Advice on consequences, boundaries
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Advice on consequences, boundaries
Could some of you please offer a little guidance on consequences and boundaries?
We set up c & b with an addictions therapist when my husband was going through the beginning stages of getting clean and working his program for real. Consequences suggested were basically losses of his privacy -- something addicts love. A few we worked out:
Other consequences and boundaries included me not being around him if I believed he was using; and the one I haven't used yet -- leaving him.
At this point, my husband is farther along in his recovery, and actually has gotten more comfortable with living his life more in the open, and not hiding things.
I'm not sure what consequences there need to be for someone who still has a monthly relapse. He knows I'm nearing the end of my rope with that -- but he IS working on it, and that's been my standard. He must be working his program. I also want truth -- I understand there may be slips along the way and I don't demand/expect perfection. I DO want the lies to stop. Is that unrealistic?
As for boundaries, I try my best to practice detachment with love. He knows I love him, but I will not spend time with someone who is using. I will not have drugs in my house. I will not make excuses for him to anyone.
I don't know what else to do. When I know there are pills, I don't want to overreact and yell or lecture -- but I don't want to act as if nothing's wrong and it's all fine, either. Suggestions???
We set up c & b with an addictions therapist when my husband was going through the beginning stages of getting clean and working his program for real. Consequences suggested were basically losses of his privacy -- something addicts love. A few we worked out:
- Find pills in the house -- mandatory 90 meetings in 90 days.
- Find pills in the house again -- car, briefcase, pockets, etc. subject to search until found to be clean for a month. Start 90 in 90 over again.
- Evidence of doctor shopping -- all prescription and doctor records open to both of us.
Other consequences and boundaries included me not being around him if I believed he was using; and the one I haven't used yet -- leaving him.
At this point, my husband is farther along in his recovery, and actually has gotten more comfortable with living his life more in the open, and not hiding things.
I'm not sure what consequences there need to be for someone who still has a monthly relapse. He knows I'm nearing the end of my rope with that -- but he IS working on it, and that's been my standard. He must be working his program. I also want truth -- I understand there may be slips along the way and I don't demand/expect perfection. I DO want the lies to stop. Is that unrealistic?
As for boundaries, I try my best to practice detachment with love. He knows I love him, but I will not spend time with someone who is using. I will not have drugs in my house. I will not make excuses for him to anyone.
I don't know what else to do. When I know there are pills, I don't want to overreact and yell or lecture -- but I don't want to act as if nothing's wrong and it's all fine, either. Suggestions???
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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This would wear me out. This is one reason I had to let go of my XAH. I taught school all day and didn't want to come home to diciplining him. We became like parent/child instead of marriage partners. He would hide stuff in the garage....like I wouldn't see the changes in him. It wore me out. I became crazier than him. I was powerless over what he was doing. If 51% of him wanted to use he would use. I just added more stress.
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Boundaries are for you, not him. Your list indicates you are trying to control his behavior and make him do the things that you think are important for recovery. He is an adult (even if he doesn't act like it). He owns his recovery. If he wants it bad enough, he'll do it without you telling him what to do. If he doesn't... well... you can't force him. Unfortunately you can't control his behavior and you will make yourself CRAZY by trying. You cannot make him quit using drugs. You cannot make him stay quit if he has stopped.
Consequences are not something you dole out to him if he doesn't do what you tell him to do. Consequences are the steps you will take if your boundaries are violated. Consequences protect you from being walked on, mistreated and taken advantage of.
Boundaries are formulated with "I" statements. For example, some of my boundaries are:
I will not allow someone to talk disrespectfully to me. If I feel you are being disrespectful, I will not respond. I will walk away.
I value honesty in a relationship and I will no longer tolerate being lied to by anyone. If I suspect someone is lying to me, I will take steps to remove that person from my life.
I will not allow a freeloader in my house. Unless you are child, you must contribute financially to the household.
