lostmyway

I'm still kicking myself for going back to drinking after 48 days of sobriety, of course. But I'm back on the wagon for four days now. It's Friday night and I am having cravings. I want a drink. I don't want to hit another rock bottom, which will eventually happen; I don't want my friend of 10 years who is also in recovery having to drive to my house at 2 a.m. to dump my bottle of Bacardi in the snow and put me to bed so I can spend the next two days feeling like crap. I just want the immediate gratification of a drink, and I don't want to think about the "...and then what?" part. Does any of this make any sense? Do the cravings ever go away? When do people in recovery start to become truly grateful? All I feel now is truly miserable.

Bamboozle

Feeling miserable is part of it...at least it was/is for me.

Find something, anything to do that doesn't involve drinking. And don't torture yourself. I had to stay away from functions an awful lot during early sobriety.

Things get better. Your body will feel better and so will your mind. Change takes time.

bozo123

I am just quiting now and had the terrible urge today after work to hit the sauce again. Everyone is different but for me, if I eat a big meal the urge to drink goes away completely. I am sure it has to do with the urge for sugars when I get hungry. My body is so used to the calories from booze and that is what I crave.

Again, this is works for me but everyone's drunk is so different.

I wish you luck my friend. We are all in this mess together.

humblestudent

Lost,
I don't have an answer, as I'm in early sobriety too, and feeling my way from week to week with it, but just wanted to say I know how you feel. I can relate. I think you want what many of us want or wanted at least...to be able to keep drinking without all the bad **** happening.

least

Not to oversimplify it, but I became grateful when I wanted to be grateful. I chose to express gratitude to someone about something at least once a day. I often go to the Gratitude forum to read others' thanks and to express my own. I will express gratitude over even the tiniest things: the way my dogs enjoy the treats I give them; the way my college kid emails and calls me regularly; the way my mom and I enjoy our mornings out for coffee.... Anything and everything.

I've read on here a lot: 'a grateful alcoholic won't drink. I can understand that now. When I think of what I do'nt have, I try to remind myself of what I DO have - and it's a lot. So being thankful for my life and all in it helps keep me sober and makes for a better attitude all round.

I too crave the 'instant nullification' of alcohol. I love not feeling anything, especially if I'm feeling depressed. But I've trained myself pretty darn well now to think it thru to the bitter end... how awful I'll feel for at least a couple days and what a waste of time it will be getting thru those literally sickening days. So keeping a sharp memory of my last detox helps me ignore the call of 'my old friend' who's become a hateful enemy. He wants nothing good for me, only to make me really sick before he kills me.

Sorry for rambling, just feeling emotional tonight, and in a good way. Don't give in to the cravings. What is one of my favorite sayings from here? "No one ever woke up in the morning wishing they had drank the night before." So true. I love waking up sober and not sick.

It will get better. Hang on a day at a time. It will get better, I promise.

Dee74

of course it makes sense LMW...thats why it's so hard - we train ourselves to shut out everything but the immediate gratification part.

The change from drunk in relapse to person in recovery for me was relearning and retraining myself to see the mid term consequences, and the long term ones...all as part of a total makeover of the way I thought and the way I reacted to alcohol.

Whiteknuckling just exhausted me.

It's not about willpower for me, it's about accepting I'm an alcoholic and doing real tangible things about it.

Have you considered a recovery programme yet? if nothing else it would be more people to phone, and something else to do on a Friday night

D

lostmyway

I am always reminded when I get replies of why I keep coming here. You guys always have the best answers! Dee, I went to three meetings in the past three nights, unfortunately getting out again tonight wasn't an option. Tried phoning my temporary sponsor but I can't get in touch with her. And you are DEFINITELY right about the white knuckling being exhausting. What scares me is that if the white knuckling continues, maybe I'm not really ready for sobriety

littlefish

If AA is your program, you can also call other people in the fellowship, not just your sponsor. My sponsor recommended that I try to call up to three people in the fellowship every day when I started out. It's a good way of expanding your support network and believe me, another person in the fellowship is always glad that you called.

Boleo

These are the differences between abstinence and recovery;

Abstinence is not not drinking and feeling bad about it.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.

What you are beginning to discover is that you need an alternative way of feeling good about your life without the artificial comfort that the drinks give.

