cessy68

so,here's the deal, and I want opinions on this:

I went back to my therapist, (2 sessions so far). He was my therapist for a year, and I quit last year, and just went back. He (for those who don't know my previous posts) is 22 years clean and sober, and a big help for the AA/NA community around here. He said he was SHOCKED that I was still w/ the abf, when we reconnected 2 wks. ago.

Anyhow. I told him about SR and all I learned. I told him how *** is back to denying his use of pills.

He said, "great, tell him to take an at home drug test."

I said "WHAT????? MY FRIENDS AT SR WOULD TELL ME NO WAY, THAT'S ROBBING HIM OF HIS DIGNITY".

He said, " I disagree. It's real simple. He knows you know he has a drug problem. He admitted this to you. Now he says he's not useing. Period-- so prove it. PERIOD. If my wife felt I was useing, (and I am a recovered addict) I would simply take a test for her. A relationship is about trust. PERIOD".

So, I said, "well they told me about boundries, and If im unwilling to kick him out, than its MY problem".

So he said, "your boundrie dosen't have to be about making him leave. You can simply tell him you want him to take the test. If he won't you'll have your anwer. THEN you say, if you want to continue to waste your money, health etc. on pills, that's fine, but I expect my 400.00 weekly from you to go towards our bills, because I can't trust you will have YOUR half by the end of the month, because you are an addict, buying drugs-- this is YOUR boundry. If he won't do it... then you have decisions to make".

SO. Here I go to the store last night. He came home w/ little pupils, I said," I know your taking pillss again."


"QUACK quack quack" from the abf.

SO, I said, "well here's a drug test, (fling the bag at him) I'm sure it will light up like a christmas tree, seeing it's a 7 panel test...... but go ahead prove me wrong, becasue I don't trust your words anymore."

UGGGH. *look on his face*

"yea, ok.... I'll take it later Cess".

Well --- ladies and gents. It sits unopend in my bathroom. I guess my therapist was right. He wouldn't take it, I didn't proceed kicking my feet, or arguing, I have my answer.

I followed it with the weekly payment discussion today. And he didn't object.

Hmmmmm.

I told my therapist I was going to talk to ya all about this......

DO you all think I did the right thing?

Love,
Cess

aah1977

I think you did something that was well within your rights. You got your answer now you need to decide what that means for you all. This sounds exactly like something my therapist would say

sofacat

Cessy

If you feel like you can live a happy life with Mr. Cessy, tiny pupils and all....if you think you can detach from his addiction and live under the same roof as him, if you feel like it doesn't matter that he's high...as long as he gives you a rent check, If you think it's dignifying for YOU to have to ASK someone to pee in a cup, if you think you can do all of these things and be completely happy and content....then I say you did the right thing.

In the mean time, tell him he owes you $40 for the pee test he wouldn't take. See how well that goes over.

Spiritual Seeker

" My therapist says tell him to take an at home drug test."

"I said AT SR they WOULD TELL ME NO WAY, THAT'S ROBBING HIM OF HIS DIGNITY".

I don't know where you heard that about drug tests. This is no rule set in stone.
Addicts lie. It is not the drug tests that rob him of his dignity..

Drug tests get at the truth.
Of course now what will you do with the truth ?

cessy68

ahahahhaha.... oh dear sofa... how did you know how much that dang thing cost me! lol.

Love,
Cess

sunnygirl68

I would get my ah to take the test but didnt know what to do once I had the results! I guess in some way it gave me some peace to know I wasn't the crazy one, however it became an obsession of mine...I think if u feel you NEED to know the truth it is okay. I agree that trust is the foundation of a relationship and once it is damaged it is really hard to get back!

sojourner

Ha - here's what i thought when you said you threw the bag at him but he refused to take the test.

I thought, "Wow, I hope she left that box intact. Then she could take it back to the store and get a refund."

Your counselor isn't thinking of cost when it comes to those tests. And the more drugs a test can check for, the more it costs. So you have to second-guess which drug he took so you can buy the right test. And when the test comes back positive, the directions on the box say you have to send it to some lab so they can verify the positive test. In other words, if it comes up positive in your house that could be a false positive test, and you're not done with messing with it yet. Who knows how many weeks could go by before the lab sends you their results.

Okay, so you got another red flag. Wasn't him coming home with pills that evening confirmation enough?

Just my thoughts

sofacat

cessy

Hahahaha! Been BTDT a million times over! I can't tell you how much coin I dropped on pee tests!!! I hated it, I always felt so ashamed that I was asking a grown man to pee in a cup. After awhile I had to actually stand there and watch him, because he would pull ALL KINDS of tricks to pass them. He even confessed to keeping a squeezer full of water, peroxide and other things to change the tests up his sleeve.