I expect adults in my house to do the dishes, laundry, cook and help out with home improvements when asked. Nicely with a smile on there face. If a person is unwilling to help they must find somewhere else to live.
I will not allow you to use my car. Don't ever ask.
I will not loan or give you money. Don't ever ask that either.
I will not allow active drug users in my house. If you are high, or if I suspect you are using drugs, I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave, I will call the police and have you removed.
My house is not a place for strung out addicts or hungover alcoholics to "sleep it off". Don't come over and expect to sleep the day away on my couch. I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave I will take steps to have you removed.
If you are late to see your son, and you no show, no call. Don't ever show up or call again because I will not answer your calls or allow you in my house.
Consequences are not something you dole out to him if he doesn't do what you tell him to do. Consequences are the steps you will take if your boundaries are violated. Consequences protect you from being walked on, mistreated and taken advantage of.
Boundaries are formulated with "I" statements. For example, some of my boundaries are:
I will not allow someone to talk disrespectfully to me. If I feel you are being disrespectful, I will not respond. I will walk away.
I value honesty in a relationship and I will no longer tolerate being lied to by anyone. If I suspect someone is lying to me, I will take steps to remove that person from my life.
I will not allow a freeloader in my house. Unless you are child, you must contribute financially to the household.
I expect adults in my house to do the dishes, laundry, cook and help out with home improvements when asked. Nicely with a smile on there face. If a person is unwilling to help they must find somewhere else to live.
I will not allow you to use my car. Don't ever ask.
I will not loan or give you money. Don't ever ask that either.
I will not allow active drug users in my house. If you are high, or if I suspect you are using drugs, I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave, I will call the police and have you removed.
My house is not a place for strung out addicts or hungover alcoholics to "sleep it off". Don't come over and expect to sleep the day away on my couch. I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave I will take steps to have you removed.
If you are late to see your son, and you no show, no call. Don't ever show up or call again because I will not answer your calls or allow you in my house.
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Recovery only begins with TOTAL abstinence; no way is your husband in recovery - I agree with anvilhead there. And all that control sounds like really hard work to me; but there are no consequences are there. Every time he 'relapses once a month' he is just told to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. So if he starts 'relapsing' weekly, he will just be told to go to 90 meetings in 90 days? Why should he change? He doesn't need to. From reading your posts, you seem convinced that he is in recovery; but one can't be 80% in recovery and on the program, or 90%, or any other percentage other than 100%. Sorry to burst your bubble on this, but he is an active addict. If he wants to recover he must do it of his own free will; only then will it work. Prayers for you.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
hmmmm, to me those don't sound like consequences...reminds me more of the 35 Holy Mary's the priest gave me as a "punishment" coming out of Confession. but that's just ME....you worked this out with an addiction specialist, and i'm just an addict.
what i'm not seeing here is YOU....i'm not seeing what YOUR boundaries are and what YOU will do if they are crossed.
so let's start with #1 - you find pills IN the house. and the response to that is...HE MUST attend 90 meetings in 90 days. or what? you gonna follow him to each meeting? is he going to have to get a slip signed and bring it to you? what if he misses a meeting?
No, the responsibility to attend the meetings is on him. If he doesn't go, that's his choice. I don't check to see if he went. But I'll know, in time, and if he's not doing the work, he's broken the deal and our marriage vows no longer apply, and I'll leave. That's the end result.
#2 - you find pills again....and YOU get to ransack thru every corner of HIS life......does this include the cavity search? and you get to do this every day for a month?????? and he has to go back to the starting line and do the 90 in 90 again?
No, I don't ransack thru every corner of his life, and I don't do it every day. It means that if I have reason to think there are pills, he agrees to let me look. In reality, it means a pocket/car search about twice a month. Therapist wanted him to have to give up the hiding, and give me the opportunity -- in time -- to find nothing. Which would be a good thing. Or to get answer to the 'are you using" question. Again, refusal tells me he's using -- which also answers the question.
