danielsgirl

I found this forum a couple weeks ago and have been reading a lot here, but am still so lost that I don't know where to turn or what to do.

My fiance and I have been together for just under 7 years. He lives 8 hours away from me. He is such a loving and good man and is so tender with me, that I feel guilty for even questioning or having an issue with this drinking. Please bear with me.. this will most likely be long but I feel like I need to just finally get it all out. Other than him and my therapist, I don't talk about it, and I only lightly 'touch' on it with my therapist. I don't know if he just has a problem with alcohol, is an alcoholic, or if it's as he says and he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. I am so confused and frightened!

I am upset. He just called from California and he has been invited to wine tastings at some vineyards there with friends. He canceled our nightly phone date so he didn’t take the chance on being swizzled during our call. I told him thank you for letting me know, and that I appreciated that he let me know in advance and that I appreciated that he didn’t want to be swizzled for our date, because I DO appreciate those things. What I am upset about, is that he had to cancel our date in case he was swizzled instead of making sure he wasn’t. That he couldn’t just decide to control it so he wasn’t swizzled so we could still have our date.

It also really upsets me that I can’t tell him that I am upset or why. Alcohol is just a hot button with him and I can’t bring it up. Instead, I sit here and cry.

The past two evenings, our dates have been very difficult and frustrating for both of us as we have discussed our issues. We had decided last night that the rest of the week would be focused on the positives, and we would only discuss our issues once a week. Tonight would have been our first tender date in several days. I was really looking forward to it. I needed it. Instead, because of alcohol, our date has been canceled. Yes, he did say we could still have our date after I let him know I was disappointed, but he just doesn’t want to take the chance of him being swizzled. I said, that’s ok, just have a good time. Why did I say that? Because he didn’t offer to NOT be swizzled and I don’t like the intoxicated dates. They are very difficult. Still, he chose alcohol over our date, but I would be certain that he wouldn’t see it that way.

I’ve been to wine tastings in Napa Valley. In fact, I did one that was an entire day. I didn’t get swizzled at all, because you swirl and spit. That’s why they have the bucket there next to you. I know you can participate in wine tastings and not get intoxicated. Why can’t he? Why can’t he just not get swizzled so he doesn’t cancel our date in advance of anticipating getting swizzled??

He says he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. He gets so defensive about it. The thing is, alcohol IS a problem, or at least causing problems. He has had to ‘control’ his drinking or his consumption. He is trying to moderate it, limit it, etc. I believe that people WITHOUT a problem with alcohol don’t have to do that. It never enters their mind to have to do it because they don’t have an issue with alcohol. The last time he was with me, he was at a business conference. At 5 pm when he was done for the day, I let him know I really needed him. Something serious had happened with my daughter and I told him I really needed him. Instead, he got drunk within 2 hours so he couldn’t be there for me. When he is intoxicated or ‘swizzled’ he rambles on our dates, is morose, and doesn’t remember a word we spoke about the next day. Other times but much more rarely, he is belligerent and difficult. There have been times when he has gone in to take a bath and had an entire bottle of wine, then had a scotch. Other times he has had a whole bottle of wine in an evening, after a few beers during the day. That is excessive. Now, canceling our date rather than not get swizzled? That is a problem for me. The thing that makes this so hard to know if he has a problem or is an alcoholic is that he doesn't get drunk that often. He will get swizzled, but even that isn't often. He has recently cut way down on his drinking and is 'moderating' it. He used to drink to excess much more often than he has in the past year or so and he really has worked on moderating it over the past year especially. He can go for weeks and I don't notice him being drunk or swizzled, but I don't live with him, he is in another state, and I really don't know. I do know his sons have commented to me in the past that they believed he has a drinking problem. His sons live with him.

I had told him a couple of weeks ago that I believed he was an alcoholic. I don't know if that is right or not. He does abuse it at times. I was amazed when I read this forum how many of the things my fiance does, the alcohoics here did and do. That they were able to control it, ‘manage’ it by things like only drinking on weekends (he has done that before), only having beer (he did that too), limiting the number of drinks per day or week (again.. he has done that too), etc. They didn’t believe they had an issue with alcohol because they could go weeks without a drink and he believes that too. It goes along like that and then like flipping a switch, he will begin drinking to excess again. I have seen it cycle over the past 7 years. Yet, it doesn't affect his job performance, or his life other than with his relationship with me.

