments, especially towards my sponsor. Does that make sense to anyone?
I don't know how to move forward with this! I know I must call her today but I am wondering what to tell her. I don't want to be judgmental about her behavior but I MUST take care of ME and MY recovery! She is not feeling good for my recovery today!!!
Any thoughts?
I went on a trip this last weekend with a couple girlfriends. One of the girls was my sponsor. We did some site seeing, shopping and lots of eating.....it was fun but I saw a side of my sponsor that I did NOT like. She had already told me she has control issues and WOW....did I get to see that first hand, along with some tantrums and harsh behavior! It has left me wondering if I want to continue a recovery relationship with her.......I know I am done with ANY social activities with her! I have not called her since the weekend and we are suppose to meet today and I do NOT want to!! I lost so much respect for her, I know that she is only human too but I would never treat a friend that way and I would NEVER allow my children to treat me that way!!!
I feel like I don't have to put up with that sort of crap for the sake of recovery!! She has helped me a lot, so far, and I know I need so much more work, steps, support, understanding etc.....I feel like I have just begun BUT I don't want to have a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in my recovery toolbox!! I thought she was on my side. I don't want to create new resentments, especially towards my sponsor. Does that make sense to anyone?
I don't know how to move forward with this! I know I must call her today but I am wondering what to tell her. I don't want to be judgmental about her behavior but I MUST take care of ME and MY recovery! She is not feeling good for my recovery today!!!
Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Inside Out -
Can I ask what is it that she did that upset you this much? If it was truly unacceptable behavior to you, then I would call that a boundary issue in that her behavior stepped over the boundary of behavior that you think is appropriate and/or that you will accept.
If this is the case, I don't see how you can compartmentalize her unacceptable behavior, (or really why you should...) setting it aside totally and continuing on in the way you have been with her as your sponsor.
What I find interesting though, is that you seem to be a bit reluctant to contact her, which would give you the opportunity to explain how she made you feel. How she reacts to your statement wouldn't really be the point, but rather how you draw a line in the sand for yourself.
Can I ask what is it that she did that upset you this much? If it was truly unacceptable behavior to you, then I would call that a boundary issue in that her behavior stepped over the boundary of behavior that you think is appropriate and/or that you will accept.
If this is the case, I don't see how you can compartmentalize her unacceptable behavior, (or really why you should...) setting it aside totally and continuing on in the way you have been with her as your sponsor.
What I find interesting though, is that you seem to be a bit reluctant to contact her, which would give you the opportunity to explain how she made you feel. How she reacts to your statement wouldn't really be the point, but rather how you draw a line in the sand for yourself.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Congratulations on 54 Days! I am so sorry that you had to have such an bad experience. Having a Sponsor that you are comfortable with is vital. I don't see how I could have a good relationship with my Sponsor if she made me that uncomfortable.
If her behavior made you feel like you can't move forward working with her and you feel so strongly about not wanting to be around her, then you're going to have to take care of the situation right away. You're right, you don't need to have this turn into a resentment. I feel the longer you let this go without talking to her, the harder it's going to be.
I have had several different Sponsors over the years. Just because you start out with someone as a Sponsor doesn't mean you have to keep them forever. I would suggest calling her and telling her that you appreciate all the help and support she has given you, but you would feel more comfortable finding someone else to take it from here. I know this is going to be hard! Try to look at this as "a lesson" in taking care of yourself, speaking up for yourself. I imagine she's going to ask you why, maybe it's a good idea to tell her that you felt really uncomfortable around her over the weekend, that her control issues came out big time. If she gets upset with you, then she's someone who you definately don't need to move forward with. I have had Sponsee's tell me that they had found someone else to Sponsor them and I never got upset. We get different things from different people on the path of Recovery.
I would talk to her right away because the longer you hold on to this, the harder it's going to be. I hope you'll let us know how things went. Remember, this is YOUR Recovery, not hers.
God Bless,
Judy
If her behavior made you feel like you can't move forward working with her and you feel so strongly about not wanting to be around her, then you're going to have to take care of the situation right away. You're right, you don't need to have this turn into a resentment. I feel the longer you let this go without talking to her, the harder it's going to be.
