betterday

should I send it? maybe the closure I needed? After he say will not talk to me any more, I am doing okay, but feel need to spell thing out in the open, any advice will be helpful. thank you.


How are you, M?

Wasn't going to write you at all, but I feel I need to let you know what's on my mind before I can totally let go. After all, we spend almost two years together, I guess I want to write the last page in and put this book of us away forever.

I am finally want to let you go and going out for a blind date tomorrow... I know my life will be so much easier without you and I will be able to find some one truly respect me and love me...but I still miss you so much and can't stop worry about you... this is going to be the last letter to you and to myself, you can no longer hold me as a prisoner.

Now looking back, I want to be with you so much but receiving very little help from you. First I like to say I understand we both have fault in this relationship. I should trust you more and give you more space, but we have been sucked in a bad circle, don't you see? 3 months after we date, you want me to send you $400 for gas money; the time you told me you fall asleep at home but at AK with your sister; later on when you FB Samantha, asking her number and a study party w a movie; the summer time you told me you never have sex w a tattooed girl until the day she is pregnant; your birthday party I will never know where and who...on and on...what will that makes you feel? All your lies is the major cause of my insecurity. No one like to be lie to and why you have to lie, so I grab you tidier try to discover your every single lie. It makes you have to make up some more stories to free yourself. For the past 2 year, your action teach me “room = unknown space = more lies”. I develop this untrust feelings and grab you tighter...over and over.

No matter how much you say you love me, there are no sign of it. Brad able to quit weed to support her and work hard to buy her big stuff; Tom as poor as he is, able to save up $50 for bus every 2 weeks to see the girlfriend down OSU; Mick call her every night when they are apart; Chris will buy her jewelry; the guy you bought C from, is not doing it because of girlfriend; Even Caps, although he is not willing to commit, will not do drugs in front of her...you walk all over me and expect me to accept what you do right or wrong and cover it up from your parents, that is not the love you want. If you love me, why you didn't reply my text when I was restrained in sumo with no key? Why when I hurt my wrist and can't hold a tray, you just sit and watch? Why when I told you I was working by myself Thursdays and you just stay AK and party on? On your FB, I put in “in a relationship” last Nov, and you have to change it into not disclosed. I did not get anything from you since my last birthday, I finally realize you do have some spare cash on your night out without me, you bought yourself a ipod, spend $45 on weed...I have been drive you around and feed you for a year...not even a card for your baby for the Christmas?

After thinking it through, I think the child issue is bothering you more than you want to admit. From outside you might pretend to be strong, a happy and carefree same old same old, but I think you really need some help. Two months to the due day, what you have been doing are equally as stupid as she does. Yes, you feel you have the right to enjoy the last year of college, unfortunately, she took that away from you last Sept. leave you with no choice. As a responsible Father to be, in order to reduce the burden on your parents and for your better finance future, you should be getting a job. There are so many people in college and work with no child burden, but you still want to be the only one sleep till 2 or 3pm and party the weekend away... we are all at the bottom of your priorities, drug and alcohol is what make you happy right now. I keep hoping you could be there for me, but come to realize it is just a fantasy, because you can't even be there for them, not even yourself.

If you care to know I start going to Al-Anon meetings, they make me understand my mistakes. I should set a boundary with you long time ago. I do not like you dealing, but I went to antidepressant instead; I told you one more lie I am out, but I stayed; I let you into my bed even knowing you are screwing around town; You have to hide the C from me because deep in your mind you know it is not right... It is also my fault to think I can control your behavior by holding on to you. It is your life - I didn't cause it, I cant change it and I definitely cant cure it. Even I love you so much, it is your own problems and you will never change till you want to do so yourself. If know so earlier, I might not try to tell your parents, but just walking away.

I did my nails yesterday and realize for the first time in 2 years I am not doing it for you to see. I go to yoga classes twice per week and leave the extra matt for you at home. There is a part of me fears if I let go than when you gets better I won't have you. But I can never live on “ what ifs” because people are not who they use to be or what their potential is. I had done all I could to bail out the sinking boat we are in. After I told you I am going to go to your parents, you text me “ do what ever you have to do, but I love you” remember? I did what I had to do. I put on my survival suit and saved myself.

My dear M, thanks for your time and I hope I learn one thing well from our time together – I can't change anyone but myself. Hope one day you will be able to understand what I am trying to say here, hope everything is well with your family and the baby, best wishes. My heart is wide enough to love you and let you go. Please don't reply, I am not where I want to be, but thanks God I am not where I used to be...when the spring comes I know I will be better already! Take care.

Pelican

Hi betterday,

Do you need to send it? Can your closure come from expressing your feelings by journaling without involving him?

What is your motivation for sending this to him? He said he did not want to talk with you anymore. Are your needs to be heard more important than his request to be left alone?

Journaling our feelings is a healthy way to express our emotions. We can share our feelings in support groups, in private diaries and with counselors. Those are all healthy outlets.

Jadmack25

Wonderful letter.....but send it to yourself.
Don't waste your time or effort sending it to a man who does not want to know.

Anyway my dear, having read about him and his behavior.....why would you still want any contact or need any validation from such a liar and cheater?
He wouldn't or couldn't give you an honest reply, and would most probably make some offensive and hurtful comments, that would only cause you more grief and pain.

Leave him alone, to self implode, or whatever he wants to do, and you concentrate on your needs for healing and growth.
Reliving s**t, and hoping for anything good from opening this can of worms is asking for something unpleasant from him, and you have had enough of that...haven't you???