#3 - YOU find evidence of him dr shopping - and now YOU have access to ALL his medical records.
He also has access to mine, not that I care. Therapist was most strict about the doctor shopping. Other consequences of this were losing a good doctor when he found out (from another doctor, not me).
all i can say is wow. and he agreed to this? and have you put this in force? cuz didn't you say he's using on average 1x mnth?
SO YOU KNOW HE IS USING. what good is ANY of the above gonna do? he CHOOSES to use. you can't make him stop. he knows where the door to recovery is. and he's not ready to go thru it yet. he's still doing what he's doing.
I'm not trying to make him stop. Tho I wish he would. I'm giving him a limited number of chances to follow the program his therapist set out -- and if he doesn't, it's over. Yes, he agreed -- some of it he set up with the therapist himself. It's helped immensely over the past 9 months. The structure has given him a framework to hang his recovery on. One by one, the habits have dropped. At this point, almost none of the stuff mentioned even comes into play. It's no longer needed. It's down to the last hurdle -- and he knows time is running out.
it's one or the other....USING - OR - RECOVERY. his monthly (or more for all you know) usage is no slip, no relapse, he's still in active addiction.
i dunno.....i realize i'm rather opinionated here (rather Tess??? ok, highly) but that's becasue i see you still so wrapped up in HIS stuff and in trying to coordinate and control it, meanwhile stripping the man of ANY dignity whatsoever. remember he can DO whatever the heck he wants. he's a full grown adult. normally we leave taking away someone's freedom to the courts..........
what i'm not seeing here is YOU....i'm not seeing what YOUR boundaries are and what YOU will do if they are crossed.
so let's start with #1 - you find pills IN the house. and the response to that is...HE MUST attend 90 meetings in 90 days. or what? you gonna follow him to each meeting? is he going to have to get a slip signed and bring it to you? what if he misses a meeting?
No, the responsibility to attend the meetings is on him. If he doesn't go, that's his choice. I don't check to see if he went. But I'll know, in time, and if he's not doing the work, he's broken the deal and our marriage vows no longer apply, and I'll leave. That's the end result.
#2 - you find pills again....and YOU get to ransack thru every corner of HIS life......does this include the cavity search? and you get to do this every day for a month?????? and he has to go back to the starting line and do the 90 in 90 again?
No, I don't ransack thru every corner of his life, and I don't do it every day. It means that if I have reason to think there are pills, he agrees to let me look. In reality, it means a pocket/car search about twice a month. Therapist wanted him to have to give up the hiding, and give me the opportunity -- in time -- to find nothing. Which would be a good thing. Or to get answer to the 'are you using" question. Again, refusal tells me he's using -- which also answers the question.
#3 - YOU find evidence of him dr shopping - and now YOU have access to ALL his medical records.
He also has access to mine, not that I care. Therapist was most strict about the doctor shopping. Other consequences of this were losing a good doctor when he found out (from another doctor, not me).
all i can say is wow. and he agreed to this? and have you put this in force? cuz didn't you say he's using on average 1x mnth?
SO YOU KNOW HE IS USING. what good is ANY of the above gonna do? he CHOOSES to use. you can't make him stop. he knows where the door to recovery is. and he's not ready to go thru it yet. he's still doing what he's doing.
I'm not trying to make him stop. Tho I wish he would. I'm giving him a limited number of chances to follow the program his therapist set out -- and if he doesn't, it's over. Yes, he agreed -- some of it he set up with the therapist himself. It's helped immensely over the past 9 months. The structure has given him a framework to hang his recovery on. One by one, the habits have dropped. At this point, almost none of the stuff mentioned even comes into play. It's no longer needed. It's down to the last hurdle -- and he knows time is running out.
it's one or the other....USING - OR - RECOVERY. his monthly (or more for all you know) usage is no slip, no relapse, he's still in active addiction.
i dunno.....i realize i'm rather opinionated here (rather Tess??? ok, highly) but that's becasue i see you still so wrapped up in HIS stuff and in trying to coordinate and control it, meanwhile stripping the man of ANY dignity whatsoever. remember he can DO whatever the heck he wants. he's a full grown adult. normally we leave taking away someone's freedom to the courts..........