I have had several different Sponsors over the years. Just because you start out with someone as a Sponsor doesn't mean you have to keep them forever. I would suggest calling her and telling her that you appreciate all the help and support she has given you, but you would feel more comfortable finding someone else to take it from here. I know this is going to be hard! Try to look at this as "a lesson" in taking care of yourself, speaking up for yourself. I imagine she's going to ask you why, maybe it's a good idea to tell her that you felt really uncomfortable around her over the weekend, that her control issues came out big time. If she gets upset with you, then she's someone who you definately don't need to move forward with. I have had Sponsee's tell me that they had found someone else to Sponsor them and I never got upset. We get different things from different people on the path of Recovery.
I would talk to her right away because the longer you hold on to this, the harder it's going to be. I hope you'll let us know how things went. Remember, this is YOUR Recovery, not hers.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Thats a shame but i guess that this is the first time you have seen her totally as she is, i.e. away from all the recovery scene?
I guess at least you were forewarned and she admitted that she has a control problem heheh sorry to have a giggle but i love it in AA when people say that or i admit it i am selfish like it is some big revelation and that makes it all ok...i must warn you i am a total ****, oh ok then as long as you know..going to work any steps on that one? nope i have accepted it
On day 54 i too would have found this a difficult situation and would be worried about confronting the issue as i still very much needed and relied on my sponsor, last thing i wanted was for them to get the hump...but you should talk to her, if she takes it badly the hers isn't the sobriety you want, IMO, if she takes it as constructive then all good:-)
I guess at least you were forewarned and she admitted that she has a control problem heheh sorry to have a giggle but i love it in AA when people say that or i admit it i am selfish like it is some big revelation and that makes it all ok...i must warn you i am a total ****, oh ok then as long as you know..going to work any steps on that one? nope i have accepted it
On day 54 i too would have found this a difficult situation and would be worried about confronting the issue as i still very much needed and relied on my sponsor, last thing i wanted was for them to get the hump...but you should talk to her, if she takes it badly the hers isn't the sobriety you want, IMO, if she takes it as constructive then all good:-)
Living in the moment!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Wondering where I belong!
Posts: 126
Thank you so much for the input and support. Sometimes I question my rights and it is nice to hear from others that, Yes, I do have the right to remove people that are not contributing positively to my recovery! Thank you!!!!
Well, I called my sponsor and told her that I no longer want to have a sponsor/recovery relationship since we also have a friendship where we meet weekly with neighbors, it is just too uncomfortable for me. I didn't go into details about her exact behavior (even tho she kept asking questions) but I shared that the weekend did lead me to my decision! I didn't feel like dissecting exact moments would benefit either of us! She was very gracious, supportive and shared how proud she is of me. Also, if I need her for any reason in the future, she will be very happy to help at any time!! I was happy about that b/c I don't want it to end ugly since all of us ladies are trying to make the best of it while living overseas in a middle eastern country with way tooo much time on our hands!!!
Small Victory: I feel a bit empowered for handling a matter in an adult way instead of hoping it will just go away!!!! Plus I don't have to drink over it!!!!
Well, I called my sponsor and told her that I no longer want to have a sponsor/recovery relationship since we also have a friendship where we meet weekly with neighbors, it is just too uncomfortable for me. I didn't go into details about her exact behavior (even tho she kept asking questions) but I shared that the weekend did lead me to my decision! I didn't feel like dissecting exact moments would benefit either of us! She was very gracious, supportive and shared how proud she is of me. Also, if I need her for any reason in the future, she will be very happy to help at any time!! I was happy about that b/c I don't want it to end ugly since all of us ladies are trying to make the best of it while living overseas in a middle eastern country with way tooo much time on our hands!!!
Small Victory: I feel a bit empowered for handling a matter in an adult way instead of hoping it will just go away!!!! Plus I don't have to drink over it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
It's so true that things are handled so much better through assertion rather than agression. Good for you!
The same thing happened to me with my first sponsor. I trusted my gut about her role as my sponsor and it was the right decision let her go. Trust your gut.
IMO, your sponsor should rock! We all have quirks, but there has to be a limit when it comes to someone who you need to trust implicitly.
Find that person who has what you want. She's out there.
The same thing happened to me with my first sponsor. I trusted my gut about her role as my sponsor and it was the right decision let her go. Trust your gut.
IMO, your sponsor should rock! We all have quirks, but there has to be a limit when it comes to someone who you need to trust implicitly.