I DO see the changes he has made regarding alcohol in his house and with his sons. It used to be a significant problem but he changed that. His house used to be the party house.. go to dads with a case of beer and sit and watch games and drink til they were drunk. Or drinking hard liquor to excess together. He has stopped that and doesn't allow that with his sons now, but he also had to because his son was a beligerent, raging alcoholic. While I see the changes he HAS made, it is his personal consumption and his extreme defensiveness regarding it that concerns me. It is like he has blinders on to the reality of it. It is so much easier for him to blame me for it being an issue instead of what he does with it. He has told me that 'normal' people wouldn't have an issue with it at all, but I do because of my upbringing, alcohol is looked down on in my state, etc.'

It frightens me to my core. My biological mother was a raging alcoholic, my step dad was a raging alcoholic, my second step dad was even worse, and my sister is going to prison because she is an alcoholic and relapsed and got another DUI while she was on a felony bond. My grandpa was a raging alcoholic. My uncle is an alcoholic. I experienced very ugly things with my fiance's son due to his alcoholism. My children experienced ugly things with his son due to his alcohol abuse. (His son has quit drinking on his own and has been sober as near as we can tell for about 7 months. Alcoholism is a huge issue for me, just like smoking is for my fiance because he lost his parents to smoking. He railed at me about smoking, was verbally abusive, and very mean at times. He was VERY judgmental about it, because he has such an issue with it. I quit smoking not only for myself but because it was such an issue for him. Yet, instead of understanding that alcohol abuse is a huge issue for me and being honest and NON-defensive about it, he gets upset with me and blames me for it being an issue. I don’t have an issue with others that drink socially and responsibly that don’t have an alcohol problem. I DO have an issue with the level of his drinking and what it does to us.

I am so frightened that we will marry and it will continue or get worse. Will there be other things he will cancel because he might get swizzled??? Will there be other times when I need him and he isn’t there for me because he is drunk? When he is drunk, he snores and keeps me awake. He has tried not to drink in the evening so that doesn’t happen and I really appreciate it. He doesn’t remember things we talk about when he has had too much to drink. He gets so depressed and morose. It really frightens me and I don’t know what to do about it!!

The reasons he has given me also point to a problem with alcohol. When he got drunk and wasn’t able to be there for me when he was here the last time, he told me that he had met a man from another country at his conference that he’d done business with and the man wanted to go drinking so he ‘had’ to. ‘How would it make him look if he didn’t drink and had soda instead?’ What will people think if he doesn’t drink like that in social situations, conferences, etc.? He has told me that that kind of drinking at conferences is important for 'networking.' He has told me ‘he is on vacation and relaxing, it’s what you do when you are on vacation (this was at Christmas when he was here with me). He has told me so many ‘reasons’ why he drinks to excess. When I get upset about it, or when it impacts US or me, he gets upset with me. He gets frustrated and short with me. Yet, I have told him that I won't experience another drunk phone call (not that they even happen that often, they have just happened often enough during the past 7 years) and I do see that he did respect that by letting me know he was canceling our date this evening so he didn't take the chance on being swizzled. I know in his mind he was being considerate and doing something good and if I am upset about it, then he will feel blindsided that what he does isn't good enough.. but I feel set aside for alcohol.

I get the reasons or excuses.. I used them when I smoked. I get it. I see it for what it is. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I love him so much and want to spend my life with him but am so afraid of how his drinking negatively impacts us and his defensiveness about it and his refusal to really honestly look at it. His mother was an alcoholic and his son is one.. he knows what can happen, yet won’t HONESTLY look at his own issue with it. He is so good at identifying MY issues and focusing on them, I wish he would put as much effort into looking at his own.

I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make him change it. He has to do that on his own. I just need some help in knowing how to deal with it because I’m lost on it. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to talk with him about it without making him defensive or angry.

I love him so much. He is such a good man and I know he loves me. In every other aspect, he is so protective of me, never wants to hurt me, is so kind, considerate, and caring. It's just how he reacts when the alcohol is brought up and his inability or refusal to really look at it without getting defensive and angry. I just wish so much that he could really ‘get’ it and fix this. He is Mr. Fixit.. but he won’t look at this with the honesty that it needs and fix this for himself and for us. It breaks my heart and makes me so sad.

