How do you talk to your children about your spouse's addiction?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
How do you talk to your children about your spouse's addiction?
My oldest daughter called me at the office this evening, scared for her mother, saying 'mommy's confused again', as she's on suboxone and drinking, and I don't even know what else.
My oldest daughter is 9, and knows there's something wrong. My younger children(7, 3, 1) don't verbalize it but they most likey know there's something wrong(at least the seven year old.)
I haven't made a decision until yesterday what needs to happen, and I just need the right words to say to my kids who may be without their mother for a while until she gets better.
I'm scared for all of us, especially my children, but my heart and gut tells me it's got to be done. I've been trying to deal with this for a couple of years and she has continually chosen her addictions over her family.
Any input(and your generous prayers) is greatly appreciated.
My oldest daughter is 9, and knows there's something wrong. My younger children(7, 3, 1) don't verbalize it but they most likey know there's something wrong(at least the seven year old.)
I haven't made a decision until yesterday what needs to happen, and I just need the right words to say to my kids who may be without their mother for a while until she gets better.
I'm scared for all of us, especially my children, but my heart and gut tells me it's got to be done. I've been trying to deal with this for a couple of years and she has continually chosen her addictions over her family.
Any input(and your generous prayers) is greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
I am so sorry you are going through this. It's really tough when kids are involved. We have a 13, 7 year olds. When my husband went into rehab, he sat down with them and told them that he was sick and was going to be away for a while to get better so he could be a better father/husband. My 7 year old took it as being "sick" not fully understanding but was ok with it. My 13 year old has a better understanding of what is going on. She has watched him in full addiction and knows that she does not like it and was all for him getting help. I wish I had more insight for you but I am new at this too. More people will be on here in a bit and can offer more suggestions. But I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
with 7 wondering kids, i did the same as kitty, i explaned the disease concept of addiction. according to age, i explained that daddy was sick and needed to be away for awhile to get better, that he wasn't doing things to hurt them or me. i tried to make sure they knew that he loved us all but because of his sickness he couldn't show it all the time. it also seemed to help my kids for us to together pray for daddy to get better.
fortunately, i was introduced to aa/na as an addict and i found meetings for myself that had separate little meetings, alateen and like a kiddie care meeting. maybe if possible you could get them into some kind of counseling.
fortunately, i was introduced to aa/na as an addict and i found meetings for myself that had separate little meetings, alateen and like a kiddie care meeting. maybe if possible you could get them into some kind of counseling.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
The night of our daughter's 9th birthday party (sleepover with 10 little 9 year olds!) her father was pulled over and arrested for possession. He ended up in jail for three weeks before he saw the judge (other issues involved). I had to explain to her the next day that daddy would not be at her party with the family later that day... It was possibly the hardest thing I had to do. I told her that daddy was very sick on the inside and needed to be at a place where he could get help (she didnt need to know at that time that it was jail). You know what she said? She looked at me right in the eyes and said...Good, it's about time because I want my daddy back"...
As much as we think we are protecting them, they undoubtedly know that something is wrong...
She is now almost 14 years old... My RAH now has 3 years and 2 months clean and in active recovery. She Knows now exactly what went on back then...he is very open about everything with her, they have an amazing relationship now (even if she is a bit on the "know-it-all" side of being a teen, LOL)
Talk to them from your heart, tell them what you feel is appropriate, and in a way that you know they can understand.
As much as we think we are protecting them, they undoubtedly know that something is wrong...
She is now almost 14 years old... My RAH now has 3 years and 2 months clean and in active recovery. She Knows now exactly what went on back then...he is very open about everything with her, they have an amazing relationship now (even if she is a bit on the "know-it-all" side of being a teen, LOL)
Talk to them from your heart, tell them what you feel is appropriate, and in a way that you know they can understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Prayers coming your way. I would pull lots of help from whatever resources you can. Is there family/doctor around who could do an intervention? Boundaries ! I was that child growing up and I wish my Mom had done something about my alcoholic, and abusive Dad. Alanon? My therapist helped me work on some boundaries for my X.......to do 90 meetings in 90 days or I was leaving. He didn't do it. I left. He has lost everything. I'm ok. I am praying for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hi Spinner,
it's good to meet you although I am sorry it has to be under such circumstances.