Find that person who has what you want. She's out there.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Great job, you handled this very well, I to switched sponsors in early sobriety, it had nothing to do with my original sponsor, the man was & still is awesome, the reason I switched sponsors is his job had him traveling all the time so we never really were able to get together and work the steps.
We spoke, he more then understood, I flat told him that unless I am in a meeting or on the phone I felt like I was walking a tight rope in staying sober and came VERY close to relapsing. I told him I really needed to get on the steps because meeting & fellowship alone were not cutting the mustard for me.
Well I did get a new sponsor with the old sponsors blessing, I took the steps with my new sponsor and am in the process of experienceing the promises coming true, a drink is not even an option for me today, the steps gave me a new solution to life so good there is no reason to want to escape it with a drink.
BTW my old sponsor and I are still good friends over 3 years later.
For any one who is seeking or has a sponsor, know that you have every right to change sponsors at any time. BUT before you do pray on it and meditate about it, ask your self honestly "Am I switching sponsors for the right reason?"
Some newcomers have a hard time with a sponsor who tells them the truth and can tell when a sponsee is blowing smoke up their butt and calls them on it. When a sponsor tells a sponsee one on one with love some thing they need to work on, they are not doing it to be mean, they are doing it because usually they did the same thing and are sharing thier experience with love.
Some sponsors can be jerks, if they are it is your right to get a new sponsor, if possible tell them politely that you are seeking another sponsor. No matter what, a sponsor should not run your life, but should simply give you guidance when needed.... with love & tolerance.
We spoke, he more then understood, I flat told him that unless I am in a meeting or on the phone I felt like I was walking a tight rope in staying sober and came VERY close to relapsing. I told him I really needed to get on the steps because meeting & fellowship alone were not cutting the mustard for me.
Well I did get a new sponsor with the old sponsors blessing, I took the steps with my new sponsor and am in the process of experienceing the promises coming true, a drink is not even an option for me today, the steps gave me a new solution to life so good there is no reason to want to escape it with a drink.
BTW my old sponsor and I are still good friends over 3 years later.
For any one who is seeking or has a sponsor, know that you have every right to change sponsors at any time. BUT before you do pray on it and meditate about it, ask your self honestly "Am I switching sponsors for the right reason?"
Some newcomers have a hard time with a sponsor who tells them the truth and can tell when a sponsee is blowing smoke up their butt and calls them on it. When a sponsor tells a sponsee one on one with love some thing they need to work on, they are not doing it to be mean, they are doing it because usually they did the same thing and are sharing thier experience with love.
Some sponsors can be jerks, if they are it is your right to get a new sponsor, if possible tell them politely that you are seeking another sponsor. No matter what, a sponsor should not run your life, but should simply give you guidance when needed.... with love & tolerance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
I think when I first heard about the concept of sponsors, I wanted someone who was cool, charismatic, entertaining, and popular. That guy had what I wanted. I wanted to be that guy.
But that guy may or may not have what I needed. What I needed (in order to recover) was a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. What I needed in a sponsor, therefore, was someone who could show me how to have that experience.
That meant someone who lived by the spiritual principles in AA, and who knew the Big Book well enough to show me the directions. All of his other qualities were largely irrelevant.
I need a sponsor who cares enough about me to be honest with me. I need someone who has single minded focus on "What Step are you on." If I need a friend, I'll join Facebook.
But that guy may or may not have what I needed. What I needed (in order to recover) was a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. What I needed in a sponsor, therefore, was someone who could show me how to have that experience.
That meant someone who lived by the spiritual principles in AA, and who knew the Big Book well enough to show me the directions. All of his other qualities were largely irrelevant.
I need a sponsor who cares enough about me to be honest with me. I need someone who has single minded focus on "What Step are you on." If I need a friend, I'll join Facebook.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Seattle!
Posts: 211
Great job InsideOut! Way to go on handling the situation and driving it to a positive outcome. That's always a feat in any human relationship, much less so early in recovery and with all of the scaffolding surrounding this situation. So good job!
Further, congratulations on (the now) 55 days! Truly amazing!! 2010 is our year, as we said at the start of January. We're still rocking it!! Congratulations to you on your huge accomplishments this year - woo hoo!
Further, congratulations on (the now) 55 days! Truly amazing!! 2010 is our year, as we said at the start of January. We're still rocking it!! Congratulations to you on your huge accomplishments this year - woo hoo!
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