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One other thing -- I did not set up the structure I described! My husband and his addictions therapist did. I was there for some of the sessions, but not all of them. They worked together a long time, and this came after a serious relapse. Ideally, he would have gone to in-patient rehab after that one, but we just can't swing it. This was the best alternative suggested to us. I agreed to do the parts that involved me, but it wasn't MY plan at all!
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I'm giving him a limited number of chances to follow the program his therapist set out
What are you going to do if he doesn't follow his program?
How can you prepare yourself just in case he doesn't follow through by your deadline?
Those are all things you can work on now to prepare yourself in case he doesn't get commit himself to recovery and quit using drugs once a month. maybe that will help you feel more in control of your present situation because you will have a clear plan for the future.
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Originally Posted by EverettsWife
One other thing -- I did not set up the structure I described! My husband and his addictions therapist did.
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Originally Posted by EverettsWife
- Find pills in the house -- mandatory 90 meetings in 90 days.
- Find pills in the house again -- car, briefcase, pockets, etc. subject to search until found to be clean for a month. Start 90 in 90 over again.
- Evidence of doctor shopping -- all prescription and doctor records open to both of us
[/QUOTE]Other consequences and boundaries included me not being around him if I believed he was using; and the one I haven't used yet -- leaving him.
I'm not sure what consequences there need to be for someone who still has a monthly relapse........... He must be working his program. I also want truth......... -- I DO want the lies to stop. Is that unrealistic?
As for boundaries, I try my best to practice detachment with love. He knows I love him, but I will not spend time with someone who is using. I will not have drugs in my house. I will not make excuses for him to anyone. [/QUOTE]
i think this second set of boundaries sound good, they are for you. it says what you are willing to live with or not live with and what you plan to do for yourself if boundaries are crossed.
you say he relapses each month but in the recovery world, i think that would be called active addiction. its good to hear that he's trying to work on his recovery but imo, recovery began when the drug use stops then comes the hard work which is a life time process.
no its not unreasonable for you to want the lies to stop but that may not happen until he's serious about working his program, doing what it takes to work on himself and his addictive behavior.
i think it would be better for you if you could focus more on you and allow him to work at his own recovery imho
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
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We set up c & b with an addictions therapist when my husband was going through the beginning stages of getting clean and working his program for real. Consequences suggested were basically losses of his privacy -- something addicts love. A few we worked out:
Find pills in the house -- mandatory 90 meetings in 90 days.
Find pills in the house again -- car, briefcase, pockets, etc. subject to search until found to be clean for a month. Start 90 in 90 over again.
Evidence of doctor shopping -- all prescription and doctor records open to both of us.
Find pills in the house -- mandatory 90 meetings in 90 days.
Find pills in the house again -- car, briefcase, pockets, etc. subject to search until found to be clean for a month. Start 90 in 90 over again.
Evidence of doctor shopping -- all prescription and doctor records open to both of us.
Forcing someone to go to 90 meetings in 90 days because you found pills in the house is not going to make him sober.. oh sure, he might go to those meetings, my AH went to meetings too for a whole year, picking up key fobes to mark his sobriety every month all the while he was high as a kite. Meetings do not make a person sober.. a person gets a stays sober by wanting to be there and by working a serious recovery program.
What are you doing to take care of YOU!!! What is your plan for YOUR recovery? I was once like you, I wanted so bad for my husband to be sober so that we could live a normal life.. I was so wrapped up in his addictions, his meetings, going through his stuff that I stopped taking care of me.
