LS2

Ok, I am sort of confused I guess...My Afiance is currently not drinking and it's been over a week now, I had gone to therapy and figured out the issues I was having is from his alcoholism and me being so codependent. So being dumb I confronted him and he was willing (2 days later and after the beer was gone) to quit. Well he wasn't willing to quit, I was just not going to buy his beer anymore..I was so far into pleasing him that yeah, I was getting his beer since he is on probation for having his 4th DWI he has NO license, we live in a small town and have one cop so he would get noticed if he went into the bar/liquor store.You know how it has to be all "hidden" and I looked like the flippin alcoholic...Anyways So granted if he didn't have this probation issue he would probably still be drinking.

So, he said he would try AA, but would NOT go to rehab or any treatment centers since "he has been there done that 5 times already, and already knows what to do" Well of course there has been every excuse not to go. Fine I really don't care since if he is not willing, there is no point stressing. Well, for the whole time he has been sober he has been acting crazy nice and it is just annoying me!It is so fake. He is still yelling at the kids and every other behavior is still the same. How do I deal with this really?! He's basically thinking "I did what she asked, now what? why isn't she happy" So how does detachment work if he is sober for the time being? I am so confused..I just am so angry, Don't want to be around him, Wish he would just go into treatment or jail or something so I don't have to deal with him, I feel really mean saying that but, come on...I just feel like I am putting on a fake smile for the sake of my poor kids (they are 2 and 3) .

I'd like to leave but it doesn't seem to work for me and the kids financially since I can't just quit school.

So, I have also been hiding everything from his parents and my parents about his drinking...as far as they know he is sober adn doing just awesome!I feel liek a teenager trying to sneak around... well, in your history did it benefit you or did it make things worse? I really don't know how anyone will take it..Afiance will hate me of course if I ratted him out but, I am trying to think of me and the kids. what would benefit us? would it help AF to maybe get help if he heard it from others?

How do you deal with the thought of splitting up with your A and having to share your kids with them? I am just afraid of that, like how will he treat them if I am not around and they are so young! I just hate that having kids makes it so much of a harder decision to leave.

Sorry, this was more of a vent.
Thanks for listening,
L

wicked

LS2,

I think you should take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.

Have you read "codependent no more" by melody beattie? I think it would help you.

I understand about keeping secrets, driving for a repeat offender who "knows it all, and doesn't need any help" because he has been to rehab.

Wow.

Please help yourself.
Beth

TheNewGirl

So don't "rat him out." To me, ratting someone out is telling someone with some level of authority what that other person has been doing wrong, & it's usually of ill intention. If you're wanting to "rat him out" to get him out of your house, that's not the best way to go about it. Instead, share your concerns, about his health & well being, your health & well being, your kids' health & well being...

If you are concerned about how he will treat your kids when you're not around, that's even MORE reason TO LEAVE! If you're choosing to stay, you're making your own choice. But DO NOT allow your children to stay in an environment you don't feel is safe!!!

TheNewGirl

Oh, and also, in my experience, when my active AH was "acting crazy nice" (as you put it), it meant he wanted something from me. Either he was out of money, out of gas, out of luck... but now he's out of the house. And I'm in good company now that I'm alone.

freefalling

Amen sista !

Gold

I dealt with this by considering I the lessons i was teaching my children by staying in a destructive relationship. Because of the progressive nature of alcoholism the problems were getting worse I knew it was going to progress to even worse still.

I got out firstly for my needs but secondarily I got out because it taught my kids lessons in self respect, enforcing healthy boundaries and not settling for second best or broken promises.

The THOUGHT of being a single parent was far worse than the reality. the fears I had didn't come to fruition.

nodaybut2day

hi LS2...I just wanted to chime in as a mama who finally left her AH 4 months ago. We have a 1 year old daughter together.

Though there's been MUCH turmoil regarding our daughter (as the wonderful folks here on SR can attest to), living AWAY from my XAH and his drama is worth the headache of coparenting with him. I hope to model for my daughter healthy loving relationships as much as possible, and in the end, because my X is a lazy bum, when push comes to shove and he REALLY has to care for our daughter, I get the feeling that he'll slowly disappear into the woodwork.

Because your children are so young, there's a good chance that you won't be "sharing" them 50/50 with your fiance, especially if he is a proven alcoholic. Have you thought of consulting a lawyer, even if it's just for a free over the phone consult, to get an idea of what your options are? Arm yourself with knowledge and then make a decision...

IMO, living in FEAR just isn't worth it.

Elsie

Try to, instead, think of it as "Having kids gives you a reason to leave"

FindingPeace1

Welcome!!
Consider taking some of the energy you are giving your AH and bringing it back to you and your kids. Is each choice good for you and your kids?

Buying his beer for him? Is it good for you? Nope.
"Ratting him out"? Is it good for you? Maybe. Being honest (regardless of the consequences) is good for you. So that could be a good reason to tell. To get support. That could be a good reason.
Putting up with abuse (yelling)? Is it good for you and the kids? Nope.

What can you do that IS good for you and the kids?

If you really can't leave due to finances (and there are many a folk with kids who have left in dire circumstances and survived and might argue that it IS possible), can you start making a plan? Can you start a savings account? Can you borrow money from someone? Can you start doing research as to where you could go/what work you could do/childcare, etc.?

What actions can you take today that will benefit you?

Good luck!
w