Teggie

Wow, I don't know what to think.

Got a text from AH last night. I don't know what to make of it.

He's being put into rehab today through MHMR. He's says he has a thorasic fracture that was recently found and that was why he wasn't placed sooner.

Suppossedly, he has been declared disabled (he had tried before and was denied, now he has been approved) and from what his texts said he will complete rehab then be setup on a med regiman through MHMR and will get daily doses from them after rehab. I have always known he has legitimate back and neck issues and pain issues, I just could'nt take the binging and the addict behaviour.

He asked if he could come back into the shop after rehab as long as he works his recovery. I said as long as he was working a recovery I would let him until other decisions are made.

He said he needed to know where he stood with the kids and I. I said I didn't know, I had alot of hurt and anger to work through for myself and the kids had been affected too. I said the best I could do would be to consider some family counseling if he stays in recovery. I know he wanted to hear that we still love him but I am not sure about that honestly and wasn't going to lie. I don't know if anything can be salvaged. I said that wasn't important, what was important at this time was for him to concentrate on his recovery.


I am unsure if this will help, unsure of even holding out any hope that he will get better. I am afraid of losing the emoitional ground I have fought to acheive.

Some time apart is needed. With him gone to rehab I can be free to explore my feelings, my kids feelings and where to go from here.

I just really didn't think he'd do it. I was prepared that he wasn't going to. If anything it seems that this just makes things harder.

What the he11 do I do now?

Hugs,
Teggie

Ann

I think it's good he is going to rehab and am happy for all of you.

It seems to me that he has a lot of questions for someone who hasn't begun rehab yet, and I hope he stops thinking about the future so much and focuses on his task at hand.

Same for you, Teggie, you have lots of time to decide what you would like for your future. Now might be a good time to go to meetings and work seriously on your own recovery.

When you regain your balance, when you can look at this entire situation with better clarity, and when you know in your heart what is best for you and your children...that's when you can figure out how and if he fits in to the picture...with or without his recovery in place.

Good luck and big prayers for all of you.

Chino

When my daughter went to rehab I threw myself into my own 'rehab'. I "worked the recovery I wanted her to do" and continue doing that. That was a piece of advice I got from this forum and it's been a lifesaver.

Freedom1990

Early in my recovery, before my feet would ever hit the floor in the mornings, my head was already 10 miles down the road! I can't tell you how hard I have worked over the years in learning how to stay in the moment.

9 times out of 10, things didn't turn out the way my mind thought they were going to anyway, so it was a moot point staying stuck in the 'future'.

I've only got one life to live. It's far too short to hinge my future on what someone might/might not do. Time is precious to me. I work on staying in the moment, and doing the next right thing for me.

If my own recovery doesn't come first, I'm not much use to anyone, including friends, family, and others in recovery.

Take some deep breaths. Get out of the future. Continue to work on yourself, okay?

:ghug3 :ghug3

teke

i agree with the others, take it one day at a time and continue to work on you. you have plenty of time to think about what would happen then. know what will be will be.

Teggie

Perpetually confused, thats me.

He sent us a text this afternoon saying he was headed to his MHMR appt for his admit evaluation for rehab. After about an hour he's back, I'm like wth?

So he sends a text saying he went to the appt and they have decided he needs outpatient rehab instead of inpatient. And he returns tomorrow to start.

Red flags go up, is he yanking my chain? I send a text saying I don't see how outpt rehab will work when he still has scuzz friends nearby & nothing changes if nothing changes.

He texts back that he has to sever those ties (yup heard that before) so I'm thinking quack quack quack until I get the next text which says he has given his caseworker permission to talk to me so that I can call them and ask what his treatment is about, what kind of goals have been set and why outpatient rehab was decided.

He knows I don't trust him right now.

So I think I will call to find out if he is participating in rehab. Because I have no trust in him. If I find out he refused inpatient rehab or is not participating in a rehab program he won't be allowed to stay on the property and divorce will be imminent. That was my boundry: Get into rehab and work a recovery or you will be legally departed from this family.

Then I'll do whatever I planned to do either way, no rehab = file for divorce. In rehab = possible counseling after rehab completed.

I won't ask about the specifics of his treatment, because thats his boat to float.

I'm pretty wary about the whole thing. I don't even know what happens in outpatient rehab?

Gah,
Teggie

teke

im my exp with rehab/out patient evaluations, i would kind of down play my drug use which would sometimes determine their decisions. my husband would do the same thing most of the time but i was also questioned about his drug use as part of his evaluations, and that did make a difference.

i think that if it would make you feel better to check with them, you have to remember that its his choice whether or not to do in/out patient treatment. either way, its up to him to attend and do the work. imo, i think you might want to just continue doing you and let him do his thing, whatever that might be. still, time will tell you all you need to know, his actions will speak the truth to you.

eaglesgirl

In the very early beginnings of my RAH's IOP, he told me he signed a release stating that they had permission to speak to me about anything...Yep, you guessed it, MORE quacking from that darn pine tree. Insert enforced boundary here. Unfortunately, it DID take a few "beginnings" for him to "get" it...