Please take a look at what you are doing.. all of these rules make me exhausted just reading them.. this is no way for you to live your life.. forget about him for awhile and start thinking about YOU!
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Join Date: May 2008
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I totally 'get' the wanting to control things, but I hope you take the time and read around here on SR. You cannot stop or control this. The only thing that you can do is to have in order what YOU will do if you detect/find or whatever. Forcing him to follow by your consequences won't work.
my AH went to meetings too for a whole year, picking up key fobes to mark his sobriety every month all the while he was high as a kite. Meetings do not make a person sober.. a person gets a stays sober by wanting to be there and by working a serious recovery program.
Ditto - mine did the exact same thing. He would jump through ANY hoop that I threw his way. In the end though it taught him to hide it better and minimize it around me, all the while still remaining an addict.
my AH went to meetings too for a whole year, picking up key fobes to mark his sobriety every month all the while he was high as a kite. Meetings do not make a person sober.. a person gets a stays sober by wanting to be there and by working a serious recovery program.
Ditto - mine did the exact same thing. He would jump through ANY hoop that I threw his way. In the end though it taught him to hide it better and minimize it around me, all the while still remaining an addict.
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Join Date: May 2008
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mine went to meetings sky high too, any rules only caused him to stop coming home at all, for days, until he was finished binging.
I can one up you Teke! lol Mine actually RAN a meeting blitzed. Our town is small and our preacher was trying to start an aa/na group. He offered the church, people came and AH had been to so many meetings whereas the newbies had not. He ended up running the dang thing all the while shooting heroin. Meetings mean NOTHING if you're doing it for someone else. I went through 4 years of college - I HATED chemistry. I did the very minimum to get my C because I had to have it to graduate. Kind of the same thing IMHO
I can one up you Teke! lol Mine actually RAN a meeting blitzed. Our town is small and our preacher was trying to start an aa/na group. He offered the church, people came and AH had been to so many meetings whereas the newbies had not. He ended up running the dang thing all the while shooting heroin. Meetings mean NOTHING if you're doing it for someone else. I went through 4 years of college - I HATED chemistry. I did the very minimum to get my C because I had to have it to graduate. Kind of the same thing IMHO
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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They are NOT my consequences! Please, look back to see! This is a program set up by the addictions therapist he'd been working with for some time. I was brought in to some sessions -- and she (a recovering addict/therapist) evaluated me as well, on my own. I was merely participating as asked -- in lieu of in-patient rehab, which was not an option.
The reason I'm asking for suggestions NOW is because things are different -- to a degree. We are not at the same level of crisis we were when that support structure was set up -- and I was only using it as an example, not saying it's how things are now. It was one extreme!
We don't need that level of structure at this point. It served its purpose. And I DO have boundaries -- very similar to what have been described. And I DO have an "out" plan. I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to make this clear enough -- but please don't get so stuck on the structure plan we had to implement -- and please don't think they were MY rules!
What I need now is help -- concrete help -- on how to cope with the little bumps along the way. Am I going to leave if he continues to use once a month? YES! We both know that. And we both know when. And I'll leave immediately if there's another major relapse. No more chances with that.
We're close. Very close - - to him either stopping, or deciding he's never going to stop. (Or to him making a choice I can't live with.) Until that point, there may be a slip or two left -- and I just want to get through them in the best way possible, if they happen.
It's THAT WEEK now -- the week when he'll either screw up, or get it right. End of the month/first of the month -- it's almost time. There's a chance, maybe 50/50, that he'll cave and get some Ritalins. There's about an equal chance that I'll know about it -- by finding pills (not even looking -- he gets sloppy about them sometimes) or by his behavior. I just want to know how to react -- say something, don't say anything -- I'm asking what I should do -- not what he should do!
The reason I'm asking for suggestions NOW is because things are different -- to a degree. We are not at the same level of crisis we were when that support structure was set up -- and I was only using it as an example, not saying it's how things are now. It was one extreme!