What you need is start using spiritual principles that get spiritual results. I know that it does not make much sense but spiritual principles don't need to make sense in order to work.

For me peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose has replaced instant gratification. It takes longer to get results but the results last longer.

humblestudent

Lost - you're ready when you're ready...for me, I couldn't have stopped one drop before I decided to, really decided to give it up permanently. Once it was no longer an option, it took such a weight off. It was when I was thinking in my head that "maybe someday" might be ok, that I was still giving it waaaaay too much energy.

2besober

Hi Lost,

I will have 60 days on Sunday. I will say that for me, working a program of recovery has enabled me to get rid of the obsession to drink. I have lots of stuff to work on but cravings have become very rare, prayer has become more frequent and I hit an AA meeting almost every day. Somehow, it is working. I know I am not out of the woods, probably never will be but I am so happy to be free of the daily obsession and cravings. Hang in there- you will be ok too.

2be

pw773

I'm hardly the one to speak on this one.... having just begun my sobriety...again. What I can relate to is the just wanting the crappy feelings to stop. Drinking was my solution... or at least my postponement of the crappy feelings. I guess at some point you just have to feel them. My longest time in sobriety was 7 months. When I relapsed, I remember saying that I just felt like crap and didn't think sobriety was changing anything. One friend's response... "well, yah, the whole first year is crap." I remember thinking... God I wish somebody had told me that before so I just didn't expect much out of the first year.

Good Luck to both of us, eh?

WakeUp

The way I beat cravings in early sobriety was to eat small snacks frequently, like every hour. Low carb also, something like baby carrots, string cheese, Triscuit crackers.
My body wanted the sugars from the alcohol, (and I'm sure the buzz), but I kept up with protein/low carbs so I wouldn't have sugar crashes, which would have intensified the physical cravings.

Dee74

all I think it means is maybe you haven't learn enough coping tools yet LMW
Keep going to those meetings and ringing that temporary sponsor.

And don't give in - in my experience you can learn to ride cravings out - keep busy if you can - maybe suck on a sweet...vary your routine...call someone or post here

you're not alone LMW
D

Toronto68

Humble, I am so glad the "maybe someday" scenario is over for me!

lostmyway

After reading the good advice here and putting the baby to bed, I stayed up until midnight last night drawing. I used to be really good when I was a kid. I don't know if the talent is still there - it's been so many years - so I just practiced basic sketching and shading techniques. Totally preoccupied my mind though, in a good way.

And yes, today I am grateful I didn't give in and drink.

BTW, humblestudent, I LOVE your avatar. I used to have that poster framed and hung over my bed. Four moves later and I have no idea what happened to it, lol.

yeahgr8

Looking back it is easy to see a pattern to the years, this is that following some sort of consequence or other i had a window of opportunity to stop drinking, this could last from weeks to months, then after changing absolutely nothing inside myself i would eventually return to drinking for another while, weeks, months, years until the next window of opportunity...for me these windows were almost a point of surrendering, without knowing what that meant at the time, so the cravings would go and life would get better for me...for a while...

augustwest

For me, the cravings did go away, but only after a lot of consecutive days of complete abstinence from mind altering substances and rigorous work in my program.

Fandy

I don't have physical cravings so much, as I keep seeing cabernet being poured and swirling into one of my pretty crystal glasses.....(which are now stored out of sight in a top cupboard)...it's an image I am trying to replace with something else....

I have this fancy glass oversized cup and saucer for tea, when I get home I have to find it and put it out on the counter.

keithj

I became truly grateful after a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps. I know, I sound like a broken record on here, but it's the truth of my experience.

Up until that time in my life, I could have a mental list of great things in my life I should be thankful for. But that's all it was. A mental list. If you had asked me, I would have said I was grateful for those things. But I never really felt it at a heart level until after the Steps. Then I knew what real gratitude really was. That feeling has remained to this day, and I'm frequently overcome with the deep humility of being blessed beyond anything I earned.

For me, the pertinent question is not when can you expect this, but rather are you actually in recovery? Or are you just not drinking? Recovery, which I define as on a path to being recovered, does not happen just by not drinking.

There is a world of difference between the two, in my experience of living both ways.