The GOOD news....by sticking to MY boundaries and actually ENFORCING them, I am proud to say that my RAH now has 3 years and two months clean AND in active recovery...

It CAN work, if one WORKS it!

Teggie

I didn't have to call his counseler, he called me this am.

He said AH had given him permission to contact me about his treatment and so he wanted to know what concerns I had.

I told him I just basically needed to know if he was really participating in a rehab program because at this point I trusted nothing AH said & if he wasn't I was going to have to file for divorce. I stated he was out of our home due to his med binging and lies. And if he received no help there was nothing to try to salvage.

He clarified that AH is being put into a outpatient rehab program because he is not deemed to be in an active crisis (activly suicidal or overdose etc) and that was why the outpatient descision was made.

Since we are seperated and he is listing his addy as his buddy's right now he can claim no income because I am not supporting him financially.

So, it appears he is in rehab at this time. So I guess I will just step back and let him work it. Actions will speak. Actions will tell. I think he needs the time and space away from us to work on this. I am going to maintain the limited contact, keep him out of the house and continue working on me and the kids. The counseler said they have a child program that when AH gets more into the treatment they can see the kids about how this has affected them.

Actions will speak. Actions will tell.

Not sure I am really comfortable with so much unknown right now but I see no other way. Time will tell. I need to decide what path I am going to take.

It's a start anyways. Where he goes from here is up to him.

Hugs,
Teggie

hello-kitty

Yep. Step back and give him the space to commit himself fully to his rehabiliation without any interference. Limited contact, no financial support, keeping him out of the house and protecting the children - those all sound like wise choices and the right choices for you. Remember hands off the addict. If they can't do it by themselves for themselves, they'll never do it.

Stay on the path that you are on. Don't change horses midstream (quote from a great movie).

Now back to you. What are you doing for your recovery?

Teggie

I think I am on the right path, everything is telling me I am. I'm going to do just that Anvil. Observe from a distance. Actions will tell. Actions don't lie.

Funny how things keep changing. Just about 2 hrs ago I got a text, he's being admitted to the crisis center tonight. And he will be there for 4-7 days. That if he didn't go he would have to wait 2-3 mths to see the psych doctor in outpatient and his caseworker decided he needed to see one sooner than that. And that if his buddy didn't take him he would be transported and cuffed???? I saw his buddy out there and AH getting into buddy's truck with a packed bag. He dropped by his truck key for me to hold while he is gone, whether he goes to inpatient or outpatient after this is to be determined I guess.

Just blows me away about how fast things change. I could'nt help but wonder if after I told his case worker that I made him leave because of his extreme pill binging if that made any difference. Or maybye AH demonstrated suicidal ideation. Who knows? It's a comfort of sorts that someone else sees how messed up he is besides me.

It's a good thing to happen, in my opinion.

Thank you all,
Teggie

hello-kitty

I deal with this from my ex. I am SO GLAD that I have stepped out of his tornado. I couldn't live with the way things were always changing. That's just how it is with an addict. I love my stable life. I will not allow my ex to take that from me.

I observe from a distance. Thank god for the distance. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to manage my own life. I'd be too focused on the mess he was in.

teke

I'm willing to bet this may have had something to do with the change. i'm sure his caseworker is kind of use to addicts trying to down play their drug use. thats how it was for my ah. thats probably one reason why they contacted you, to see if his story matched yours. that really is a good thing. i'm happy for the both of you.

Teggie

And he's really there.

But this is just a start, he has a helluva long way to go.

Expectations = a premeditated disapointment.

Yah a part of me would like to think he's doing this because he's had a revelation. But my practical side says he's there because he has no other options.

He does love us, I know that, but that can't & won't ever be enough. He has to love himself first. I just hope he "gets" it and makes a true effort.

I need to give him the time and opportunity to do that. Just like that song by Kelly Clarkson where she sings.

"You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go."

So back on my side of the street. Life goes on. I've got a girls night out this saturaday I'm looking foreward to. Kids to care for and love. My recovery to work on. Hopefully he'll work on his.

Hugs to all my awesome SR family,
Teggie

Teggie

Still pretty wary of things,

He got released from the crisis center Friday night, evidently saw a psych doc who changed his antidepressant to Cymbalta and thinks he has a mental illness that has not been looked into which may explain some his binging behaviours. He had ADD as a child, don't know what they think now. Or so he says. He's evidently now on one pain medication, a sleep medicine, a nonnarcotic for neuropathy and Xanax three times a day scheduled to control anxiety. When I heard Xanax I mentally retreated, there has been nothing but bad news in my opinion over that med. I don't know if all these meds are temporary until he's further into rehab or not.