Can someone be an alcoholic and be able to go weeks without drinking? Can they be one if they don't get drunk daily or even weekly? Can they be an alcoholic if their work doesn't suffer because of it? I don't know.. maybe he's the normal one and I really am just looking for something to be upset about and tell him he is doing wrong like he has said. I need any help you can give me. Thank you.

suki44883

You have asked a lot of questions. I can't begin to answer all of them, but there are a lot of folks here who maybe can. A couple of your questions were, Can someone be an alcoholic and be able to go weeks without drinking? Can they be one if they don't get drunk daily or even weekly? Can they be an alcoholic if their work doesn't suffer because of it? Yes, this is called binge drinking. They can go days, weeks, or sometimes even months without drinking, but when they do decide to drink, they usually binge out. Meaning they drink until drunk. Sometimes they only drink for one day, but sometimes, they go for several days. Then, they may not drink again for quite some time.

Regardless of whether or not your fiance has a problem with alcohol, it's very apparent that you do. It obviously bothers you a great deal. You seem to spend an awful lot of time worrying about whether or not he is drinking. Many of us here will tell you that thinking about that all the time will drive you crazy. Is it possible that, given your family history of alcoholism, you are projecting your fears onto him? Can you just let it go for a while?

nodaybut2day

danielsgirl...first off, WELCOME TO SR!! This is a great place to find support; I do hope you keep posting and reading.

Second, considering your family history with alcoholism, have you thought about attending Al-Anon? It seems like you have a lot to talk about and resolve, and Al-Anon would be a great place to do that. Also, it would help you to learn to detach from your fiance's issues and focus on yourself.

Keep posting!

Cowgirl1265

If his drinking and being drunk is a problem for YOU, why does it matter what HE says about it? You don't want to be around someone who is drunk, and he keeps defending his right to be drunk to you. Is this the man you want to spend your life with? Is this the life you want to live? Because it will not change when you get married.

nodaybut2day

Agreed. Who this man is RIGHT NOW, TODAY, super-protective fiance + binge drinker is exactly the man he is willing to be. Do you love this man completely, drunken episodes included?

Food for thought...

danielsgirl

Thank you for your responses. You have given me much to think about.

I have considered Al-Anon and will look more into it and see if there is a chapter in my area.

I wasn't exposed to the alcoholism with my relatives until I was in my 20's. I didn't have a relationship with my biological mother and her family until I was in my 20's but after that, I received many, many drunken phone calls from her. I was just reunited with my sister 2 years ago and have seen the destruction her alcoholism has done to her life and to her children's lives. I wasn't raised in a family that used alcohol. I have friends and current family members that drink, but drink responsibly and don't have an issue with that at all. I also drink the occasional glass of wine or two, or a beer. I could take it or leave it. If I were told I could never have a drink again, I'd be ok with that.

When I got sick and tired of my mother's alcoholic behavior, I told her I would not speak with her again until she had been sober for a year. She became sober and we resumed a relationship, however, she is a dry drunk and her behavior actually became worse, so I cut her out of my life.

I have witnessed, as an adult, the destruction that alcoholism brings and made the decision that I would not put up with that kind of behavior. It isn't so cut and dried with my fiance, however. The alcoholism I witnessed from others was so in your face that there was no question about whether or not they were an alcoholic. With my fiance... I just truly don't know. He drinks to excess around me infrequently... but it's what happens when he does. His behavior when he has drank to excess and his defensiveness about it, the excuses he gives, etc., are difficult. I do see red flags, but it is so infrequent that I just don't know. I don't spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about his drinking - just when he does it and it's caused issues for us. Then, it's like I'm hypersensitive about it for a week or so. It's also the fact that I can't seem to be able to speak with him about it without him getting so defensive.

He can go weeks without a drink (although I have no way of really knowing because he is 500 miles away), then can have just one or two and stop there. Then.. he will gradually go into the having more and more until he is to excess. When he has excess that will seem to be the norm for awhile, but he doesn't always get drunk, in fact he gets drunk very infrequently. He can tolerate a high amount of alcohol. He will drink the excess though to the point that he doesn't remember what we have talked about the next day, or it makes him so tired and groggy that within a few minutes of talking he needs to go to sleep, or he will be morose and almost fatalistic. Again, this is infrequent... maybe once a month. It is enough and has happened enough over our 7 years together though, that I am noticing it more. I especially noticed it when I told him I needed him two weeks ago and within 2 hours he was so drunk he wasn't there for me. He did admit he did wrong that night, but has also gotten very angry and said that he does NOT have a problem with alcohol. His own adult son, that is a recovering alcoholic, has told me he wonders if his dad is a closet alcoholic and he lives with him.