We don't need that level of structure at this point. It served its purpose. And I DO have boundaries -- very similar to what have been described. And I DO have an "out" plan. I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to make this clear enough -- but please don't get so stuck on the structure plan we had to implement -- and please don't think they were MY rules!
What I need now is help -- concrete help -- on how to cope with the little bumps along the way. Am I going to leave if he continues to use once a month? YES! We both know that. And we both know when. And I'll leave immediately if there's another major relapse. No more chances with that.
We're close. Very close - - to him either stopping, or deciding he's never going to stop. (Or to him making a choice I can't live with.) Until that point, there may be a slip or two left -- and I just want to get through them in the best way possible, if they happen.
It's THAT WEEK now -- the week when he'll either screw up, or get it right. End of the month/first of the month -- it's almost time. There's a chance, maybe 50/50, that he'll cave and get some Ritalins. There's about an equal chance that I'll know about it -- by finding pills (not even looking -- he gets sloppy about them sometimes) or by his behavior. I just want to know how to react -- say something, don't say anything -- I'm asking what I should do -- not what he should do!
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I sense a lot of frustration, EW. We can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do because we are not living your situation. If you say he knows you will leave if he relapses, then there's really nothing more for you to do. Just go about your business and if it happens, leave. Why would you need to say anything? Evidently, everything has already been said.
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They are NOT my consequences!
I understand your frustration. You may not have set up those consequences, the counselor or whomever may have suggested them, but the end result is that if he does not abide by jumping through these hoops YOU will leave. Kind of like when my kids fight and get grounded from the tv. tvl=reward you=reward
Bottom line though is that HE has to want this. I don't think you're out of line in wanting or demanding these things, but if you re-read everything it is control it's not a marriage or an equal partnership. Maybe if you put up a boundary like ... no drugs in my house period. No drugged out people in my house period. If I detect/find/stumble upon drugs I am gone/i will file/you will leave etc. But to have a consequence by punishment (meetings, being open to being searched etc) that won't work. He has to WANT this, not have it shoved down his throat. From my past experience in doing similar things, the only thing that evolved as him becoming more adapt @ hiding it. The lies became greater, more believable etc.
Hopefully you'll take your defenses down and know that we're here to help, not run you off. We've all BTDT for the most part. Listen to others who have walked before you. It's tough to deal with, I know when I first came here I was WTF? These people don't know my husband. But they do. All addicts follow the SAME textbook. Hugs to you, I know this is tough. I've had the choker chain yanked tight on my AH for years and it doesn't matter - he's gonna do what he wants to do no matter what.
I understand your frustration. You may not have set up those consequences, the counselor or whomever may have suggested them, but the end result is that if he does not abide by jumping through these hoops YOU will leave. Kind of like when my kids fight and get grounded from the tv. tvl=reward you=reward
Bottom line though is that HE has to want this. I don't think you're out of line in wanting or demanding these things, but if you re-read everything it is control it's not a marriage or an equal partnership. Maybe if you put up a boundary like ... no drugs in my house period. No drugged out people in my house period. If I detect/find/stumble upon drugs I am gone/i will file/you will leave etc. But to have a consequence by punishment (meetings, being open to being searched etc) that won't work. He has to WANT this, not have it shoved down his throat. From my past experience in doing similar things, the only thing that evolved as him becoming more adapt @ hiding it. The lies became greater, more believable etc.
Hopefully you'll take your defenses down and know that we're here to help, not run you off. We've all BTDT for the most part. Listen to others who have walked before you. It's tough to deal with, I know when I first came here I was WTF? These people don't know my husband. But they do. All addicts follow the SAME textbook. Hugs to you, I know this is tough. I've had the choker chain yanked tight on my AH for years and it doesn't matter - he's gonna do what he wants to do no matter what.
