Wifey317

I am new here and my story is this...
My husband has almost 7 months clean and is very involved with NA and his new found friendships. I am very proud and thankful that he has taken these steps to reclaim his life. However....I am so sad that we spend little time together. I realize that he needs this and that my feeling must be addressed in a healthy manner. It hurts to think about how he is out fulfilling his commitments and everyone there gets to see the clean man that I have longed to see for so long. I am a bit jealous that I was there when he was actively using and it was so ugly. I want a piece of the pie too! Our relationship was built around drugs and alcohol, so I feel we missed out on a lot. I had little trouble closing that door when it became obvious that he had a serious problem. I am starving for the new much healthier relationship with him. We are best friends and we share our feelings openly without judgment, so in that sense we are fortunate. I attend a weekly speaker meeting with him and love everyone there. We have organized a movie night afterward for the families to mingle. I have made some good girlfriends there and it is very positive. I guess I just want someone to give me some wisdom and pointers as to exactly what attitude I need to have and what I must keep in mind while I spend so much time without him. I really had the false idea that we could be the family who did everything together and had dinner every night together, my was I wrong. How do I keep my mind on track?

Chino

Do you attend Alanon or Naranon?

Wifey317

I would like to, but there are none anywhere around this area. My husband drives 30+ minutes to the closest NA meeting. It is so hard in small towns.

jerect

Usually where there is an NA or AA meeting there is a Naranon or Alanon meeting close by.. I know that 30 minutes is a little ways to drive but if you can manage it I think that you would greatly benefit from one of these meetings.. Sure going to a speaker meeting at a NA meeting is great, I always learn something new when I attend a NA meeting but it's at the alanon/naranon meetings that I'm able to really work on ME... because it's there that I'm able to be around people that share my same experiances, my same fears and my same codie behaviors...

If there isn't a meeting in your area at all, why not start one.. It only takes two people to have a meeting so even if you only get one or two people to attend you will have your own support group.

Wifey317

Right, but I have no idea what I am doing because I have never even attended one. Meaning I have no literature etc. When I mention that I made friends I mean addicts there at the meeting. I do not know anyone else in my situation. I work in a law firm where all the secrets of home life are well kept and I have no friends outside of that except my NA friends. Any ideas on how would I go about getting started?

jerect

Alanon is more common then Naranon so it might be easier to find an alanon meeting.. You are more then welcome to attend an alanon meeting.. in fact many people at the alanon meetings that I attend are spouses of addicts..

Here is a link to the meetings in the state of PA Find a meeting in Pennsylvania ( Mods,I hope that it is ok that I linked this) I would start here and see if there is a meeting close to you.. chances are there is.. I live in a very small town and there are tons within a 45 minute radius of me..

If there are no meetings in your area then starting one is not that hard.. you can order all of the literature from the website that I linked you too or I think that sober recovery has alanon literature for sale on this site.. You can at least get a few books and start reading the daily readings..

It's great that you have made some friends with recovering addicts, my best friend is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and I have often attended open AA meetings with her.. while they have helped me tremendously it was the alanon that I felt the most at home..and after attending one you will see what I mean.

itisatruth

Hi Wifey, first, welcome to SR, I'm glad you found this site, glad you are reaching out for support, and good to hear your husband is working on his recovery. I can understand how you're feeling; my husband goes to three-four meetings a week, and like you, now that he's clean and actually fun to be around again, I miss him sometimes!

You may have been asking about starting a meeting....which would be great by the way....but I don't know where you'd have to start. Maybe contact Alanon or Naranon and ask. From reading your post, I think a great place for you to start would be to work on friendships of your own outside of NA and your workplace.

I know, for me, after years of trying to keep things together at home, I neglected my own needs, and friendships deteriorated. One of my first goals after beginning Alanon, was to work on getting a life for myself again. I had to make calls, I had to step out of my comfort zone and reach out to people, I had to really work on getting back in touch with my friends and do things I enjoy - apart from my husband.

It's great you can be involved with NA and get to know the people he spends so much time with; I go to NA things also. But, the best for you and for your marriage IMO is to both have your own interests so when you are apart, you are finding your own happiness and when you are together, you can be happier together.

megan09

Hello there! Great to know your husband is in recovery, and good to know you support him 100%! What you are feeling is very common for spouses in early recovery; he spent all his time on drugs and now he spends his time on his recovery!!! He is still very early into his clean life and meetings etc. are important at this time to him and he is to be commended for his efforts, and you should be for yours. Eventually you will both find a balance and you will benefit from his company more; he won't always feel the need to attend so many meetings as his length of clean time progresses, although they will always remain an important and necessary part of his recovery. Wishing you both well.

StillLearning1

I can't remember the exact number. (anyone feel free to jump in if you know)
But I recall hearing a statistic awhile ago, that for every addict/alcoholic, there are 21 people affected by *the disease*.

3 meetings a week? Even a speaker meeting? Yet no alanon?

Well- here is a thought. Next movie night, why not tell the other S.O.'s how you feel? Ask them if anyone else would be interested in getting together, (without their S.O's) A fellowship of your own? If nothing else-it will be a gathering of people who you share alot in common with. Possibly one of the other people does have some alanon experience.

Also- many recovering addicts are members of alanon. They refer to themselves as "double winners" I know a lot of sponsers who referred their sponsees to *our group* to work on their program a little bit differently. (work on their codie issues!)
Good luck to you-

barb dwyer

Wifey - you can take out an ad in the paper,
or call the local hospital
(they ogften offer conference rooms for free to groups beginning)
and start your own AlAnon group!

how cool would that be?

teke

HI, just want to welcome you to sr. good to see that your husband is commited to working on his recovery and you yours. great advice above. i wish you both well.