jennabe

So I've been thinking alot the last couple of days about boundries, detaching, and the correct way to go about it. I just got finished reading the other thread on here about setting and crossing boundaries and as much as it taught me it also raise even more questions.

I've been giving this "let go of control thing" a try for the last couple of days. It's pretty hard, but not as hard as I thought. (I confess, I'm still monitoring the debit card)

I want to try and do this right the first time so that my husband takes me seriously. I asked myself what boundaries would be important to me. I was thinking I would set the boundary that when you are stoned/drunk I would simply leave the room or house and sleep in a different room. It sounds simply enough. FYI: My husband is actually really nice when he's messed up, so it's pretty confusing at times.

The problem I'm having is control. I know that he is still sneaking the beer before I get home or in the garage. He's not drunk though.... So what do I do? I'm more pi$$ed because he's lying, but that wasn't a boundary. I can't prove that he's lying unless I go search for empties or try to catch him in the act. Once again that is me wanting to control. So do I leave it only and just wait for him to get really messed up and just ignore everything else?


This stuff is sooooo confusing. I don't understand how ya'll do it.

IamSaved

Hey girl..

The life of an addict is so confusing. Living with one is even MORE confusing!

I am still sitting here trying to sort out my feelings and my role in it.

You just have to realize that this is who he is. And YOU cannot control him, his drinking or what he does or does not do. All you can do is control you.

If he decides to drink, you have to set a boundary as to what is acceptable TO YOU. Not what you can do to control his behavior. That is a losing battle, and you will only drive yourself crazy. And if you have told him what your boundary is, YOU MUST ENFORCE IT. EVERY TIME! That is the hardest part! I can't tell you how many times I said, 'If you don't stop, I will leave you.' He never believed I would leave, because I said it SO MANY TIMES! Well, I did leave. I did enforce my boundary. It hurt, but it never felt better. I am free now.

The life I led with my A was always about me 'checking up' on him. How many empties, how long he'd been at it. How many were left. He didn't care, he was going to keep doing it, no matter WHAT I did to try to control his behavior.

We do it because we love them, we see them self-destructing, and it's hard to watch someone you love killing themselves daily. But YOU cannot control that. Sad, but true.



Take care of you, worry about you, and let him be who he is. As hard as that is...

((HUGS))