I have 3 kids, 18, 11 & 9.
I was totally honest with all of them. I told them thier dad took too many pills and was making bad decisions for himself and until he got help for that he could'nt live with us.
Kids are smart, chances are your 9 year old knows pretty well exactly whats going on. With the younger ones follow teke's advice.
Have you thought about going to any Naranon or Alanon meetings?
Hugs,
Teggie
it's good to meet you although I am sorry it has to be under such circumstances.
I have 3 kids, 18, 11 & 9.
I was totally honest with all of them. I told them thier dad took too many pills and was making bad decisions for himself and until he got help for that he could'nt live with us.
Kids are smart, chances are your 9 year old knows pretty well exactly whats going on. With the younger ones follow teke's advice.
Have you thought about going to any Naranon or Alanon meetings?
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I tell my son your daddy loves you, but he is sick and that causes him to make bad choices.
Yeah. It's hard. My son is 4. No matter how you tell them, they still hurt.
But we cannot change the behavior of our spouse (or ex in my case). We can only assure our children that no matter what happens, they have one parent (you) that will take care of them and that they have nothing to worry about.
I think the most important thing is that your children feel safe and secure. Leaving them in the care of a "confused" mama who is high on pills and alcohol does not make them feel safe and secure.
Telling the children that mama had to go away to get help for her sickness/drug addiction (depending on how mature your child is) and letting the children know that she will come back when she's healthier and "recovering" (I always talk in terms of recovery to my 4-year old) would be my choice.
Yeah. It's hard. My son is 4. No matter how you tell them, they still hurt.
But we cannot change the behavior of our spouse (or ex in my case). We can only assure our children that no matter what happens, they have one parent (you) that will take care of them and that they have nothing to worry about.
I think the most important thing is that your children feel safe and secure. Leaving them in the care of a "confused" mama who is high on pills and alcohol does not make them feel safe and secure.
Telling the children that mama had to go away to get help for her sickness/drug addiction (depending on how mature your child is) and letting the children know that she will come back when she's healthier and "recovering" (I always talk in terms of recovery to my 4-year old) would be my choice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Rehab might be upsetting for you, but the immediate issue for them is how they feel about Mommy the addict (likely scared and upset). They know things aren't right, they don't need a talk with you to get this information. What they don't know is how to handle the information.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 215
We explained it to four girls when when their dad had to go to rehab. The youngest were four at the time (twins). We thought they wouldn't understand. Big surprise. They said 'oh good, dad will get better now.'....they knew he was 'sick'....
Years later. They understand that both their dad and me (step mom) are both in recovery. And asked if their mom would ever get help like daddy did.
They are grown now and have been exposed to meetings AA, NA, ALANON, NARCANON. Family counseling. So far, none of our four girls have shown any similar family traits. Hopefully, our grandkids will see only recovery all of their lives. It would be a wonderful break in the cycle for our families. Keeping you in my thoughts/prayers.
Years later. They understand that both their dad and me (step mom) are both in recovery. And asked if their mom would ever get help like daddy did.
They are grown now and have been exposed to meetings AA, NA, ALANON, NARCANON. Family counseling. So far, none of our four girls have shown any similar family traits. Hopefully, our grandkids will see only recovery all of their lives. It would be a wonderful break in the cycle for our families. Keeping you in my thoughts/prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with the others. At first I didn't want to be open because I thought he'd get through rehab, get back to normal and this would be a blip in the road. It was NOT a blip as it's still going on.