Even when he legitimately took the tests and failed, he would deny that he was on pills.
Pulled the ole twistaroo game on me every time. And because I was already humiliated
and vulnerable, he knew it would be easier to break me down. And it did, I let it. Pee tests, or no pee tests....nothing ever changed. That's until I established boundaries.

After he came back from rehab in October, I had one test left over. I threw it out. I was done with the whole thing.

For me, it always goes back to the First Step. And me asking him to take a UT would be me trying to control his addiction again, and not mind my own affairs. I can't control any one else....he!!, I have a hard enough time just trying to manage my OWN stuff!

I can't fault anyone for having their mates take a UT...I did it so many times over. It really comes down to whether you want to live like that or not.

I decided that I didn't. I just want a guy who pees in the toilet like everybody else...or maybe the snow!

Insulated

someone here at SR made a very good point. addicts need us more than we need them. maybe you can get to a place where you don't need your A's financial contribution.

sofacat

PS~ You don't need a UT.....you just need to look at his eyes.....the tiny pupils are all the test you need! Never fails!

That, your gut, your boundaries and his actions. That's pretty much it.

What you do with all that information is up to you in the end.

Good luck!

teke

first, i think there is really no right or wrong. i think testing maybe for your benefit, its what you do with the results. leaving or staying has always been up to you. in my exp, its always easier for an addict to continue to use as long as they have a safe and warm landing place.

in my house, i had no choice but to figure out how to keep the household going, even when he chose to spend his paycheck on drugs, even though he'd promise to pay many times. when the money was all gone, he knew he still had food and a home even if he had no job or money because of his addiction. he knew that i would do what i could to keep a roof over the kids head even if he didn't. we all suffered and lived like we were using and that included the kids. imo, my husband had no real reason to take on that fight of not using as long as most of his other needs were met. imo, this made me an enabler even if i dd nothing else but keep us a home.

i tried to stay but it got to where me staying was killing me. i thought with him leaving, he had a better chance at seeing for himself how his life was being destroyed by his addiction, hoping he'd reach his bottom.

my family made this choice and it did help me to see for myself how bad my life had become, it caused me to want to change. i believe if they had chose to hold me up, i would not have had the determination to fight my addiction either.

imo, test if you want to but the real question would be how long are you willing to wait. are you standing in the way of him reaching his bottom? this is not to say that the only way for him to reach his bottom is to be out, everyones bottom is different, but how much is too much for you?

i think for some of us, detaching from our addicted loved ones does not always mean forever or that they have to leave at all. the choice belongs to us. i think you have to decide for yourself whats right for you to do and we support whatever decision you make.

justtired

Hey Cess

So here's what I think... I think you already KNOW that's he's taking pills. I'm not exactly sure what the pee test will do, other than make him say, yep you caught me. Then vow to quit again, maybe even attempt it, and two weeks later be telling you, once again, that he's not taking them. To be honest, I just don't see where it gets you.

I didn't respond to your other thread because I didn't have time over the weekend, but I think that cycle you were talking about is really something for you to take a look at. You already know he's taking pills. I don't think you need to spend your time trying to figure that out or catch him in the act. I'm glad you're going back to your therapist. Hopefully that will allow you to focus on you and take some of your focus off of him.

Congrats by the way on the new job. May not be exactly what you wanted, but it gives you independence AND you can keep going to school. Keep rockin' on lady! You are making progress!

hello-kitty

It doesn't matter what the addicts in our lives do. We are free to accept it or not. They don't have to change. They don't have to stop using. They don't have to do anything. We do. We have to be willing to make changes in our lives about the kind of behavior we are willing to accept in our homes and around our children. Otherwise we are just p-ssing in the wind.

I think your therapist knows this too.

You've known he's been doing drugs for a long time. I know you want him to stop using. But he doesn't want to stop using. It's obvious to me he's not going to - no matter what rules you draw.

I'm sorry. I hope you feel unstuck soon. I think you should feel confident following your doctors advice regarding anxiety medication and drug testing and everything else he tells you. You've been doing it your way for a long time and it just doesn't seem to be working for you... Maybe professional advice will help. Because if nothing changes nothing changes.

Good luck finding freedom! It's a beautiful thing.

Callie

You've known he's been doing drugs for a long time. I know you want him to stop using. But he doesn't want to stop using. It's obvious to me he's not going to - no matter what rules you draw.


