Please help! I really need some advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
Please help! I really need some advice
First off, let me start out by saying that I am so glad I have found these forums. I've only been here for 24 hours and you all have given me so much to think about. It's nice to know I am not alone. I almost could not sleep last night just thinking of things I've read here. I told some of my story yesterday in my first post but I have a decision that has to be made in the next few days. I need advice, suggestions and anything else to help me. So here goes...
My husband has been gone less than 2 weeks. He is staying in a hotel that we really can't afford to do. We decided years ago when he was clean and sober that I would stay home and raise our children. That is what I am doing now. I work a part time at home job so I can bring in money and still feel independent but it will in no way pay the bills. He went to rehab last November and has been going to meetings and has a sponsor ever since. He went about 60 days of doing really good and then has slipped up here and there. He's not taking the pills all the time like he was but I feel he is well on his way. I'm so tired of dealing with it and the break has been great for me and the kids. I've started reading codependent no more and I know that I need to start with al-anon or nar-anon for myself. But what do I do now? There is no way we can live apart financially. I've ran the numbers over and over and it's just not possible. He is feeling the pain right now of being alone and I know that is good for him. Where he is at with the pills is like he has one foot in reality and one foot in addiction. Can he hit a bottom being here if I just let him be and work on myself? Should I just let him come home and just start putting money back to prepare myself? If he comes home, how do I set boundaries and stick to them? What should my boundaries even be? I'm so confused and torn. If money was not a problem, I know what I would do but since it is...what the heck do I do? I should have seen this coming years ago and started preparing myself then but my mind was not where it is now.
My husband has been gone less than 2 weeks. He is staying in a hotel that we really can't afford to do. We decided years ago when he was clean and sober that I would stay home and raise our children. That is what I am doing now. I work a part time at home job so I can bring in money and still feel independent but it will in no way pay the bills. He went to rehab last November and has been going to meetings and has a sponsor ever since. He went about 60 days of doing really good and then has slipped up here and there. He's not taking the pills all the time like he was but I feel he is well on his way. I'm so tired of dealing with it and the break has been great for me and the kids. I've started reading codependent no more and I know that I need to start with al-anon or nar-anon for myself. But what do I do now? There is no way we can live apart financially. I've ran the numbers over and over and it's just not possible. He is feeling the pain right now of being alone and I know that is good for him. Where he is at with the pills is like he has one foot in reality and one foot in addiction. Can he hit a bottom being here if I just let him be and work on myself? Should I just let him come home and just start putting money back to prepare myself? If he comes home, how do I set boundaries and stick to them? What should my boundaries even be? I'm so confused and torn. If money was not a problem, I know what I would do but since it is...what the heck do I do? I should have seen this coming years ago and started preparing myself then but my mind was not where it is now.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think there is no rules set in stone, there is no right or wrong answers here. yes i believe he can reach his bottom right where he is while you work on yourself. everyones bottom is not the same. his bottom may or may not have anything to do with the decisions you make for yourself.
you have to do what is best for you to do concerning your finances but its always a good idea to stay prepared financially so you won't have to be caught off guard. remember that rehab has never been a cure all, relapse can happen at any time and last for any length of time. the question is how much is too much for you? imo, setting boundaries is deciding what you are willing to except or not except out of this relationship, followed by consequences if boundaries are crossed.
you have to do what is best for you to do concerning your finances but its always a good idea to stay prepared financially so you won't have to be caught off guard. remember that rehab has never been a cure all, relapse can happen at any time and last for any length of time. the question is how much is too much for you? imo, setting boundaries is deciding what you are willing to except or not except out of this relationship, followed by consequences if boundaries are crossed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 21
I dont believe you should take him back...imho. Getting him out of the house is a huge step- it might not happen next time (be as smooth). I would find a job, and become independant, depending on a drug addict is not dependable.
I feel for you, change is good and its hard- Im going through similar stuff
I wrote a letter to myself about all the things wrong in my relationship...and when I have those moments of doubt I reread it....might help you too??
I feel for you, change is good and its hard- Im going through similar stuff
I wrote a letter to myself about all the things wrong in my relationship...and when I have those moments of doubt I reread it....might help you too?? Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I can relate because finances are the only thing holding me back from kicking my AH out for good..
Start by going to an alanon or naranon meeting, whether you decide to let him come home or not this will be your biggest support.
I set up a bank account at a seperate bank thaty my AH has no idea exists. I stash money in it every week.. Sometimes it is as little as 10.00 other times it is as much as 50.00. You will be surprised at how it all adds up.
For me to coexist peacefully with my addict I had to do several things and one of those things was to set boundaries for myself. Some of those boundaries are 1) I do not argue, try to reason or accuse him of anything.. trying to do this is like a dog trying to catch his tail... the only result I get is me getting upset.. 2) I know longer play detective.. that was a hard one but for my own sanity I had to stop going through his things.. all it did was make my AH better at hiding his drugs.. his actions and your gut will always tell you the truth... so now that you are not playing detective anymore, isn't it nice that you have all this free time to work on you? 3) I refuse to be anywhere near my AH when he is high.. I leave the house, I leave the room if leaving the house is not partical and I find something to do that takes the focus off of him and puts it back on me. 4) I do not allow drugs into my personal space, if I see a pot pipe or a pill and it is laying out in the open, it gets thrown away..No, it doesn't stop him from using but at least this way I have removed it from my space because I choose to live in a drug free environment.
