Well hellllo....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Well hellllo....
Hi guys, just wanted to say 'hey'! I had a very sick lap top, and was away for a while, today I got a brand new one!!
So, I just wanted to say hi, and check in and let everyone know I was still thinking of them!
Hope all is well..........
(although for a lot of us, it's always a swing thing.... ups n downs)
Love,
Cess
So, I just wanted to say hi, and check in and let everyone know I was still thinking of them!
Hope all is well..........
(although for a lot of us, it's always a swing thing.... ups n downs)
Love,
Cess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi guys, I'm going to sit and take some time to read all your posts and see how everyone is doing.
I'm great, I got a new job. The bills are finally paid up, (thanks to tax return and a new job).... (back in my old field of finance) urgh..... but the bills are being paid.
School is great, and my new employer worked around my schedule, (which is unusual for the car industry)!
So... to sum it up, I got out of bartending, (which was frustrating for me), got my good paying job back-- so I don't 'need' the abf in any way now. School is going as planned, and my insurance will kick in by may.--- and I'm also back seeing my therapist (he's wonderful).
That takes care of 'cessy'.
Now, on the down side, the abf is still around. I have chipped away at all the things that I said were keeping me 'stuck'.
So, now I just have to work on the emotional end of things.
My anxiety has been outta control, even though things are getting better. I am haveing MORE, not less, panic attacks which keep me from driving far-- and I've been relying on the abf for emotional/physical support in this.
According to my therapist, it's a vicious cycle. He says I'm (obviously) predisposed to panic attacks, and when they get bad, it's from avoiding my 'feelings', and that produces an out of control feeling, which leads to panic. --- which causes me to cling to my relationship, (stay in it). However, he feels it's a cycle, because the 'relationship' causes me to be stressed.... and to ignore my 'core' feelings, leaving me feeling out of control, and hence the panic attacks set in.
He suggested that I listen to my doctor and start taking xanax, to aliveate the symptoms of panic when i have to drive far, (to like school and stuff), and that will allow me to not depend on the abf to drive with me etc, and then I may let go of my relationship-- because emotionally I'm still clinging to it because of my anxiety.
I don't know. I hate medication, and fear that it will change me, or make me feel loopy.
It scares me to no end. I feel stuck, because I'm too afraid to drive, and too afraid to take meds, so what's the lesser of the two evils?
I would imagine staying in a relationship like this, isn't good for me, and I know i'd probably feel better when I get out. BUT... one thing at a time right?
So thanks for letting me give ya all an update.
On a side note, wanna hear something funny??? Last night, I was at class. During break, I was talking to another student, we were both walking backwards going different directions finishing the conversation. As I was walking away from her laughing, I abruptly turned to walk another direction and I smashed my face, (eyebrow bone) into a cement pillar in the entry way of the building!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god! I had an egg immediately! It had to be one of the most embarrasing things I've done in a while. I saw stars! I was concerned last night, but this a.m. the swelling is down, and I never got a headache or nausea, or anything serious, so I'm ok.... by oh my that was embarrassing!!!
(this is me literally and figuratively) hahaha!
Love,
Cess
I'm great, I got a new job. The bills are finally paid up, (thanks to tax return and a new job).... (back in my old field of finance) urgh..... but the bills are being paid.
School is great, and my new employer worked around my schedule, (which is unusual for the car industry)!
So... to sum it up, I got out of bartending, (which was frustrating for me), got my good paying job back-- so I don't 'need' the abf in any way now. School is going as planned, and my insurance will kick in by may.--- and I'm also back seeing my therapist (he's wonderful).
That takes care of 'cessy'.
Now, on the down side, the abf is still around. I have chipped away at all the things that I said were keeping me 'stuck'.
So, now I just have to work on the emotional end of things.
My anxiety has been outta control, even though things are getting better. I am haveing MORE, not less, panic attacks which keep me from driving far-- and I've been relying on the abf for emotional/physical support in this.
According to my therapist, it's a vicious cycle. He says I'm (obviously) predisposed to panic attacks, and when they get bad, it's from avoiding my 'feelings', and that produces an out of control feeling, which leads to panic. --- which causes me to cling to my relationship, (stay in it). However, he feels it's a cycle, because the 'relationship' causes me to be stressed.... and to ignore my 'core' feelings, leaving me feeling out of control, and hence the panic attacks set in.
He suggested that I listen to my doctor and start taking xanax, to aliveate the symptoms of panic when i have to drive far, (to like school and stuff), and that will allow me to not depend on the abf to drive with me etc, and then I may let go of my relationship-- because emotionally I'm still clinging to it because of my anxiety.
I don't know. I hate medication, and fear that it will change me, or make me feel loopy.
It scares me to no end. I feel stuck, because I'm too afraid to drive, and too afraid to take meds, so what's the lesser of the two evils?
I would imagine staying in a relationship like this, isn't good for me, and I know i'd probably feel better when I get out. BUT... one thing at a time right?
So thanks for letting me give ya all an update.
On a side note, wanna hear something funny??? Last night, I was at class. During break, I was talking to another student, we were both walking backwards going different directions finishing the conversation. As I was walking away from her laughing, I abruptly turned to walk another direction and I smashed my face, (eyebrow bone) into a cement pillar in the entry way of the building!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god! I had an egg immediately! It had to be one of the most embarrasing things I've done in a while. I saw stars! I was concerned last night, but this a.m. the swelling is down, and I never got a headache or nausea, or anything serious, so I'm ok.... by oh my that was embarrassing!!!
(this is me literally and figuratively) hahaha!Love,
Cess
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hey Cessy,
Glad to hear your school and work are going well...and your independence is gaining.
Nice.
So, between school, work, recovery and your ABF, when are you finding anytime to just enjoy yourself without the stress and go go go of it all?
Gotta let your hair down Lady, may alleviate some of that anxiety you're having. Your body may be trying to tell your brain something.
Go out and do something fun...or maybe take up Yoga.
Everybody that takes Yoga seems so Zen...ya know?
Heck, I may even try it!
Just a thought.
Glad to hear your school and work are going well...and your independence is gaining.
Nice.
So, between school, work, recovery and your ABF, when are you finding anytime to just enjoy yourself without the stress and go go go of it all?
Gotta let your hair down Lady, may alleviate some of that anxiety you're having. Your body may be trying to tell your brain something.
Go out and do something fun...or maybe take up Yoga.
Everybody that takes Yoga seems so Zen...ya know?
Heck, I may even try it!
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Welcome home, Cessy,
It's good to hear you are making progress. Your therapist sounds like gem
( related to one of your prior posts about him).
Back when, in my early 30's I had off the chart panic attacks. Back then, it was SOP to just medicate. I refused because the last thing I needed was to become dependent/addicted to a substance. Driving was an issue for me, too.
And then, at about 35, when I became pregnant with my daughter, the panic just stopped. The irony is not lost on me.
I have no clue what triggered the attacks- thinking it might have been hormonal.
It's good to hear you are making progress. Your therapist sounds like gem
( related to one of your prior posts about him).
Back when, in my early 30's I had off the chart panic attacks. Back then, it was SOP to just medicate. I refused because the last thing I needed was to become dependent/addicted to a substance. Driving was an issue for me, too.
And then, at about 35, when I became pregnant with my daughter, the panic just stopped. The irony is not lost on me.
I have no clue what triggered the attacks- thinking it might have been hormonal.
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