I agree with HK Cess. You come up with plan after plan and everything always revolves around him. We've both been at this for a while Cess. It's obvious to me as well that he's not going to stop. He's been pegged, threatened, kick out, taken back, enlists you to help him detox, goes right back to pills and lies about it.

coffeedrinker

you guys already know (if you read it) from the last post about testing, which side i come down on. but only if it's gonna cause something to happen. for me, if it was dirty, he was out on the street. we all know how they do that weird thing that makes us question our (former) good sense. for me, it was "i think you're using; you're acting strange". "nope. not" "ok, then prove it." the time i asked for the test, he agreed immediately. said "i don't like it, but i understand where you're coming from".

sending it to the lab is just sticking the container in an envelope and putting it in the mailbox. wait two weeks, call the lab.


cessy, now that you have the proof you were seeking.....what do you think your course should be?

cessy68

Um? He never has come home w/ pills....... I said his eyes looked funny, and in the past he USED to tell me he knew he had a 'problem', but now is claiming he's 'NOT' useing, and that I'm NUTS.

SO.... this is where the therapist jumped in and said, "great, so tell him to prove it, bottom line is his actions / words never lined up in the past, so tell him to prove it to you and take a test. If it were me, and I have a history of being an addict, I'd never have a problem w/ my wife asking that of me..... it's what I owe her, based on my past."

That's how that all came up.

Never had thought of that before.... and frankly would frown upon it (as I've stated here before on the subject), but my therapist showed me a way of looking at the test thing differently.

thank you for commenting though, I appreciate your time,
Love,
Cess

cessy68

No, and I told my therapist that also. However, he said, that I have an issue with an all or nothing outlook on things. SO he suggested for NOW, just present it this way, make a boundry that I can keep, such as the above... and stick to it.

Then he said, that we can work on the things, (like anxiety) that keep me emotionally feeling 'stuck'. He also said, the following: "*** is a loveable/funny/ warm guy.... I know you have hope, and It's ok. We will start w/ simple boundries, and work on you being more hard w/ him..... and not allow him to 'excuse' himself so easily.... for right now, the pain of him leaving is worse than the pain of you staying in this relationship. Until you can see that it would be better for you without him, you'll keep doing what you are doing. We will work on you, and I will help you with healthy boundries. And those DO include trust.... drug test or not. You have to make him back up his words. If you can't 'trust' him, make strict boundries that you stick with, that YOU have control of."

Im assuming he knows what he is talking about, since he's a recovered addict, and a licenced professional therapist........

?
Just trying to help myself.

I did tell him about the conflicting messages I get from here, and him,
He feels that beating yourself up makes it worse ....... and I do plenty of beating myself up for staying in this relationship.

Love,
cess

sojourner

Your therapist knows you in a deeper way than we do - he is right there in the same room with you seeing your nonverbal actions and hearing the tone in your voice. If the therapist is good enough to keep going back to then he is good enough to follow the advice he is giving you.

In order to avoid the conflict you're getting between him and here, perhaps you should just go along with his advice but then not come here for second opinions, at least for a while until you see the results. He's certainly not asking you to do anything horrible, he's just asking you (in this case) to do something that some of us are conflicted about. He's leading you down a path to strengthen you, and if you can trust him to do that then let him do that.

Just my opinion.

PS: Sorry, I misread "little pupils" as "little pills."

ZombieWife

First off, I think there are a few things you can look at . . .

1. Just because people on a message board tell you NOT to do the drug testing (or some tell you to go for it) doesn't mean either one is "correct." It's different for each situation, imho.

2. Are you advice shopping? I'm glad you're going to a therapist, but bringing all of that information here and pointing out how wrong some folks were here feels like you're searching for that perfect answer.

I'm not pointing this out to be a witch. I'm just wondering about it. I personally think what you did was a huge, positive step. But, I kind of took your post to mean that you are trying to validate something? I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I think, in the end, we look at all we have before us and we go where our hearts take us.

Callie

Cess - you seem to me like a 'plan' girl. As in if you have a plan you can buckle down for the ride. I am the exact same way. I set goals, have mini goals, have a plan. I hunker down and focus on the finish line all the while ignoring the road or the scenery along the way. I've done this for years with AH. This allowed me to remain with a drug addict for a long time. All last year when he was with MIL my plan was to get financially stable. Check. Prior to that it was to get my house in order - I had things that needed fixed, painted etc. Check. Now it's to get AH to sign the papers and help him with his court stuff and get him off to treatment and to his dad's. Still working on that.

My point is I see you doing the exact same thing. Whether you're suffering through withdrawals when he's not there or ready to choke him when he is there. Neither situation is ideal. Just don't do this forever like I did. Life is too short. He is CLEARLY not ready to stop. You've threatened, kicked, screamed, yelled, cried etc. I've done ALL of those things. I couldn't love him clean, scream him clean, hate him clean. NOTHING that I did or AM doing is making a difference.

Tough love is a good thing - hopefully you see that through this and prior posts from SR.