qazqaz

Against my better judgement I find myself seeing an old friend/acquaintance who is a month into recovery. I am aware that my emotions contain a certain amount of hooks that I see mentioned around this site, such as compassion, and desire to help heal, but I try to keep them to a minimum.

In some ways we are a good match, but I am afraid of him relapsing. He has walked the recovery path before - 4 years of not drinking though was ended by a relationship breakdown, which sent him spiraling down to rock bottom. He is going to meetings and looking in to councelling and generally very aware and determined to fight it.

My head is such a muddle and I need advice on the least painfull way forward (for him). I think I know I have to end it, but I kind of reallly like him. I would love to have him in my life, but he say's he can't have me in his life as just a friend because it would kill him if he saw me get with somone else, because he's fallen in love with me. I can't manage to walk away because I don't want to hurt him, nor can I face the prospect of never seeing him again.

I know if I try and leave he'll blame his unchosen childhood demons (cause of the alcoholism) and his general faultiness, which I can't deny and it all hurts too much... which in turn makes me just want to hold him and not leave at all!

How can I get him to understand that maybe a relationship isn't beneficial in recovery, even though he's doing so well, and how can I get him to not see it as rejection... nor hate me for not standing by him... and how can we become best friends rather than lovers... or maybe that's not realistic because we are too fond of each other.

Oh, and do I let him hang on to hope for six months/ a year into the future, or is that false hope.. Do I just have to never see him again? I so want to stand by him in some way, to not be another person who ditches him, but being just friends in his book is something very distant and probably not an idea he would stand for right now, and I know i'd miss his companionship, imagination and way in which he looks out and cares for me incredibly.

So many questions! Thank you for any tips...

Time4Me1

qazqaz,
Hi, I am in the same boat right now! My b/f is out of rehab and wants me in his life, but also cant handle the friend thing, Basically cant handle seeing me with someone else. I can understand this. I have set up my own personal boundaries however.We will maintain separate living space, continue our own recovery(mine co-dependence and low self-esteem) establish and maintain hobbies and friendships on our own, keep contact with each other to a minimum. I know that he will try hard to break through these boundaries as he did so easily the last time. It is up to me to maintain them. I feel stronger this time, but know that if he cant except the terms of my recovery and healing process then I will have to end the relationship period. That being said I also don't know if I want the relationship either. There has been a lot of damage, distrust and betrayal. I don't know yet if I really love him or If I'm afraid to let go of someone comfortable and familiar...yikes very confusing. One day at a time with boundaries is all we can do I guess.

geraldatwork

They say for the recovering A not to make any major decisions or get into a new relationship for at least a year. My recovering AW (now 10 months sober) who works the program, goes to about 10 AA meetings a week was 13th stepped 3 months into recovery. While this is not directly related to your situation it shows how vunerable the early recovering A really is. Somehow if possible it might be better for a long term possibility for the two of you to stay away for a while. At worst just remain friends and don't get too intimate.

Time4Me1

What does 13th stepped mean? relapse?
I do not want the relationship...I guess I just have so much trouble with boundaries!!! I talk a good talk, but he has a way of moving in fast and and furiously! I hope I can do this right this time. I plan to attend Al Anon for f2f support . Just have a difficult day today, feeling the stress and pressure!! Thanks for the advice!!

FindingPeace1

Hi, qaz! I don't know how much you know about codependency, but look at your quotes above.

You are afraid of his behavior and it's consequences for him.
You are asking for advice for the way forward for him.
You are afraid of making choices that are best for you for fear of hurting him.
You want him to see it your way/not feel hurt/not hate you
You don't want to have him see you as a "ditcher"

OH! Do I understand all this and more! I totally do this, too. I get spinning on him. How he feels, how he's doing, wanting him to not be mad, wanting him to change, wanting him to be happy...
but I can't control him and it's not my job to.

Consider reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It talks about all this and how to work through it.

So, you. What is best for you? What do you want? What do you need? What choices can you make for you that will bring the least drama, the most peace, and the most health to YOUR life?

hello-kitty

Please respect yourself enough NOT to get involved with someone just because THEY insist on moving fast and furious into a relationship that you aren't ready for. If he can't respect your boundaries NOW, this early on in the relationship, imagine how bad this could get IF/WHEN he DOES start drinking again.