The above is just a few things that I do for my own sanity and it works well for both of us.
Whatever you decide to do, know that we are here for you
Hugs
Jen
Start by going to an alanon or naranon meeting, whether you decide to let him come home or not this will be your biggest support.
I set up a bank account at a seperate bank thaty my AH has no idea exists. I stash money in it every week.. Sometimes it is as little as 10.00 other times it is as much as 50.00. You will be surprised at how it all adds up.
For me to coexist peacefully with my addict I had to do several things and one of those things was to set boundaries for myself. Some of those boundaries are 1) I do not argue, try to reason or accuse him of anything.. trying to do this is like a dog trying to catch his tail... the only result I get is me getting upset.. 2) I know longer play detective.. that was a hard one but for my own sanity I had to stop going through his things.. all it did was make my AH better at hiding his drugs.. his actions and your gut will always tell you the truth... so now that you are not playing detective anymore, isn't it nice that you have all this free time to work on you? 3) I refuse to be anywhere near my AH when he is high.. I leave the house, I leave the room if leaving the house is not partical and I find something to do that takes the focus off of him and puts it back on me. 4) I do not allow drugs into my personal space, if I see a pot pipe or a pill and it is laying out in the open, it gets thrown away..No, it doesn't stop him from using but at least this way I have removed it from my space because I choose to live in a drug free environment.
The above is just a few things that I do for my own sanity and it works well for both of us.
Whatever you decide to do, know that we are here for you
Hugs
Jen
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I hear a lot of people here hesitant to live without their A"s because of money issues.
For Me, Mr. Sofa, who has a great paying job...is usually broke because he blows his money on pills. I used to think in my head that I wouldn't be able to handle all of the home responsibilities without him, until my Mother pointed out that I had been already doing it by myself.
Huh....once I though about it, she was absolutely right. He was actually costing me money.
No money goes missing anymore now that he's gone (which means I have more)....I don't have to lend him money, pay for rehab, methadone, suboxone, detox, pee tests, and having to fix everything he accidentally breaks when he's high. I know where the bill money is coming from, and when the bills will be paid. I no longer have to wonder if the cable company is going to come and take the boxes because he bounced the payments....and if I pay for dinner, it's because i am the only one eating it. I am responsible for 100% of the finances and responsibilities now....
....and I am free of his addiction, and will never put a price tag on that.
For Me, Mr. Sofa, who has a great paying job...is usually broke because he blows his money on pills. I used to think in my head that I wouldn't be able to handle all of the home responsibilities without him, until my Mother pointed out that I had been already doing it by myself.
Huh....once I though about it, she was absolutely right. He was actually costing me money.
No money goes missing anymore now that he's gone (which means I have more)....I don't have to lend him money, pay for rehab, methadone, suboxone, detox, pee tests, and having to fix everything he accidentally breaks when he's high. I know where the bill money is coming from, and when the bills will be paid. I no longer have to wonder if the cable company is going to come and take the boxes because he bounced the payments....and if I pay for dinner, it's because i am the only one eating it. I am responsible for 100% of the finances and responsibilities now....
....and I am free of his addiction, and will never put a price tag on that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I do understand financial troubles. It's the pits. In my opinion, however, living with an addict, who makes you crazy, causes unrest in the household, models poor adult, father, husband behavior to the children, is about the worse situation to be in.
Have you checked your county's social services? Have you considered living with family for a time while you start earning your own income? Could you let a room - perhaps in the basement - to someone you could trust? (Al-anon may have a message board - most likely in a "Alano Club") I say start poking around - read ads on Craigslist, newspaper, inquire at church, etc. Feeling trapped is just awful.
Have you checked your county's social services? Have you considered living with family for a time while you start earning your own income? Could you let a room - perhaps in the basement - to someone you could trust? (Al-anon may have a message board - most likely in a "Alano Club") I say start poking around - read ads on Craigslist, newspaper, inquire at church, etc. Feeling trapped is just awful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
Have you checked your county's social services? Have you considered living with family for a time while you start earning your own income? Could you let a room - perhaps in the basement - to someone you could trust? (Al-anon may have a message board - most likely in a "Alano Club") I say start poking around - read ads on Craigslist, newspaper, inquire at church, etc. Feeling trapped is just awful.
Not checked into any social services...I'm sure we make more money than what would be allowed. I own this house so moving in with someone else would not really work either. It scares me to death to think about someone I don't know living in my house and being around my kids.
I just have so many feelings coming down on me that I can't think straight. It's like my heart and mind feel something different with each passing minute. I love this person, wherever he is inside this other person. Why can't he come out? He came over alittle bit ago and he was totally clean and himself and he's upset and depressed and I want to reach out to him but I don't want the addiction to be what is reaching back to me. He finally came totally clean with his sponsor and picked up a white chip...I feel like he is sooooo close this time! His sponsor says he needs to get out of that hotel. He's not asking to come home...he knows I'm at my limit. I don't know....I'm rambling...my brain is fried for tonight. Thanks for listening!
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