Initially, I sat down with my two told them about what was going on. Told them that he was 'sick' but not sick like a cold or the flu. My dd sucks her thumb. She's 9 and still does. I explained that it is kind of like her 'habit' that is hard to break. I explained that daddy doesn't want to be like this, but he needs help to get better. I also made sure they knew that NONE of this was their fault. I made sure that they knew their dad loved them very much. I made sure that they knew I loved them and would always be there for them. I made sure that they knew the lines of communication were always open with me. I took them seperately and often to places (store, errands etc). That was an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with them and answer any ?'s that they had.
I also bought workbooks from amazon about addiction. It's addresses feelings and asks them to draw how they feel, write how they feel, color how they feel etc. They LOVED the books. It explained alot to them on their level. I saved these books and sent them to rehab with AH.
One thing that I personally don't like is the blanket statement of 'they're sick'. Yes, they are sick BUT for me, I didn't want the kids thinking that if they got sick they'd have to leave or I would leave etc. As in if I'm telling them daddy can't be here because he's sick and needs help that they would associate them being sick and the same thing would happen to them. He is sick, but right now he's not choosing to get help or get into treatment.
Hope this helps - for me, this is one of the hardest things about addiction is what it does to the kids. Another thing that I did was to let them know that their are 'safe people' that they can go to. Myself, my parents, uncle, aunts etc. (naming people) with any questions that they have. I did this because I didn't want them going to school and freely telling people that their daddy doesn't live with them because he does drugs. This way they had outlets, but weren't blabbing it to the entire 2nd grade class. As a parent - I wouldn't want my kids running with or staying with someone's parent who does drugs.
Hope this helps some - honesty and keeping an open dialogue is key IMHO.
Initially, I sat down with my two told them about what was going on. Told them that he was 'sick' but not sick like a cold or the flu. My dd sucks her thumb. She's 9 and still does. I explained that it is kind of like her 'habit' that is hard to break. I explained that daddy doesn't want to be like this, but he needs help to get better. I also made sure they knew that NONE of this was their fault. I made sure that they knew their dad loved them very much. I made sure that they knew I loved them and would always be there for them. I made sure that they knew the lines of communication were always open with me. I took them seperately and often to places (store, errands etc). That was an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with them and answer any ?'s that they had.
I also bought workbooks from amazon about addiction. It's addresses feelings and asks them to draw how they feel, write how they feel, color how they feel etc. They LOVED the books. It explained alot to them on their level. I saved these books and sent them to rehab with AH.
One thing that I personally don't like is the blanket statement of 'they're sick'. Yes, they are sick BUT for me, I didn't want the kids thinking that if they got sick they'd have to leave or I would leave etc. As in if I'm telling them daddy can't be here because he's sick and needs help that they would associate them being sick and the same thing would happen to them. He is sick, but right now he's not choosing to get help or get into treatment.
Hope this helps - for me, this is one of the hardest things about addiction is what it does to the kids. Another thing that I did was to let them know that their are 'safe people' that they can go to. Myself, my parents, uncle, aunts etc. (naming people) with any questions that they have. I did this because I didn't want them going to school and freely telling people that their daddy doesn't live with them because he does drugs. This way they had outlets, but weren't blabbing it to the entire 2nd grade class. As a parent - I wouldn't want my kids running with or staying with someone's parent who does drugs.
Hope this helps some - honesty and keeping an open dialogue is key IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
As a child of an Alcoholic for all that read this, please tell your children what is going on. They know so much already. My feeling is this is when it starts, the blame. If they don't understand it, they are more likely to blame themselves for the chaos in the home. Its fairly simple. Talk to them a little, ask if they understand, if they do, you can go deeper into the topic, if not, ask them what they might not understand and elaborate. Talk in little bits, and let them ask questions and give comments. Its not a lecture, or lesson plan, its a conversation... Maybe your daughter knows someone, or knows about diabetes. This maybe a good start in explaining the addict, and how they are allergic to a medicine/ substance, yet there is a part of their body that still wants it even though it is not good for them. The addict loves, but the body wants.
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