If he's not going to stop pushing you into a relationship after you have told him to slow down, then I question if he is really that great of a choice for a boyfriend. You get to choose who you have a relationship with, not him.

Like I said, he's already choosing not to respect your boundaries and your words. The red flags are aflying high! *Warning* *Warning* *Warning*

You have to be your own best friend in this situation.

qazqaz

Anvilhead - Thank you for the reminder of the 3 Cs and the fact that the recovery power lies with him. I know he wont make the call to leave - I've heard him say the exact words; that I am 'good for him' - I guess my stable 'normality' is attractive to him. I do like him a lot, but my head tells me that staying may not be the best move. I don't think my ending it now would lead him to drink, although looking at his past triggers, it might be a different story if we broke up in say two years time, and that would always be in the back of my head.

Stacecakes - Good to hear from someone in a similar situation. Sounds like you are doing well in establishing boundries though... maybe the right future moves will become clearer as you continue as you are.
I started out with good boundries, but whenever we met he always challenged them and blamed himself for the need for them to exist etc and said he couldn't just relax into our friendship whilst they were there etc. Hence whenever we met it was always kind of tense, and unhappy at the end... Anyway as a result my boundries all came down the last couple of times we met and now we are in dangerous territory I think - he's really relaxed an open now, but will be heartbroken if say we are doing the wrong thing in being in a relationship.

Geraldatwork - I think we are both aware of 13th stepping. It is a reason I am thinking of gettin out and I think he has pushed it to the back of his mind with the idea that technically it's not 13th stepping as I'm not an addict/ in recovery. He seems pretty focused on his recovery, but in not making any rash decisions isn't about to be the one to walk away from me. He isn't pushing it... seems to leave me in the driving seat with regards how often we see each other, which I try not to make to often - all of which I see as him following recovery advice.

Wifeofadrinker - I was aware when I was writing that there were lots of references to 'him'! I am aware of the book and will get on with reading it to further my knowledge of co-dependancy.
The whole dilemma that you mention is at the heart of the issue; what about me?
My head tells me that for peace of mind, health etc I should go, but my heart sees that he does tick quite a few boxes and the fear I feel at the thought of not having him in my life at all, as a friend or whatever, makes me realise how fond I am of him.
Hmm... some more thinking to do I think!

Jadmack25

Quote ((I've heard him say the exact words; that I am 'good for him' - I guess my stable 'normality' is attractive to him.))

I am sure that what he said is correct, but you get to decide what sort of relationship..if any.. you become involved in.
This is not school and someone picking you to play on their team for the day, this is real life and there are different rules here.

Frankly I always think of a nasty medicine mum gave us, with the words "this is good for you", as we yukked and gagged at her. You don't want to be "good" or a stable influence for a lover/partner, anyone could be that...you want to be the one who lights their fire and gets yours lit by them......being thought Good medicine does NOT make a spark for me, and my wood isn't burning.

Someone who doesn't listen to me, hear what I say or respect me or my boundaries is not on my welcome list.
He challenged your boundaries, telling you that "he couldn't relax with those boundaries", hmmm.

They were YOUR boundaries, and they were there for you, to stop anyone trampling on you. He wanted them gone, so he could do what he is doing...trampling on you.

Summing up:
You choose what sort, when and with whom you have a relationship.
You set and defend your boundaries, they are there to keep jerks out.

I see red flags all over this 'friendship' and possible hard times ahead.
Be very careful.

God bless

coffeedrinker

the way i see this is:
if you wish to do the best thing for you in this situation, you will cease being a girlfriend; perhaps a friend at a (far) distance would be ok.

if you wish to do the best thing for him, you will cease being a girlfriend. he is not supposed to be getting involved with anyone intimately except his therapist/sponsor for this year. there's a reason for that. if he doesn't accept that, he has a surrender problem.


also: may i remind you of the first thing you said in your original post?

Against my better judgement I find myself seeing an old friend/acquaintance who is a month into recovery.