Adult Daughter has taken over the role of enabler
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4
Adult Daughter has taken over the role of enabler
I have filed for divorce from my alcoholic husband. My adult daughter has taken over the role of enabler and is now so very angry with me. She feels that I should be there to support her in dealing with his chaos and drama. I have tried to explain that I do not want to live the rest of my life dealing with the AH behavior and destruction, that is why I filed for divorce. She doesn't blame me for the divorce, she feels that she has no choice but to take on the responsibility of her step-father and his drinking situations and she needs my support. I feel that I will never be truly free of this man and his destructive life as long as my daughter is right there for him every step of the way and wants me to support her. I truly don't know which way to turn.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Can you get your adult daughter to Al-Anon, so that she can get the message about the 3 c's - not causing, cant cure or control the alcoholic. Most of us understand the reaching rock bottom when drugs are involved and she could probably do to hear from someone other than you that she is not helping by trying to support your AH. Its a tough one and I feel for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by earthmover 
I feel that I will never be truly free of this man and his destructive life as long as my daughter is right there for him every step of the way and wants me to support her.
If she wants to be his caretaker and enabler, that is her choice as an adult. However, you do not have to stay in the front row seat of his alcoholic drama by listening to daily dialogue about his current state. You can set boundaries for yourself by halting or redirecting conversations that center around your AXH.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You couldn't control his drinking and you can't control her behavior...remember we are powerless over others
That being said...you didn't give up your co-dependent ways quickly.
Work the steps of recovery through alanon (or continue to )
and you will learn how to detach where needed. Once you start living your life differently, you will be able to relate to your daughter differently.
She had many yrs. of watching and learning by example from you and your AH
on how to be in an alcoholic relationship. She won't change overnight...no one else in the family has.
Maybe as you recover, she will be open to going to al-anon with you.
One day at a time may your whole family learn to do things differently.
You are leading the way. You have stopped reacting and now can act differently. Have patience and compassion for your daughter as she finds her way.
That being said...you didn't give up your co-dependent ways quickly.
Work the steps of recovery through alanon (or continue to )
and you will learn how to detach where needed. Once you start living your life differently, you will be able to relate to your daughter differently.
She had many yrs. of watching and learning by example from you and your AH
on how to be in an alcoholic relationship. She won't change overnight...no one else in the family has.
Maybe as you recover, she will be open to going to al-anon with you.
One day at a time may your whole family learn to do things differently.
You are leading the way. You have stopped reacting and now can act differently. Have patience and compassion for your daughter as she finds her way.
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