smokey123

My heart is racing, my brain is spinning. I am sure I said all the wrong things to my alcoholic son this morning. He called from treatment and immediately started by staying he only slept three hours last night - had too many things going around in his mind. He then said phone calls were not free - most of the guys have a phone card (hint). His feet are freezing as he just went in there with sandals - could I drop off his tennis shoes and church shoes and his belt and look through all the boxes and get his pictures of his son. Oh yes, he could use a bag of candy and some envelopes and stamps. I'm still angry that we went in and packed up his rental house and took his personal items for him - left the furniture that we did not have room to store. He would have had a phone card, he tells me, but his sister used it all (always the other guy's fault). I told him I could not just cancel my plans for today to look through his boxes. I told him I could not buy him things or furnish money. This is where I probably made the big mistake. I said if you are not going to try and end up in treatment each time, you should set aside $10 a week to save up for times like these when you need things in treatment. He then said you are seeing me as a failure. My probation officer even said that you worried each day that I would relapse and drink again. I then said I had a lot of healing to do in my own way and perhaps we should not talk until he was into the program more and at that time I would like to have a counselor present (for my own sake as he manipulates me a lot). He said you'll have your chance. Should I not drop off the little comforts that will make his life better? I'm thinking I should drop off the tennis shoes as we do live up North and it's already cold and he only has sandals?? (okay I can see all of you saying ahhhhh Mom!) So many questions and never know what to do to make him realize he can't keep going back to alcohol for a crutch. (It's only because the love of his life left him - he was not drinking when she left.) Keep reminding him he has positives in his life.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Smokey.

Whether or not you should drop off his tennis shoes might depend on who or what you're trying to control by not doing so. If it really would disrupt your day and you don't want to... don't. If you think keeping his tennis shoes from him is going to make him be responsible, cut it out. If worrying about his poor cold feet is going to torture you beyond distraction... for you... take him the shoes. There is such a thing as going overboard in our fear of the enabling boogeyman. Normal small human kindnesses that don't compromise you are not sick behavior.

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

I would drop off the shoes and a coat but that is me. You can only do what you are comfortable with.

I hate those calls too. Nothing but a list of what you can do for them. Can you drop him a letter explaining why you choose to do what you are doing? I did that recently. The requests did not stop completely but he knows where I stand.

I don't like being put in the position of having to say no all the time, either. I don't always take his calls for that reason. Try the letter...you can drop the pictures in there, too.

Hugs,
JT

smokey123

Thanks, I do sound so confused, don't I? I am and that is why I welcome your suggestions and support. I do have the shoes and a coat ready to drop off and I am writing a letter to my son,(good idea JT) as I think that will help him and me realize where I stand. I liked your response Smoke about the enabling boogeyman, guess that is where I really am right now. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing to help him get well and have a fear that he will think we are always here for him when he fails once again. So glad I found SR - quiets my rambling thoughts. My husband thanks all of you as well - using you as a sounding board to help me instead of bouncing it off him all the time!! Hugs to all of you.