God bless

Spiritual Seeker

If you must send, for some kind of ending then send only the last paragraph:

" My dear M, thanks for your time and I hope I learn one thing well from our time together – I can't change anyone but myself. Hope one day you will be able to understand what I am trying to say here, hope everything is well with your family and the baby, best wishes. My heart is wide enough to love you and let you go. Please don't reply, I am not where I want to be, but thanks God I am not where I used to be...when the spring comes I know I will be better already! Take care."

coffeedrinker

betterday,

please at least just sit on this for a few days. go back and re-read it a few times. i think you will slowly get over the need to send it.

he will no way understand what it is you're trying to make him understand; otherwise, he would have already "got it".

and this statement:
unfortunately, she took that away from you last Sept

not true. she didn't "take" anything away - he made her pregnant, just as surely as she made herself pregnant. it's what happens when two people jump in sack together.

peace is coming to you. you are slowly healing.

ChangeIsHard

I agree, the last paratgraph is quite perfect.

betterday

Thanks for your advice, the reasons for sending him this letter
1. Clear my boundary. The last thing he said over the phone is"I never want to talk to you again" and I answer"why". Sadly I was there waiting for him every time we break up. Half years ago, I did the same thing- go to his parents for his addictions and he break up with me for 2 1/2 month and I let him know I will Waite for him and he came back after inpregnant a girl. I am afraid he will still think so and come over to set me back. I know I will be so much better by then, but it is like a bomb, have no idea when he is going to throw it my way.

2. Burn my bridge. The last letter and put my foot forward... All I said is "why". I didn't tell him what I intend to do.

Maybe just stupid thinking of mine. I am so afraid he will show up or call one day( which he already did it once). He have so many troubles infront of him, what will stop him from coming back for some more free ride if he didn't know I am through?
It is very hard for me right now, but I know I don't want him back. He live 10 min away from my restaurant and home. Restaurant open for public... So I though end it by my own word might help.

Kittyboo

Betterday...
I can certainly understand why you want to say the things you have said, and your intentions in sending it. There are things I too would like to say to my XA.

BUT, if your reasons are as you say they are...then really the BEST message you can send to him is no message at all. Silence is a much BIGGER message than words are many times. Let's say he does come back again.....if you are so afraid of this, wouldn't it be fantastic if when he did you did not acknowledge his attempts AT ALL??

Writing letters to him are a great way to release the emotions you have inside. But then burn them, or bury them.
If you know you don't want him back, just come to peace with that. He will get the message that you don't want him back through your actions and not your words.

betterday

I was even trying to avoid been seen w any my guy friends out since we break up. He has a big family in this area, I can almost hear the name calling already. That's why I tell him I am going start dating...break up is one thing but been call "w#^*#"...shall not make anyone fell good

coffee,
"unfortunately, she took that away from you last Sept

not true. she didn't "take" anything away - he made her pregnant, just as surely as she made herself pregnant. it's what happens when two people jump in sack together."

Never though of it that way...very true!

Insulated

do you need to mail that letter? are you 100% positive he will open it and read it? It kind of looks like you really need the last word and in some way are instigating contact with him. Closure is closure. Burn the letter and release it and the negativity into the universe...(?)

nodaybut2day

I too wrote a lot of letters like that, wanting to explain myself, wanting to share what I felt/thought, wanting to FINALLY be understood. I think the hardest thing about walking away from my marriage to my XAH, was realizing that it was a distinct possibility that he would *never* understand, and never "finally open his eyes and SEE", and that for the first time in my life, I would have to trust myself and my own judgment without the need for validation from HIM. It's a giant step to take and I still take in everyday.

My letters, journal entries and email rants remain unsent.

betterday

Guess I just be stupid!! Thanks for the input.

FindingPeace1

More self love! More self love!
I wouldn't ever ever ever want someone to call you stupid - that includes you.
You're not stupid.
You're deeply wise and learning to connect with your wisdom.
That takes time.

Hugs,
w

Learn2Live

betterday:
You are NOT stupid. You do the same things as we ALL have done. It does not mean you are stupid.

Good for you for thinking through and writing all that out!! That is good Recovery work!

I like the idea of not mailing the letter right away, but instead putting it aside for a few days and then deciding. You will know when the time comes whether or not to mail the letter.

TakingCharge999

Hi !

I DID send a letter and I also requested to SEE the guy after the breakup !! LOL.

About the letter he said "you shouldn't have sent it" so... please.. take HIS advice.. LOL
No acknowledgement, no comment, no reply, no nothing. Just the pain of being ignored. Maybe he just deleted without reading it.

And the last interaction I tried to make him SEE the pain, etc. well it was good for me in terms of realizing he was a TOTALLY different person from what he showed in our early days. As it is by that time he was celebrating his one month anniversary with his then "new" GF.


I would like you to avoid the pain of realizing he may not be mourning as you are doing now. But I know we all take as much pain as we need, then we are DONE with so much BS.

I "should" have BURNT the letter and taken the advice of the SR people! well, as it is I burned many other comments, bad wishes etc that I had towards him, and it really helped. Hope you are wiser than me.


Its tough but like a song says " I hope you are very very very happy now.. SO YOU DONT COME BACK" NO ONE needs people like that in their lives, period and staying away from me has been the nicest thing he ever did for me. Its a ticking bomb.

coffeedrinker

hey i just thought of something, reading the updates here.

ya know how, sometimes when we're having a fight, one of you will say "that's it! i'm done!" and then the other person keeps talking, or the one who's "done" keeps talking. or you call the next day and YOU KEEP TALKING. the fight doesn't really get resolved, but you keep going round and round.

this kind of thing - and the letter you want to send - is just a way of keeping things going. you want to have a final word, you want him to really hear you. but really, it's a way of keeping this thing alive.

don't keep it alive!!