I don't want to live with an active alcoholic and won't marry one. I have no problem with one in recovery or recovered. I just don't know if he is or if he is getting on the slippery slope and it's waiting to hit. I don't know how to recognize an alcoholic in the early stages. The ones I was exposed to were fully immersed in the illness. I don't want to end my relationship if he isn't. I love this man and with the exception of THIS issue, he is very good to me and is a very good man. Damned if I do and damned if I don't....

coffeedrinker

i can't imagine someone who believes their partner is alcoholic, and it turns out he/she is not. you are believing he is, alternating with questioning whether he is, for a reason. you know.

keep reading other posts here. you will find many stories that you will resonate with. you will one day have to make a decision: to stay with someone who drinks alcoholically, and has behaviors to match, or not. and if you don't decide, that's a decision too.

please keep coming here. and consider attending al-anon.

danielsgirl

Thank you coffeedrinker. What you said really hit home with me. Thank you.

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

Learning more about alcoholism has helped me. The best resource (imho) is the book "Under the Influence". This link from one of our forums contains excerpts from the book:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

nodaybut2day

I'd like to remind you, as other have reminded me in the past, that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Things may be "not so bad" right now, because the binges are far apart from each other, but eventually, things will get worse, the binges will get closer or more excessive...Do you want to wait around for that? I'm not talking about something that will take a few months; we're talking years of your life here. Do you want to live with that? It's not a challenge or a competition to see who is most able to stand toxicity and abuse within a relationship...

This is simply an important question to ask yourself.

Additionally, recovery--both for the alcoholic and for the codependent who is addicted to the alcoholic, is a lifelong process and commitment. Once we, as partners or family members of an alcoholic come to realize this, I find it changes our perspective drastically (at least for me anyway).

When I realized that my XAH (X-Alcoholic-Husband) was never going to commit to recovery, and that he also would never admit he had a problem, I couldn't see myself and my daughter continuing to be in his life. I made the choice, and with the help of SR, I found a way to leave. In a way, I'm still finding ways to extricate myself from that marriage. Like I said, it's a lifelong process.

Keep posting!

catlovermi

This isn't meant to sound smart alec, but I suspect it will:

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Like Dorothy in Oz, you have all the answers already, you just don't realize it.

You are busy bargaining with yourself, trying to get the fairy tale. The truth is, you have only a carefully staged piece of this man, from long distance. He can, for a few minutes each day, paint himself into any Prince Charming he needs, to keep you hooked. Perhaps there is a valid reason you are now SEVEN YEARS into this relationship, and it's still not permanent or local.

Your gut is telling you many messages. The fairy tale is making smoke and mirrors while you try to hear those messages.

Substance abusers are extremely gifted at painting themselves into the perfect partner... if only (they didn't drink, didn't xyz) ... -- if they did not have this talent, they would not be able to sustain any relationships. They need to be able to seem extraordinary, in order to get those attached to them to keep attached, despite drastic obvious deficiencies (i.e. substance abuse issues).


The truth is: the extraordinary person you believe he is is a staged persona; the real person is the one choosing to get swizzled while you can't see him or feel the effects long distance.

Why else would you feel these red flags?
Why else would he be SO defensive about his substance abuse?
Why else would you accept this situation, and for so long, AND YET wonder if you should still marry him?

The data are all there, in your post.

CLMI

Bernadette

I used to tiptoe around alcoholics too. They get so prickly & defensive and get you questioning your own good judgement. Made me cuckoo!

AlAnon helped me straighten out my thinking and get out of denial and into reality.

The behavior you describe- canceling a date so he could get drunk (it is what it is - even if we call it something cute like "swizzled!"), defensive reactions to discussions of alcohol, quantities of wine consumed and scotch, choosing to drink and become unavailable when you told him you needed him, setting you aside for alcohol, not remembering conversations, lots of justifications for why he drinks the way he does (terminal uniqueness!) etc: that all screams alcoholic behavior to me!!

