cagreg9

I've been on here a while now, sometimes I post, then I lurk and find some really wonderful insight. But how to do deal with Alcoholics family is not something I read much about. In the past I have pleaded with them for help for my husbands sake, my childrens, mine and their own. AH family history is this Mother and Father both alcoholic, two brothers recovering alcoholics. Texted my brother in law a few weeks ago to give him an update, I was pretty angry at the time and admit it, but it comes and goes. He tells me there is alot more going on here, is that correct? Drinking is just a small part of the problem. I responded that AH has been self medicating long before I ever met him, just didnt know it at the time we have been married almost 25 years. Then says alcoholism is a family disease, what part of it is mine, AH is not reponsible for it all. This is a man who doesnt see or support his children, lost his job, fell while drinking, broke his foot. Then he had the gall to tell me to leave the kids out of it and keep bs between myself and AH. I have done that as much as possible, but 16 year old has callen cops on AH, verbally abusive, driven my children while intoxicated etc. AH has involved my children, he has abandoned them physically,emotionally, financially etc. How do I respond to this? It was a few weeks ago and it still bothers me. By the way this brother in law has a heroin addicted daughter and a son who does nothing. He is giving parental advice, when he abandoned his own kids? In my opinion. I told him I didnt understand why I am being treated as the bad guy. Again no response from him. Just as when I stated that AH husband had been self medicating long before he met me. No response!!

PHIZ007

Welcome to SR...its a great place to read learn and get fantastic support!

There will be others along soon that can offer alot more than myself but I can say that you definately need to focus on yourself and know you didn't cause it, can't control it and sure as can't cure it - these are known as the three 'c's.

I am glad you found SR - its a wonderful place to hang out, grown and learn.

Take care - i know it totally sucks right now for you! Phiz :0)

ChildrenB4AW

My AW's family is similar. Very little help for 5 years. Quite honestly they are probably not capable of helping given what they face in their personal lives. Each time you talk about your AHto them, they think of their own situation and not what you and your children are going through. Your AH needs to decide if he's tired of drinking. When/if that happens then he may be ready for recovery. You need to think about what's best for you and your children. You cannot prevent your husband from drinking, but you can, through Alanon, regain your sanity. Our home life is a mess - we are going through a divorce, my wife is contesting my sole custody (granted in 2/08), our children (4 girls under 10) are confused, but I am at peace. I can only control my reaction to her insane behavior and I really do have compassion for her. We can't even imagine what's going on in their minds.

Hang in there - you can still have inner peace in this situation.

PHIZ007

Oh and with regards to my AH family, I have detached completly from them! and feel so much better for doing so. No more drama no more upset no more he said you said she said - I have little to do with them and that was the best thing for me! It took a while but it was so worth it.

They are not alcoholics/addicts but are very dysfuntional and it used to be so easy to get involved in their ridiculous drama......I no longer entertain it atall. Take Care Phiz

barb dwyer

Hi!

I don't know many detail s of your story, but one thing jumped right off the page atr me was the 'alcohol is just a sympton bigger things going on' remark.

We all said that.
Sorry.
But we did.
Everything was everybody's fault
but our consumption of alcohol.

YOu don't make anyone drink.
And you can't make anyone stop.

Are you in a program of support?

Because many of the questions you're asking
sound like what's covered quite well in AlAnon.
Just wondering if you've ever checked them out.

cagreg9

Yes that is what my brother in law said to me about my AH. He was asked to leave last spring, and since that time is worse than ever,no surprise with the progressive disease that it is.Ifeel like,actually I know he was implying that this is somehow partly my problem. I cannot tell you how much this bothers me. His problems are so deep from his childhood, you would have to dig forever to find the answers. He is not willing to do that and has chosen drinking over everything. I have been to some alanon meetings, but most are struggling with kids that are addicts, I cannot relate. I will continue to look for a group. But for now I have been seeing a therapist, sober recovery etc. Some days are good, some are pretty bad. I will be sending rest of balance to my attorney to start divorce proceedings. That is breaking my heart but I have no choice. I need to take care of my kids and myself.
My brother in law was so cruel and demeaning, I need to reply. Butneed to find the right words to get my point across. I sincereley believe he wants him to be alone and miserable like he is. Sad but true!

Whadahay

I think what was meant by "this is a family disease," is that the disease of alcoholism corrals EVERYONE into it. Everyone's sanity is affected by it. Sometimes, those that are innocent bystanders, somehow get sucked in and the more they try to control it, the more their own behaviors get out of control.

LucyA

I don't know if this will help, but heres my experience of being part of an As family.

My sister in law would phone my parents late at night to tell them stuff about my brother (sis in law had drink problems too) at the time my brother was working hard every day running his own business, they had a beautiful house and apparently, to those of us on the outside, the perfect life. We knew they were having one or two marital problems but not the details.
Basically we honestly thought my sis in law was trying to get us to take sides or something.
For a long time she covered up her own and my brothers drinking, hers was nowhere near as bad as his for what that's worth. It was only when she got so ill with cancer and she was unable to physically cover anything for him we realised how bad things must have been for her and my nephew.

Having said that, none of my family had been any where near alcoholism before. Some of us learned about the disease, and are still learning, some burried their heads in the sand and still are.

I don't really know what I'm trying to tell you here, just my experience and maybe a different angle.