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i'm sorry if i sounded like i mistook these for your rules, good to hear that they are not. what do you do? i think you do what you want to do or plan to do if your boundaries are crossed.
i also think its up to you whether you say something or not. there is no right or wrong here. i found that confronting my ah did nothing but sometimes causes arguments or him trying to lie his way out, but thats not to say it happens that way for everyone. you have to do what is best for you to do, cause he's probably gonna do what he's gonna do regardless if you confront him or not. jmho
whatever you decide, do it for you, without having high expectations concerning him or his reaction. that would only cause disappointments. hope this makes sense.
i also think its up to you whether you say something or not. there is no right or wrong here. i found that confronting my ah did nothing but sometimes causes arguments or him trying to lie his way out, but thats not to say it happens that way for everyone. you have to do what is best for you to do, cause he's probably gonna do what he's gonna do regardless if you confront him or not. jmho
whatever you decide, do it for you, without having high expectations concerning him or his reaction. that would only cause disappointments. hope this makes sense.
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mrs everett,
here's what i see jumping out, once i cut through all of the weirdness of you getting set up to be sherlock everett:
you said that you both know that you will leave if there is a "major relapse". are you saying that using once a month is not major enough; it is acceptable? don't take that as a challenge; i'm not clear on that.
you said that you will leave if he continues to use once a month, but that one sounds a little muddy. in your own mind, do you know how many times he gets to slip up and then you are gone?
i'm not entirely sure what the "little bumps" along the way would be. do you have some ideas? we have already addressed the one x per month ritalin party -- is the bump another way of saying that? or are there other things that are difficult for you?
you also said that inpatient treatment is simply not an option. is that because your insurance won't do inpatient? because his job will be in jeopardy if he takes an extended loa? there is famla, you know, to protect people. that give a person 12 weeks unpaid leave (if it's a qualifier; i've never checked)
he is seeing this addictions person which would lead me to believe (a) he's very interested in getting clean & sober but he still hasn't surrended and trying to manage things "his way" or (b) he is completely bullsh:tt:ng both of you. this fencesitting cannot go on for long. he will fall off onto one side of it or the other.
here's what i see jumping out, once i cut through all of the weirdness of you getting set up to be sherlock everett:
you said that you both know that you will leave if there is a "major relapse". are you saying that using once a month is not major enough; it is acceptable? don't take that as a challenge; i'm not clear on that.
you said that you will leave if he continues to use once a month, but that one sounds a little muddy. in your own mind, do you know how many times he gets to slip up and then you are gone?
i'm not entirely sure what the "little bumps" along the way would be. do you have some ideas? we have already addressed the one x per month ritalin party -- is the bump another way of saying that? or are there other things that are difficult for you?
you also said that inpatient treatment is simply not an option. is that because your insurance won't do inpatient? because his job will be in jeopardy if he takes an extended loa? there is famla, you know, to protect people. that give a person 12 weeks unpaid leave (if it's a qualifier; i've never checked)
he is seeing this addictions person which would lead me to believe (a) he's very interested in getting clean & sober but he still hasn't surrended and trying to manage things "his way" or (b) he is completely bullsh:tt:ng both of you. this fencesitting cannot go on for long. he will fall off onto one side of it or the other.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Mrs. Everett,
Holy cow, your list exhausts me. I never could have accomplished that with the sons. Doing all of that is not going to help anyway.
My boundary was: If I find any paraphernalia, or I even think you're using, you are getting kicked to the curb.
I agree that the therapist is looking at HIS side of this, not yours.
IMO, I think you need to realistically decide what you want to put up with.
What would make YOU happy?
Holy cow, your list exhausts me. I never could have accomplished that with the sons. Doing all of that is not going to help anyway.
My boundary was: If I find any paraphernalia, or I even think you're using, you are getting kicked to the curb.
I agree that the therapist is looking at HIS side of this, not yours.
IMO, I think you need to realistically decide what you want to put up with.
What would make YOU happy?
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