And your behavior in response to all this - saying "have a good time," when you really want to say - "OUCH, that's not acceptable - you don't cancel our date so you can get drunk!" all your questioning of very obvious evidence, holding onto some magical thinking that when you get married things might be different when the reality is that alcoholism is progressive and things always get worse unless and until the alcoholic chooses recovery & sobriety, and there is no timetable for that, there is no knowing how bad things will get before that, and there is no knowing if recovery is even possible. All that is completely out of your control.

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. Can you accept yourself in this relationship, as you are today 100%, a person who is too intimidated by her lover to speak her mind? The fact that you are here is testament to your mind's trying to break through the denial that you've been transacting in to make this relationship work. Trust your gut - keep posting and seeking answers and help!

AlAnon is s huge resource. And "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.

You're not alone! (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
peace-
b

Learn2Live

He sounds like an alcoholic to me. You may want to stop using the word, "swizzled." The uglier, but less denying term, is "drunk."

Carol Star

In your post you answered all your own questions...."I can't make him change it." I have a similar background with lots of family in addiction......so it looks familiar to you.....in a sick way your "normal" but like me because of your upbringing you can't stand it and maybe you do protest too much. I have finally let go of my XAH because all the love, crying, hope, wishing, praying, begging pleading etc. didn't change the fact he likes to get drunk and high. I gave up the picket fence, prince charming, Snow White, Cinderalla, happily ever after wishes. And I am now happy without him in my own recovery. Alanon will help you and of course SR! LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.

dallas3300

Hi there - I am new here as well and I kind of understand what you are going through, although my relationship was much, much shorter. My ex was rarely drunk around me and had an amazing knack for lying and hiding. He had two degrees, an amazing IQ and my friends and I thought he was the sweetest, most loving boyfriend in the world. When I met him, he really "cut back on his drinking" and he uses that as an excuse to this day. "I don't drink nearly as much as I used to, and a few white lies are no big deal...." As things started to unravel, he stopped being there for me, broke promises and started to disappear and break plans more and more. His denial is incredible - I still question all the time if I was the one with the problem because he is so darned sure he's fine.

Breaking up has been HIDEOUSLY sad, but you know what? It will get better. Your guy has a drinking problem and he's not ready to admit it. And you are already spending so much time worrying if he IS drinking, which I would have done if I didn't kick out my ex.

Consider seeing a therapist if you can - it is really helping me. I am also reading Codependent No More and realizing I have a knack for picking guys that I try to save.

Good luck!!

Jadmack25

"The last thing you need in your life, is another alcoholic."
Honey, unless my radar is broken, you have had one for years.

I think swizzled sounds like a cute dance, and putting a chance to get DRUNK over being on a date with his fiancee, screams alcohol problem to me, plus unloving and disrespectful.

What he thinks, comes from denial and addiction so it means nothing.
If his drinking is causing you distress, then you need to see if you need him in your life WITH the knowledge that he is more than likely an A, and can only get worse.

For me I think I would be telling him "it is over, go swizzle".

God bless

FindingPeace1

Hi and welcome!
I see a lot of me in you. Feel free to click on my name and Read More Posts to see my early posts and people's comments.
A few comments on your post...
If I were told I could never have a drink again, I'd be ok with that.
It doesn't appear your partner would be okay in this situation.

When I got sick and tired of my mother's alcoholic behavior... I cut her out of my life.
Kudos for the strength to do something so brave and painful!

He drinks to excess around me infrequently... but it's what happens when he does.
My husband was/is perhaps even more cryptic. He drank "normally" around me - a few glasses of wine, a few nights a week and never appeared drunk. He was drinking a bunch, but in secret!

Then, it's like I'm hypersensitive about it for a week or so. It's also the fact that I can't seem to be able to speak with him about it without him getting so defensive.
My MO (before this board) was I would come across something (find hidden bottles in the garage, for example) and approach him. He would deny, reason, explain, mollify, get mad, get defensive and I would see I couldn't talk about it and would try to let it go. I would be "hypersensitive" about it, and then move on. That would happen maybe once every 6 months (rarely!). Otherwise, things were great. Made me want to let sleeping dogs lie...(pardon the pun there!)


I don't want to live with an active alcoholic and won't marry one.
Again, kudos for such a strong statement.

With my husband, I may never know if he is a "real" alcoholic. (I would love a test!!) But, I know what matters is his behavior and how I feel about it (I don't like it). The secretiveness makes it nearly impossible to know up from down.