He's supposed to be back into Outpatient rehab now. And is reapplying for the other disability now, his counselor says he will be approved this time.

We've had more verbal contact, but he remains out of the house, my choice. I had told him if he got help I would be open to talk but I am still keeping my distance. He's in the shop comes to the door some & asked to use the puter once, nothing else, not that he hasn't tried becoming lovey dovey but gets rebuffed quickly. Sooooo not going there.

He hasn't seemed stoned but with all he has been prescribed he doesn't seem very sober either. Enough that it makes me uncomfortable & with a mental illness in the mix now? I just don't know how I feel about that.

Honestly I wish he was on nothing. No drugs whatsoever, but he does have a medical condition that causes chronic pain, and evidently theres a mental illness in there too. Those have to be treated but I don't know if I can accept him being on those meds, right now it makes me want to shove him further away.

But looking further into it I think it's not so much the fear of him taking the meds as prescribed it's the fear of binging that I am afraid of. Every bad experience with him has been binge related.

My older girls became upset when they saw him in the house using the computer. They don't trust him and have very little respect. I told them not to worry. He is still out of our house and will continue to be until we all come to place of healing where it is acceptable to ALL of us to have him home.

I just don't know if we will get there. This has affected the kids, and they are just as much a part of this family as he and I are. What they think matters.

He is staying away from the scuzzy friends as far as I can see. He told the one next door not to call him or come over, he gave his tools back and is in the process of moving the guys boat out that they were working on. But staying away from the scuzzies is a small part of the big picture.

I guess he is doing the best he can, I need to work on why I feel like I do about the meds.

I do love him but I am not sure I want to be with him. I certainly don't right now.

One day at a time.

Teggie

sofacat

One day at a time.

All We can do. Hang in there Teggie. You're in a much better mental state now.

Sure, our emotions waffle from time to time. We want what was or could have been....

But if we stay in the 'now' , take the days as they come...we remain in a healthy place.

BTW- My older girls became upset when they saw him in the house using the computer. They don't trust him and have very little respect. I told them not to worry. He is still out of our house and will continue to be until we all come to place of healing where it is acceptable to ALL of us to have him home.

I loved the way you handled this.
United front. So awesome.

StillLearning1

Teggie-
This is just my own opinion, based on my experience.

I respectfully disagree..
Your daughters were upset and told you how they felt.
They do not trust him or respect him. He has done nothing to earn their respect or trust. They are worried. By telling them not to.. is in a way, denying their feelings.
(kind of how the addicts tell us- not to worry)

But- he was IN their home.
So- no... sorry but I don't think you are all on the same page. They did not want him there. They told you that. Does it matter to you.. if he is LIVING with people you don't trust. Or they are just there for a little while?

But- I am guessing the girls had an expectation that you told them, they could expect. That he was not allowed in the house. Maybe that changed. We can change, but isn't it is only respectful to the people we have told- to tell them, we have changed our minds?

Lastly- I have to say, I respect your daughters for the courage they had to tell you how they felt.

sofacat

Okay SL...

By saying "where it is acceptable to ALL of us to have him home" I feel like she's giving them a voice in this as well. They have to agree on this too. IMO, I think that's pretty healthy. Some Mom's pull the "My way or the highway" route, I don't see Teggie doing this.

Still think it's cool...but that's just Me.

Teggie

Np I see the points. My girls and I have talked at length about everything, I don't hide his addiction anymore. I am very honest with them and our son. They still love him but are afraid he will do what he has done again. Because that is what has happened in the past. They are more worried about him hurting me. They are afraid he won't get better. He has alot of damage to overcome.

When they saw him in the house they thought he was back, they didn't know he was only using the computer for a few minutes. Once that was clear they were fine.
Quote:
"Does it matter to you.. if he is LIVING with people you don't trust. Or they are just there for a little while?" I guess I don't understand this? He is living with noone, he's in the shop in the back of our property.


But I felt the need to tell them that if that choice came up later it would be all of our decisions not just mine. They are first in my life, I am nothing without them. But for right now he has to stay gone.

And there will be no such choice for quite awhile, he needs to complete his rehab & we need to seek counseling and work on ours. There is alot of hurt and mistrust to explore. And I am not even sure it can be overcome.

So far he is doing his part to get better. whether he gets there or not is up to him.

Yes, they have the courage to tell me what they think. I raised them to do so. And they have a very strong voice in our home.

Thank you SL for your insight & thanks sofa, you know me well,
Teggie

Teggie

Oh, on rereading that I think I get it. No, they were asked when he got into rehab if it was ok for him to come in & use the phone etc. They all agreed it was ok. This instance was just the first time he did so.

I'm muddy, lol
Teggie