My husband has agreed to go to couple's counseling. He's complaining and mad and upset that we are going. But he's going. I am trying to give him credit for the shift to accepting going, since he swore up and down he'd never go, so it's a big concession for him.
I am trying to have a friendly relationship with him right now, but not let my needs and concerns disappear in the "make nice" like I have in the past. I am still ANGRY and HAVE NEEDS! LOL!
It may not go anywhere, but it is movement of some kind. Even if that movement is just me seeing the writing on the wall more clearly - I don't know.

Honor your upset and mistrust/concern.
Honor your needs.
Recognize where you are not getting honored by your partner.
Consider alanon and read Codependent No More.

You seem to be a strong woman.
I think you will get your needs met.

Hugs and welcome to the family.

Wife

jennabe

Your boyfriend seems to have some similar qualities as my husband. I really noticed how you "appreciate" him only drinking at certain times during the day. Or that he was doing you a favor by canceling your date so that he could get drunk. My husband pulls the "favor" card alot. He says things like "Well, I may drink, but I have cut back for you." Or "I'm doing you a favor by drinking this or that..."

I think this is a sign of alcoholism. Please don't be guilted into feeling that your emotions are wrong because they aren't. I think this is just another rationalization tool that the use.

Good luck to you and I hope everything will work out in the end.

danielsgirl

Thank you so much, all of you, for your responses. It really helps to know others feel what I feel and that I'm not alone or crazy. What you have written has really resonated with me. He does the same things that you describe with your husbands/partners and I always end up feeling guilty for having an issue with it. I always end up feeling like I'm the one in the wrong that is just really off base. I know I'm not though. In my gut, I know there is a problem. I guess I just needed verification for what I already know because he is so good at convincing me he doesn't have a problem because he has cut down, moderates it, drinks 'normally', etc. I know that if he didn't have an alcohol problem, we'd be able to discuss alcohol without him getting so defensive.

I also feel that he gets passive aggressive after I have brought up the alcohol problem. Has anybody else experienced this? Example: After he got drunk when I told him I needed him, we talked about it and THIS TIME, he seemed open to discuss it. He asked me if I thought he was an alcoholic and I said yes. The next evening, he invited me for a date to a movie. We had some time to kill before it started so we were trying to decide what to do. He asked if there was someplace we could go to get a beer or have a glass of wine together. I gave some suggestions, but then he suggested a bar where we have gone before and know the owner. He made this suggestion for us to go have a glass of wine together. (I have to add, earlier in the day he told me he was going to cut down and if he didn't want a drink he'd order a soda).

We got there and he ordered the wine. I drank mine and he left the majority of his in his glass. When we were leaving, I asked him if he was going to finish his wine and he said he wasn't, that he only ordered it so I would feel comfortable by not drinking alone. It was basically a prop. I got upset because in 7 years with him, he has never not finished a glass of wine or alcohol. Never. He has joked that that's alcohol abuse to waste alcohol. I got upset because I felt he had set me up in some way, but still can't figure out how. I mean, HE is the one that wanted to go get a beer or glass of wine, HE took me there for us to have a glass of wine together. I didn't care where we went - we could have just gone to a park and talked for all I cared. He picked out a place to have alcohol and then ordered a glass as a prop so I didn't feel uncomfortable.

We have discussed that evening and why I got so upset. He can't understand why I would be and I seriously wonder if I'm bat **** crazy. He said that when he made the comment that he ordered the wine that he didn't want to make me feel comfortable, he was being considerate and doing a good thing and that what he did wasn't good enough and he was 'blindsided' by me being upset. He said my getting upset wasn't normal.

I kinda feel like he did that to prove he didn't have a drinking problem, sorta in your face thing, very passive aggressive. He has used my getting upset about it as another example of my getting upset over nothing.

Has anybody else ever experienced this sort of thing and am I so off base in being upset about that evening? He is so good at confusing me.

FindingPeace1

It's just B.S., in my opinion.
Don't spend too much time thinking inside a circular crazy-making box.

Don't get me wrong. I think my husband is doing his damnedest. Really. I don't think he has the ABILITY (at this point in his life) to be more honest than he is. When he is blowing smoke, he is doing his best to survive. He's a frightened kid at that moment - out of control and unable to accept responsibility for his actions.

It doesn't make it any less bu!!s**t, crazy-making, crap!